She suggested that I run around the block naked if I failed her again

[jazzed2b]

Just an intro... .12 years married to a person exhibiting all BPD traits and have a 9 year daughter.  For the first few years on our marriage, it wasn't really terribly noticeable but always knew there was something different about my wife.  She was always very temperamental and insecure but I never suspected anything until I just came to the point where I realized that her behavior was just an unreasonable reaction for any normal sane person and trying to have rational discussions always led back to the same discussions which would point to me as the problem of the relationship.  

Actions from 10 years later would brought up into a discussion and then 2 hours later we would finish our discussions with me trying to prove my love to her with some outrageous consequence if I was unable to perform every item on my task list to prove to he my unfailing love or commitment.  She even once suggested that I run around the block naked if I failed her again.  I later saw all of this as a ploy for her to try to impart her control over me and my every move.  Later as the insecurities grew, as she would continue to exhibit classic BPD traits such as splitting and then use ignoring tactics and I began to read about bipolar and narcissistic, but nothing would really fit the bill.  As the raging grew on about silly and irrational things, the behavior became more and more extreme where I had to create a list of 60 items to accomplish each day and if I missed even one item, she would automatically go into full rage mode and start to berate me for being such an imbecile an unable to do what every other parent/father could do easily, but for which I could not.  These 60 items were simply items like opening and closing windows at the right time and turning on/off the lights or even making sure the bed was made every morning.  This all continue to grow and as we argued each day I just began to break down.  Additionally, she would start to threaten me to start selling off items precious to me like my guitars and golf clubs should I do something wrong in the future and manipulate me to agree to these terms and then later when I sold them, she would simply say something to the effect of not blaming her because I was the one at fault.  All of this were just examples of her imparting her control over me.   Over the next 2-3 years we would continue to have these long drawn out arguments recalling all the terrible things I did over the last ten years and after 2 to 3 to 4 hours in the middle of the night we would finally end these arguments with my continued promise and devotion to make everything perfect.  As I would continue to recommend counseling as an option, I was always berated as the problem, which I needed fix because if I just listen to her all the problems would be fixed.  

Last year, my wife had to undergo a spinal fusion which required me to be responsible for all household items and play Mr. Mom as well since she was unable to be mobile for about 6-9 weeks.  It was during that time that I was hoping that she would see my support for the family and have some sort of appreciation by taking care of everything.  Instead, things became worse to the point that as I was drying my daughter's hair with the blow dryer my daughter screamed at me for scalding her scalp which led to a huge argument which lasted through the night and onto the morning the next day after.  I was instructed to drop off our daughter at school and then come back home to get yelled at some more.  This all led to me leaving the house for a full week and staying elsewhere.  Though she was only 5-6 weeks into her recovery and still technically house/bed ridden, her full dependence on me left her completed floored.  I didn't respond to any calls or texts and I only came by after hours to pick up the daughter and do the most basic and fundamental chores, getting foodstuffs, then I would leave each night.  I know that this hurt her tremendously, but I was done... .after about a week, I think she started to enjoy my departure and realized that I was still coming by to take care of things and then she began to start making custom requests for deliveries near the end of the week, so I conceded to coming back but on the condition of everything having to change, like her behavior and me staying in media room.  Upon my return, I had to establish a whole new set up guidelines so I could have some healthy boundaries and an employee indicated that I read about BPD... .in a nutshell everything fell into place and now my eyes completely opened up to why she does what she does.  Establishing the boundaries helped, but now my wife simply ignores me completely.  I have lived like this as essentially as a roommate for the last year trying to figure our what to do to improve my situation of just walking away from all of it... .I am the breadwinner and though she has manipulated my daughter to also disrespect me just as bad, I really am at odds what to do... .maybe I will share more later... .     

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Insom]

 

Hi, jazzed2b!  Welcome.  There are some tremendous resources here for people who want to understand how to better communicate with their partner that I found helpful.  You can get started by checking out the links on the right side of this page.

I had to create a list of 60 items to accomplish each day

Holy wow!  I feel lucky if I get one or two things on my list done each day and can only imagine what it must feel like to be held to account for 60 or more. 

You mentioned that establishing boundaries has helped.  Would you like to say more about that?  How you went about setting boundaries and the impact it had on your relationship?

[jazzed2b]

Sorry, I did not get any notification to my original post, so I had no idea there was a response... .but, to answer your inquiry

I have been given me a lot more freedom, so I can at least drive home and not get that sinking feeling of not wanting to enter the house.  The boundaries are essentially that my wife now completely essentially ignores me unless she needs to talk to me.  So, though I don't get yelled at anymore, it is more because my wife does want, or just doesn't talk to me.  When asked about that specific behavior, the response I get is something to the effect of "you can do whatever you want... .I won't bother you anymore", but essentially it is nonetheless an almost opposite extreme splitting thing I guess.  Now my daughter has also adopted a similar behavior towards me and though I resent it a bit, it is still an improvement over getting yelled at for the little stupid things. 

This has now been going on for about the last 3-4 months.  Unfortunately, the downside is that I feel more like a single person just renting a room in a house an there are other people living there with me.  I still contemplate divorce, but I have not really fully been able to just work it all out and cut the string... .at times, I feel lonely especially on weekends, but I try to take the time to enjoy myself by going to the gym and going out to play golf.  But, ultimately, I have not fixed the relationship issue, just transferred the issue of high conflict to no contact.

I still know in my mind that the next step is to force the hand of counseling, but know that if I go down that path, I need to be able to place an ultimatum which I can commit to otherwise, the threat will be meaningless. 

[DaddyBear77]

Hey jazzed2b - I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I've also been married for a long time and have had these ridiculous task lists and demands placed on me. One of the most ridiculous ones was I needed to have every part of my body waxed if I messed up again. Luckily that one just kind of passed by without enforcement. I'm really thankful for that 

I still know in my mind that the next step is to force the hand of counseling, but know that if I go down that path, I need to be able to place an ultimatum which I can commit to otherwise, the threat will be meaningless. 

I also tried the "forced counseling" route - confronting her about my suspicions of BPD or BPD-like traits. WOW did that back fire! I was even prepared with ultimatums and the whole 9 yards, but still, somehow, she managed to get ALL the blame back on me. She is REALLY good. In a bad, bad way.

When I finally made it to bpdfamily, I found this really helpful article:
Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

After reading it, I found a LOT of things I did wrong, and a lot of missed opportunities.

Maybe it would be helpful to give it a read - it might give you some better ideas about how to accomplish what you're considering.

[jazzed2b]

Thank so much for the info and I guess you seem to have a good understanding of what I am going through based on your comments regardless how eerily similar that they are... .I did review the article (great article BTW) and will specifically note the "What Not To Do" section.  You are right, in the past I have always been the "problem" so this will just be another way for her to use her twisted logic to turn everything around back to me as my fault. 

The article is really good at helping to describing and labeling the defensive stubbornness traits exhibited.  I did not know that a clinical term actually existed for these and so, this article is very reassuring in helping me understand my spouse's mental baseline.

Specifically, "The idea of impaired awareness of illness is very difficult to comprehend." is spot on.  I might note that I believe that healthy normal relationships should be able to discuss the possibility of relationship ailments that would lead one to fact-check, data gathering and self-awareness checks whereby one would be open to the possibility that relationship ailments might be true, even if they are not. 

[Insom]

Hi, again,  jazzed2b!  I'm glad to see you checked in again. 

Sorry, I did not get any notification to my original post, so I had no idea there was a response... .

There is a link that says "Show new replies to your posts" in the upper left corner of this page that you can use to check for responses.  It appears as green text.  You have to log in to access it.

I feel lonely especially on weekends, but I try to take the time to enjoy myself by going to the gym and going out to play golf.  But, ultimately, I have not fixed the relationship issue, just transferred the issue of high conflict to no contact.

It sounds like you're doing your best to make the most of a painful situation.  Are there friends or family around that you can connect with while this behavior is going on at home?

I'm super-glad DaddyBear77 weighed in with the anosognosia article link which was new to me, too.  You are not alone!

[jazzed2b]

Thanks!  Unfortunately, I have moved my family from CA to TX about 5 years back due to work, which added a whole lot of new dynamic to our relationship and drama and that is when all of this started to worsen.  As a result of the move, my wife suffered a neck injury resulting in chronic pain and ultimately in several spinal surgeries which only inflated the issues and since she was no longer near her mom, her emotional pillar was pull out from under her.  Wasn't until we were in TX after a few years that I realized the move from state to state opened a whole can of surprises.  Unfortunately, neither of us has developed any really meaningful supportive relationships here in TX.  

Due to my increasing recent freedoms, I am starting to reach out of my work network and allow myself the liberty to be normal again since in the past it seemed that my wife used to have a tight leash around whom and when I was allowed to talk to people.  Essentially, no calls after 8 pm and essentially nothing during family time.  Used to be that she would monitor all my calls and actually ask about phone numbers on the bill.  There was an episode in the past when I did speak to a female co-worker which exacerbated our "trust" issues over 5 years ago.  In short there was no infidelity, yet I understand what I did did contribute in part to the deterioration of our relationship.      

How do you deal with all of this?  Are you still married, divorced... .any regrets?

My work allows me to converse with fairly emotionally stable people throughout the day, but with my wife, developing supportive meaningful relationships is all too difficult because there is no trust/transparency allowable and thus all relationships are very platonic and superficial.  In the 5 years in TX everyone that she has developed any relationships is either not trustworthy, or has some issue that makes them not a good candidate for a friend because they are all back-stabbers, apparently.  

[jazzed2b]

Check out this list that I still have and reference in my first email... .brings back a little stress just reviewing this again... .

Yes, it is basic, but am I out of line here to get berated for missing a few of these? I'd say on average if I missed 2-3 and got away with it, that was a good day.  Essentially, I am a bad parent because everyone other father can accomplish these task without even having a formal list, but I need it and still cannot complete it 100%, so that must mean I really do not love my family/daughter... .was the actual argument, which I lost every time

MORNING
1. Take out night lights
2. Move stool to pantry
3. Wipe table
4. Get - Vitamins
5. Get - Vaseline
6. Get - Brush
7. Get - Comb
8. Get - Hairpin bucket
9. Get - Lotion
10. Get - Sunscreen
11. Get - Dental floss
12. Get - Flonase
13. Plug - Curling Iron
14. Turn on heat lamp (LVNG RM)
15. Turn lights - downstairs lights
16. Turn on bath heater (winter)
17. Wake Daughter up
18. Check - Room temp
19. Unplug - Heater
20. Clean - Pillows & bed blankets
21. Replace Paper towel under Cup
22. Check - Wash face
23. Check - Vaseline on lips
24. Check - Drink Water
25. Turn off heater (winter)
26. Cup/Toothbrush down (Wed & Sun)
27. Crush vitamins
28. Pack water in side pocket
29. Take - Trash out
30. Take - Recycling out

NIGHT
31. Daughter brush teeth
32. Get - Towels ready
33. Set up – Stool
34. Set up- Stool and slip mat
35. Cup & toothbrush up (Wed & Sun)
36. Get - Toothpaste ready
37. Plug – Lights
38. Open window
39. Dry Daughter Hair (Every other day)
40. Clean - Stool and slip mat
41. Rinse - Scrubbing towel
42. Rinse – Tub & curtain
43. Close shower curtain
44. Check - Lotion on Daughter
45. Check - Drink water
46. Review Spelling words
47. Read & Pray
48. Mouthwash
49. Check – Drink water
50. Fill up hot water
51. Plug power cords
52. Move stool outside from pantry
53. Turn on heating blanket
54. Fill up water bottles (Sara)
55. Check – Kumon
56. Sign Piano practice sheets
57. Get piano books ready (Tue)
58. Check & Sign Folder
59. Check schoolwork
60. Take out jackets from backpack
61. Tidy up living room
62. Close all windows

Daughter School
• Backpack
o Sign
o Jacket
o Organize papers
• Toothbrush – In & Out at night to dry
Clean daughter bathroom every week (Clorox tub, toilet, sink drain curtain)

[DaddyBear77]

Check out this list that I still have and reference in my first email... .brings back a little stress just reviewing this again... .

jazzed2b, this list is ridiculous - I challenge you to find ANY other person, mother, father, you name it, that could get through every item on a list like this every day!

If anything, this looks like a FAMILY list of things that need to get done, with the responsibility shared with all members. And MAYBE something to be done over a multiple day period. That's my initial take, and my personal view, but others might have a different perspective.

Back to your previous post - kudos to you for reaching out - you HAVE to do that. I'm still married. Still trying to make things better. You asked about regrets and one of my biggest is letting every single relationship suffer and disappear other than the one with my wife. You can't let that happen. You will sink with the ship!

In regards to your wife's apparent difficulty in finding exactly the right kind of friend, I think you're seeing through that. It's not them, it's probably her. My wife grew up in a nearby town. No one in that town was a good friend candidate. No one in the town we live in is a good friend ("they're all b!t****". None of the parents in the preschool are good enough ("everyone else is too young / too stuck up". I completely agree that her finding connections would help things tremendously. Unfortunately, you could move anywhere else in the world and the issue would probably remain.  One thing that HAS helped my wife is to form online friendships. She's also going back to school, and she's also active in some social causes. These might be things to suggest, if you can.

I hope you're finding this helpful. You're absolutely not alone here. I, for one, see the same things every day.

Have you seen the workshop we have on Surviving confrontation and disrespect?

[jazzed2b]

Thank you for the additional resources.  I will have to check them out and keep you posted.  I appreciate your interactions, thank you