It seems like a lot of pain

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Disclosure: I might be biased.

I'm new here. I've been reading a lot about BPD over the years, and I wonder if my mother has it. She is an emotional infant, she's isolated herself, drives people away, controlling, physically abusive, threatens to harm my pets, demeans me, gets angry for no reason, has literally driven away all friends I've had my entire life, and then some. I have a friend who's immensely stunted by this disorder (among other comorbid disorders), so second-hand (third-hand?) experiences reinforce the ideas. And I was wondering if I could get input from others who've been dealing with BPD in family members (parents) for a while. I have been abused; emotionally, physically, financially. I am an adult who's stranded in their mother's home for at least the next several foreseeable years. (I'll briefly touch on that at the end.)

The libel and slander fits the bill so well ---"They're evil"; "This behavior is just being manipulative"; etc. I sometimes can't actually see it any other way. All the advice I see for abuse survivors of people with BPD is "Run far, far away!" because they can't change. And since personality disorders are so interwoven into the person, does it even make sense to try to change or "fix" them? She is absolutely adverse to therapy. She has slandered it for as long as I can remember (even teasing when I was very young and through my young teen years that she would be the reason I went to therapy). But still denies any fault of her own and goes as far as to starting fights and outright blaming me, even when I'm being more than compliant, but practically holding her hand through the twelfth meltdown of the day.

It's also incredibly eye-opening and disheartening at the same time to look at it, to be on the other side too. I also display intense BPD symptoms. And potentially other issues associated with living with her. I don't disagree that BPD is evil. Is the person with BPD evil, too? Is there any hope? Before anyone says anything, I don't want to make this about me, I just think the full disclosure is a must. It's one thing to look in through a window, but entirely another to be on the other side at the same time, with someone peering in on you as well.

I hope this was coherent, and thanks for reading

[doublefold]

Disclosure: I might be biased.

I'm new here. I've been reading a lot about BPD over the years, and I wonder if my mother has it. She is an emotional infant, she's isolated herself, drives people away, controlling, physically abusive, threatens to harm my pets, demeans me, gets angry for no reason, has literally driven away all friends I've had my entire life, and then some. I have a friend who's immensely stunted by this disorder (among other comorbid disorders), so second-hand (third-hand?) experiences reinforce the ideas. And I was wondering if I could get input from others who've been dealing with BPD in family members (parents) for a while. I have been abused; emotionally, physically, financially. I am an adult who's stranded in their mother's home for at least the next several foreseeable years. (I'll briefly touch on that at the end.)

The libel and slander fits the bill so well ---"They're evil"; "This behavior is just being manipulative"; etc. I sometimes can't actually see it any other way. All the advice I see for abuse survivors of people with BPD is "Run far, far away!" because they can't change. And since personality disorders are so interwoven into the person, does it even make sense to try to change or "fix" them? She is absolutely adverse to therapy. She has slandered it for as long as I can remember (even teasing when I was very young and through my young teen years that she would be the reason I went to therapy). But still denies any fault of her own and goes as far as to starting fights and outright blaming me, even when I'm being more than compliant, but practically holding her hand through the twelfth meltdown of the day.

It's also incredibly eye-opening and disheartening at the same time to look at it, to be on the other side too. I also display intense BPD symptoms. And potentially other issues associated with living with her. I don't disagree that BPD is evil. Is the person with BPD evil, too? Is there any hope? Before anyone says anything, I don't want to make this about me, I just think the full disclosure is a must. It's one thing to look in through a window, but entirely another to be on the other side at the same time, with someone peering in on you as well.

I hope this was coherent, and thanks for reading

[ozzy2014]

Hi!  I am new here too.  My mom is a diagnosed BPD and she sounds very similar to your situation.  My mom is also against therapy.  I am amazed I got her there many years ago but she did not stay long.  She NEVER admits fault or apologizes.  It is always somebody else.  My psychologist said it is very hard to help borderlines.  They have to want to get help and most do not beacuse they feel it is never their fault.  Just like your my mom, my mom has driven away almost her entire family and friends.  It is very sad.  She actually is no longer speaking to me (not sure why.  But probably because I set up boundaries).
I do not think the person with BPD is evil.  And I found with my mom, BPD is not always present.  We had some very good times but then she could turn so quickly.  But as my therapist said, you have to want to get help.  My therpaist had me read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It was eye opening.

[doublefold]

Hello Ozzy!

In my readings about borderlines on articles online, it's often compared to bipolar disorder, except the mood changes minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day; not over weeks or months as it is with bipolars. So it makes sense that your mother isn't always rude or manipulative. Mine gets really childish (clingy, dopey, actually immature, handsy... .) when she's really "happy" (she didn't used to; I'm not sure she's ever truly happy anymore... .) and it always always turns into something chaotic and destructive. And it's not even always how her destructive phases start. One thing that runs in our family, from mom to dad, and children alike, is our extreme hot tempers, whether inherited or learned. It's really easy to upset us (displaying other borderline symptoms or not), but I think at this point it actually is the borderline rearing its ugly head.

My guess is that in putting down all therapists, it's denial and outrage that there's a problem at all, and turning it into naming them all "quacks." (Sounds a little like Trump, don't you think? Don't think he's borderline, but there's a certain parallel!) Which, as your psychologist says, makes it hard to help them.

I'm afraid of reading that, and other books for families affected by BPD. For affirmations about her, for insight about me, for the hopelessness of change and a healthy relationship or lifestyle... .

The thing that really truly gets me, is every borderline is alone. Every borderline is an island, even if it's an entire group of islands cohabitating together. If you put 100 borderlines together, they're paranoid and skeptical and invalidating to everyone else, it's just toxic. And in pathologising them, are we not alienating them (or actually, isn't that the point of this website?)?

My question to you then, if your mother hadn't cut ties, do you think you would eventually cut her off?

[Coral]

Doublefold, you said in your first post that you didn't want to make it about you.  However, it has to be about you.  You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself and your reactions/responses to stimuli. You said you were trapped in your mother's home for the foreseeable future.  Could you please explain that? Are you a minor? 

[doublefold]

Hi Coral!

I suppose that's not exactly how I meant it. My "I don't want it to be about me" was to my own mental illness and BPD tendencies and not focusing on that, if that makes sense? (AKA, I wasn't making a post about my mom just as a loophole to talk about my BPD symptoms)

I am an adult, but I can't hold down a full-time job. I don't drive, and I don't have physical lifelines ("friends" as you might call them, since she has driven away every single one of them  ). Where I live, even holding down a full-time job means not being able to afford rent (I recently worked full-time on minimum wage and it was still half as much as I needed to move out, which I guess is normal for minimum wage... .), and I don't have a license to relocate. I have a BA, but lack the emotional and mental capacity to work a "professional" job. I have two cats, and they're the only thing holding me together most days, so there's no way I could abandon them.

I guess it's hard to separate, since yes, my relationship or non-relationship with my mother largely has to do with me. In fact, I have probably perpetuated it and sent us into this very tight hate/like/hate spiral. I understand, however, changing myself to better fit into her "world" is the only thing possible when I'm reaching out for help.