Sibling Who Won't Seek Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a brother (late 20s) whom has started to display some troubling personality characteristics within the past couple months and my family is seeking guidance on how to help him and ourselves.

My brother has recently started to seek deeper connections to each one of my immediate family members. As a family, we are close but do not communicate daily. We live in different parts of the country and get together as a family a few times a year. This has been fine for my brother for the past 5 years as he has had his own life and career in a different state.

Now, my brother attempts to call me and my parents several times per day just to talk about random things and completely controls the conversation with little chance for me to say anything. He reiterates that these conversations are for him to get to know me as a person, but the way he communicates does not really allow for that. At times he is verbally abusive and justifies his aggressive tone by saying he is trying to help me live a healthier emotional life. He calls at inopportune times, like 3:30 am and will get angry if you do not answer. He is not accepting of any opposing opinion and does not respect other’s personal wishes.

Within the past year my brother has started to use marijuana daily with his reasoning be that it makes him feel good. Within the past month, he has gone out to bars at night, drinks heavily, tries to start fights, and has had altercations with police on a couple occasions. When describing these nights to me, he keeps saying that the reason he gets escorted out of bars by police is because “no one knows how to handle him.” Furthermore, he refers to these nights as “a really fun night.”

My brother has always done whatever he has wanted without thought to how others would think or feel. Also, he has had anger problems in the past. Now, we feel that these characteristics that we have witnessed in his past have increased in intensity and frequency. When we try to ask if he is ok or ask if he would consider getting some professional help, he verbally attacks us.

I am trying to seek professional help/advice on how best to help him but am currently on a waiting list to make an appointment. These past couple months have been mentally and emotionally draining for my entire family so we feel that something needs to change.

[the barkeep]

I have a brother (late 20s) whom has started to display some troubling personality characteristics within the past couple months and my family is seeking guidance on how to help him and ourselves.

My brother has recently started to seek deeper connections to each one of my immediate family members. As a family, we are close but do not communicate daily. We live in different parts of the country and get together as a family a few times a year. This has been fine for my brother for the past 5 years as he has had his own life and career in a different state.

Now, my brother attempts to call me and my parents several times per day just to talk about random things and completely controls the conversation with little chance for me to say anything. He reiterates that these conversations are for him to get to know me as a person, but the way he communicates does not really allow for that. At times he is verbally abusive and justifies his aggressive tone by saying he is trying to help me live a healthier emotional life. He calls at inopportune times, like 3:30 am and will get angry if you do not answer. He is not accepting of any opposing opinion and does not respect other’s personal wishes.

Within the past year my brother has started to use marijuana daily with his reasoning be that it makes him feel good. Within the past month, he has gone out to bars at night, drinks heavily, tries to start fights, and has had altercations with police on a couple occasions. When describing these nights to me, he keeps saying that the reason he gets escorted out of bars by police is because “no one knows how to handle him.” Furthermore, he refers to these nights as “a really fun night.”

My brother has always done whatever he has wanted without thought to how others would think or feel. Also, he has had anger problems in the past. Now, we feel that these characteristics that we have witnessed in his past have increased in intensity and frequency. When we try to ask if he is ok or ask if he would consider getting some professional help, he verbally attacks us.

I am trying to seek professional help/advice on how best to help him but am currently on a waiting list to make an appointment. These past couple months have been mentally and emotionally draining for my entire family so we feel that something needs to change.

[HappyChappy]

Hey the barkeep,   

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, it must be very emotionally draining. The behaviour you describe does sound very BPD, and turning drink and weed plus calling you up  and talking at you, all sound like the coping mechanisms of a BPD short on narcisstic supply. As doe the picking fights thing.

Someone with BPD will reject anything that suggests they are less than perfect. So he is more likely to come to a session if it is helping you, because he will not be able accept he has a problem, but others clearly do. Maybe you could find an experienced Therapist and see if they have a plan for brining someone with BPD in from the cold. Even with therapy, often BPD are treated in groups, because they don’t take one to one direction very well. But the good news is the younger the better for treatment. Angelia Jollie has admitted to BPD, so that’s kudos of a type.  But at the end of the day, we can not control someone else behaviour, only our own. Often those with BPD will go to therapy just to keep people quiet, and play mind games with the Therapist.  So don’t forget to give yourself a break in all this.

So what has been done so far, and what's your next move ?

[Panda39]

Hi Barkeep,

I want to join HappyChappyand say welcome 

How did you discover BPD? Has your brother been diagnosed or were you like me and the shoe just fits? 

Have you done much reading on BPD?  That was the first thing I did once I discovered BPD fit my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  I headed for my local library.

Below are a couple of books that I thought were particularly good in terms of general information.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS & Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

I have found my SO's uBPDxw will start acting out when something is going on that is stressful in her life and this maybe what is going on with your brother too.  Do you know if something has happened in your brother's life that is stressful for him?  Breakup with a girlfriend?  Problems at work? 

I agree with HappyChappy, we really can only control ourselves, our feelings, our choices, we can't make someone else do something they don't want to do or don't see the need to do.  You can encourage your brother to seek help but he must want it and do it.

Below are a couple of links to articles that you might find helpful... .

How to get someone with BPD into Therapy Article…
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Do’s & Don’t in a BPD Relationship (might be geared to romantic relationships but can help in any relationship)…
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Hang in there.  I'm glad you've found us I know you will find a lot of support, ideas and tools here that are so helpful when negotiating someone with BPD or BPD Traits.

Again Welcome,
Panda39

[the barkeep]

Thank you HappyChappy and Panda39.

Some answers to your excellent questions:
My brother has not been diagnosed and has not been to a therapist or mental health professional. We are a little afraid to even bring up the topic of mental health and seeking assistance for the reasons you described, he does not think anything is wrong and it is everyone else's fault that they cannoy handle the way he acts. Compounded by the sudden anger.

As for our next steps, I am scheduled to meet with some mental health professionals in a couple weeks to begin to discuss some tactics on how we can discuss our concerns with him and hopefully aid in getting him help. Also, i think it would benefit me to talk about how my relationship with my brother is negatively affecting me with a professional. 

I have been reading and researching a lot lately and appreciate the additional material you have provided. We aren't sure if anything drastic has changed in his life currently, nothing that he has made us aware of but he could be hiding something. 

Another issue we are facing is that he lives some distance (8hr car drive) away from any family so in-person communication or support is limited.

[ijustwantpeace]

I am sorry for what you are going through. 

Has your brother had other problems growing up?  Usually BPD is something that goes on for years before people become aware of it.  In other words they or family members are at a breaking point.


I am not saying he has BPD or not, but the drugs and alcohol certainly don't help.

Many young men struggle today due to all the changes in society.  They simply don't know what their place is anymore.  In the old days all us guys had to do was bring home the bacon, and it was alot easier back then too. Good paying jobs were plentiful, and their was no global competition.

That said, the controlling and odd behavior is definitely dysfunctional and disordered and could be a symptom of BPD or BPD traits.

It is really hard to say with drugs and alcohol in the mix.  Are or were your parents ever substance abusers?

Would you say your family has healthy boundaries?  Meaning people respect each others right to be as they are and not controlled by others.

[Panda39]

As for our next steps, I am scheduled to meet with some mental health professionals in a couple weeks to begin to discuss some tactics on how we can discuss our concerns with him and hopefully aid in getting him help.

I think getting this assistance is a great idea.

Below are some links regarding communication tools that might be helpful to you... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

Also, i think it would benefit me to talk about how my relationship with my brother is negatively affecting me with a professional.

What has been going on here? If you're willing to share, we might be able to help. 

Another issue we are facing is that he lives some distance (8hr car drive) away from any family so in-person communication or support is limited.

This might sound harsh but this physical distance... .physical boundary, might actually be a good thing.  Many of us here get overly involved, are care-takers, or rescuers and end up enmeshed and co-dependent.  This distance is protecting you from some of this and also allows you to have an outside prospective of what is going on with your brother.  When we get overly involved it can become hard to see the forest through the trees.

Panda39

[the barkeep]

He has had some anger issues in the past and has always expressed that his thinking is the right way and everyone else has to adjust to him. He also has a history of getting motivated and passionate, almost obsessively so, about something quickly only to have the flame die out just as fast.
No one from our immediate family were ever substance abusers. We were raised in what I believe to be a healthy, supportive family. I will say my brother has been the source of worry for myself and my parents, which he seems to be aware of and does not seem to care. Maybe the fact that he knows we worry about him plays into his thought that we are the ones not thinking clearly?

[the barkeep]

What has been going on here? If you're willing to share, we might be able to help. 


This might sound harsh but this physical distance... .physical boundary, might actually be a good thing.  Many of us here get overly involved, are care-takers, or rescuers and end up enmeshed and co-dependent.  This distance is protecting you from some of this and also allows you to have an outside prospective of what is going on with your brother.  When we get overly involved it can become hard to see the forest through the trees.

Panda39

Personally, I think my brother has been too much of a source of anxiety and worry recently, which probably is not good. Furthermore, I feel that since I have the closest relationship with my brother that it is more my responsiblity to help.

I do think he functions better on his own than when he is around family. So i do see positives in the distance. Talking with him once or twice a week, like we have over the past couple years, seems to be the best way for him to prosper. However, now he wants to communicate several times per day, as previously described, which I think has negative consequences for everyone.

[HappyChappy]

However, now he wants to communicate several times per day, as previously described, which I think has negative consequences for everyone.

If your brother now needs more regular contact, that suggest he may not have enough narcisstic supply from other places. Has he become more reclusive, or lost other contacts ?

I would agree with Panda that keeping a distance, having firm boundaries are important or you risk your brother becoming more dependant, enmeshed. He needs to learn to self sooth. The point you made about there being no issues in your brothers upbringing, around 25% (approximately) of those with BPD are believed to be down to pure genetics, the other 75% also need a certain upbringing. However pretty much most other PD (eg. NPD) require both the gene and and a stressful environment to be present in the early years.

I would also agree  your meeting with professionals is a great idea. Knowledge is power and having a plan takes away anxiety. Even if the meeting only helps you, its worth going. You have spoken about your brother a lot, but what other things would help you get though all this ?