My BPDw wants sex without emotional connection

[Survivor09]

Hello,

I am so drained and tired of pouring myself into my BPDw. She is so mean and irrational in her behavior all of the time but when she wants sex she snaps out of it and begins to pretend that she is nice.

There is never a time that she is turned off to sex. She wants it all the time but she doesn't understand why her behavior makes her undesirable to me. Her manipulative underhanded and devious behavior is disgusting to me but she just doesn't get it. We don't connect at all on an intellectual level. I feel like I am married to a child. I desire more that what she is offering me emotionally.

I'm often conflicted because I know that sex is like medicine to her. It's the one thing that gives me a little peace for a few hours up to 1 day days because it calms her down. But honestly I seldom enjoy her because as much as I love her, I really don't like the person that she is.

she puts very little effort into catering to me as her husband and more importantly she is very negligent of our children. Her priority is having her needs for sex and attention fulfilled.  I just don't know how to handle this situation.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Survivor09,

This is so tough! I could have written parts of this post myself many months ago. Is there any way for you to reconnect at all with the things about her that you once found attractive? I think sometimes, in long term relationships, as the early passion sometimes fades, or gets replaced with resentment when our partners are so difficult... .we can try to find a way. My "h" was particularly difficult over the years, and at times I resented him a bit and was not as attracted, but the more I understood his illness the more I was able to recover some of that early attraction despite some pretty rotten stuff. I think it is possible, but it might take some mental gymnastics if you are willing to try.

Does she have a pretty high sex drive would you say? Want to have sex a lot more than you? I know for my "h" this gave him the sense of intimacy and connection he needed.

Anyone else finding sex/attraction difficult? Would to hear from more of you!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Survivor09, that is indeed difficult. I can totally understand pouring everything in and not getting anything out and doing whatever the other person wants to buy space.

I personally see sex as the physical expression of the state of all relationship where all things good and bad come out. Is her constant demand for sex reflective of other behaviors? What kind of problems in her life do you think she is using sex to "medicate"?

All the best,
~ROE

[BasementDweller]

It might be that due to her emotional immaturity as a pwBPD, this is really the only way she knows to get close or get the attention/validation she craves, but has no idea how to ask for in a healthy way.

A huge component of BPD, as you well know, is the fear of abandonment, or feeling not worthy of being loved, or not being able to trust that anyone *really* loves you without an ulterior motive of some kind. These fears can even happen to non BPD people if they have had bad experiences. One thing that we women learn from an early age (though many of us choose not to mis-use it, and even resent this fact) is that unfortunately, in the eyes of men and society in general, our biggest "value" is our sexuality. This is reinforced to us in countless ways everytime we turn on the television, look at a magazine ad, or observe how the human race behaves in general in any given situation. The sexuality of women and girls is exploitively used to sell anything from clothing, to toothpaste, to car insurance, - ad nasuem -  in a way that is almost ridiculous to any thinking, healthy, non-disordered person.

Many women who have issues with self-esteem, attachment, bonding, mood disorders, etc... .are not so good at maintaining healthy emotional/intellectual bonds (or even forming them) but even the most maladjusted female knows that offering sex is a way to get some temporary closeness, recognition, affection, and validation that works about 100% of the time. (Whether that is adequate, or healthy is another story entirely.)

Chances are your wife is painfully aware of the attachment difficulties between the two of you. She also fears abandonmant, and not being loved and accepted as she is. Deep at the core of most people, (and even more acutely, those with BPD) is a desire to love and to be loved and to connect. She's aware that the normal ways that non-disordered people tend to bond and connect are not so easy for her to master in relationships - she likely doesn't even know how to utilize them. So she's using what she has, and what she knows works. Her sexuality. The fact that it seems hyper-vigilant is probably an indicator of how badly she wants to be loved, touched, validated, and to experience intimacy with you. Deep down she probably really wishes for and wants a "normal" relationship with you. One where she feels constantly safe and loved by you, both in and out of the bedroom. But the methods she's using now are likely the only ones she really feels confident in. Because connecting on a mental level is hard for a person with BPD. Those who manage it sporadically often don't trust it, and will sooner or later disregulate again, and be back to feeling excluded and unloved. So in lieu of trying something that she fears will be unsuccessful or even painful, she opts for the emotionally safer of two options.

How to address this with her - I don't know. It would be nice to have a balance of both, right? Emotional AND physical intimacy. But as you are well aware - the emotional part is a terrifying challenge for her.

[Survivor09]

Hi BasementDweller,

Thanks for your response to my message. I am new to this community so Im having a difficult time learning how to navigate. Checking and responding to messages is a task for me but I'll get it one day.

I totally agree with everything that you are saying. For some reason, I keep trying to make myself believe  that we can have a normal relationship if she would just make a choice to do better. But I know that that is not reality. So now the question becomes, how do I overcome my desire for normalcy and continue to give my BPDw what she needs even though she cant give me what I need?

[Survivor09]

Hi Pearlsw,

Thanks for your response. I guess my question is, how do you deal wit hyour own emotional needs when your BPD spouse just cant meet you on that level? For me, I feel like I am in an abusive relationship in which I am still responsible for catering to my abuser