Pregnant - mom with BPD

[Freeme31]

I found this group tonight after trying to figure out my mother's patterns over the past 3 years, since she ruined my wedding (because she was "all alone"... .then ruined my honeymoon with huge texts about how my wedding was extremely difficult for her (a beautiful intimate wedding in Costa Rica with the most loving and accepting people and her other three children and their spouses), then found every reason to cut me off or stress me out during my first pregnancy, and after having visited me and my 1 year old son recently (she lives 6 hours away), and finding out I'm pregnant again, has started this cycle again.

The cycle is a huge text messages about how I've disrespected or hurt her in some way during our visit. How I like my inlaws better. so on so forth.

She wants me to add her back to Facebook. The only reason she's not on there is because she deleted me... .for the third or more time. This time because she was deleting everyone and only adding back those who asked where she had gone.

I know every time I stand up for myself it turns extremely crazy. I can't handle her "truths" about how things happen. I still, for some strange reason, expect her to realize she's crazy and apologize or own up to her own behaviour which causes me to distance myself or "disrespect" her. I've asked her over and over not to message me on there because she uses this "communication tool" (as she calls it) to abuse and hurt me with mass guilt or victim messages. Or dump all of her problems on me. When I try to help her with her problems she is all receiving until I wrong her somehow (whenever she starts to feel inferior) and she sends me a huge message about how I think I'm better... .or whatever she hears in my concern about her sleeping pills, trauma, depression, anxiety (all of the things she uses to make me feel bad for her... but I'm not allowed to have a response to).

My mom is on disability, which seems to be a trend on this thread. With nothing to do but think about her childhood and how much everyone has wronged her. She has isolated herself from her family and expects us to all come visit her, and doesn't know why we haven't for the past few years - when her latest divorce was finalized and she started taking it out on her relationships with us. I am the villain (deep down I think it's because she respects me the most of her children). My sister is the angel (as she is afraid of confrontation and has a distorted view of my mom and our childhood), and my brother is her baby, who she "worries" about (he hates this, and can't stand her using his trauma/story as her own to get attention (a story for another day). So I am the child who has been her mother.

I am finally thinking back to how these patterns have not just started 3 years ago. But my entire childhood. We moved twice a year, I went to 9 different schools. My father was abusive/explosive... .so I always figured it was his fault. I talked to him recently for the first time in 20 years, and asked him about the moving. He said it was bc my mom was always fighting with the landlords. Which actually makes perfect sense. She finds fault in all of her relationships, or her neighbours. She was always depressed growing up (when my dad left and she was a single mom), always in her room hiding. On the other hand she did do her best to raise us, and I did learn so much from her. When I moved out at 17 we had a great relationship where she made so much sense. She had a job, a purpose, was healthy, and always smart about other people's behaviours... .etc. etc. I think this is why I have such a hard time with her behaviour because it's the opposite of everything she's preached.

Her last message for me today, another long one about how I've wronged her. How I like my inlaws better. And that I need to just add her back to FB so she can see videos of my son. I told her I am not adding her back, that she has deleted me, again, and that this time it will have to stick because I'm tired of these games and feeling unsafe or bullied by her on FB if I dare share a feeling she disagrees with (her comments are all about her when the post has absolutely nothing to do with her). I reminded her again that I've asked her several times to call me and try to form or repair a relationship with me instead of blasting her victimhood at me in huge messages (in nicer words). She ends up calling me crying and shooting off an excuse for anything she can think of without pause, about how I've judged her, etc. etc. She hears things that aren't said... .it is so mind boggling. Then, "how do you think it makes me feel to see you wearing a shirt from your mother in law". I said, "what? I bought myself that shirt, what are you talking about?" (I had no idea how she would even think a shirt was from my inlaw they haven't bought me any clothes) - "Oh sure, it's not from her - You know what, as far as you're concerned, you have no mother." then hangs up.

I'm at the point where this does still affect me... .but also makes me laugh... .her extreme response to her thinking I was wearing a sweater from my in-law... .a sweater I bought myself... .which really has absolutely nothing to do with what we were even talking about. Then cuts me out of her life. The trend is always the same... She thinks something untrue... .I try to insert the truth, she brings up 100 other things that have hurt her in the past... .explosion.

I'm pregnant with my second child. I have a 14 month old, and a wonderful husband. It's easy for him to say I need to cut her out. I know I do. But deep down I keep thinking and hoping it will change and my kids will have a grandma.

What have some of you done to move on? To grieve the loss of a parent you never had. To accept the fact that your siblings might never understand because they don't see this side.

[Panda39]

Hi Freeme31,

Welcome to the BPD Family   

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment.  The flipping out over your wedding (you are separating from her and creating your own life - as you should  but she feels you are abandoning her), and having children (fear that you will love them more than her and abandon her further) sadly make sense when it comes to BPD.  There is a lot of Black and White thinking in a person with BPD as well, your mom probably can't see that you can love your husband and your kids and her, she sees it as you love your husband and kids or her.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for her or guilty in some way, but just so you might understand where she is coming from.  This does not mean that you sacrifice your life to satisfy her, in fact having boundaries regarding your mother's behaviors is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family.

Just understanding that these are her issues, her feelings, her behaviors and not because of you and not yours to solve can be freeing.  Your mom is an adult and her issues, her feelings, her behaviors are hers to manage that is not your job. 

Your job is to manage your life and that will probably mean setting some boundaries regarding your mom.

I'm really glad you've decided to join us.

Take Care, 
Panda 39

[madkinitter]

Hi,
Just wanted to say hi.  I'm pregnant with my second 2 and its a very triggering experience with my mom.  She wants to gab about pregnancy and see bump picks and know all the details.  I don't want to talk about it.  I'm a really private person to begin with and even more so when it comes to my pregnancy.  She's really throwing a BPD fit right now and I'm desperately trying to disengage.  So hard when you are hormonal. 

[zachira]

It is so painful to have an abusive mother that is borderline and to have siblings that don't get it. You have taken the biggest step that there is by recognizing that this is a problem, and you want to do what it takes to move on. I have found it helpful to learn about healing from past trauma and ongoing trauma, from the abuse I have suffered and continue to suffer from my mother and siblings. One of the most important steps for me has been learning the difference between how normal memories and traumatic memories affect people. A normal memory, no matter how traumatic, is one that we control, and no longer has the impact it once had, because we can access it when we choose to. A traumatic memory can present itself as painful flashbacks at any time. Sometimes we do not recognize that it is a flashback, because there are only uncomfortable sensations, and no verbal recall. There are many mindfulness practices and therapies that help turn traumatic memories into normal ones. For me, the most helpful has been EMDR Therapy, meditation classes, and taking quiet time out for myself each day.
The second part to this, is there is ongoing trauma from the fact that your mother and siblings will not likely ever change. I am working on setting better boundaries with my family members, so their behavior affects me less negatively.
You are the expert on what are the best ways to deal with the ongoing pain from having family members mistreat you. There are many people on this board who have really helped me, and lots of great tools. Please let us know what is helpful, and disregard what isn't. Take care.