Should I go through with divorce

[ksbpilot60]

I am a 65 year old semi-retired professional male. Over the course of our almost 17 year marriage (including the night of the day we were married), my wife has told me dozens of times that she wants a divorce. Early in the marriage, a marriage counselor suggested to me that my wife has BPD. I'd never heard of it, but read two books recommended by the counselor. Their desciption of BPD behavior fit my wife exactly. Shortly after the New Year, my wife had yet another meltdown, fueled in no small part by her excessive drinking (which is chronic), and said yet again that she wanted a divorce and for good measure threw in that she hated me and wanted to "just stab me".  I decided enough is enough, moved out, and got a lawyer. I have not seen or spoken to her in over six weeks. We communicate only by email. Hers have alternated between bizarre (she accused me of orchestrating a county wide internet shut down in order to force her to leave the house) and requests to meet and try and work things out. I'm very conflicted. I still love her but don't miss the volatility, the explosions, etc. Any advice/insight would be greatly appreciated. Thx.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi ksbpilot60,

Welcome! A lot of us here have experienced this kind of behavior - tons of break up threats. There is a policy here not to advise folks to stay or to leave.

How are you feeling? Are you up for possibly learning tools that could alter the dynamic for the better or at least not make it worse? Do you need more time away from her to decide?

warmly, pearl.

p.s. hopefully others will join us here and share stories, insights, and support!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi ksbpilot60,

I'm sorry that your relationship has been more difficult. It sounds like you are trying to make a very hard choice.

What part of the decision to stay or go is hardest for you? Are you holding out hope that things could get better? What kinds of things trigger your W to threaten you with divorce?

[ksbpilot60]

Thank you, PearlSW and Tattered Heart for your resonses. The hardest part of my decision to stay or go is financial, as crass as that may sound. I worked hard to build up a good retirement for us and now the thought of giving half of that to her sends me up the wall. And I do hope that things will get better, but I constantly question the valitidy of that hope. Example: long before our most recent separation, we had planned a trip to England to visit her family and then on to Ireland. After her meltdown and umpteenth announcement that she wanted a divorce, I cancelled my part of the trip, but she kept hers. She's now in Dublin. Two nights ago she texted me that she wanted to "wipe the slate clean"and start over. The next night she texted that guys were hitting on her and he was enjoying flirting back. How can that possibly be construed as an overture to get back together?
And yes, I am definitely up for learning tools that could alter the dynamioc for the better. It's been 9 weeks away from her now and I am still no closer to making a good decision. Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[DearHusband]

The next night she texted that guys were hitting on her and he was enjoying flirting back. How can that possibly be construed as an overture to get back together?

That's the "I'm desirable. You don't really want to go through with this do you?" message.

Is money really the only reason to stay together?

[Radcliff]

ksbpilot60,

You mentioned splitting your retirement savings.  It seems like you got married in mid-career, and perhaps live in a community property state.  Did you earn all of your retirement savings after you married?  Have you confirmed with your lawyer that she would be entitled to half of it?  When you are considering a secure retirement, money is not a crass thing to consider.

Is your wife in any sort of counseling?  I suspect the answer is "no," but am just covering the bases.

I am actually in the middle of contemplating the future of my 23 year marriage.  One of the things that I discovered is that after living with a pwBPD for nearly 30 years, I'd gotten so used to stuffing my feelings, I really wasn't in tune with my gut.  I didn't know how to listen to it.  My brain, analyzing pros and cons, consistently fails to come up with a solution, so I'm learning to tune into my gut feelings.  When you think about spending 20 more years with your wife?  How does your body feel?  Do you feel tense?  Relaxed?

WW