I think I am grieving for what could have been, had she not had BPD

[Pencil sketch]

It's been 6 days, since I changed my number, and spoken to her.
I still think about her, but it isn't relentless. I think I am grieving for what could have been, had she not had BPD, or was capable of 'normal' emotions.
I am starting to work on myself, which is a little strange, the past 2 yrs, she has been, at her own request, been my priority.
Things she said, still go through my head, but I can now see it comes from a disordered mind, and thinking of her, as a 5 yr old, stamping her feet, helps enormously.
I feel lost, but positive I can get back to me.
Nothing specific to report, just getting it out.

[southside420]

I feel the same and am contemplating changing my number. My ex has not left me alone in over 4 months. I'm trying to move on but it's difficult. I do think about what could have been too, if she was not disordered, but she is so I cannot dwell on that for too long. The truth was, she was very abusive, threw fits like a child and continues to think I am coming back to her. Just have to stay strong. It is strange without the chaos at first, but in the long run, we will all be fine.

[stixx44]

Pencil,

I know how you feel.  Two weeks NC for me and everyday feels better than before.  She is not on my mind constantly like she was before.

I was very angry with her after the last breakup... .that has not been an emotion I had felt before.  The anger is still there, and it helps me get through times I start dwelling on the good memories.

I wish us both well through this very difficult process.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your replies, and I can relate to what you are both saying, I think the thing I am finding difficult to adjust to, is the peace, don't get me wrong, it still bloody hurts, but now I have taken my hand out of the fire, it's just throbbing.
I don't feel angry, just betrayed, anger never sits well with me, it's nor an emotion I am accustomed to, but when it inevitably arrives, I shall deal with it.
All the literature I have consumed about this disorder, seems to be helping too, it's as if my mind is processing all these emotions, and ticking them off, I acknowledge them, and move on.
No contact, really is the only way.
I am proud of us x

[southside420]

Thanks for your replies, and I can relate to what you are both saying, I think the thing I am finding difficult to adjust to, is the peace, don't get me wrong, it still bloody hurts, but now I have taken my hand out of the fire, it's just throbbing.
I don't feel angry, just betrayed, anger never sits well with me, it's nor an emotion I am accustomed to, but when it inevitably arrives, I shall deal with it.
All the literature I have consumed about this disorder, seems to be helping too, it's as if my mind is processing all these emotions, and ticking them off, I acknowledge them, and move on.
No contact, really is the only way.
I am proud of us x

Yes. Here and other places have helped me immensely in coping with the loss. Prior to everything, I did not know what BPD was and whether it could be treated. It certainly explained all of my ex's beahvior towards me and why she did things I could not understand. With that said, I am removing myself from her toxicity and trying to protect myself from her moving forward. I do hope your ex leaves you alone. Mine has not, and I am weighing in changing my number as well.

[Pencil sketch]

Southside420, my ex gave a cast iron guarantee, that hell will freeze over, before she contacts me again, so I don't have that worry, she has found employment after 4 yrs of not working, and has met someone else, so I am the furthest thing from her mind.
Your situation, must be hard, once upon a time, I would cling on to every word she said, even if it was dismantling me, or our relationship.
She is stalling you, and it's draining, for your own sanity, and peace if mind, change your number, keep posting, it helps reading your messages.

[JNChell]

Hey SS420, I’d like to echo the advice that Pencil sketch offered you. Sometimes, it’s in our best interest to take a step that we’d rather not take. This stuff is hard, SS. If it will grant you piece of mind to not hear from her, my vote is “yay” on changing your number. You may hear from her again, you may not. All of us here that recycled are gamblers in a sense. Buy yourself some time for you.

[JNChell]

Hey Pencil sketch. Thanks for offering guidance to a fellow member on your thread. Very upstanding of you.

NC is hard. I relate to you on the “what if’s”. I’ve been struggling with that for a while. I saw that you mentioned the hope that many of us hold on to in another thread that you posted in. That hope has been a real roadblock for me, and it took me reading your post for it to crack my thick skull and start to sink in. I’ve had this “hope” for so long throughout so many different scenarios that I’m baffled it hasn’t sunk in yet. So many different scenarios. It never got better. It was only a different topic or subject that I could compartmentalise instead of standardizing what I was experiencing. Thanks for being active on the board, Pencil sketch. We benefited from your insight today.

[Numbers321]

I think I understand this grieving thing. Keep thinking about the life I wanted to have as a family before she undermined my trust in her. Just keep reminding myself that how I wanted things to be and how they are in reality are different things. The deficit exists only in my mind, so I should be able to deal with it. That's the theory anyway... .