Losing patience

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

Been a little while since I’ve posted. Not because things were all of a sudden great in my life. Not because they are necessarily worse. I’ve just been so busy. I’m working from home now, and it takes me 12-13 hours to get in about 8 hrs of work with D1 needing diapers and food and nursing and naps and S7 needing breakfast and driving to and from school. On days when uBPDh dysregulates, it jumps to 15 or 16 hours of not being done with my work bc he needs so much attention. Then h wanted S7 to play baseball again this season, it was SO important to him that when we almost missed the registration h nearly spun out. So I signed him up. But now I’m taking S7 to practice and games 3-4 nights a week with a 1yr old strapped to my back (sometimes we’re there until 9pm!) and h is home playing his video game bc he “needs to decompress”. I mean seriously. WTH?

Then anytime h has a bad day or is sick or stressed or feels any negative emotion, it’s immediately my fault. I’ve done this to us. I’ve ruined his life. I’ve put him in a place that he can’t function. I’ve made it so he can’t connect with his children. I’m the most selfish person he’s ever met. I’m a pos. He hopes I’m happy that I’ve ruined the kids lives too. He hopes I understand what my mistakes have cost us all. Then it either goes one of two places. Either 1- he’s going to kill himself. And how can I stand idly by while he feels this way? I’m the coldest person he’s ever met.

Or 2- he’s going to divorce me and take my children and I’ll be all alone, like my mother. Who I don’t want to be like. She is incredibly self centered and has some NPD tendencies. But I don’t think I’m like her. I think he pokes at that bc he knows how I feel about her behavior.

Honestly? I’m over it. I’ve been in this relationship for 18 years. I’ve never had any help with bills, cleaning, dishes, or laundry. He doesn’t empty the trash or take it to the street. He doesn’t mow the front and back lawns. He doesn’t weed the gardens. He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t put the kids to bed. He doesn’t rub me if my back is hurting and I ask (I mention this one bc I have to rub him every morning before work or he dysregilulates without fail). He’s passive aggressive, he complains about EVERYTHING, he’s hateful and angry. He doesn’t take my son to baseball. He doesn’t bathe the kids, he doesn’t feed the cats or empty the litter boxes.

He rages, he puts holes in walls (though he did patch these- they are not painted yet), he makes everyone anxious with his negativity and complaining and guilt trips and passive aggressive behavior.

So lately when he says he’s divorcing me, I think to myself: why do I care? How would life alone be different than married life? The biggest thing is the kids. I don’t want to stay for the kids but I selfishly don’t want them with their dad for an extended period of time ALONE. The thought terrifies me. He’s never spent more than 30mins alone with the baby. He spends more time with S7 bc they play video games together, but they’ve never really connected (and again that’s my fault).
Idk what I’m saying. I think I just needed a good vent. I’ve lost patience with my husband and it’s really hard not to argue when he’s so stupid. Just saying.  

[5xFive]

Hello all,

Been a little while since I’ve posted. Not because things were all of a sudden great in my life. Not because they are necessarily worse. I’ve just been so busy. I’m working from home now, and it takes me 12-13 hours to get in about 8 hrs of work with D1 needing diapers and food and nursing and naps and S7 needing breakfast and driving to and from school. On days when uBPDh dysregulates, it jumps to 15 or 16 hours of not being done with my work bc he needs so much attention. Then h wanted S7 to play baseball again this season, it was SO important to him that when we almost missed the registration h nearly spun out. So I signed him up. But now I’m taking S7 to practice and games 3-4 nights a week with a 1yr old strapped to my back (sometimes we’re there until 9pm!) and h is home playing his video game bc he “needs to decompress”. I mean seriously. WTH?

Then anytime h has a bad day or is sick or stressed or feels any negative emotion, it’s immediately my fault. I’ve done this to us. I’ve ruined his life. I’ve put him in a place that he can’t function. I’ve made it so he can’t connect with his children. I’m the most selfish person he’s ever met. I’m a pos. He hopes I’m happy that I’ve ruined the kids lives too. He hopes I understand what my mistakes have cost us all. Then it either goes one of two places. Either 1- he’s going to kill himself. And how can I stand idly by while he feels this way? I’m the coldest person he’s ever met.

Or 2- he’s going to divorce me and take my children and I’ll be all alone, like my mother. Who I don’t want to be like. She is incredibly self centered and has some NPD tendencies. But I don’t think I’m like her. I think he pokes at that bc he knows how I feel about her behavior.

Honestly? I’m over it. I’ve been in this relationship for 18 years. I’ve never had any help with bills, cleaning, dishes, or laundry. He doesn’t empty the trash or take it to the street. He doesn’t mow the front and back lawns. He doesn’t weed the gardens. He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t put the kids to bed. He doesn’t rub me if my back is hurting and I ask (I mention this one bc I have to rub him every morning before work or he dysregilulates without fail). He’s passive aggressive, he complains about EVERYTHING, he’s hateful and angry. He doesn’t take my son to baseball. He doesn’t bathe the kids, he doesn’t feed the cats or empty the litter boxes.

He rages, he puts holes in walls (though he did patch these- they are not painted yet), he makes everyone anxious with his negativity and complaining and guilt trips and passive aggressive behavior.

So lately when he says he’s divorcing me, I think to myself: why do I care? How would life alone be different than married life? The biggest thing is the kids. I don’t want to stay for the kids but I selfishly don’t want them with their dad for an extended period of time ALONE. The thought terrifies me. He’s never spent more than 30mins alone with the baby. He spends more time with S7 bc they play video games together, but they’ve never really connected (and again that’s my fault).
Idk what I’m saying. I think I just needed a good vent. I’ve lost patience with my husband and it’s really hard not to argue when he’s so stupid. Just saying.  

[5xFive]

Another thing that really bothers me... .
He texts and texts and texts and texts sometimes 100 times in a day. His rule is that I’m not allowed to text him. In fact, if I slip up ONCE and text him, he will block my number. But I have to READ his texts - send read receipts- or else I’m ignoring him.
He says the most ignorant things and I’m supposed to call him. Or else I’m not validating him. Uh uh. Sorry. That’s ridiculous.
Does he call me? Nope! Seriously, no exaggeration, NEVER. So I usually do end up calling, once I realize that’s what those ignorant texts were asking for. Usually when he gets to: you never do the right thing. Being right is more important than doing right or some such rubbish. That’s when I’ll call. And then 10 times out of 10, he will hang up on me. For some slight that I’ve made toward him that I’m not aware of. I’ve started calling and putting my phone on mute so that I can respond (even though it’s just to myself)  without him hanging up (he cuts me off and then gets mad that I talk over him and hangs up). Lol. But then he hangs up on me bc he’s “not going to sit in silence”. And honestly, there is usually nothing valid to validate so silence is my only option.
Its so frustrating and I’m over this too. The silence thing is the only thing I can do to keep an argument from happening. But I’m a person too. I have needs and thoughts that I need to express. And wouldn’t it be nice if I could express them to my partner? But when I mention this, nicely, he defensively says that I’ve never been a partner to him so I shouldn’t expect that he will EVER be a partner to me. So then why the f*$& are we married? Ugh. I’m over it.

[Red5]

5xFive,

I am very sorry that you are dealing with this in your life and marriage, and concurrently with children to take care of and as well nurture and raise.

It is very good to vent though isn’t it!

What used to really get me, and get my attention was; when I would journal, and write it all down, write it all out… wow, just wow… sobering for sure.

Eighteen years is a long time, I was myself married before, for twenty-one years, and then my wife at the time just up a left one day, (long story) she had done it before, but this time she left for good, essentially abandoning me and three teenagers, resultant in a divorce, and me living as a single father for about five years until I remarried again… and I do miss those times now, when it was just me and the kids… so peaceful, and quiet, but then I remarried,

You certainly sound like you have your hands full, and that's understatement to be sure, are you and your BPD/h the same, or else close in age?

I remember “carrying the full weight” myself many years ago, I know that cannot be easy, when the other person in the marriage seems to be “aloof”.

The cell phone things you describe, that would aggravate me to no end, my current wife does things like that.

I have written this before here, I believe that our sig-others, pw/BPD that we live with, are indeed somewhat developmentally delayed (arrested emotionally), due to whatever reason, ie’ childhood tama… inducing the sometimes childlike behaviors that we see, and deal with day in and day out.

I certainly can relate to being the only one at the ships wheel it seems, doing doing doing, giving giving giving, but not ever getting a respite from the other one in the relationship.

My own u/BPD wife, presently… sometimes she is good, sometimes she is really alright, but also “fleeting”… as it goes south rather quickly, and when she is bad, well, she is pretty bad, and it does wear me out, as you describe in your own marriage.

Hang in there 5xFive, we are out here listening, stay strong, love your kids, and take care of yourself… your day is coming, I am sure of it !

Red5

[5xFive]

Thanks Red5.
My husband keeps telling me to “fix” his life or I will lose him. As if I could! Anytime he has a bad day, he blames me and tells me he’s leaving. He’s even called his family and told them we’re divorcing. Unfortunately for him they did NOT support him as he wished so he then said he’s leaving us all and going to live by himself, in the woods. Some days I think it would be so much easier for us all but I don’t want to encourage it bc truthfully I don’t want him to leave. I just want him to grow up and be a man! We’re almost 40. I don’t think I’m asking too much... .?

[5xFive]

It makes me really sad that I got both kids dressed, ready, in the car and on the way to baseball and S7 didnt ask even ONCE where his dad was. It really is such a shame. This is not the life I thought I would lead. At. All.

[snowglobe]

Dear @5byFive,
I’m sorry to see so much pain and frustration in your post. Anyone would be overwhelmed by competing demands of working, raising a family and supporting a person with mental illness. I want to point a few things, not necessarily to “fix” the problems you have mentioned, but to put your mind at ease. Even if temporarily. The array of behaviours you are describing are tiresome, burdensome and annoying for anyone to be experiencing on the receiving end. They are exhibits of just how severely affected your h by his BPD disorder. Take a moment to process it please, you are living with a person who has a severe mental illness and very little control, if any over his emotions. He is miserable grown man, who is throwing tantrums. You are not a victim, you are an adult, who happens to have a spouse with a mental illness. The first step is to recognize that his behaviour isn’t malicious or intentionally manipulative. He isn’t a villain, unless there is also an antisocial personality disorder in the mix. Second, you can’t fight fire with fire. The louder he gets, the more quiet you should become. Like @formflier always says, you have the power of taking your eyers elsewhere. Every time he disregulates, you can let him know that you won’t continue the conversation if he is dysregulating. If he persists, you should definetly remove yourself and the children out of the ear shot. This, you put boundaries to protect yourself, not change his behaviour. Regarding you son’s extracurricular activity, you sound exhausted balancing work, family and extracurricular. I also had a similar experience of being burnt out being  in a “single parent” shoes, while being married. After extensive soul searching, I’ve realized that I would do the same thing, even if my uBPDh wasn’t in the picture at all. I would do it because it’s in the best interest of my children. Thoughts?

[ortac77]

Hi 5byFive

Glad you are on here, yes I feel your frustration, been there - bought the T shirt!

You have a lot on your plate, is there anyway you can take a step back? It took me a while to really accept just how serious an illness BPD is, like you "I just wanted him to grow up and be a man". It took me a long time to really see that whilst a 42 year old physically - emotionally he was just a child and inadvertently I had been acting as his parent. This is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

I also kept thinking he can change, now I have accepted the only one who can change is me, boundaries are key and I have now established those for me.If that results in the end of the rs so be it, I have had to stand back and look at myself to arrive at this, therapy has helped me see things for what they are not what I wanted them to be. Its tough but somewhere deep inside (heart maybe) I am starting to feel different, scary after 13 years together sure but I am finally seeing how I contribute to keeping him stuck as well.

Hugs