DD18 wants to come home... not sure how to handle...

[Devastated Mom]

Hello Everyone

Just looking for some guidance. My D18 dx BPD moved in with my 70 year old mother back in January after a pretty violent explosion (one of many) at home, breaking things, physical assault, etc. There has always been a triangle relationship with the 3 of us. She has now been violating the rules at my mothers house and my mother has put the hammer down as far as her following the rules there. D18 now wants to return home. 

The main problem is that she has a history of physical violence towards all of us, but especially her sister, my D16. I have D16 in therapy at her High School, in which the therapist also knows D18 (she treated her for a few years). The therapist at school has informed me that if D18 physically attacks D16 again, she will be forced to notify Child Social Services.

D18 has assured me that it won't happen again, although sadly, I've heard that story before. I have been reading about setting "Boundries and Limits" and feel comfortable setting them, however, I am concerned about the welfare of D16. I just can't risk the possibility of her being physically assaulted again. It has damaged her physically and emotionally, so bad, that she has been experiencing severe panic attacks, among other things. I also feel horrible putting this burden on my 70 year old mother to deal with D18 living in her home, not following rules.   

Anyone have any experience dealing with another child at home and trying to protect them? I work full time and cannot be available to supervise all interactions, which causes me a great deal of fear an anxiety of what will happen when I am not home.


I realize I am the only one who can make this decision based on the information I have, but I'm just looking for any guidance or similar experiences anyone else has had and how it was handled.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello back to you, Devastated Mom.  I'm glad that you are here.

My story does differ from yours but in reading your posts I see you really are between a rock and a hard place.  I am so, so sorry this is happening to you and your family.
 
Your D18 does not have a good track record, for sure.  There doesn't seem to be any indication that she has recently received/accepted help for her anger issues and there are certainly no guarantees that she will not physically abuse someone again when/if she returns to your home.  That is definitely not a position you should have to put your household into again.  Meanwhile, your D16 deserves and is entitled to be safe in her home.

I think it is good that the therapist who is working with D16 has also worked with D18.  There is not a lot of explaining of family history/dynamics that has to happen with her/him.

You wrote... ."I realize I am the only one who can make this decision... ." and that, sadly, is the same for all of us.  We arm ourselves with as much information as we can and then hope/pray that the decision we make will be the one that results in positive changes.  Whatever, Devastated-Mom, be confident in knowing that you are doing the best you can possibly do. 

As fogged as D18's brain may be, she too is capable of making choices.  There is probably a "honeymoon-period" when she first comes into her grandmother's house... .and maybe the same when she has returned to yours... .a period of time when she follows the rules of the house.  That shows that she is capable of making choices.

All I can add is that I hope you stick with us... .keep pouring out your heart ... .keep releasing  some of the steam to an audience that is listening and understanding... .and will continue to give you as much support as possible as you move forward.

Huat

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Devastated mom, 

I whoeheartedly agree with the wise words of Huat. I am also very glad that you've shared your concerns and your story with us and want to strongly encourage you to continue. 

Your D16 is definitely worth protecting, and I'm glad you are setting up firm boundaries and doing your best to hold on to them. Tell me what other options there might be for your D18? Are there any other places she can live?

 
Wools

[Devastated Mom]

Thanks so much for the kind words Huat and Wools
 
Unfortunately, there isn't any other place D18 can go. She doesn't have a relationship with her biological father (who also has BPD). She has alienated the friends she had. My heart is sad for her, yet I need to protect D16. Just trying to get through one day at a time over here. I did tell her we needed to have a talk before we could even discuss her coming home. I plan on setting down the boundaries and limits in clear terms... .but I'm dreading it. 

Haut, you put it perfectly, the "honeymoon period" is spot on. That's how it always goes, then once things get comfortable again, that's when things go bad.

This space between a rock and a hard place is really painful.

Thanks again for the support.