I am a recovering caretaker who has BPD/NPD brother

[Mustbeabetterway]

I am not a new member.  I have been posting on the “In a Romantic Relationship Boards”.  I have recently been detaching from my UBPD husband.  I have been thinking a lot about how and why I have stayed in my dysfunctional marriage for so many years.  I think it started by feeling sorry and helpless to make my depressed father and definitely NPD brothers happy.  In our home, there was always some chaos created by either of my two brothers.  I am the youngest sibling, one brother (deceased from alcoholism and drug addiction) was 8 years older and the middle one is 5 years older.  My mother enabled them and normalized crazy behavior.  She was always in denial about the big picture and volatility.

When I saw the movie  “Silver Linings Playbook” I was like Wow this is my middle brother and my parents.  I got the message to be nice and not rock the boat.  Be a peacemaker, etc. 

Sadly, I learned to ignore my own needs.  Boundaries were something I did not understand.  There was no abuse, but just the messages that everyone else was more important and good people should be servants to everyone else.

I marveled at how unlike I am to my siblings.  I have no problems with drugs or alcohol.  I hold a job.  Neither of my brothers worked consistently.  And I could go on and on about how we are different.

Even though I am different, I married someone with a personality disorder.  Although he is undiagnosed, he has so many BPD/NPD symptoms.  He has had addiction struggles, has been unfaithful, physically and verbally abusive.  He came from an abusive home and I felt sorry for him from the beginning.  Just like I have felt sorry for my brothers.

For about 6 years, I have been overseeing my mom’s care in some capacity or another.  Hiring people to stay in her home with her, dealing with medications, insurance, bills, doctors appointments.  Even changing diapers and feeding   her.  She has dementia and Parkinson’s.  I got her into an assisted living.  It was very nice, but she wasn’t independent enough to stay there very long.  The doctor says she needs 24 hour nursing.  She is now in a nursing home.  They are taking care of her well and I visit and help out several days a week.

My middle brother with his wife (Now divorced) has owned two homes which have fell down around him due to neglect.  He wanted to move into Mom’s home when she was still living at home and she told him no.  But, she bought him a car and paid for some housing.

Now that she is in the nursing home he has been hounding me for a key to her home.  I have said no.  He has lots of junky stuff stored at her house.  I told him whenever he wants to get his things he can make arrangements with me to be let into  the house.

He happened to be visiting Mom today when I went to visit. We spoke civilly for a bit and I said when you get an opportunity later today call me.  But, he started raising his voice and asking why he couldn’t have a key.  We were in the public dining room.  He said Mom wants me to have a key.  Don’t you Mom?  And she said, yes.  Why not?  Wow couldn’t be just call me.  She has dementia.  She thinks a man at the NH was her husband, he definitely was not.  Yesterday she thought I was her sister.  She is in no position to make decisions.  BTW I am her POA.

I cannot sell her home because her benefits do not allow her to have cash.  I am trying to protect her assets.  Also, in the event she doesn’t ever need the proceeds from her home (she is in her 90s) that would be my brother and my inheritance.  It’s a modest home, but it is worth something.

I really cannot deal with my brother.  He is divorced, his kids are mostly no contact with him.  His friends are sick of him.  Every time I think we might have a good discussion, it just doesn’t happen.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.  From reading here, I am sure that many of you have similar stories.

Take care,  Mustbe

[zachira]

Sometimes it seems like there is nothing worse than to be stuck interacting with a family member that completely disrespects your boundaries and is totally out for him/herself. You are doing an amazing job of taking care of your mother, and protecting her assets and your inheritance. It is terribly painful to be giving so much, and then being treated badly for doing so. Your brother is clearly very manipulative. My brother is also. He kicked me out of  the family Christmas celebration this year, and would not allow any of my mother's caregivers to do the decorations that I usually do. He cleverly asked my mother on Christmas Day in front of my sister if she wanted a Christmas tree. My sister told me all this, to back up my brother that mom did not miss my Christmas decorations. This is in spite of the fact that my mother kept asking who would decorate the house if I did  not come. What happened to me is minor, compared to constantly having to deal with a brother who wants the key to your mother's house, and would surely not give the key back. My understanding is that once you have given someone access to your home by letting them live there or giving a key, then law enforcement will not help you to get them to leave. Please take care, let us know how we can help, and post here  to share what is going on. There are many caring members on this Board! It has helped me a lot to have their support, and most family members and friends do not understand the dynamics of a family with borderlines.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Zachira,

Thank you for your kind words.

You are correct that other people do not get what it is like having BPD/NPD in the family.   My brother is always looking for an argument.  He has been that way for as long as I can remember.

About the key, that is my fear is that he would move into the house and never get out.  Also, based on past history, he would be impossible to deal with if something needed to be done.

I have been doing a better job of setting boundaries to protect myself.  Recent events have put them to the test.

[Harri]

Hi Mustbe and welcome to this board, though I am sorry for what brings you here.

It makes me angry when people try to take advantage of sick elderly people like your brother did your mom.  What he did was a twisted form of triangulation.  Good for you for recognizing what he was doing but I imagine it was frustrating as heck.

Stay firm in your decision to keep him out of the house.  If your mom said no to him moving in before I would imagine she knew what he was like and did not trust him.  So you really are protecting her wishes as well.

Good work!