flying monkeys and harrassment

[willyintn]

I need some advise. To make a long story short I found out my elderly mother has BPD about 5 years ago. She was tested for Alzheimers and was found to have BPD. With that said I built up "walls" as a child to protect myself. I would probably be called the lost child. As far as myself I have a stable marriage, 30 years this year,stable job, good life and happy. She has forced me out of her life for the most part, telling me not to visit,call and even told me she wasn't going to worry about anyone but my sister. Sadly my sister passed away a few years ago and its like she is worse now. My sister was the golden child. So to protect myself I just distanced myself. About 12 years ago from the stress of dealing with her I had a brain aneurism from high blood pressure. I had been dealing with her a lot for the previous year due to my dads death.

With that said she has a bunch of siblings, some who are still alive. She has one I suspect has BPD as well. When I started putting up boundaries and standing firm she got this one sibling I will call  the controlling twin to harass me. Then when I wouldn't let him control me enough of times he left a nasty message on my phone a few years ago and hasn't called since. Now this sibling is getting their twin to call me, I will call this one the calm twin. The calm twin and another of their siblings have stood by me in the past when confronting her over how she was living. She was in a nursing home at that time temporary for therapy.  One of the things the controlling twin does is send word that she is in bad shape and not going to make it only to find out she is in reality ok. They have a gloom and doom outlook on life and exaggerate things for the worse. MY outlook is more like my dads outlook, I look for the good things in life. This has happened a few times and I see through it as a control play.

This past weekend the calm twin called about her. The same old story of she may not make it, you got to go by the bible and be there, she is your mom, don't hold things against people, they were done bad by their mom and they still went to her, etc. Come to find out the controlling twin had got the calm twin all worked up and the calm one called me. I have told them on many occasions I am not mad, I don't know how to help her, she won't listen, etc. But they do not listen. I call them Kamikaze callers, They call without warning, attack you, don't let you get much in word wise and they are gone. After one of these times for me I am stressed for anywhere from a week to a month or more. I am nervous and if the phone rings it startles me and my mind goes blank. One time one of her siblings came to my house and blew his horn on each side of my house at 7:00 am on a weekend. Then he spun gravels out the drive because he was mad. The problem I have is most of them live 20 minutes or less. I also can not go into her house. She does not keep it clean and due to that I get sick from her house. I almost wound up in the hospital the last time due to it. I think the reason this is starting again is the controlling twin does not want to mow my moms yard this year. But my thinking is she is getting a good retirement off my dad, its almost my takehome pay. So she can hire someone.  


With that said how can I deal with this or what can I say to defend myself. I have no idea how to help her. When I do deal with her its stressful all around, she stresses me out but since I don't let her control me it stresses her out. I had one incident about 20 years ago because of her. She was fussing at me and my mind snapped, I passed out and hit the floor. Since then I can't deal with a lot of fussing. I get extremely stressed out.  My doctor has said to cut all ties to them as they harm my health.  Their mind games are literally wearing me out mentally and physically. With that said does any one have suggestions on what to say. Ignoring the phone doesn't help, they come over at times.  

[Harri]

Hi willy and welcome back.  it has been a while. 

With that said how can I deal with this or what can I say to defend myself.

My first suggestion is to NOT defend yourself.  You are not doing anything wrong or anything worth defending in the first place.  More importantly though by defending yourself it is like saying you are doing something wrong or at least that is how it will most likely be interpreted.  So do not defend.  Have you read Don't Jade?  It explains how when we justify, argue, defend or explain our actions, words, etc to a disordered person they often feel invalidated.  When that happens, they will often ramp up their behavior.

I understand you have a strong stress reaction to them so I am not sure how best to advise you other than what I said above.  You could combine it with Validation and S.E.T. but that is going to involve being relatively calm and centered when you are using these tools.

Have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you manage your anxiety around this issue?  Are you currently taking medication for stress or anxiety?  I ask only to get an idea of what sort of support system and tools you have to help you deal with this.

One other suggestion is to simply say (about the lawn) "I will be more than happy to make calls to find someone to mow your lawn and then you can work out payment deals".  hang up.  close door.  Would something like that be possible?

Have you tried these techniques with them before?

[willyintn]

Thanks for the reply. I will read the don't jade and other links. Any more the only thing in my life that gets me this stressed is them. As far as offering to call someone on the yard I have done similar things in the past to no avail. One time she had trouble with a water heater. At that time the controlling uncle called me up. You have to remember they are kamikaze  callers, they call, talk really fast as so you can barely say anything. He was telling me it was out. At the time I was tied up with my elderly mother in law and my wife and I had no time for anything else but work. I said we could find some one to do it. He said you need to go do it for her. I offered one person and he gave a excuse. Then another person and another excuse. It was they were crooks,bad repairmen,etc. But he was demanding I do it and I refused, I said my hands were tied up.

Another time she had fallen and was in rehab. It was the "she is in bad shape and you need to go there". I told the calm uncle who called me I would be tied up for a while. My wifes mother had passed away and we were dealing with her brother. He was trying to take everything even though he did nothing to help us with their mom. I stuck to my line in the sand and let others deal with her. We were dealing with the court over the estate so we had no free time, we were going through the estate,delievering items,etc.

At this point I am tired. I have decided to just tell them its time for someone else to deal with her. My sisters boys can. One of them was bragging to me they are getting everything. Thats fine by me but they can deal with her.

As far as anxiety medicine I don't use any. I have talked to my DR and he has been real good. I have not been to a psychiatrist to deal with it. I have watched the Dr Judy What the heckreud videos and they have helped me out. I have very little stress at this point in my life except for them. It is usually a call of dire emergency and out of the blue. Then it takes me anywhere from a week to a month to get over it. One of the reasons I posted this was to get it off my chest. But when they are out of my life I have very little issues. Anyway  I will look over the links and in a few weeks I will be going to my Dr for a checkup. I will see if he has any suggestons or can prescribe something.