Advice on dealing with the false accusations about body language and tone

[Commonoperation]

Hi all! I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year. We have had extreme highs and lows. We were sharing a room but recently I moved out and into the room next door. We still live in the same house. In ways it has been helpful but its also hard because of boundary stuff. He's becoming very possessive of his room and his space. I get that bc its his sanctuary... .its just been a rough transition for me. Sometimes I don't feel like he respects boundaries on my room like he wants me to respect his. Its whatever and ideally I would just live somewhere else but its not an option right now.

A big issue: he often tells me that I said something rudely, had bad tone or body language or was being mean when, infact I know that wasnt the case. He wants me to apologize for actions I didn't do or things I didn't say and I cant bring myself to do that. To me, that's admitting that I did the thing that I didn't do! This is probably one of the most common stresses and I don't know how to navigate it. I'll think things are going well and all of a sudden he tells me I've been treating him like ___ for days. I bend over backwards for this dude. I do so much but I'm somehow the worst person ever sometimes. He's just started going to therapy and is interested in dbt, reading books about it and has severely limited his drinking-which is awesome! He is actively trying to make his life better and become more self sustaining.

I guess, mostly I could use some advice on how to deal with the false accusations about my tone, body language and behavior. It gets so bad sometimes that he will rehash old stuff that didnt happen weeks or months ago. He "reads" me wrong all the time and its soo frustrating!

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[Commonoperation]

Further more, he often cuts me off from talking about how I feel to tell me that I'm trying to turn it around, blame him and that I am playing the victim which results in me feeling totally unheard, alone and trapped.

He will hurl abuses at me and then call me abusive . I admit that before I started reading about this I would follow him around and try to talk, resulting in bigger and worse blowouts and I'm trying to get better at not doing that and leaving his space when he asks but its hard BC with other nonBPD relationships we had been able to just talk things out and it was relatively easy... .

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Commonoperation and welcome!   Congrats on reaching out and taking the first step.

Good to hear your partner is exploring DBT. I'm trying to get my wife to do the same.

Sounds like your partner is projecting, a common behavior of people with BPD. It means they project their feelings about their own behavior onto the non (person without BPD). Any time my wife's mental health comes into question, she tries to book an appointment for me with our counselor because I "obviously have problems I need to work out."

In what ways is he violating your boundaries regarding the room? What have you done / think you could do to reinforce those boundaries?

~ROE

[Commonoperation]

Thanks roe!

Well... .He has come into my room, laid in bed next to me and when I asked him if we can go lay in his bed (mine is smaller than a twin and since his was ours, its a queen) he didn't seem to hear my concerns and just fell asleep. Then he woke up and was unhappy that he was falling off of this tiny bed! He reached around me and said I was taking up more space and that I tend to take up a ton of space. This upset me because the dogs usually sleep at my feet when we are in his bed together and take up my space to where I am in a small fetal position at the end of the bed. Also I'm very small.

I don't even want to go into detail about how he doesn't allow my dog in his bed anymore. I've taken my dog to my parents house for a little while because I can't handle all of the ___ he talks on that little dude.

Anyway, a day later, I was laying in his bed at night and I fell asleep. I was really cozy and happy and hadent slept in his bed in a while. He woke me up by passive aggressively talking to his dog saying things like "sorry you can't get under the blankets bud there's no room for you" and just generally making a fuss that I was there. So I got my pillow and left. Told him he hurt my feelings and I guess I'll just go in my room.

Then of course he tells me I crossed all these boundaries but doesn't go into detail because he says I won't hear him out anyway and when I try to say that I didn't realize those boundaries existed based on his actions in my bed, he blows up and tells me that I always have to play the victim and that all I care about are my own emotions. It all just keeps piling up BC we never can fully talk things like this out. He's just mean about it even when he inks he's he's just expressing his feelings... .he's being hurtful. And when I try to calmly express mine, he says I'm being aggressive and tries to silence me by plugging his ears like a child and humming, interrupting storming off.


I stayed at my friends last night because he asked me to bring him home a tall can of beer and I told him that I wouldn't and sorry but I don't feel right enabling him. Of course that caused a ___ storm so I tried applying some stuff I've learned. Told him I understand that he feels like I'm doing him wrong but can't bring myself to enable his drinking when he's in a bad way- a few days now and my bout of depression didn't help. Turned off my phone for a bit and went to hang with a friend. Turned it back on to let him know that I was staying with a friend and don't want more conflict and he just kept coming at me with insults ... so long sorry short I didn't really engage with him beyond telling him what I was doing and that I loved him.

This morning I texted him again to remind him of his therapy and please  go to it and let him know that he is loved and cared for and he responded saying he almost cried and keep my chin up and he thanked me for my support and ended up going to therapy... .So I'm glad he has stayed on track today and seems better than last night but eff I'm tired! I don't wanna go home yet!

[RolandOfEld]

Hi CO, so many commonalities. The bed stuff might seem humorous to someone else but can stand for a big violation of boundaries since good sleep is vital to a functioning life. I have had my sleeping violated in many ways.

Kudos to you for setting the boundary about enabling his drinking. I am trying to do the same with my wife. One night not long ago she asked me to hold her beer for her when she could easily put it somewhere else. I think she was testing how much she could use me. I said no and she put it on my leg (really cold), jokingly but not entirely so. I got up and left.

You are doing a great job supporting him. For your side of things, I highly recommend this book I am working through called Boundaries:
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

It is from a Christian perspective but written by psychologists. I myself am not Christian but still find the principles very relevant. I have been suggesting it to a lot of members.

~ROE  

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome commonope,

Sorry to hear that things have been so hectic in your relationship. I'd like to second what RolandofEld said about not buying alcohol for him. I do the same with my H and cigarettes.

When your partner makes accusation against you, how do you usually respond? I now for myself my first response was to start trying to explain or justify myself which just made things worse.

One thing you might try is to just try to dig in to what he means by asking him questions: "What part of what I said was mean?" "I'm confused. I want to understand what you are feeling. What body language did I do that was rude?"

This prevents you from having to take the blame for it and it puts the attention more on what he is experiencing than debating what really happened. To someone with BPD their perception=reality and to disagree with their perception=rejection of them. Responding in a way that allows them to just talk about their perception can often be enough to let them know you are listening and often they want to know you care more than being right, even though it seems like they need to be right. Does that make sense?