My long confusing story, help me make sense of dating someone with BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This may end up a long post, so I apologize in advance and hope a few will read. I posted in a few other sites forums trying to make sense of this. Had I suspected this disorder and discovered this forum sooner, this probably would have been many small posts.

I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost 2 years. I'm 36, she's 28. It's not quite long distance, but we are about 2 hours apart so we only see each other 2 or 3 times a week. She gets nervous talking on the phones, but we texted almost constantly throughout our days during that time. I think she needed constant assurance what I was doing, and in a way I got used to it and enjoyed talking with her almost constantly. We did occasionally spend the weekend with each other and we take vacations together. We also each have two kids. Up until this breakup, we had plans for me to sell my home and move about an hour closer to bridge the distance, and had plans to vacation this summer with all of the kids together.
During that time, we've broken up for a couple of days about 3 or 4 times. Over the course of the relationship, she had confided in me that she was bipolar and knew being with her would be a challenge. She said her doctor had never confirmed the bipolar diagnosis, just suspected and was certain she suffered from depression and anxiety. They've tried her on several different meds, some seem to work for a while, but eventually her body adjusts and they no longer work. After 2 years I'm convinced she has borderline personality disorder. I've tried my best to deal with it, but in the end followed every pattern I've read about for that type of relationship.

Our first breakup was over Valentine's day 2017. I was sick and couldn't spend it with her, so she overreacted extremely. We didn't speak for 3 days of her giving me the silent treatment but eventually reconciled. This seemed to be the pattern, as any time a conflict arose, even a minor one over something as simple as a disagreement over what to do on a certain weekend, she would get disproportionately angry. Rather than talking to resolve the conflict, her method of dealing with it would be 2 or 3 days of silent treatment. She would tell me to lose her number and don't contact her. Sometimes I would get a text from her saying she's sorry and didn't mean it, others I would have to drive to see her to reconcile. I had hoped this behavior would get better, but it never seemed to change. I stuck it out because when times were good, they were very good. We went to music festivals together, beach trips, and had several date nights every week for 2 years that were wonderful. We were in almost constant contact via text. In some ways, I don't think I've ever met someone I had so much in common with. And of course, the ridiculously good crazy-girl sex, sometimes in public, and quite often kinky.

There were other issues that I (stupidly, I know) overlooked. She has a drinking problem, but won't admit it. She's great fun when we're out, but sometimes will have 1 or 2 before we go and I won't realize till she's drunk that she hasn't "only had 3". She also drinks a couple times during the week home alone, which I view as unhealthy.

When I met her, she had quit smoking, but started back up again when she started a new job that was stressful. She didn't tell me this and hid it for about 6 months. When I eventually found out, she "quit for me" but she would start up again for a few days whenever we were not speaking during an argument.
She definitely has an anger problem, and can be triggered by just about anything. This is the type of woman who threatens to kill people in traffic.  She ran out and got a tattoo, I hated it, we fought about it. And she has lots of stories of family abuse, which I am now starting to question. And extreme insecurity issues to where the slightest criticism or anything that can be viewed as such is a huge argument.

Friday two weeks ago, I thought we were in a really good place. We hadn't been fighting, we had vacation plans for 4 or 5 trips this summer, and were a week away from one of her kids birthday parties, which for the first time I was going to be bringing both of my kids to be around her whole family at once. To me this seemed like a huge step, as we don't often have them all together. I was, oddly enough, really happy that day. At some point during the evening I commented on how much fun we had when we were out drinking the night before. She then started crying and saying "You don't find me attractive, you don't want to f* me unless you're drunk". I tried to comfort her and assure her this was not the case, after all we were together several times a week for 2 years, often in the car if we couldn't make the drive to each others home, so the very suggestion to me was ridiculous, but nothing I could say was good enough and it eventually lead to her hysterically yelling "get out of my car" in a restaurant parking lot. I was afraid she would drive off with me in it, or hit me (she had never before, but she was hysterical), so I eventually complied and said "I can't deal with this crazy anymore. Maybe this time I'll block you for a couple of days"
I tried to contact her a few days later to make up as we had before, but she wouldn't answer the phone. I only got two texts back, both hostile, telling me to lose her number and leave her alone. Considering she says this every time during the push/pull cycle, I wasn't surprised, but didn't think she meant it. The next week was our kids birthday parties and I didn't want to deal with any drama during those, but the next weekend I drove 2 hours to see her and attempt to reconcile as we always had before. Or so I thought. She was home but wouldn't even answer the door. I got a text from her telling me to leave or she would call the cops. Walking away I glanced in her car and saw two things: Cigarettes, she had started smoking again. And empty condom wrappers, not the kind we ever bought. I sent her a text back about this, she claimed they were ours, but of course I know better and am 100% certain on this. The next day, she had changed her phone number.

In hindsight, I believe I had been in the devalue and discard phase for months.  That maybe this seemingly insignificant argument was another attempt to get me to react badly so she could justify leaving.

I'm so confused now. I don't know if she was cheating on me the whole time or just moved on within a week. But I began to question a lot of her stories. Typical BPD stuff, claims to have been a rape victim as a child, claims to have found her brother and saved his life after he shot himself in a suicide attempt. Who knows if they were true and caused her to be this way, or if those were attention getting.

I'm not sure how mentally to get over this. There was no conversation to have any sort of closure here. It was like things were finally perfect one minute and we were planning a future, the next she has a breakdown, and now she hates me. From everything I read on BPD I'm now "split black" and there will never be any discussion with her that will tell me why. There's a part of her I still love, but I'm starting to question how much of what I knew about her was real. Thought about writing a letter that might be better received since she won't allow a face to face conversation. She hasn't spoken a word to me since that night, just a few hostile texts, and threats of a restraining order. I know wanting her back is unhealthy, but I could move on a lot easier if I just knew what happened.  I will say I'm probably codependent, but I don't feel like I was this way before I met her.  I feel used, and damaged.

The closest thing to closure I may ever get is a conversation I had with her after one of her rages and 2 days of silence in October.  During which she said she felt like she doesn't care about the future anymore, and expressed that she sometimes feels like 2 different people, and doesn't really know who she is.   She said this other side of her doesn't care about anything, wants to be alone, and wants to drink all the time, but her kids deserve better.  Around this same time she had met a lot of new people at her work, I believe they had a heavy influence on her as she started trying to self-medicate with CDB oil, started getting tattoos, and drank more often.  Hindsight, again, I think she was transitioning one of her new friends to her new "favorite person" and started to change a lot during this time.

Sorry if this rambles a bit. 2 years of hell condensed into one post. Any comments and all advice welcome.

[kleptoz28]

This may end up a long post, so I apologize in advance and hope a few will read. I posted in a few other sites forums trying to make sense of this. Had I suspected this disorder and discovered this forum sooner, this probably would have been many small posts.

I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost 2 years. I'm 36, she's 28. It's not quite long distance, but we are about 2 hours apart so we only see each other 2 or 3 times a week. She gets nervous talking on the phones, but we texted almost constantly throughout our days during that time. I think she needed constant assurance what I was doing, and in a way I got used to it and enjoyed talking with her almost constantly. We did occasionally spend the weekend with each other and we take vacations together. We also each have two kids. Up until this breakup, we had plans for me to sell my home and move about an hour closer to bridge the distance, and had plans to vacation this summer with all of the kids together.
During that time, we've broken up for a couple of days about 3 or 4 times. Over the course of the relationship, she had confided in me that she was bipolar and knew being with her would be a challenge. She said her doctor had never confirmed the bipolar diagnosis, just suspected and was certain she suffered from depression and anxiety. They've tried her on several different meds, some seem to work for a while, but eventually her body adjusts and they no longer work. After 2 years I'm convinced she has borderline personality disorder. I've tried my best to deal with it, but in the end followed every pattern I've read about for that type of relationship.

Our first breakup was over Valentine's day 2017. I was sick and couldn't spend it with her, so she overreacted extremely. We didn't speak for 3 days of her giving me the silent treatment but eventually reconciled. This seemed to be the pattern, as any time a conflict arose, even a minor one over something as simple as a disagreement over what to do on a certain weekend, she would get disproportionately angry. Rather than talking to resolve the conflict, her method of dealing with it would be 2 or 3 days of silent treatment. She would tell me to lose her number and don't contact her. Sometimes I would get a text from her saying she's sorry and didn't mean it, others I would have to drive to see her to reconcile. I had hoped this behavior would get better, but it never seemed to change. I stuck it out because when times were good, they were very good. We went to music festivals together, beach trips, and had several date nights every week for 2 years that were wonderful. We were in almost constant contact via text. In some ways, I don't think I've ever met someone I had so much in common with. And of course, the ridiculously good crazy-girl sex, sometimes in public, and quite often kinky.

There were other issues that I (stupidly, I know) overlooked. She has a drinking problem, but won't admit it. She's great fun when we're out, but sometimes will have 1 or 2 before we go and I won't realize till she's drunk that she hasn't "only had 3". She also drinks a couple times during the week home alone, which I view as unhealthy.

When I met her, she had quit smoking, but started back up again when she started a new job that was stressful. She didn't tell me this and hid it for about 6 months. When I eventually found out, she "quit for me" but she would start up again for a few days whenever we were not speaking during an argument.
She definitely has an anger problem, and can be triggered by just about anything. This is the type of woman who threatens to kill people in traffic.  She ran out and got a tattoo, I hated it, we fought about it. And she has lots of stories of family abuse, which I am now starting to question. And extreme insecurity issues to where the slightest criticism or anything that can be viewed as such is a huge argument.

Friday two weeks ago, I thought we were in a really good place. We hadn't been fighting, we had vacation plans for 4 or 5 trips this summer, and were a week away from one of her kids birthday parties, which for the first time I was going to be bringing both of my kids to be around her whole family at once. To me this seemed like a huge step, as we don't often have them all together. I was, oddly enough, really happy that day. At some point during the evening I commented on how much fun we had when we were out drinking the night before. She then started crying and saying "You don't find me attractive, you don't want to f* me unless you're drunk". I tried to comfort her and assure her this was not the case, after all we were together several times a week for 2 years, often in the car if we couldn't make the drive to each others home, so the very suggestion to me was ridiculous, but nothing I could say was good enough and it eventually lead to her hysterically yelling "get out of my car" in a restaurant parking lot. I was afraid she would drive off with me in it, or hit me (she had never before, but she was hysterical), so I eventually complied and said "I can't deal with this crazy anymore. Maybe this time I'll block you for a couple of days"
I tried to contact her a few days later to make up as we had before, but she wouldn't answer the phone. I only got two texts back, both hostile, telling me to lose her number and leave her alone. Considering she says this every time during the push/pull cycle, I wasn't surprised, but didn't think she meant it. The next week was our kids birthday parties and I didn't want to deal with any drama during those, but the next weekend I drove 2 hours to see her and attempt to reconcile as we always had before. Or so I thought. She was home but wouldn't even answer the door. I got a text from her telling me to leave or she would call the cops. Walking away I glanced in her car and saw two things: Cigarettes, she had started smoking again. And empty condom wrappers, not the kind we ever bought. I sent her a text back about this, she claimed they were ours, but of course I know better and am 100% certain on this. The next day, she had changed her phone number.

In hindsight, I believe I had been in the devalue and discard phase for months.  That maybe this seemingly insignificant argument was another attempt to get me to react badly so she could justify leaving.

I'm so confused now. I don't know if she was cheating on me the whole time or just moved on within a week. But I began to question a lot of her stories. Typical BPD stuff, claims to have been a rape victim as a child, claims to have found her brother and saved his life after he shot himself in a suicide attempt. Who knows if they were true and caused her to be this way, or if those were attention getting.

I'm not sure how mentally to get over this. There was no conversation to have any sort of closure here. It was like things were finally perfect one minute and we were planning a future, the next she has a breakdown, and now she hates me. From everything I read on BPD I'm now "split black" and there will never be any discussion with her that will tell me why. There's a part of her I still love, but I'm starting to question how much of what I knew about her was real. Thought about writing a letter that might be better received since she won't allow a face to face conversation. She hasn't spoken a word to me since that night, just a few hostile texts, and threats of a restraining order. I know wanting her back is unhealthy, but I could move on a lot easier if I just knew what happened.  I will say I'm probably codependent, but I don't feel like I was this way before I met her.  I feel used, and damaged.

The closest thing to closure I may ever get is a conversation I had with her after one of her rages and 2 days of silence in October.  During which she said she felt like she doesn't care about the future anymore, and expressed that she sometimes feels like 2 different people, and doesn't really know who she is.   She said this other side of her doesn't care about anything, wants to be alone, and wants to drink all the time, but her kids deserve better.  Around this same time she had met a lot of new people at her work, I believe they had a heavy influence on her as she started trying to self-medicate with CDB oil, started getting tattoos, and drank more often.  Hindsight, again, I think she was transitioning one of her new friends to her new "favorite person" and started to change a lot during this time.

Sorry if this rambles a bit. 2 years of hell condensed into one post. Any comments and all advice welcome.

[Foursome]

Im sorry your going through this.  All of us here have similar stories.  One thing that's helped me is to really understand there is a mental illness that's effecting your relationship.

Learn all you can about that.  Once you fully understand that it wouldn't have mattered who you were or what you did... .that illness was still going to wreck everything.

[spero]

Hey there kleptoz28, sending you greetings from the community and 
First, thank you for pouring out your heart in your post. It takes strength and courage to share what you've just said.

You mentioned in your subject that you'd like someone to help you make sense of what is happening.
I'll be happy to take sometime to help you do that in a more detailed post.

I do believe that you'll find many similar stories which echoes the patterns your ex-partner is exhibiting in on this community board. I hope that as you spend time here, you'd find support and perhaps be able to make better sense of what's been happening to you.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that. It must indeed be so heartbreaking to lose a loved one like this... .and perhaps even having some allusions to being cheated on. My heart goes out to you.

We're here to help and listen

Yours,
Spero.

[kleptoz28]

Thank you both for the kind words.  I'm not certain I was cheated on during the relationship, but I am completely certain she had someone new within a week or two after.  

I've read lots of stories similar to my own in the past couple of weeks to try to better understand what happened.  

One bit I left out of my OP, which fits with my suspicions of BPD, when I met her I was not only her "love" but her "only friend".  She had moved back to her hometown after a separation/divorce and had no friends.  Since she was only living an hour away from home before, I guess this should have seemed odd.  Blinded by lovebombing.  She did eventually acquire new friends at her job, and as she did her personality began to change.  Seems like maybe heavy mirroring in the beginning that slowly went away as she began to mirror her new best friends instead?

Also during that conversation I had with her in October, she stated she didn't feel like she was always herself around me, and wasn't sure I knew the "real" her because she doesn't know herself.  (So obvious in hindsight!)

[spero]

Hey there Kleptoz28,

I do believe that in your post there were many markers which did seem telling that something was amiss with your ex-partner i quote them below. This is not exhaustive but, there were many  that i've identified which were similar to my own experiences.

• She confided in you and said that she was bi-polar
• But I am completely certain she had someone new within a week or two after. 
• when I met her I was not only her "love" but her "only friend". 
• She did eventually acquire new friends at her job, and as she did her personality began to change. 
• Seems like maybe heavy mirroring in the beginning that slowly went away as she began to mirror her new best friends instead?

May i then ask, when was the last time she contacted you? Is she still attempting to reconnect with you or she has been silent since the time you've posted this? If you'd like, I'd be most happy to help expound what you might be experiencing if you'd like to dive into the technicalities and psychology behind the behaviors your ex-partner is exhibiting.

Takeheart,
Spero

[Shawnlam]

Well all I can say is your certainly aren’t alone on this . what you went through ( although longer than me) seems pretty standard actions for someone with BPD. Don’t beat yourself up that you didn’t get closure by having a reasonable discussion with her ,that simply wouldn’t of happened.They don’t really know in a way that they are that sick.My own gf knew something was wrong with her because she told me but that’s about it.
As for them moving on you would be correct they do it instantly almost ,again don’t take it personal it’s not about you(mine cheated on me while together). All I can suggest is keep your story and questions coming ,post and read up on this you will feel better within a few weeks/months.Do yourself a big favor though cut contact totally before things get real complicated even dangerous... .she’s painted you black ,save yourself the torture of trying to figure out why and move on and heal!

[kleptoz28]

Hey there Kleptoz28,

I do believe that in your post there were many markers which did seem telling that something was amiss with your ex-partner i quote them below. This is not exhaustive but, there were many   that i've identified which were similar to my own experiences.

May i then ask, when was the last time she contacted you? Is she still attempting to reconnect with you or she has been silent since the time you've posted this? If you'd like, I'd be most happy to help expound what you might be experiencing if you'd like to dive into the technicalities and psychology behind the behaviors your ex-partner is exhibiting.

Takeheart,
Spero

There were so many more signs than that, on every checklist or symptom list for BPD I find she ticks all but 1 or 2 boxes.  The inexplicable rage at everything, sometimes she was aware of this and would talk about it, sometimes not.  The desire to self-harm, though she had never acted on it.  I could go on and on in another giant post.

I believe I'm split black at this point.  She has made no attempts to contact me and has no desire to reconnect.  We had an argument over something that was basically all an internal feeling she had, she had that tantrum, I had to leave, and the only things I've heard from her since were to never contact her again.  

I tried to back off with the ~10 days of no contact and reach out to her again but it only made it worse.  I believe at this point aside from maybe writing a letter it would be a bad move to try to contact her any further.

At one point she knew and acknowledged there was some mental issue with her, but now she is in complete denial.  The whole time we were together I wanted to help her, but that was a responsibility I should have never tried to take on.  An impossible task.

[Shawnlam]

Do yourself a favor on the email, write it down and read it but dear god don’t send it.It can be taken as bad,stalking etc (even though it’s not all normal would know this ) but she is sick and may over react and cause you issues.Ive written 5 emails to my ex and sent none of them ,but I had to get them out.

[kleptoz28]

Do yourself a favor on the email, write it down and read it but dear god don’t send it.It can be taken as bad,stalking etc (even though it’s not all normal would know this ) but she is sick and may over react and cause you issues.Ive written 5 emails to my ex and sent none of them ,but I had to get them out.

You are probably right in that.  I already got "go away or I'll call the cops" from driving to her house ONE TIME to try to talk to her.  

Keeping in mind this was a relationship that never had any physical violence on either side, and during which I only got angry and yelled back at her ONCE in the dozens of times she did the same attempting to provoke, her reaction seemed extreme.  And even that one time was "I can't deal with this crazy ****  right now" as I walked away from her while she was hysterical.  But I am aware she has a "victim mentality" and the way she internally twists what anyone says or does, God only knows what even attempting to contact her again could be percieved as.

It hurts because I truly loved this girl.  And suddenly its as if she was able to flip a switch and pretend nothing happened and I never existed.

[Shawnlam]

I hear you on loving her ,I still believe I love mine (yes I still love her and always will in my way) so yes that literal gut wrenching pain you are feeling I totally get it. The part where they can just flip a switch and move on where one believes everything yountwo were meant nothing is really part of what afflicts BPD’s.This is part of their illness and what you must understand is ,it’s not what YOU did.Their emotions are extreme and painting you black and moving on is a defense mechanism they have to make sure they feel like the victim and echos their abandonment fears .
I know this is very hard to understand because we as normal people do not think this way ,but again realize they are not normal.

[kleptoz28]

I hear you on loving her ,I still believe I love mine (yes I still love her and always will in my way) so yes that literal gut wrenching pain you are feeling I totally get it. The part where they can just flip a switch and move on where one believes everything yountwo were meant nothing is really part of what afflicts BPD’s.This is part of their illness and what you must understand is ,it’s not what YOU did.Their emotions are extreme and painting you black and moving on is a defense mechanism they have to make sure they feel like the victim and echos their abandonment fears .
I know this is very hard to understand because we as normal people do not think this way ,but again realize they are not normal.

You are correct in this.  The other issue I believe she has is "object permanence", where its very easy for her to pretend I don't exist if she avoids me.  In the past, when she got in a mood and was giving me silent treatment, driving to see her was always the answer, in my mind that became what she wanted.  She could hold a grudge indefinitely if there was distance.  No matter how angry she was, she would light up when she answered the door and be so happy to see me.  Instantly flipped white again.

It's really what I expected to happen this last time.  It maybe would have if she had answered the door.  But this time the split seems permanent, she was so angry and wouldn't even come downstairs to answer.  And she seems so full of rage, I'm afraid trying again would be a disaster.

[juju2]

So sorry you are experiencing this... .

Welcome, you are in the right place!

There is a lot to be said, if I can somehow pause in whatever moment, somehow not get hooked.

When all chaos is going on, it's clear that i am interacting w the serious mental illness, one of the most serious. 

I am not interacting w the core person that i know and love... .

This is one of the major aha moments I had in the last year.

Read here, post here, there are caring, wise people w experience, strength, and hope here.

I have also learned, that he dosent remember what he said/did, and he does remember w photogenic accuracy what I said back, or what I did in response to... .x,y,z.

I had to develop an ability to pause, notice who I was interacting with, get real astute about noticing his body language, tone, content of what he's saying, what is the emotion behind that? and validate, validate, validate.

Tools here are excellent!

hang in there,

juju

[kleptoz28]

So sorry you are experiencing this... .

Welcome, you are in the right place!

There is a lot to be said, if I can somehow pause in whatever moment, somehow not get hooked.

When all chaos is going on, it's clear that i am interacting w the serious mental illness, one of the most serious. 

I am not interacting w the core person that i know and love... .

This is one of the major aha moments I had in the last year.

Read here, post here, there are caring, wise people w experience, strength, and hope here.

I have also learned, that he dosent remember what he said/did, and he does remember w photogenic accuracy what I said back, or what I did in response to... .x,y,z.

I had to develop an ability to pause, notice who I was interacting with, get real astute about noticing his body language, tone, content of what he's saying, what is the emotion behind that? and validate, validate, validate.

Tools here are excellent!

hang in there,

juju

I wish I had been able to discover what her actual illness was and all of the sites I've been reading on before the breakup.  Up until now, I had been thinking I was dealing with someone diagnosed with bipolar. 

Had I known some of the proper ways to react, to treat her thinking as different, things might have been different. 

Although still one thing I read here and elsewhere is there are so few success stories.

[icky]

I wish I had been able to discover what her actual illness was and all of the sites I've been reading on before the breakup.  Up until now, I had been thinking I was dealing with someone diagnosed with bipolar. 

Had I known some of the proper ways to react, to treat her thinking as different, things might have been different. 

Although still one thing I read here and elsewhere is there are so few success stories.

I wish I'd known beforehand too. I agree, that the chances of having been able to "help" my ex, or that he would've gotten therapy are very slim.

But, having known in advance, I think I'd have protected myself better and it wouldn't have hurt quite so much or been quite so raw.

[juju2]

It's is all very recent.

Maybe all the information you are learning can make a difference.

My story, wish I had known, 10 yr lived together, 1yr separated.  After about a month of separation, we were talking again... .i am late learner, only this last year learned, am aware.

If one good thing, he seems to take a long time to actually really get finished w me.  He only last week apologized to me for the first time.

I know it takes him 1-2 weeks to process what I say.  Because, I too, didn't know how to respond, wanted to share my truth, and not escalate... .
So they are quick to lash out, slow to process info.
He is anyway.

It makes for topsy turvy dealings, I am current and he is behind and ahead.  The lashing out, denial, disorder takes front and center, emotions out of control, running the show, they took over the train; the cavalry (heart and soul) is galloping behind the train.

Wait for the cavalry... .

I find he is an exceptional person in a lot of areas... .

My hunch is, from reading here, you will have another experience w her, all of this now isnt lost on you.  You may want to start posting on the reversing a breakup thread... .

[kleptoz28]

My hunch is, from reading here, you will have another experience w her, all of this now isnt lost on you.  You may want to start posting on the reversing a breakup thread... .

The way she has split me this time seems different from the last.  I did make a post over there, regarding her tendancies towards object impermenance and how that plays into this, but I'm not sure what to do.  I only have two options, to try to contact her again or go NC with her as she currently wants.  I suspect she's already moved on or has some guy temporarily filling the void.

What would make you think I would hear from her again?  It seems as if I'm dead to her.

Part of me misses her terribly.  It's like a daily heartache.
Part of me knows it's a rollercoaster, and if I somehow reconcile we end up here again.

[juju2]

There are many ways, many options.

Gather experience, strength, hope w this community.


Be gentle with yourself,

juju

[Pencil sketch]

You have just written my relationship with my ex.
What I have learned, is, you have to make a decision, and stick to it,part of you wants her back, but the part we want is long gone, the mask is off, and we are left with a very painful image, of what was there all along.
Cognitive dissonance, is brutal, and as frustrating and confusingas the r/s itself, they have gone, but have left their mark.
Truth is, we will never know the reasons why, they do what they do, we can learn and educate ourselves, but will never understand.
I just hope, that these people have moments of clarity, and realise what we meant to them, and vice versa.
I can't hate, pretend I feel nothing, that would make me as bad as her.
The only way out, is through, we have to let them go, and concentrate on us.
What we want and desire, is long gone.
My t once said, how you feel now, is how these people feel, day in day out, we have an escape, they don't.
This is about you now my friend, keep posting

[icky]

My t once said, how you feel now, is how these people feel, day in day out, we have an escape, they don't.

Yeah. I've thought this often.
That because I stayed with him, I not only found out how he was feeling, but I ended up feeling it too.
Really had to walk a mile in his shoes.
I cannot imagine how my ex, or other pwBPD deal with this all the time.

[kleptoz28]

My t once said, how you feel now, is how these people feel, day in day out, we have an escape, they don't.

I feel like in the past few months and especially since the break up a few weeks ago, I've displayed some BPD symptoms myself.  "Catching fleas" I've heard it referred to on other forums. 

I'm sure it's only temporary, but the anxiety and stress probably is what she felt all the time.

[icky]

"Catching fleas" is great... .: )

Soo disconcerting, to be going through the breakup, the madness, the blaming and then to notice you're experiencing some of the symptoms too!