How to have a productive discussion about getting help

[moonrise]

Hi,

Background: for the past couple of years my uBPDh has been engaging to a varying degree with help for his issues, usually with me doing most of the legwork to get it started and him eventually missing appointments etc and being discharged. He has been referred as far as a psychologist before and has been prescribed antidepressants but from my understanding (and from discussing it with my best friend who is diagnosed borderline and has been through extensive treatment for it) he should be referred to a psychiatrist (by the psychologist) who can give him the help he needs because he is being treated for simple depression at the moment which isn’t really doing anything.

This week he has received the letter for his initial appointment with psychological therapies to assess his needs (in a weeks time) after having been referred again.

So my current issue is that I have been through these early stages with him so many times and I can only push so much, I know that it has to be his decision to really engage and push for the help he needs. I worry that next time he has a bad week he will stop going and we’ll have to start from the beginning again. Recently during the bad times I’ve been at the end of my rope but as long as he’s willing to get help I’m willing to try as well - but I feel like if he doesn’t engage with it this time I will really seriously think about leaving. I want to have a discussion with him to this effect and to try and set that boundary, but I’m scared of how the conversation will go and I don’t want him to feel like I’m attacking him. I could really use some tips on how to structure the discussion where I can get my point across firmly without upsetting him too much.

Any help is appreciated!

TL:)R: need to tell my husband if he doesn’t get help I don’t know if I can keep doing this, in a mature and calm way that doesn’t upset either of us too much

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi moonrise,

I feel as if I am struggling with exactly these issues! My SO is dealing with depression, and taking medication, it helped a bit, but is still not enough.

I am not sure how much longer I can go on. His dysregulation just comes way too often. It's like a week, week and half tops that he can be calm. Sigh.

Personally, I don't do ultimatums. It is also good not to argue. Just state what you need.

Maybe it is a good time to review these tools?

SET

Validation

Would love to hear other's ideas and also what it is you decide to say and how it is received.

I am having to have difficult conversations today too.  But all we can do is our best!

I've said things like "It's your choice to do what you for your health issues. I find it very difficult because I can't handle this level of tension and drama. I want you to feel better and I would like to feel better too. Can we be a team on this?" But that is just me and the dynamics of my relationship. I was able to guide him towards taking medication, and I think if it wasn't so expensive, and has to be paid out of pocket, he'd be willing to see a counselor. I tell ya, when I think how a flawed health system has damaged chances for relationships I've had... .

with compassion, pearl.

[moonrise]

Thanks for your reply, always helps to know others are dealing with the same. I definitely don’t want to put this across as an ultimatum - I just know that I can’t keep trying for both of us and I feel it’s important to let him know that. And just generally have a discussion about what he wants/expects to get from it and how I can help him. Those tools will definitely come in handy, and the way you’ve phrased things sounds good! I still need to work on how to start the conversation, he feels attacked very easily.
And I absolutely empathise with how frustrating the health system can be - even if we overcome all the obstacles to seek help, that doesn’t guarantee the right help is given to us.

[pearlsw]

Hi moonrise,

If you like and have time you might try writing it out here, your thoughts, what you want to say, and we can all take a look and share insights!

warmly, pearl.