I feel it's completely useless and the pain is palpable

[Inko51]

Hi, I have created another thread re: my situation (being dumped by my ex-girlfriend who appeared to show signs of BPD) under the thread name 'unsure what to do next'.

Basically I just wanted to garner any useful strategies to a) help cope with the loss and b) improve any potential chances of reconciliation. My ex-girlfriend in effect dumped me three times.

Out of the blue she ended the relationship in Nov 2017. I was completely blindsided. We then continued to text one another for a month, then I sent an email which annoyed her and she said, "never contact her again forever" This was at the end of Dec 2017. After I explained my rationale, we started texting again throughout the end of Dec and throughout all of Jan 2018.

Then after a succession of negative texts from her, I requested some temporary space, so she responded via email early Feb 2018 stating, "I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere". I responded with a few letters during Feb/beginning of Mar 2018 just explaining that she was precious to me (she accused me of not making her feel special or wanted) and my thoughts on how things could be improved between us. We had never rowed during our time together and prior to the first dumping she had declared her deep love, how we were soul mates and that she wanted to get engaged and how she had never met anyone like me. I never received a response to the few letters I sent (four over the month and half period).

I sent one final letter stating that I would now leave her be and move on, wishing her well for the future. I even included a drawing of her dog that I had undertaken which I was unable to give her at Xmas. My thread of 'Unsure what to do next' has all the detail. A couple of days later I received a telephone call from the police as she had been in touch with them to say she wanted a clean break and no further correspondence. Although friendly, their advise was to cease correspondence contact with her otherwise it could get messy. Oddly I had already said in my last letter that I would not be making further contact anyway.

Basically I am really struggling and today for some reason feels like the worst day so far. The pain of loss is almost palpable making me want to be sick. I don't know why as there is no specific trigger to account for this. Since this episode happened in Dec 2017 I feel like a shell of my former self. I am a wildlife photographer, diver, wildlife artist, and trainer. I have just lost my mojo completely and have never experienced pain like it. Although it has been like this now since Dec 2017, but the blocking and her saying I'll never hear from her again seems to have cut really deep. This has never happened to me before. Appreciate any suggestions as I am at a loss to alleviate my anguish. I've bored my family and friends to death.

In terms of strategies to improve any chance of reconciliation, well I am in forced NC, but I cannot think of anything else I could be doing. To contact her direct could mean legal consequences so I can ill afford that. It all just feels so hopeless. I now feel the good times we had are just not worth the pain I now feel. This has been worse than any grief I have ever experienced and I had such a zest for life until this happened. I replay things in my head over and over again. I wonder how she feels, but when I did see her back in Dec she seemed absolutely fine. I suspect she has now completely moved on and does not give me a second thought.

Ultimately I suppose I just wish there was something I could do, but there appears to be nothing I can do other than what I have done already. It does seem lame that I wrote letters to her, but because she complained how she felt I did not care about her, I felt I had to do something.

 

[pearlsw]

Hi Inko51,

I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much! Since this could take an unfortunate legal turn for you I think it is wise to stick to the NC hard. I know how difficult it is when a relationship ends suddenly, or without proper resolution. It makes it so hard to let go. It feels like death, but the other person is still alive so we can get stuck there.

I dated someone for 13 mo’s and it haunted me like nothing else because of the sudden, unexpected end. Within one week he told me he “would never, ever break up with me” to doing just that with no explanation. I can still remember waking up wanting to dry heave…and I hit that point where my friends didn’t need to hear about it anymore…It hurt a lot. It was incredibly painful.

Sounds like you have some great talents! I’d recommend diving deep and finding a new creative angle! If your mind is going to obsess, let it obsess on things besides her. You sound awesome, so focus on the great stuff you bring into the world!  

Instead of contacting her come here and hang out with us!  It takes time to get over someone, no way around it. We can talk you through this and help you process.

with compassion, pearl.

[Inko51]

Thank you Pearl, those words mean such a lot I can tell you. I really am normally an altogether guy, but this situation has been so intolerable for so long. I know deep down reaching out is a futile exercise as it will achieve nothing, other than a likely visit from law enforcement as you rightly point out. Logically I know I cannot force someone to come back into my life. I guess it's the illusion of action that if I could just 'do something' then I could get her to see things differently. I find it so bizarre that her perception is that I do not care about her. If she only knew! But then she has probably moved on and I'm the furthest thing from her thoughts now. A harsh reality I guess.

The thing is if I knew what I'd done wrong then at least it would make sense to me, but no explanation and complete ghosting does not help. Plus the way it was drawn out too in other respects has added to the pain too. 

I'm so sorry you had a hard time too. Your situation sounds equally awful. The other thing about how this makes you feel is that you become very self-absorbed and cannot see anything else and in my case I guess you do become obsessive about it. Basically you become no fun to be around and lose who you were. I don't know why it's so hard today, maybe I am finally recognising that she isn't coming back. It is with sad irony that one of my wildlife paintings has now been nominated for a national award and all I can think about is her being my guest and I am finding it difficult to be enthused given my significant other is missing.

I guess I need to remember that many other people are going through this so I don't have the monopoly and I do realise that, but I hate waking up in the night and for a split second I'm okay then a wave of pain and panic just rises and washes over me. Going to sleep is the one thing that get's me some respite until I wake and then feel consumed by it all over again. When my previous relationship ended after 19 years, it did not feel anything like this and we are still great friends to this day.

Thank you for reaching out 

[pearlsw]

Oh ya! Sounds we like have something in common! The breakups I guided and where I could remain friends with the other person, where the relationship had run it course…Well, those seemed easy by comparison! They hurt a lot too! A lot! But these unresolved breakups are brutal! Bru-tal!

Do you know that old 90’s movie “Swingers”? It’s a bit dated, but there are some funny scenes where people are trying to get their friend to “get back out there” and date again after a breakup he didn’t want…They keep telling the main character “you’re so money!” So, in that spirit, man, you are up for a national award - you are so money! Go to that event, get your award with a proud smile on your face, and flirt with some new people!

take care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

p.s.

The guy I am thinking about here, this painful sudden breakup, was a genius musician guy I dated. I was about to move out of town for work (looking back this triggered abandonment issues for him I think though I promised to come back regularly to see him), and went to see him perform one last time. He was pretty cold. It was excruciating.

Guess what happened? My future next ex bf walked up to me and introduced himself. His face was beaming like a light. He had a radiant smile and incredible skin - he liked to moisturize! hahahahaa. We bought each other drinks, went to another part of the bar where there was salsa music and danced like pros  and became fast friends!  We later broke up, and it hurt too, but we are friends to this day! We were a super team! I am so happy for how his life has turned out! Life goes on and on!

warmly, pearl.

[Inko51]

Thanks Pearl, I haven't seen that film, but I have heard it mentioned a few times now so I will now make a point of watching it.

I think this is a great site, but I struggle a bit as I feel lame airing my woes (my issue), but that said, I feel there is no where else I feel really safe to do so.

Yes I will keep your words in mind and will make an exerted effort to try and park my anguish on the opening event night. My primary passion is underwater photography so maybe I just need to get diving and as you said previously, refocus my efforts on as many possible distractions as possible. The thing is being creative is hard when you're not in the zone, but I will just have to force it.

I really appreciate you responding to my woes and I need to make sure I reach out to others in pain too as it really is important to recognise people need support during these difficult times.

You sound like a lovely person by the way and I hope you find happiness and relief too!  

[Inko51]

Sounds like you have a good handle on life and many stories to tell . It sounds like you have brought happiness to many people too. A sign of a good life I think. My previous ex keeps in touch and has been incredibly supportive, but being my previous ex I do feel awkward with talking about some of these issues, but she does listen to me, although I don't want to burden her too much.

Best wishes

[pearlsw]

I do feel awkward with talking about some of these issues, but she does listen to me, although I don't want to burden her too much.

Thanks!

I had to reach out to my first two ex bf’s for help with this super painful breakup with the musician guy! It happens. We were great friends - still are there when times are tough! You have us here too now!

Despite a lot of pain…grateful for my life! All of it! I’m sure there are many more adventures to come!

[Inko51]

No doubt you are right Pearl about new adventures and I am glad you have a good support network. I can see why this is so vital at such times. Without doubt one of the most painful experiences I can recall, so fully appreciate how tough it is for others.

Yes, and I am glad I dropped on this site. It has been helpful in an hour of need. Up to a week ago I did not even know what the traits were and I fell on a topic about BPD and reading a list of traits/symptoms and I was shocked to see she reflected nearly all of them. Prior to that I really thought I was the problem and had behaviours I was not conscious of.

You've been a great listening ear and thank you for reaching out