Difficulties with Detaching

[Mustbeabetterway]

Good morning,

I have had a somewhat peaceful few weeks with very limited contact with my UBPDH.  I am still staying with my daughter and family, and have been for about a month.  

Yesterday, my husband texted saying he needed help logging onto the laptop that he insisted on buying because he was going to take over the bills (over a year ago) and he has yet to do that or even learn to login on the laptop. He has been critical of the way I handled our budget.I set it up with my Microsoft account to show him how to use it, but every time we sat down with it, we got into an argument.  Now I am not there and he supposedly has been unable to login.  So I am supposed to do something because he has nobody else to help him.  Yet, he is able to navigate the internet on his phone and figure out how to do all kinds of complicated building projects.  

So, the texting deteriorated into him accusing me of having an affair, of conspiring with a therapist to split up with him, BTW I have not been in therapy since last summer.  He says he thinks I want him to kill himself.  Finally, he ended with FU.

This morning he texts how alone he is and asks if he can call me and I said okay.  He called and it was mostly a replay of the above.  With “I worked my whole career to take care of you and now you are leaving me alone, etc. etc.”.

I have worked, too, but he worked physically hard, not his entire career, but much of it.  Although in some ways I feel guilt over that, exactly as he wants me to, he had other choices.  All through the years, I have tried to get him to take classes to advance.  That’s what I did.  He is certainly smart enough and I always encouraged him to better himself.  He did take a political job with my encouragement and was highly successful at it.  After 15 years at that job, he was passed over for a promotion he felt he deserved and that was it.  So back to physical work and somehow he figures that to be on me.  When he gets angry and feels sorry for himself, he tells me how hard he has worked and it wasn’t worth it and ends with “you weren’t worth it”. I am practically crying at typing this because it hurts.  Then I say but I have worked at my job for 30 years and I am still working.  He says yes, but not physically, as if that is his trump card.  Obviously, he wants me to feel guilty.

Our home has equity and it is in both of our interests to sell it.  But, this requires some cooperation on both of our parts.  I just don’t see it happening.  He is freaking out basically because he is spending retirement money and obviously both of us will have reduced finances since we are not together.  He has had some surgeries and will not be able to return to the kind of work he knows.  

On one hand, he wants my help and cooperation, but on the other hand, he is abusive verbally and potentially physically if things spiral down.

The longer I go without contact, the healthier I feel.  

What a mess.  I need the keep advancing forward slowly.  It is very difficult.

[formflier]

As a practical matter, can you do the bills and let him be critical.  That way at least they are done, no late fees and all that.  it would seem you have a vested interest.

In my marriage we went round and round about this and I finally did them and separated out finances.  My money to my accounts her money to her accounts... .and she gets to be pissed... .

She rarely says anything about it anymore... .but... .financial arguments are basically solved.

Once I realized there was no "happy" with my wife and pretty much no "agreement" she could stick to, I just went on about it myself... and let her do what she would do.

Frankly a bit easier for me, since I have majority income in my name.  I'm sure there could be nuance and complication in your situation.

Hang in there!

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Mustbe,
 
I can relate. Oh, how I can relate.

From what I have learned about BPD, my perception is that he tells you that you were "not worth it" because he really feels low self-worth because he has not managed to progress past a career that does not involve physical labor. He is projecting that feeling and blaming you. However, I know firsthand that being told you are "not worth it" is an incredibly damaging and hurtful experience. My uBPDh frequently used the same statement towards me. He also belittled my job, citing his physical labor as evidence that he "did real work" (in a tire shop) while all I did was "push plates around" (as a waitress.) He just yesterday made a statement about how he pushed himself to work so hard to take care of us and didn't understand why I still had insisted on "running off to my job" on the weekends. It angered me that he could so nonchalantly belittle me. The reality is that he spent his money carelessly and we were constantly on the verge of eviction or having the lights shut off, and I had to work to try to keep us afloat. If he had "taken care of us" the way he implies that he did, we would have been much more financially stable, but anyway... .in his disordered thinking, he rewrites history the way he wants to remember it.

You don't have to feel guilty. He wants you to, but it is not your fault, and you don't have to play the "guilt game."

As for "leaving him alone", well, that is not your fault either. His behavior made it necessary for you to leave. I understand how frustrating it is to talk to someone who sees himself as the victim when he is anything but. I also can see how it rocks the peace of mind that just had started to settle within you. I had some strong emotional reactions recently when I resumed contact with uBPDh. It was nice when I didn't have to make an effort to keep calm because of something he did or said that stressed me out. I am learning how to not let our limited contact rattle me, but at first it felt like I was sucked straight back into the chaos where I was vulnerable to his attacks. I just have to remember that I can set boundaries around how much contact and when and that I don't have to talk to him if I don't want to or am not in a frame of mind to do so.

It sounds like your h is definitely freaking out, and he probably has determined that you could fix it and make his unpleasant feelings go away if you wanted to, but you won't cooperate, so he verbally attacks you. He is trying to find a reason to blame for your refusal to come back and that reason has to be anything except his own behavior. He can't accept that, so someone or something else must be made the "enemy." My uBPDh does almost the exact same thing, even makes nearly the same accusations. It used to really trouble me and I would obsess over how I could prove him wrong. Now I just accept that he will think what he wants to, and there isn't anything I can do to change it. If he didn't want this to happen, he shouldn't have done what he did. It's up to me to keep the boundary in place so he can't do it again, or something worse. If he doesn't like that, well, too bad. That's the way it is.

I think your h probably wants you to fix the whole mess for him instead of "helping" and "cooperating." I find that usually when my uBPDh used the term "help" what he really meant was "do it all for me so I don't have to do anything." Also he is probably trying to find any excuse to contact you.

You are doing great, Mustbe. It is difficult, but not impossible. One day at a time. Try to depersonalize the comments he makes. He is angry and hurting and is therefore trying to lash out and hurt you, but you do not have to internalize it. I know how hard that is, especially after years of verbal abuse and criticism. You can choose to limit the contact even further if it is really stressful for you. You are not obligated to "help" him do anything. FOG tactics.

We are here to listen and support you. You can do this. 

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

FF, you are right, it is better for me to handle the finances.  It was very frustrating because he has been very critical of how I pay bills, etc.  and he ran an office where he paid bills and was good at it.  Well it doesn’t matter now because we are no longer together.  He is just frustrated because he says he is unable to login on the laptop.  It’s new and it’s a good one.  I went over there today to get more of my things and I logged right on, no problem.  Not sure what the issue is.

In my opinion, our relationship is irretrievably broken. When he was still in the “I’m sorry for verbal and physical abuse... .” mood, he had asked me to wait to file for divorce until we sold the house and he had another place to live.  I agreed and said that I didn’t want either one of us to be hurt.  Now that he knows I’m serious about splitting up for good, he is “not going to remain celibate, wants my key to the house back, he may ask for spousal support” and all kinds of ridiculous threats.  He says I should move out of our daughters house and “stand on my own two feet”. all the while he is living in our nice comfortable house that he literally threw me out of. I know he is feeling powerless because I am out of the house and he is not able to control me through intimidation and manipulation now.  

I am making some progress in preparing a place for me to live.  It’s an older home that belongs to my mom and needs some clean up and repair.

Redeemed, you are so right.  I can choose to respond or not respond to him.  The amount of time I spend talking or texting is totally up to me. That is so freeing.The whole business of communication with him is frustrating...  

Also, Patricia Evans has written about verbally abusive men.  Her research shows that many abusers say almost the exact same things. Pretty frightening.  Today when I was at the house, he said I was too dramatic. That I just liked drama.  SMH

I am going to get through this one step at a time. It isn’t easy, but I am fortunate to have some supportive friends and family, and to have this forum.  I appreciate the support.

I hope everyone has a good week!

Mustbe

[Mustbeabetterway]

I saw my UBPD husband today.  I went by to pick up mail and bills. I’m feeling really in the FOG now.  I’m struggling with the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde thing.  I have always felt sorry and protective of the hurt child in him. He was upset and feeling totally abandoned by me. He has rewritten what has happened between us, casting me as the ultimate villain and himself as the victim.  Definitely some triangulation going there.  But I didn’t step into the rescuer role like I normally did in the past.

Then appeared the flip side.  He started to rant about how I had never been there for him when he needed me at various points.  After maybe ten minutes, he chased me out of the house threatening to throw something at me.  About 10 minutes later he texted that he had checked the mail after I left and I had received something.  The ever changing emotions make me feel so chaotic and unsettled.

As soon as I left, I made arrangements for my mail to be delivered to a post office box.  Whew!  This is all so difficult.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Today is a rough day.  My STBXH is facing the reality of divorce.  The thing is that I am very sad, disappointed, etc.  but all he can think of is how sad he is, how he is alone.  He keeps telling me how terrible he feels.  I would be willing to talk to him, but anytime I answer the phone when he calls, he gets mad and hangs up on me.

There is nothing I can do that will make it better for him, I know.  He is angry that I am seeing family and friends.  He wants my attention. 

I just feel so upset  If you have dealt with similar feelings, please let me know what you did to improve the situation.  I’m floundering