Dealing with personal anxiety

[MomMae]

Anxiety - I am sure everyone here has it... .Mine is getting the better of me, I think.  I am hoping that others can share their stories and what they are doing to cope... .medically or otherwise... .what works, what doesn't.

I feel in a constant heightened state. I jump at everything - I literally have jumped at my own reflection in the mirror and my own shadow - I am not kidding.  Everyone who knows me, knows that I startle very easily.  The nice ones try to make noise as they approach me, so I won't jump    It takes everything in me to answer the phone and even an unexpected text has the pressure rising in my chest. 

Above and beyond the anxiety brought on by dealing with the upheaval my BPD dd has caused, in the past few years I have received four phone calls about my kids being in car accidents.  My BPD dd21 has been in two write-off accidents where I have been the recipient of hysterical phone calls (luckily, by the grace of god, she was not seriously injured in either, but both were a direct result of her BPD).  Several years ago, I also received a phone call from my non-BPD son, now 23, after he crashed our car - I could barely hear him, he was hysterical, and then it cut out... .It was terrifying, my tongue went numb.  He was okay, the car was a write off.  Then, "luck" ran out for us, last fall this same son 23, was in a head on accident on his way to work, his car destroyed so bad the police thought no one could survive.  Unbelievably he did, he suffered a traumatic brain injury... .So, the call you never want to get, followed by a three hour drive to the hospital to the unknown... .Followed by months of recovery... .and a miracle as per his neurologist... .basically a full recovery.

Ironically, things had begun to stabilize with my BPD daughter just weeks before my son's terrible accident.  She had moved into an apartment close to us and we were rebuilding a decent relationship after years of turmoil.  I was actually starting to relax a little, my husband and I were talking about taking a trip... .  And then the horrible phone call about the accident... .I think it has really made me think that the next horrible thing can happen at any moment and I am constantly on high alert, waiting for it.

I think I may have PTSD.  I don't even know what that would feel like, but something is wrong with me.  I cannot remember the last time I felt calm.  I seem to be able to fall asleep okay most nights, but then will often startle violently awake in the middle of the night and lie awake worrying for hours and hours.  After my son's TBI, this happened every night for over three months.  I didn't know I could function on so little sleep!

I have not gone to the doctor yet.  I keep hoping that it will go away on it's own, but I am beginning to think it may not.  I am actually starting to get a little worried for my health.  So yes, I need to get to the doctor.  I am hoping that there is an anxiety medication that can be taken on an "as needed" basis as I do not want to take something all the time.  I feel I have to find a way to try to get a handle on this mostly naturally. 

What do others do regarding their own anxiety problems? I would really appreciate any suggestions on what works for you.

Thanks for reading!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi MomMae

Firstly let me give you a great big hug 

You have definitely had your share, my heart goes out to you. I remember reading about your son 23 when you posted here about his accident. I am so pleased to hear that he has made a full recovery.

It sounds as though everything that you have been through has finally taken it’s toll. I was like you, struggling on, thinking tomorrow will be a better day, didn’t want to waste the doctors time thinking I could manage and that I would be alright. It all came to a head just before Christmas last year, I realised I needed help, I just couldn’t manage anymore on my own. My doctor said she thought that everything I had been through had taken it’s toll and suggested talking therapy initially in preference to medication. So that’s where I am now. It’s wonderful to be able to talk freely to someone who understands and validates my feelings. I can talk in a safe environment, free of any judgment. Sometimes I feel worse when emotions get in the way but I am generally feeling a lot more positive these days. I am so glad that I finally made that decision to see my doctor. You owe it to yourself too MomMae to make that call.

I also find that walking helps me a lot too, a good dose of fresh air in the countryside can work wonders, especially with my dog by my side. I hope you find what works for you x

[MomMae]

Thank you so much for your reply, Feeling Better!  I actually found my eyes watering as I read it.

I so appreciate your suggestions and I will make that appointment with my doctor very soon.  I hope there is someone that I can talk to that is covered by our provincial coverage (we don't have any private coverage) as, like you, that is what I feel I need more than anything.  Somewhere where I can talk freely and get some validation, understanding and reassurance.  I feel I have so much weight on my shoulders my knees are starting to buckle.

And funny enough, I did go for a walk yesterday, for the first time in a long time, and it was so nice to get out.  I bumped into someone I hadn't seen to in years, and luckily yesterday was a day that I didn't mind talking.  It was nice.  (I am a little embarrassed to say that sometimes I hide in my house just to avoid seeing people I know... .I live in a smallish town, something I am not completely comfortable with.  I like being anonymous).  For years, I used to walk my dog for at least an hour a day - it was "my time" and I loved it.  Unfortunately, on top of everything else, we had to put him down at age 16, three weeks after my son's accident... .not unexpected, but still, very difficult. I need to get back to walking regularly, for both my physical and mental health.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, Feeling Better.  I am glad that you reached out for help yourself and are finding yourself "feeling better" and more positive for it   

 I hope you have a good day.  MM  

[please]

Hi MomMae,
I think you and I have the same D. Two car wrecks!.
I think you may have PTSD, I have started EMDR. It has to do with processing the trauma with eye movements. Look it up. I have only done it about three times and I really feel calm for a few hours later- it is like the trauma with D is "outside and separate" from me and not part of me I hope that makes sense. With that, my T and I are working to "hold on to that feeling" after EMDR sessions to help me in the next traumatic moments that will for sure come with my D.
I too startle in the night and cannot get back to sleep.
Nothing helps, your body IS in a heightened state- "fight or flight" response. As you are in Canada, I know there are EMDR therapists. I am in Ontario and I really like my T.

I think I need meds too to sleep to get a grip on my emotions so I can soldier on (I hope). A good night's sleep can be really good medicine. Go see your doctor, and now that you have reminded me of the email I sent myself last night, I will call mine
Please take care

[MomMae]

Thank you, please.  I did a quick google search of EMDR - it sounds interesting and something that I will definitely look into further.  Thank you for telling me about it!

Sometimes I take melatonin after I startle awake and it can sometimes (but not always) help me calm down and get back to sleep.  If there are still several hours of the night ahead, I feel it is worth trying.  My other nonBPD dd took a course on sleep at university and she says that the type of sleep you get with meds is not the same as "real" sleep and can be addictive and dangerous because you are still drowsy or drugged in the morning.  Even melatonin isn't great, but it is better for you than less natural meds.  That said, when sleep is illusive, I would think medicated sleep is better than none.  My BPD dd said that in her DBT group therapy, they recommended making a list of jobs that you hate doing (ie. cleaning out the fridge, etc) and when you can't get back to sleep, get out of bed and do one of those jobs.  Supposedly, not only will doing the job make you tired, after several times doing this, you will be re-training your brain to avoid waking up as an unpleasant job awaits if you do!  She just told me about this last week, I have yet to try it... .but I just may... .    Anything that will help!  Has anyone else heard of this method or tried it?

Again, thanks for reaching out, please... .and for giving me another nudge I need to contact my doctor... .Let's keep each other posted on our progress 

[Lollypop]

Hi mommae  

I found myself really struggling after being in such a heightened state for so long. I still haven’t quite adjusted to my new life, ever wary. It’s like being on high alert all the time and it does take its toll both mentally and physically.

I found it difficult being on the forum, found it difficult to validate others - I eventually withdrew perhaps a bit like you do in your house. I hid!

I’m not there yet. I prefer to let nature take its course and learn how to take better care of myself. This is proving to be very hard and a real challenge. Taking a COD liver oil tablet and a vitamin b complex is enough to help me feel I’m helping myself. Small things matter and I’m approaching this like I did my learning here about BPD with little steps - my problem is persistency and consistency. Old habits die hard.

When I don’t sleep I use a lavender spray. I got it free from a premier inn or similar hotel chain. I also used to listen to a relaxation app on my phone. The two combined really helped me get back to sleep.

I’m thinking about taking up yoga but don’t have the confidence yet to join a class, fear of the skinny people who know what to do! I’d do YouTube but my two dogs wouldn’t leave me alone.

I really encourage you to see your GP to talk about what’s going on.

Are you considering a new pet to help keep you company on your walks?

Hugs

LP

[wendydarling]

MM 

bpdfamily is relieved to hear your son's recovery continues, we are a family site, yes BPD focus, we have family and friends with us, it's important we share all, what's happening wider than BPD, as you, LP, jones and many parents have today.

I relate to you MM and others shares, the sudden state of high anxiety fear of losing my DD and for so long, despite my self care we promote and practice here, is enduring and helpful. Since DD completed DBT and is doing well, I thought I'd gradually come off high alert mode naturally. No, I'm in an ebb and flow of relief and exhaustion -  seeking me, my centre, my balance. I do sleep well, I feel physically exhausted that's my focus, opening what. DD is supportive, she understands and appreciates I was there for her in her darkest days, We've come a long way, the future is bright, I'm on catch up!

Today I booked myself a private 2 day 360 medical assessment, the whole works, my time, just me. It's taken me a long time to get here, MM do you think similar may help you?

WDx

[1hope]

MomMae,
Your story is familiar to so many of us!  At the height of crisis times with my BPD daughter I would have difficulty sleeping, would feel sick to my stomach,have difficulty eating, and have poor concentration.  I would feel shaky and would want to hide like you!  If an ambulance drove down our street, I would have an immediate reaction.  It's a terrible state to be in,and I really feel for you!

I realized I couldn't keep living like that, so I started the do things for myself so I could feel healthier, both physically, and especially mentally.
I started going to the gym at our rec centre (I found out I could get a discount through work).  Lots of times I went to "work it out"... .work through my feelings and often my anger and frustration!  

I also started to go to therapy for myself.  We had a therapist for my daughter, but it came to a point when we realized she didn't just have anxiety, but also depression and BPD traits.  At that point the CBT could not longer give her the support she needed.  My husband and I (and sometimes our son) have continued to go to her.  She knows our daughter, and knows our family, since we often went as a family to start.  This has helped is immensely.  Since she treats people with anxiety quite often, she helps us deal with the "what ifs" and crisis situations as they arise.  She helps us feel normal!

Like you, I also joined this site.  I found lots of resources here that have helped me, and are helping the relationship I have with my DD.  I have also read many other things online, and books too.

For sleep, I did go to my doctor for meds to take when I need them.  I can't function well when I'm stressed and sleep deprived.  I try not to take them often... .only when needed.  I use an app with rain sounds to help me sleep.  I have a night routine that helps me wind down.  

I also like to get outside and walk, bike etc., and I'm eagerly waiting for warmer weather!

Please let us know how you're coping MomMae!  We're all here for you!  
Hugs,
1hope

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi MM,

I'm sorry you're so stressed out. It's so awful. It does sound like a PTSD response. I started having the same symptoms a couple months ago and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. To make matters worse I have diagnosed OCD which is at its core an anxiety/control disorder.

The things that have helped me are:

- my dogs. They are constant source of joy for me.i honestly don't think I would have survived the last few years without them.
-therapy. I have a therapist who is very experienced with BPD. It's really helpful because she can help me see when I'm having a stress response that anyone would have in the same situation vs my OCD acting up
- meds. I have been on Prozac for the last ten years for my OCD but with the constant stress over the last few years I finally decided my dosage needed a bump up. That has helped a lot.
- exercise - I started running just a couple of blocks with one of my dogs. I am pretty out of shape but it makes my dog so happy that I end up laughing the whole way.

I know a lot of people are resistant to medication. It isn't for everyone and it can take time to find the right one. However for me it is literally a godsend. I have a high stress job that I would not be able to handle if my ocd weren't under control.

I've also been trying to spend more time with friends. Just make myself feel normal for a little bit.

When I was at my worst I found a couple of Buddhist audio books that really helped me stay calm. If anyone is interested let me know and I'll find the names

[MomMae]

Thank you, everyone, so much for your support and suggestions.     I so very much appreciate the time you have taken to respond.  The responses I have received from everyone have truly warmed my heart. 

LP - I have been starting to take a number of supplements too... .without feeling guilty for doing something for myself!  Omega-3 was huge in my son's miraculous recovery (heavy supplementation is imperative after a tbi) and I am now taking it regularly myself, as it has so many benefits.  BTW, research shows that it is also good for helping with symptoms of BPD! 

I got a good laugh about the yoga and fear of skinny people who know what they are doing!  I am the same   

I miss my dog terribly, he was the source of much love and comfort... .but no, we have no plans to get another pet anytime soon.  I love dogs to death, but we just don't want to be tied down right now.  I was thinking of walking dogs at the shelter, but my husband thinks I would end up wanting to adopt the first one... .he's probably right.  sigh.  Guess I'll just have to motivate myself to get out for some solo walks!

WD - I am surprised by how many people are saying that the state of heightened alert doesn't end when once the crisis is over.  I don't know why I am surprised though... .I guess that is what PTSD is though, isn't it?  Good for you that you booked a thorough medical assessment for yourself.  For me, I need to start with baby steps and just make an initial appointment.  Truthfully, I cannot remember when I last went to the doctor for myself - though I have been there a lot lately for my daughter and son!  It is not that I am normally neglectful of my own health, it is just that I have allowed other things to take precedence the last few years. (now I'm scared of that scale in his office too!  )

1hope - Thank you so much for sharing what has worked for you.  I too, like to get outside, so I think that with warmer weather on the horizon that will help a lot.  Time to get this middle-aged woman butt out the door doing some of the things I used to enjoy like walking and gardening. 

HB - I love that your dogs bring you so much joy!  I get that - I miss my old dog every day.  I am not used to him not being here yet.  I dragged out my Bosu Ball yesterday to finally start doing some exercise and every time I catch it out of the corner of my eye, for an instant, I think it is my dog curled up sleeping... .then reality... he's gone.  I think that because we had to put him down during the crisis with my son, I had to push a lot of the grief to the back of my mind because I didn't want to upset my son by being super sad...   Animals are the best.  Please mentioned how much comfort she gets from her cats, too.

And I do agree, that just as we want our BPD kids to take meds if required, it is important to also consider the possibility for our own well-being. 


Again - thank you, everyone for your thoughtful responses!  MM


 

[Faith2018]

Hi Mommae.

I understand how you feel. Absolutely. I can't hear the ring of my cell phone without thinking its an emergency call about one of my daughters as I've had many calls for both.  My heart races and my stomach drops. I'm conditioned like Pavlovs dog. I feel scared all the time and am on high alert. I did discover that feeling that way does not prevent the next crisis though.
Baby steps... .reading others stories here helps a lot, I'm also currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I force myself out of the house to see a few close friends for coffee. I actually made a doctors appt. for next week, I haven't been in several years.
Hang in there, you can do this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi there, MomMae.  Let me join the others in giving you a much needed ((HUG) .

Raising kids for some is a a piece of cake... .a walk in the park.  Then there are the others, like us here, who work so hard for those rays of sunshine we want to share with our kids. 

We only have the two children and many-a-time my husband and I will ponder the question... .should we have had more... .or none.  Ain't that a waste of time! 

As well as having this daughter I write about on this forum, we have a son who not so long ago almost destroyed himself because of his opiod drug addiction.  We, too, one night heard the doctor say that he wasn't sure our son would make it through the night.  Thankfully he did and thankfully he agreed to a drug rehab program.  Oh the stories I could tell about that terrible chapter in our lives... .a chapter that hasn't quite come to an end.  I will add, though, that his addiction did not come about because of recreational use.  Turns out he has an addictive personality and the minute he took the first prescribed percoset after an operation, he was hooked.

I know only too well of what you speak (write) in regards to how your health/well-being has been affected because of all the drama in your family life.  I would cry during the day and would wake in the middle of the night to cry.  I remember all too well answering the phone and hearing the word... ."Mom... ." and could tell by the tone of the voice that what was to follow was not going to be good news... .my insides turning to water.

I've read that healing is a journey, not a destination.  I am on that journey... .slow but sure.  I can't remember there being an "AHA!" moment for me but baby steps did start to happen to pull me out of that spiral downwards.  Getting involved in this forum was one of the baby steps and has turned out to be a giant step in my recovery.

MomMae, I am so glad you reached out with this post and the thread that has followed shows that the support is here for you.  This is your sounding board as you move yourself on to better tomorrows.

A helpful tool for me has been giving myself quiet moments.  While once I thought Mindfulness and Meditation were for the more airy-fairy or for those wanting a religious experience, I am seeing the benefits that come with those concepts... .a calming of the mind is so welcoming and refreshing.

So whatever it is that turns your crank, MomMae, do it and do more of it.  I shied away from asking my doctor for medication, although taking medication might have got me on track a lot sooner.  Who knows?  Counselling (with the right counsellor) can be very helpful.  Those solitary walks where you work on closing your mind to all except what you see around you can bring about a smile.

Onward and upward, MomMae!

Huat

[MomMae]

Thank you for your replies, Faith2018 and Huat! 

Faith, you are so right that being on high alert all the time certainly does not stop the next crisis from happening.  I, of course, should know this (I do!) but I need to be mindful of it... .  Like Huat mentioned, mindfulness and meditation to calm the mind and soul.  I used to practice mindfulness in better times in my life, but I haven't been doing it much at all lately.  I need to, as I know it really does help and is good for you.

Huat, thank you so much for opening up and sharing about your son.  You have been through so much, wow... .You are a very strong and wise woman and I always enjoy reading your posts so much - I always come away with something to think about!  And yes, baby steps, I need to remember that for myself, too... .not to expect too much all at once.  To be kind, gentle and understanding with oneself... .not always easy, is it? 

Thank you ladies... .   MM   

[please]

Hi MomMae,
I hope you are taking time for yourself.
 

[MomMae]

Thank you, please!    I'm trying... .I find it easier to take care of others... .  I hope you are taking care of yourself, too! 

[Feeling Better]

Hi MomMae

Oh I can so relate to you, I find it easier to take care of others too. I’m a real sucker for sad eyes especially if they belong to one of our four legged friends, and some two legged varieties too.

I am slowly learning to put myself first though, I am tired of feeling like a second class citizen, I am learning that I matter and my feelings matter. We have a duty to ourselves to look after ourself to the best of our ability. Isn’t that what we are already doing for others? So why should we fall short when it comes to ourselves?

You take care MomMae   x

[MomMae]

Thanks for the validation and support, FB!  It helps so much to know others feel the same and also the reinforcement that it is okay to think of yourself.  I really struggle with that... .  I even feel guilty if I eat the "good fruit" in the house (like the blueberries, or whatever) because for so long I conditioned myself to save all the good stuff for the kids and my husband.  Ridiculous, I know, but that's how much work I have to do on myself!  I am good at pointing out to others the need to look after themselves, that they deserve it, but old habits die hard when it comes to myself... .ugh... .  (I do not even like martyrs either, and I do see the irony, yet the struggle continues  )

I did want to say that something really simple that Faith2018 said has helped me keep some of my anxiety in check this week.  She said,

I feel scared all the time and am on high alert. I did discover that feeling that way does not prevent the next crisis though.

.  I have used that as a mantra this week... .Whenever I felt the anxiety rising (and it can come out of nowhere, doing fine one minute, and a random thought causes it the next), I would repeat to myself, "worrying about this will not prevent something from happening".  Simple, but a reality check for me.  It did seem to help me deflate the anxiety bubble somewhat. 

Thank you, my forum friends, for your kind thoughts and words of wisdom.  MM

[please]

HI MomMae
I leave the good fruit for the kids too!  It is weird world isn't it.
You are a really loving soul I see it in your support to me.
It is easier to point out to others how to take care of themselves, and not to do it for ourselves as we are nurturers and it is hard to nurture ourselves
. I know for me I says when I X, Y and X then I will do something for me and then another X, Y, Z occurs to take the place of the other issues and it does not stop.  I hope you had a nice day yesterday and hope it is good today.
 

[MomMae]

Thanks, please!    
I'm snacking on some blackberries and strawberries as I write this... .almost guilt free... .   Baby steps... .!

[Faith2018]

Mommae, I hope you eat every last blueberry. Take joy in simple things.
I am very glad some words we share together here help get you through... .hugs

[MomMae]

Thank you, Faith2018!  

I saw a quote today that I liked and could relate to so I thought I'd post it here (as best I can remember it, anyway  )

When it comes to fear, you have two choices:

Forget
Everything
And
Run  

or,
  
Face
Everything
And
Rise

I'm going to try for the second one  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders