uBPD mother Raging at Daughter

[5min]

I'm posting here but this may go elsewhere.

My uBPD wife was raging at our daughter last night. When she left the room, my daughter said "I am so scared of her. I hate her." while crying. This is the first time she has voiced this to me. She has a right to be scares as her mother is violent. I need advice in dealing with the situation and in talking with my daughter. Keep in mind that boundaries result in violent episodes.

Thanks for your support,

5min

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[phantomglitter]

Hi there!

Coming from the daughter perspective here... .If I had had another adult in my life while my mom was being abusive towards me, here are some things I think would have helped:

Discuss with your daughter WHY her mother may be raging at her. It's possible she could be blaming herself for her mother's behaviour and taking hits to her self-worth, which can lead to long-term psychological issues. Educate her about BPD, and help her not take things that are said or done personally. For a long time I blamed myself for all my mother's problems, and truly believed that I was a terrible person who deserved the shame and pain and guilt and failure. She needs to know and believe that she is not at fault for her mother's dangerous behaviour.

Let her know that she is loved and she is worthy and enough. Encourage her. Take an interest in her interests. These things sound so basic, but it can be really hard to remember to do these little things when there's another, bigger issue causing stress and fear. She's probably so busy beating herself up on the inside that having an external person tell her what a great job she's doing at something, or to offer to help her with something that's challenging could bring up her morale.

I know that talking about the problem to the BPD is challenging (or impossible!), and you know her best. If you think you can talk to her without endangering yourself or your daughter, do it. But if you know there will be negative and harmful consequences, you could try a "sneakier" approach. It's typically used on difficult toddlers, which I work with regularly, but I've found it's also been useful with my BPD mom. Praise for when the mother does something well. It seems so counterintuitive, and we want justice for the harm that's been done to us. However, once they see that they can get positive attention from behaving appropriately they may want to repeat the behaviour. My mother, for example, had a huge episode at Christmas. She hurt me the most, but also took digs at my boyfriend of 7 years and his family. I couldn't face her for her birthday party in February, so I didn't go. She was NOT happy, but I live 6 hours away. I decided I would choose how, when and where I would interact with her. Rather than just cut her out, I decided to try the "difficult toddler" approach that I use at work. I sent her a message letting her know I was thinking of her, and brought up an old memory of something she did that made me happy. She responded well to it. I've been doing this, especially around big holidays because those seem to trigger her more than usual, and she's been reacting a lot better in difficult situations that would have triggered her previously.

Keep in mind that often when the BPD is acting out aggressively, they're often trying to defend themselves from some perceived attack. Try to seem non-threatening but not submissive in your body language. Like, you could sit down rather than stand. If possible, don't be directly in front of them, be at an angle. It sounds silly, but body language can make such a big difference. If you seem open and relaxed, that's one less possible threat for her to "fight". Ask her why she's angry, not in an invalidating way, but in trying to find a solution together. "Why are you angry right now? I want to support you, but I need to know what you need. Please tell me." Your daughter could try something similar. While remaining as calm as she can: "Mom, I'm scared. I don't know what's wrong, but I want us to figure this out together. What do you need right now?" It's unfortunate that a child may not be able to be the child in this situation  without escalating the issue, and I'm sorry she's going through this. I know it's an awful experience.

You have more power than you think to help your daughter become internally strong, and to develop her sense of self and self-esteem. It's the small, mundane, everyday things that will make the biggest difference for her. Please consider the safety of your daughter, as well as your own. The decision to stay or leave is entirely up to you, as you know best, and there are ways to deal no matter what you choose. I personally chose to keep my BPD mom in my life, and I'm spending a lot of time learning about how I can have a relationship with her. There are some things I'll never have with her, but I'm making the best of it. If it's what you want, you can do it too.

Anyway, I hope something in here was helpful. I wish you the best of luck, please keep us posted!

[5min]

Wow! Thank you for those insights. I can not talk with her mother about the situation and in any way that sheds a bad light on her. She will explode. I can and will talk with and encourage my daughter. And I'll try the toddle angle.

Thanks,

5min

[Just A Guy]

Man, I really struggle with this one too. My daughter is only 10, but is fairly mature, and extremely smart. She's also very laid-back, so she can let verbal just roll off. She handles it pretty well when my wife is raging, but I have a huge fear that resentment will grow, and she will end up in hating my wife if she doesn't understand why it's happening. Thank you, Phantwowlitter, for the perspective. And, 5min, thank you for starting this thread. How old is your daughter?

[StormySkies]

I struggle with this all the time.

The self-loathing for allowing myself to get in an situation where leaving and taking her is impossible.    Will she resent me when she's older for not protecting her better?  How can she have a happy marriage or normal healthy relationships when this mess is her example?   What sort of damage is lurking under the surface?

I do everything I can to make sure that she is never left with him alone.   I made that mistake a couple times and she suffered the burnt of his anger because of it.   Never again. 

Luckily (?),  he is pretty disinterested in her so it's easy for her to avoid him,  it's not like he will actively search her out to spend time with her.   It's like being a single parent but worse because I'm constantly  criticized for my parenting decisions but never rendering any assistance.   I described it to my mother as being a "single mom with a micro-managing supervisor" 

My husbands combat PTSD seems to have made his BPD much worse.    When I thought that it was "just PTSD" and while he was still on active duty I utilized a lot of the miltary's PTSD support, particularly on how to explain the PTSD to children and how to form safety plans with children of potentially violent vets.    So I think she (sort of) understands that that way he acts doesn't have to do with her , it's a result of what he's been through with his FOO and military time,  she can understand and empathize how horrible it must feel for him to be so out of control and angry and unhappy all the time.   And I drill into her all the time she didn't CAUSE it, can't CONTROL it , or CURE it. 

The only thing I can't really explain in a way that she can get (or me either really) is why he makes no attempt to "get better"