I want her safe so I can relax. I want her to be independent.I want this to end

[Hyacinth Bucket]

It is a bit sad what we have to go through and learn and then teach each other. So I am grateful for your experiences as they help me... .
 

It is sad, but also, so wonderful that the internet has given us all opportunities to connect in this manner. I feel like it makes some of the hellishness feel less pointless, if it can help someone else.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[please]

She texted back and just said OK to go out for tea. But she was going to study for exams so i gave her option of changing the date (I still need to see my friend for me) but she said NO it was fine... .
Oh man now I need to find a tea house (haha)


HB you are right I am grateful for the technology that helps us so much.
Thanks for your support, making it one day at a time but only with your help.
 

[MomMae]

That is great news, please! Your dd has responded well - yay!  Baby steps, that's what it is all about!    hugs, MM 

[please]

Thank you MomMae,
It was your push and idea of what to say that made me do it. I really could not put the words together. You did that for me. She did not respond to my "expectations" or boundaries, but this is a good start.

I am appreciative of your guidance, kindness and caring
Hope you are well!
xxx

[MomMae]

   How are you today, please?

[please]

HI MomMae,
Thanks for asking. I am ok really. D has not responded to my "boundaries" text but said she would go out for high tea with me and my friend.
She did yell at her dad yesterday after my text. He was just having a conversation and telling her about her pet hamster,who with us right now. Then she freaked out about him not asking her how she was doing. Well if you ask her how she is she says " I am always mad it is never a good day. I wake up mad." SO why would we ask her?

So I guess he has to set boundaries for her too and my text does not apply to her dad  . Too bad! I still have not been sleeping and saw my doctor today to get a small dose of antidepressant with sleepy side effects. So cannot wait to try that! I have not slept well I think in over 5 years.

It feels a bit wobbly at this time not knowing what tomorrow will bring with her moods as I expect her to be home tomorrow for the weekend... .

Getting through one minute at a time.
 

[MomMae]

Yes, you are right, your husband will need to establish his own boundaries with your DD. Are you and your husband able to talk effectively about what is going on with your daughter, are you on the same page?

I'm glad to hear that you went to the doctor today! I hope that the medication works for you and that it helps you sleep.  I understand what you mean about not sleeping well in years... .I can't really remember what a good night's sleep feels like anymore!

I hope tomorrow goes well when your daughter comes home.  Try to avoid doing anything out of FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and try responding with SET if you can.  It feels weird and unnatural at first, but it will help you will feel better because it kind of forces you to stay calm and rational and hopefully it will help diffuse any potential situations.  Stick with your boundaries, you're doing great!

Like you said, one minute at a time, it's all any of us can do ... .baby steps... .

Thinking of you   

[please]

So just an update.
D not responding to a text I sent this afternoon. I just asked how she was and that we are going to pick up my friend tomorrow to go for high tea.
Well no response... .
My H says not to text back and I won't. I think she is trying to punish me.

I actually am not too upset. Just want her safe. I am a bit relaxed. I guess I think I should feel guilty and feel badly that I don't really feel guilty or maybe I do?

 

[MomMae]

Hi please,

You don't have anything to feel guilty about, so I am glad (hope) that you don't (or maybe don't!) feel guilty.  That is all part of FOG (you can search it at the top of this page, I don't know how to put a link).  Not to do things out of fear, obligation, or guilt. 

That is great that you and your husband are talking about this and deciding what to do together.  I agree that it would be best to try to hold off texting back.  (but if you can't, I get it.  Like I said previously, I have been there and know that sometimes it is just overpowering to need to check... .it is so, so hard)

I think that maybe you are feeling pretty good about things because you have taken some of your control back by setting reasonable boundaries.  Very reasonable boundaries.   

Thinking of you, please.  Keep us posted.

[MomMae]

How are things going with you, please?  Is your daughter home this weekend?  Hope you are well, MM
 

[please]

Hi MomMae,
thanks for checking up on me. D home after two weeks. It has been so peaceful and normal.She tells me today that the text I sent her two weeks ago made her upset that I did not discuss in person.
I told her that I did it that way so that WE would NOT fight and that the text was less emotional
She said it upset her a lot and that she "took it out on herself"? I don't know what that means.

We she is home just for the night and has another exam the end of the week. I am dreading her being home on and off over the summer... .

Any words of advice.
And could someone coach me on what to say when she says "You are mad at me, I know it." I don't know what to say to her. I freeze up with her and then I don't say the right things. Please give me some tips just to stop the fighting.

Thanks
XXX

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

please

You don't have anything to feel guilty about, so I am glad (hope) that you don't (or maybe don't!) feel guilty.  That is all part of FOG (you can search it at the top of this page, I don't know how to put a link).  Not to do things out of fear, obligation, or guilt. 

If you've not found it here is a link to the FOG article, a discussion follows at the end. Emmotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)


 

[MomMae]

Hi please nice to hear from you! 

And could someone coach me on what to say when she says "You are mad at me, I know it." I don't know what to say to her. I freeze up with her and then I don't say the right things. Please give me some tips just to stop the fighting.

I know what you mean... .I freeze up to sometimes too!  All the good things I think of ahead of time are, *poof*, gone.  Could you say something to her like ":)o you think there is something that I would be mad at you about?"  That way she has to reflect back on her own behaviour. Just a thought... . 

  MM

[please]

Thank you MomMae,
I think that would be helpful.

Have a good day.