Silent Treatment from Boyfriend

[Rojin]

Hello all,

I found this website after extensively researching silent treatment or sulking which seems like a habit of my boyfriend. I actually shouldn't say boyfriend since we did not name our relationship. We live 6 hours apart and have been talking and texting for the past 2 years. On and off. We have met several times.

This is the second time my friend is giving me the silent treatment. The first one was 2 months ago and lasted for 2 weeks until he decided to come back. This one is 2nd and it has been a week.  He is an extremely reserved, shy, private man who lives alone. He was married for 8 years, divorced now and is 41 years old. So am I. He had a traumatic experience when he was 17. He was wrongfully accused, went to prison for a year and was tortured. What I think he has is high functioning BPD. He is not violent. I don't know if he was in the past. But when he is mad he just stops talking. What is he doing when he is giving me the silent treatment? What is he feeling?

I need help. Although we have a long distance relationship I do not want to lose him because I don't know how to act around him. I know he loves me me but I feel like he completely forgets about my existence when he is giving me the silent treatment. Even though this passive aggressive act is abusive by definition I do not feel abused. I know he can not help it and I know he is not trying to punish me or something like that. The only thing I feel is in addition to missing him terribly is despair and not knowing what he would want me to do. Can you help?

Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Rojin,

I hear ya! It can sometimes be hard to understand when behaviors cross the line into “abuse” per se. For the most part I don’t see myself as abused and carry on with life, other times, when I look back I can identify abusive behaviors and it floors me. Abuse can be very insidious and happen to anyone.

Do you think he has BPD or BPD traits? What happened before he went silent?

with compassion, pearl.

[Rojin]

Hello Pearl,

Thank you for your comment. I think he does have BPD traits. After all the research I have done, I finally came to that conclusion.

I might have pressured him into making a decision about how he feels about me and making a decision about what we are. I now reqlize how big a mistake that was. I guess you don’t do that to a BPD man, correct?

I was going to take off time from work and visit him, he did not seem too excited about seeing me. I think that made me upset and I left long confrontational voice mails for him. He just stopped talking to me. I told him I might have gone too far at the end, but still no response. I finally gave up, said ok. It has been a week now. I think I really need to know how to act. I love him and I know he has feelings for me too.

Thank you so much!

[pearlsw]

Hi again! 

We probably shouldn’t do that to anyone, but it can be hard not to when we feel a relationship is undefined or out of sync somehow. At some point ya gotta say something I think, but how/what?

Have you seen this information on silent treatment yet?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

warmly, pearl.

[Rojin]

Thank you for the link Pearl, I will read it.

I actually got my ticket and made reservations at a hotel. I will go see him in 2 weeks. If he contacts me during this time, great! If not I will call him let him know I am coming. I am not sure if he will be seeing me or not but I am willing to take the risk. Do you think this is a good idea?

[pearlsw]

Thank you for the link Pearl, I will read it.

I actually got my ticket and made reservations at a hotel. I will go see him in 2 weeks. If he contacts me during this time, great! If not I will call him let him know I am coming. I am not sure if he will be seeing me or not but I am willing to take the risk. Do you think this is a good idea?

Hi Rojin,

It sounds very risky to me to travel to see someone who might not want to see me or who isn't expecting me. Do you really want to just show up and possibly be rejected/turned away? How would you expect to be received by him?

Can we talk more about you and how you interact in relationships? What is motivating you here? What is the healthiest thing for you? What gives you the most dignity and self-respect?

Do you think this will "break" the silent treatment?

with compassion, pearl.