So she has cancer but I’m skeptical

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When we split I knew she had cancer, she had been ill with COPD so the cancer thing wasn’t a shock. She never let me go to her radio sessions and she seemed quite blasé about getting treatment, it didn’t really sit right. I asked about the type of cancer but she said she didn’t know but her PET scan confirmed it yet the docs said “it might be nothing but quite possibly not”.

It seemed weird she didn’t know the type of cancer she was having treatment on. Maybe she didn’t want to worry me? I was slightly sceptical but thought nobody could lie about something so bad and I felt bad for her. Then I read something on her FB where she said she was in hospital but she was actually at work. Someone asked her to go see them as she was in hospital too but my ex replied she can’t . This made me think it could be BS but I still feel a upset over it.

[RandallUk30]

When we split I knew she had cancer, she had been ill with COPD so the cancer thing wasn’t a shock. She never let me go to her radio sessions and she seemed quite blasé about getting treatment, it didn’t really sit right. I asked about the type of cancer but she said she didn’t know but her PET scan confirmed it yet the docs said “it might be nothing but quite possibly not”.

It seemed weird she didn’t know the type of cancer she was having treatment on. Maybe she didn’t want to worry me? I was slightly sceptical but thought nobody could lie about something so bad and I felt bad for her. Then I read something on her FB where she said she was in hospital but she was actually at work. Someone asked her to go see them as she was in hospital too but my ex replied she can’t . This made me think it could be BS but I still feel a upset over it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Randall, Do you know for a fact that she is receiving treatment for cancer?  I'm unclear from your post.    Fill us in, when you can.  As a reminder: talk is cheap, action is what counts, particularly in the case of those w/BPD.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

This made me think it could be BS but I still feel a upset over it.

Are you upset for leaving her when she was ill?

[RandallUk30]

Hey Randall, Do you know for a fact that she is receiving treatment for cancer?  I'm unclear from your post.    Fill us in, when you can.  As a reminder: talk is cheap, action is what counts, particularly in the case of those w/BPD.

LuckyJim

I don’t know 100%, she does appear to be going to hospital often but I’m unsure if it’s for radio, though she says it is. She would also say she’s going for treatment after work but then later say she was going out after work (cinema/beach etc.) and so it appears she failed to attend her treatment on some days or she lied and wasn’t going and forgot she told .

@Skip. I’m glad it’s over, I just feel a bit sorry for her if she does have a cancer.

[Skip]

@Skip. I’m glad it’s over, I just feel a bit sorry for her if she does have a cancer.

That's really hard. You are a good man to have these concerns.

[RandallUk30]

Oh I forgot to add that there is some guilt there for cutting off completely but at the same time the push and pull thing isn’t something I can tolerate

[heidikidd]

This sounds exactly what i experienced was with my ex girlfriend for 5 years. she claimed she had breast cancer twice and that it was stage 4 and she "suffered thru chemo". During our 5 years I never saw her have a follow up with an Oncologist or saw her have any kind of follow up exams. She never once had a mammogram that I know of either. Also once when I took her to the emergency room she never mentioned the cancer when they asked about her medical history.

She did however constantly keep up with pain doctors. She was always seeking treatment for " back pain " which the only time I ever saw any evidence of this back pain was when I wanted her to do something like go put flowers on my moms grave... .she couldnt handle the 90 minute drive but 3 weeks later drove 950 miles non stop to North Carolina to see " a friend"

[Makoa]

I can't say for sure that she is lying... .but as someone who has had radiation for a disorder that causes tumours (only sometimes they have cancerous cells) in my endocrine system. I can say that even someone like myself, who has a high pain/sickness tolerance... .I certainly never felt like going to the beach or cinema afterwards.

I also knew every last thing about my illness. I am not a BPD expert, but I did date a man who had it for a year and did a ton of research... .I can say from my experience with him, and other people's accounts, that if they have anything actually wrong health wise ... .they use it to gain attention. Or sympathy.

She may be going to the hospital for her COPD and is just expanding upon that, for whatever reason.

My ex would self harm, and then repeatedly have 'issues' due to unknown causes that needed more medical intervention. I have little doubt he was further hurting himself.

[RandallUk30]

My ex also seems to have a high pain tolerance and she will work through her illnesses even flu and stomach bugs. When I’ve seen her she doesn’t look too great and she’ll be complaining of pain but suddenly almost leap out of a chair. Maybe it’s the morphine. It appears she almost forgets she’s told me she’s going for treatment then later says “oh I’m going to XYZ later”.

Her radio is daily, I’m not sure if it knocks the crap out of everyone but I assumed it would after a while. My ex also makes herself sick to numb the pain and starves her self for weeks.

I guess we’ll see and thanks all!

[prof]

My uBPDstbxw is diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disease.   On a number of occasions, I heard her tell people it was cancer.

Towards the end of our relationship, I began to sense that she was exaggerating a lot of the symptoms.  She would "pass out" at times when I was very conveniently right there to catch her, or if I had left the house and she could berate me for leaving and not being there.

She claimed to be in a great deal of pain, although several doctors had told her that her particular disease did not typically cause that level of pain.  I was actually in an appointment with her pain doctor where she point-blank was told that there was no indication on any of her test results that she should be in anywhere near the level of pain that she reported.  But nevertheless, she was able to get a long-term prescription for pretty high doses of opiates.

When I made the decision to end the relationship, all of a sudden she was able to go off her pain medication and hold down a full-time job.  It was like she'd be miraculously cured... .  Or she was just BSing everyone the whole time.