depleted- how do you keep doing it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post... usually I just log on and read what y'all are going through and the support that everyone gives and find support in that but today I just can't. I feel so worn down.  We were asked to move out of our apartment at the end of March, the same month the nonprofit I was working at closed down.  The move triggered something in my uBPDh and he shut down.  I had to find somewhere to live (temporarily) and find a new job while he smoked weed 5x a day to cope with his... .things... i guess. We're crashing at a friends house for now but I am still looking for a more permanent residence and tired from starting a new job and just so exhausted that when uBPDh read my journal yesterday and started a fight with me about things I wrote to myself for myself I couldn't be removed.  I defended myself.  I explained myself.  I tried to get him to see things from my point of view... .so obviously it blew up.  I hate that those basic things are wrong.  I'm tired of being wrong.  I'm tired of everything about me being wrong. I'm tired of listening to him say ___ty things about me when he's angry and not being able to defend myself. I know I need to do so many things - even just writing this I can see them - to set boundaries and not throw JADE and blah blah blah but im just tired. im so so so tired of having to do it all and I don't know how to ask him to do it with me bc it feels like every effort to try to get him to is just that - an effort.  it takes so much effort.  How do you do it?

[upissideways1]

This is my first post... usually I just log on and read what y'all are going through and the support that everyone gives and find support in that but today I just can't. I feel so worn down.  We were asked to move out of our apartment at the end of March, the same month the nonprofit I was working at closed down.  The move triggered something in my uBPDh and he shut down.  I had to find somewhere to live (temporarily) and find a new job while he smoked weed 5x a day to cope with his... .things... i guess. We're crashing at a friends house for now but I am still looking for a more permanent residence and tired from starting a new job and just so exhausted that when uBPDh read my journal yesterday and started a fight with me about things I wrote to myself for myself I couldn't be removed.  I defended myself.  I explained myself.  I tried to get him to see things from my point of view... .so obviously it blew up.  I hate that those basic things are wrong.  I'm tired of being wrong.  I'm tired of everything about me being wrong. I'm tired of listening to him say ___ty things about me when he's angry and not being able to defend myself. I know I need to do so many things - even just writing this I can see them - to set boundaries and not throw JADE and blah blah blah but im just tired. im so so so tired of having to do it all and I don't know how to ask him to do it with me bc it feels like every effort to try to get him to is just that - an effort.  it takes so much effort.  How do you do it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

i'm so glad that you shared with us. Welcome. You have quite a lot going on! I can see why it feels like you are carrying the weight of the world and it doesn't help that your pwBPD read through your journal. My H did that once and I felt really violated. I've never kept a journal since.

Try not to beat yourself up for JADEing too much. It happens. Can you do something for yourself to help you take a little breather? Just something for stress relief? Or even to just sit somewhere and cry. With so much going on, self care if important.

[StormySkies]

Hi - I'm new here too.   Your thread really jumped out at me - a few weeks ago I stopped by my daughters after school program and they were in the middle of doing some self affirmation exercise where everyone had to describe themselves in one  word... .my daughter said "Mommy come play with us" and when my turn came instead saying "trustworthy" or "good listener" like I planned I bleated out the word "depleted".    The other adults just laughed thinking I meant it had been a trying day for me ... .but honestly,  that word sums up how I feel the majority of the time... .

[Radcliff]

upissideways1,

I'm so happy you decided to post!  I didn't start posting regularly until six months after I registered, and I didn't know what I was missing.  The support I got by posting has made a huge difference in my life.

Can you help me with a detail?  Was it last March, in 2017, that you had to move out?  Have you been staying with your friends for 11.5 months?

WW

[NGU]

it takes so much effort.  How do you do it?

I'm sure people will add links on how to deal with it. I'm in the middle of Stop Walking on Eggshells, but haven't gotten to the "How to Handle It" section. But it's there. And if that section is as good as what I've read so far, then it will definitely help.

Beyond the concepts you can read from professionals on how to cope/manage, I'd like to add something out that has helped me a lot:

Lists. I have three main lists that keep me focused and help me retain a good perspective.

1. Life Goals.  
2. Life Priorities. I put her first because that's truly what I want. Realizing that helped immensely.  
3. Daily Goals. This is in addition to the mandatory daily domestic stuff like sweeping, making breakfast, bringing in firewood, etc.

Life Goals
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Remember the perspective that's not your own.
Don't worry about problems that are out of your control.
Think about tomorrow but don’t forget about today
Keep moving

Life Priorities
Her and Her Happiness
Our Health and Safety
Food
House
Me

Daily Goals
Cook something
Clean something
Fix or create something
Do anything that tames the paper pile
Try to make someone’s life a little better

The bonus is that even if I mentally check out for the day and need to go on autopilot... .even if the more logical part of my brain insists I'm failing because I'm not all there... .I know deep down I'm still being a good spouse. (I've been on autopilot for two weeks now; I think about these lists a lot.)

-ngu


[Edit: grammar]

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear upissideways-

I'm sorry you're feeling so spent.  But believe it or not, you don't have to do everything NOW.  I know it feels like you do, but nope. 

You are completely entitled to your feelings, ALL of them, whenever you feel them.  In my heart of hearts, I don't believe we ever have to justify our feelings as right or wrong.  My ex-husband used to TELL me how to feel every chance he got.  As for your H crossing the boundary of reading your journal, he did that at his own risk.  If he does that again, please do your best to try using some validation tools, ("I can see how reading that might upset you" but state that you did feel that way in the moment those words were written.  Period.  Those thoughts were between you and you.

Journaling can be one of the most therapeutic things when we're living in emotional turmoil.  If you don't have a password protected computer or iPad that's backed up for your own permanent record of your thoughts, then post your thoughts here.  If you don't want any responses, you can state that you just need a safe space to write.  Is that possible for you?

Also through using some of the communication tools found on the right side of this page, perhaps you can get your BPDh to become more motivated to participate in life with you.  "Let's go find a new place together and then go on a date and grab a snack!"  Yea... .sometimes we have to "act" a little to get some help.  And this way you may get some buy-in BEFORE you rent a place instead of pushback AFTER you select a place on your own.  If he participates in the decision, he's part of the process, and your caretaking lessens a bit.

And lists are good.  But it sounds like you're at day to day, or month to month right now, so maybe keep it simple.  Visualize a small chest of drawers for example with four drawers, one for each week of the month.  In each drawer there are seven small compartments for each day.  List what needs to be done each day, and really consider what BPDh can do to help.

You're just learning, and he is your partner.  The more you do FOR him (meaning FOR the marriage), the less he'll step to the plate.  Kindly let him know how capable you know he is, and that doing these things together, sharing the list by dividing and conquering, will free up time for relaxing activities.

You don't want to be his mom, you want to be his lover... .

Does your H have a job?  What is he bringing to the relationship?  Can you tell a bit more about the dynamics of the marriage?  How long you've been married?  Is he seeing a T?

My friend, I know your hands are way too full.  I am so glad you have friends providing an interim place for you to stay.  I hope you continue to maintain a support network for yourself.  It it VERY important that you NOT allow yourself to become isolated. 

Please find a way to practice self-care.  Take a walk when you can just to feel your body move, listen to music to shut out the other noise for a bit, etc.

It's a process, but you CAN do this and bring color back into your life.  You have so much more strength than you ever knew.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[upissideways1]

Thank you to all of you, always.  Your encouragement has helped immensley.  Lists and self care are so necessary but they always seem to slip away when things get too full.  I know I love him.  I know that what is best for us is best for me is best for him etc etc but, as im sure you all know, sometimes I just need help.  Maybe I need to think of it as Taking care of ME is taking care of us is taking care of him... .I guess I need to take care of myself by taking care of myself sometimes, eh?

We managed to put things back together and have been enjoying the new space (mostly) until he told me he was going to help a friend move and I lost it.  Hahah honestly, its kind of funny.  He has no idea that I feel like I moved us TWICE on my own and has no idea why him going to help someone else move would have me furious to the point of tears. 

My H does have a job, sort of.  Somehow he managed to find a job where he literally doesnt have to go and he still gets paid.  Its a small amount by an americore program, which actually drive me nuts! Because he should be going and helping the people he is meant to help!  But he only goes to the school hes supposed to be providing suppport for to substitute teach (aka make more money but still not provide the service he's meant to be doing).   Actually, as I'm typing this I can see that there are a lot of things that I need to talk to him about.  I need to get better at finding ways to bring things up.  I heard some advice on a podcast the other day that I keep telling myself - If you're living in a house of cards, tiptoeing around in your everyday life so it doesn't fall down, stop.  Let the house of cards fall. Build a new house. Noone should live in a house of cards.

@Gemsforeyes it was so funny that you said to take a walk because I did it - accidentally, I had to get somewhere- and the freedom I found in it was incredible.  You are also right that front end engagement is something I am terrible at and need to get in front of.  Its still a little parent-y () but I think youre right that the more I do for him, the more he will think that I think he can't do it.  Sometimes I do think he can't do it.  But I also know that he can. I think I just sort of assumed that if he saw me doing something, he would do it too. That is how my brain works, I watch people to learn what they like. That is clearly not the case for him in this situation.

And thank you for asking what he brings to the relationship.  The to-dos and all that are not all there is in this world!  He brings magic and sunshine to the world and to me.  He has a beauty inside that is so bright when it shines through and isn't clouded over with doubts and guilt and fear and shame.

We've only been married for a little over a year and I can't decide how much of this is normal growing pains and adjusting to sharing a life together vs BPD/codependency stuff.  Things seem to be getting better but there is still so much to figure out! 

One love.

[Radcliff]

And thank you for asking what he brings to the relationship.  The to-dos and all that are not all there is in this world!  He brings magic and sunshine to the world and to me.  He has a beauty inside that is so bright when it shines through

I like that quote!  Thanks for sharing your positivity!

Have you heard of the DEARMAN technique?  It's a lot to remember, but it came to mind when you said you had a lot to talk to your husband about.  Does it look like something that could be useful to you?  I find it a bit complicated, but it's a good thing to work at.  When I'm dealing with a tough topic, the simple thing I can always remember is to pile on the validation.

What situation or issue with your husband would you most like to see progress on?

WW