BPD mother breaks NC with cold, insulting email regarding end-of-life matters

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi all,

A friend directed me to this message board. I am an adult with a borderline mother from whom I've intermittently been estranged from throughout my life- either by my doing for self preservation, or by being cut off or dismissed by her.
Most recently we have not spoken in over 2 years. I just recently received a very cold and insulting email lacking even a cordial greeting asking if a) I would be "interested in" being her healthcare advocate and b) do I "want to" clean out her house when she dies.
Of course there are volumes of subtext in that email. I admit I find myself feeling enraged and wanting to list every single reason why I wouldn't consider either and feeling like there are just no words left.
I'll leave it there for my intro. Thanks for reading.
 

[Harri]

Hi Harvest_Moon and welcome to the site.

Well, that certainly is an interesting message to get after two years of no communication.  I understand that you feel very emotional about this.  I think anyone would be. 

Was this period of NC (no contact) initiated by you?  Is it the subtext within the email that most bothers you?  Or is it something(s) else?  Can I ask how old your mother is?  Do you think her request is because of an immediate health issue or could she be planning for the future?

Sorry to ask so many questions.  No need to answer.  Just trying to get a better feel for your situation.  You can always post what you would want to say to her without actually sending her anything.  Sometimes that can help you sort out and manage your very understandable feelings.

I'm glad you found us.  We can support and listen you as you try to navigate your way through this.  Welcome!

[zachira]

I too have a mother who has BPD. There are really no words or names of emotions to describe the feelings that come up when your mother with BPD shows no ability to connect with you, has zero empathy, and out of the blue hits you in the stomach with some of her convoluted attempts at communication. All these convoluted messages are the only way she will even know how to communicate, and it so sad and distressing. My latest frustration with my mother is she called to tell me my wonderful caring aunt died, and mom acted like she was talking about the neighbor's cat passing away. We will always grieve for the love we cannot get from our mothers, and with time the pain gets easier to deal with, though we are never completely recovered from having a mother that did not know how to love us. I find this board to be a wonderful source of support and strength, especially since most family and friends do not understand what it is like to have a borderline mother, and think what we are feeling makes no sense at all, since they are not the child of a borderline parent. Take care, post anytime when you want us to listen and support you, and let us know how we can help you to feel better and get through the latest painful events.

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi and thank you for your response. I haven't worked out using the site yet, so hopefully this appears in response to your post.

As for the most recent no contact, it's not so simple. My son and I had a typical and terrible yearly visit to see my mother, but the last time was really over the top- even for her. She is not a drinker, but got wildly drunk at a restaurant and insisted she drive us back to her place. We refused and she mocked us and sped away leaving us worried, in the dark with no way to get back, in an unfamiliar place. She made my grown son cry.

After trying to decompress a little, we took a cab back and tiptoed around her and counted the seconds until our flight back home. I vowed I would never put either of us in that position again and haven't. I decided I would decrease contact to once a month and on holidays by phone only. I could hear the edge in her voice when I would call. The day after Christmas I received a long, scathing email from her full of false accusations, etc. and how I wronged her during our last visit. Again, I thought of all the things I wanted to write to correct the injustices. Instead I wrote back, "Please, just stop already."

What I got in response was that she was shocked and I was uncaring, but I needn't worry because I would never hear from her again. I felt extreme disappointment and relief, both. And I didn't hear from her until I got a late birthday card from her signed only, "Your Mother". There has been no other contact until her latest email, which of course, brought up a lot of questions for me.

I have responded to it by asking very specific questions only, and ignoring her barbs. One email was particularly hurtful and I took a week to respond. On Easter, before I could bring myself to respond without wanting to destroy her with words,  I received an email saying it's obvious I am not interested and she was "releasing me" of any obligation, and that we had both learned something important (that I am an ungrateful and uncaring child). She is 80, sharp as a tack and NOT sick. Apparently this arose because her bf recently died.

I should add that after talking with my therapist and a trusted family member, I wrote her again, ignoring her drama and barbs and said I would be willing to help her with both, but I would need, in a nutshell, healthcare documents and her updated will, which now apparently includes my sister who has been estranged from both sides of my family for almost 30 years for transparency. I have not heard from her since.

Again, thanks for reading.

[Harvest_Moon]

Thank you for that, Zachira.

[Harri]

Hi again.   

Well, I can see what you mean when you say the NC situation is not that simple.
 

I have responded to it by asking very specific questions only, and ignoring her barbs. One email was particularly hurtful and I took a week to respond. On Easter, before I could bring myself to respond without wanting to destroy her with words,  I received an email saying it's obvious I am not interested and she was "releasing me" of any obligation, and that we had both learned something important (that I am an ungrateful and uncaring child). She is 80, sharp as a tack and NOT sick. Apparently this arose because her bf recently died.

It was very smart of you to wait before you responded and unfortunate that she reacted the way she did. 

Were you able to come to a decision as to how involved you wanted to be?  Are you able to separate yourself from her words (the part I highlighted above)?  Do you know what you want to do now?

[isilme]

Harvest Moon,

Ugh - I am living in dread of similar requests coming soon.  I am NC for many years with both my parents, both are toxic, both are BPD/bipolar/manic depressive and dad is a full-on sociopath.

They are both in their late 70s now, and Mom has never 100% let go, I fear, of putting me back in the caretaking role I was thrust into as a child - as mandated by dad, I was to be there, at home, everyday, anytime school was not in session, to "take care of mommy," who really really liked her pain meds and would face plant in the yard, fall down stairs, etc.  She killed some stop signs with the minivan, too (Their solution was not rehab.  It was to teach me to drive at 11 so I could grab the wheel).   This started in earnest about age 7, but it was fizzy and only depended on how tall/strong I was, not my actual age or capacity for the duty. 

During her divorce from dad, I was prevented by dad from contact with her.  It was a mixed blessing, as it left me in his total care and power, and the sudden separation after years of enmeshment hurt nd was confusing, but all in all was a good thing for me as it got her out of my head.

When we reconnected in my 20s, she was shocked I did not want to drop college, my BF, and the life I'd been building (dad had kicked me out at 19) to move back in with her in another town and take care of her again.

She manufactured crises to try to get me to do just that, and by the time I was in my 30s it was enough - NC since then.  Dad, NC since he kicked me out. 

I am waiting for the "your mother/father is on their deathbed, will you go see them one last time" call. 

Kudos to you for being able to wait until you could respond dispassionately.  I found that was the only way I could ever interact with my mother - cold, unemotional, bland.  I will say that unless there are any family relics that are near and dear to you, if you really want, you might just leave it all to your sister.  Question - is she possible estranged BECAUSE of how your mother is?  She is just like me, totally NC for her own well being? 

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi Isilme,

Thank you for sharing a bit of your life with me. I'm finding it both overwhelming and affirming to read the posts here. I'm sorry for all of us who have suffered from this particular abuse and am hopeful reading the stories, too.
Some background before I answer your questions: My parents divorced when I was very young. My father is a whole other story of dysfunction and I limit my contact, but he was/is far warmer and loving as a parent overall.
My mother was not needy other than to feed her narcissism. She was cold and mean and blaming towards everyone else, as she remained guiltless. I'm sure it was hard for her to contact me (the all bad child)- though she did it with coldness and trying to guilt me- "I gave birth to you... ." (she is classic). But she really doesn't have anyone.
So, my sister is (was?) beautiful and also brilliant- she tested borderline genius when in school, but she always had extreme highs and lows and I learned only about 4 years ago that my mother KNEW she was "a cutter" when she was younger, though said she didn't know what to do about it... .Um... .My mother is bright, too, so I find this unacceptable.
My sister was later married and she and her husband had immediate relationship issues and divorced. During their time together, she was hospitalized for the first time ever- 3 times that I am aware of- for psychiatric reasons.  During this time, my mother didn't contact her, but my father did and he also put her up in one of his apartments and tried to help her heal. Over a year later, he offered her a very pt job and because she felt pressured, literally moved out in the middle of the night. Since then, she has had no contact with any of our family until she wrote an incoherent message to one relative a few years ago. Our relative was kind and welcoming, but never heard from her again. In 2016, my sister sent me a FB friend request the day before her birthday. I wrote her back wishing her a happy birthday, but haven't heard from her since and she has deleted her account or blocked me.
Interestingly, she has remained the all good child for my mother all of these years. After NC for decades, my sister started sending my mother incoherent emails, too, along with harsh allegations... .and my mother clung to every word. My sister also revealed she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. It is also interesting that after my mother heard from her, she removed all the pictures of our family from the walls and left only a photo of her dog and my sister hanging. I saw this when I last visited.
Being estranged from my sister, my mother made a will after my (beloved) stepfather died and left everything to me. In this recent contact, I learned she has split everything btw my sister and me.
My mother knows my sister is likely unable (and unwilling? I honestly don't know her... .) to help her with her end of life needs, and she also knows I am very able (and possibly willing) to help... .But it's different this time for me. I'm learning how to communicate in a way that doesn't sacrifice who I am and what I need as much... .It's a work in progress, though.
I'm pretty sure my sister's NC was in part to escape my mother, but it doesn't fully explain the NC... .it was both sides of our family and everyone- we have/ had some wonderful people in our family, some of them who worked hard to reach her over the years.
As for my mother's things, there are some things I would like, though I'm sure if I specifically identified them they would disappear. I acknowledged that loss at the point of this last NC. Really, they are just things. What I've always wanted from her is something I can never have- her unconditional love. That's the hard one.

[isilme]

What I've always wanted from her is something I can never have- her unconditional love. That's the hard one.

 I understand.  When she was last evicted and in jail at the same time for her charges of theft by check and shoplifting (repeat charges), my then boyfriend-now-husband's parents came up from an hour south of me to drive yet another hour north, to try to salvage items in her apartment before they were auctioned off by the landlord to pay her back-rent.  They stayed with me pretty much till dawn, trying to save the family Bibles that go back at least 100 years, photos, her jewelry, and even what furniture H's mom could cram into her mini van.  Plus her two cats.  My mom has always loved family history items, and now that she is pretty much the last person in the family alive, plus me and two cousins I don't really know, I'd thought she'd be happy we saved them.

Nope.  she accused me of trying to steal them, came by and got them all (we'd gotten the cats adopted since she no longer had a place to live and was being very erratic), which I handed over with no reservation, and she jumped probation and left the state.  I have not seen her face to face since, and that was pre-2009. 

Anyway, I see it as I have no mom.  There is a lady who was nice-ish when I was very small, and could be okay at times and sometimes took care of me, but the roles switched and never reverted back to parent-child in the appropriate manner.  She loved me in her fashion, as she loved her things.  But not as a person.  She is now 74, still several states away, and I come here to post now and then about what I should do when that final call comes.  Sigh. 

I can only say that only be involved as much as your mental health and well-being can allow.  If it's just opening you up for more abuse, strong guidelines need to be established about what "taking care" of your mom and her estate entails.  Really want to piss her off?  Try to get a Power of Attorney.  I tried that once. 

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi-
So chaotic! I'm so sorry! I understand the dread... .  It seems as though you have created strong boundaries, though, and understandably. And thank you for the great advice!

[zachira]

"What I've always wanted from her is something I can never have- her unconditional love. That's the hard one."
This is probably the most painful part. Our parents are the only people who can give us unconditional love in life. When we don't get that, it is a pain that can lessen with time yet the heartbreak really never goes away. It can be healing to give that unconditional love to our own children, grandchildren, and children that are not getting unconditional love from their parents.

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi,

So, I took the time to put the emotional piece aside and below is the email I sent to my BPD mother and her response. I should point out since she has broken nc, she has not greeted me in a cordial way or failed to insult me in some way. (I believe I explained this already- as if I'm stupid... .Clearly not sufficiently!)
I've been sitting with this trying to first make sense of her email and then how I feel about it. I want to be able to sleep at night with my decision whatever I choose.
 


"Hi Mom,

 I am willing to work with you on both of your requests, but I need more information and clarification.
 I am still not 100% clear about the role of a healthcare advocate compared to having a healthcare proxy. Are there documents required? Are they completed? I will need copies of whatever documents assign me to this role.
 Most importantly, what are your wishes regarding your healthcare and end of life care? There are many possible variables, so being as specific (as possible)and writing them down is important and necessary.
 As far as cleaning out your dwelling-  so we are on the same page and for transparency and access purposes, I will need a copy of your current will, a key and the name, address and phone number of your attorney.
Let me know how you would like to proceed."


"I haven't written back because I am not sure about anything other than cleaning out my house after I die.  I will not be sending you a copy of my will.  As I said you will be entitled to everything in my house if you do the removal.  There is a place not far from here for used furniture, a consignment shop called ___________ and goodwill down the road aside of Walmart .  As far as health advocate I believe that I explained this already.  It is a part of a paper I fill out for my doctor prior to procedures or surgery.  It is simply giving them someone to call in case it is needed.  PERIOD    I also have someone here that would be willing to do that however I am not sure what I want.  There is also a Living Will that gives instruction regarding my health issues that is just for family, doctors, that appoints no one in particular but is just my wishes.  and a durable power of attorney to someone should I become incapacitated.  That person handles all my affairs."

And this morning I received another email which is below. I should mention my sister has been estranged from the entire family for 27 years and has now become co-inheritor of her home which was initially left to me and my disabled son.
As a parent myself, I just cannot fathom ever deliberately being so hurtful, spiteful, mean to my son. It seriously hurts knowing she is doing this deliberately- to really hurt me and worse, through me, my son... .who is completely unaware of the broken nc. He does not need to go on her roller coaster ride with me.  Anyway, from this morning:

"How you would feel if a asked you to give one thing from my house to ______ that is my car.  I don't know what the future brings.  Please get back to me with your thoughts about what I sent you a few days ago.  No pressure whenever you can."

Thoughts re: how to get through this? I know I/we will receive nothing (financial blackmail) if I choose not to help her. Which will be a significant loss.
A part of me already resigned myself to that loss with this last nc. And a part of me wants to tell her exactly how I feel and have suffered and make this a final nc.
The main part of me wants to be able to sleep at night with whatever I decide.