Struggling to Find Inner Peace

[Struggler123]

Just like most of the people here, the signs of BPD are always right in front of us but we fail to see them, or hope that it would get better.
The following signs were spotted in my story:
1)Feelings of Emptiness and lonliness
2)Gets bored very easily
3)Needs Constant Attention 24/7
4)Impulsive calling 10-15x
5)Getting upset, if I don't watch a movie with her
6)Having to watch everything I say
7)Need to move in together and get married within first 6 months.
8)Threats of Suicide

Well, long story short, I was seeing this girl for about 2 years on and off. Initially, it was amazing and the best time ever. I never thought someone could give me so much attention and the honesty was something I longed for. Considering I've never been in a relationship before, this was the first. Then there came the turmoil, the breaking up and then getting back together. I promised myself that if she broke up with me again that it was it. So she did it, one more time, and considering it was long distance at the time, I got tired and frustrated so I let it go. I went No Contact for 2 months. She traveled all the way to come see me after 2 months, and that made me melt.  It was the best 3 weeks I had hanging out with her. Then came the part of her constantly need to get married and/or put a ring on it. At this point, I kept feeling something wasn't right, so I started having my guard up and eventually she asked me for a commitment in someway, and I said I need time to have my life in order and I can't because I can't provide for you right now. She initially understood, and then it came back again eventually I told her that we should take it one step at a time. 2 Days before I had to leave, she told me if I was okay with her having an arrange marriage. I felt like I was no one to stop her so I said yes, if he can keep you happy. Now shes about to get married in 2 months, and shes still trying to be friends with me, at which point I just don't understand the need, its clear that shes with someone else now, and he should be taking care of her needs. But yet she still tells me that i'm the one for her and this is just a chore that shes doing, and he means nothing to her. And its just weird, because one moment she tells me shes happy with him and the next she tells me things like this to keep me around.The point of the story is, Did I do the right thing? Why do I feel like I messed up? and Is this no contact the right thing, considering she still calls me 1-2x daily. Was she really a BPD, or could she have changed?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome!

 
You are in the right place.

Here is help,hope, and healing!

I would listen to what people w experience say, continue to read here, post here, everything you are experiencing, most likely someone here has had the same thing happen, or very close.

My situation is b/f 10 yrs living together, separated march last yr, he is seeing someone, as of October last year. 

Him and i have a connection. 

I had asked for space, that is why he left.

It's about learning for me.  I didn't have any tools.

I knew about his dxBPD, and it didn't seem that bad, or else I was in denial?

When we lived apart, what really got me was my codependency showed up huge.  Then in October, I found this site, thankfully.

It's about patience, kindness to myself, self care,

You are in the right place,

Sincerely,  juju

[Struggler123]

@juju

I can't seem to understand, why I feel like this, a part of me tells me that I am better off but a part of me tells me that i'm making a mistake.

Even now, its been like 4 days no contact, now she messages me saying shes gonna break up with him. I don't understand any of this at all, it makes no sense to me. It makes it seem like if she can do that to him, she can do it to me.

[juju2]

Hi

Learning the tools, I learned here, feelings=facts for them... .  that's a huge thing to learn!

I think if you want to pursue a relationship w her, learning the tools here will help tremendously.

The other thing I learned is BPD is a serious mental illness.

That helps me understand.

I am a student here, am learning every single day on this site.

The community got me thru some dark days.

Hang in there, pause, pause some more, do something kind for yourself... .yeah, I learned I have to take excellent self care here

You are going to be o.k.

juju

[randomuser94]

I've been trough a similar relation
-constant attention?check
-impulsive calling?check(got fired from 2 jobs because of it)
-Having to watch everything I say? I was in a constant fear that she will break-up with me if I say something wrong
-getting upset if i don't agree with her?check
-Need to move in together and get married? ->I move in after few days of relationship to stop her from breaking-up with me every day that i went to college and i did asked her to be my wife after 2 years. She cheated on me right after I've asked her.

 The moment I've asked her to be my wife( " her biggest wish", she cheated  on me and then asked me to remain friends with benefits. Sadly no single partner is truly able to fully provide for her needs. She will either marry that guy and cheat him with you or vice-versa.
  She feels happy when she tells you she's happy with him and she is unhappy when she tells you so. As others prev said- Feelings=Facts. They basically live in the moment without thinking about consequences.
  When she tells you that "you are the one" she feels like it. The problem is that 5min later she can change her mind and completely hate you and feel nothing towards you.
  My ex told me that I'm the love of her life, cried on her knees telling me this but at the end of the day she was going banging another guy. They don't simply change, they will never change. It takes years of treatment and there's no other way.

  Now back to your question. It's not a No Contact since she calls you.

[Struggler123]

I've been trough a similar relation
-constant attention?check
-impulsive calling?check(got fired from 2 jobs because of it)
-Having to watch everything I say? I was in a constant fear that she will break-up with me if I say something wrong
-getting upset if i don't agree with her?check
-Need to move in together and get married? ->I move in after few days of relationship to stop her from breaking-up with me every day that i went to college and i did asked her to be my wife after 2 years. She cheated on me right after I've asked her.

 The moment I've asked her to be my wife( " her biggest wish", she cheated  on me and then asked me to remain friends with benefits. Sadly no single partner is truly able to fully provide for her needs. She will either marry that guy and cheat him with you or vice-versa.
  She feels happy when she tells you she's happy with him and she is unhappy when she tells you so. As others prev said- Feelings=Facts. They basically live in the moment without thinking about consequences.
  When she tells you that "you are the one" she feels like it. The problem is that 5min later she can change her mind and completely hate you and feel nothing towards you.
  My ex told me that I'm the love of her life, cried on her knees telling me this but at the end of the day she was going banging another guy. They don't simply change, they will never change. It takes years of treatment and there's no other way.

  Now back to your question. It's not a No Contact since she calls you.

I am really sorry to hear that, in my case she tried really hard to convince me to marry her, but I just wasn't ready, I felt that I needed be accomplished in life, and theres times I still feel I am not where I want to be. The sad part is her words echo in my ears, and sometimes makes me feel like it was my fault. Even now, I just emailed her and told her I'm done with all this, and I don't want to be second option just so you can throw me away whenever you want to. She's so keen on being friends, and I just can't do it. The worst thing is when I said I think you should be with your special someone and let me find my special someone, she got offended and said, you wanted this to happen so you could be with someone else. It just all seems like a blur. I apologize for the rant, but I'm still trying to understand all of this.

[waverider]

The sad part is her words echo in my ears, and sometimes makes me feel like it was my fault.

This is the essence of BPD influence...

It needs to be your voice echoing in your mind that helps you make a decision. A person with BPD is very good at projecting their own version of reality into someone else's head.  To have a successful relationship with a person with BPD you have to be well guarded against this.

[ClingToHope]

@juju

I can't seem to understand, why I feel like this, a part of me tells me that I am better off but a part of me tells me that i'm making a mistake.

Even now, its been like 4 days no contact, now she messages me saying shes gonna break up with him. I don't understand any of this at all, it makes no sense to me. It makes it seem like if she can do that to him, she can do it to me.

Hello and welcome.
It’s a bit drastic to the fishing my uBPDh does but it sounds like she’s fishing (least that’s what I call it.
She is wanting you to claim her or go after her.
She’s done an outrageous thing to get a reaction from you. No diff that some of the outrages things they say.

I could be way off but I know my H will throw stuff out usually starting with a “fine do this or that” obviously my opinion doesn’t matter.
Before I’d say ok and go on my way. Now I validate his feelings and try to look past the words or actions to the emotions. I try to decide if it’s coming only from hurt and frustration (usually I won’t do it if it hurts him ) which means I need to validate and figure out what the hurt is or is it him reluctantly agreeing cause he knows he has to but isn’t gonna he an adult about it and the. I have to validate again about house he’s being a good adult. Sigh.

It’s a tough one.
Guess you need to soul search and decide if you want he r in your life of not.
If you do say so. I Think that’s what she’s wanting to hear but can’t outright ask fearing rejection.
If you don’t want her in your life say that too. Try to give her a bit of closure if she able to do that
Best of luck CTH

[Struggler123]

Hello and welcome.
It’s a bit drastic to the fishing my uBPDh does but it sounds like she’s fishing (least that’s what I call it.
She is wanting you to claim her or go after her.
She’s done an outrageous thing to get a reaction from you. No diff that some of the outrages things they say.

I could be way off but I know my H will throw stuff out usually starting with a “fine do this or that” obviously my opinion doesn’t matter.
Before I’d say ok and go on my way. Now I validate his feelings and try to look past the words or actions to the emotions. I try to decide if it’s coming only from hurt and frustration (usually I won’t do it if it hurts him ) which means I need to validate and figure out what the hurt is or is it him reluctantly agreeing cause he knows he has to but isn’t gonna he an adult about it and the. I have to validate again about house he’s being a good adult. Sigh.

It’s a tough one.
Guess you need to soul search and decide if you want he r in your life of not.
If you do say so. I Think that’s what she’s wanting to hear but can’t outright ask fearing rejection.
If you don’t want her in your life say that too. Try to give her a bit of closure if she able to do that
Best of luck CTH

I think the problem is I am not trying to be friends with her considering feelings are still involved, and I am not ready for a big step as marriage, so ultimately just being in between is unfair I suppose. It's just hard to not have any boundaries and just wish things didnt have to be done on her terms. I understand their is family pressures e.tc., but no one is forced into marriage. Her saying yes to this guy clearly indicates she herself wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

[randomuser94]

 Her saying yes to this guy clearly indicates she herself wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

  Don't be so sure about this. The thing is that at one moment she thought that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. You need to understand that someone with BPD does not think the way you do. They focus on the feelings for that respective moment. She thought at a certain moment that she wants to marry him.

[Struggler123]

  Don't be so sure about this. The thing is that at one moment she thought that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. You need to understand that someone with BPD does not think the way you do. They focus on the feelings for that respective moment. She thought at a certain moment that she wants to marry him.

I think i'm just trying to find out whether all of this is worth it at the end, because I feel like I could donate one of my kidneys, and she would be like wheres the other kidney? and that kind of scares me.

[randomuser94]

I think i'm just trying to find out whether all of this is worth it at the end, because I feel like I could donate one of my kidneys, and she would be like wheres the other kidney? and that kind of scares me.

The right expectation would be for you to donate a kidney and be prepared to be dumped all of a sudden, without a reason and her acting like you were some kind of monster.

[Struggler123]

The right expectation would be for you to donate a kidney and be prepared to be dumped all of a sudden, without a reason and her acting like you were some kind of monster.

That's the hard reality about it, I just still can't seem to make sense of any of it. Some days I feel like im ready for anything and some days I really feel like I had something special with her. Sometimes I even wonder whether closing all the doors was the right thing to do, and what I would do if she ever came back (Which I doubt, since she was the one that told me shes happy with him and that we can only be friends.)