My wife uses my son as a weapon

[LovingDad]

Hi everyone,

This is my second post. Since about a month a know my wife has BPD. My therapist and I (with everything I read about it), are bussy changing my behavior towards my wife. This resulted in two escalation, after child services decides beginning last week that they close our case. My sons devolpment isn't threatend enough by the situation. I have difficulties accepting this decision. What happend with preventive help? I don't live with my wife anymore for over six months.

After our last escaltion I went to my friends place where I stay now. Two days I only saw my son by videochat once a day. Last sunday we would go on a outing. She cancelt it because she didn't want to see me after my provocative behavior of last thursday. I came with a reasonable solution for that day, that I would go play with him outside for an hour and then bring him back. She didn't respond to this and she didn't answer the phone when I called.

It is now thuesday and according to our schedule I'm bringing hem to bed tonight and will be eating with them, but I also feel that I'm scared for this. She can still text me that I can't come, but if I can she probably wants to talk (with her mother present who also had BPD) with me. I'm not strong enough yet to handle them both and she has already threathend last week to cut back my time with my son. She will probably threaten with that again, if things go wrong, and she looks willing to execute it too.

What is the best way to deal with this? (In four hours I will have to be there)

Thanks for the help.

LovingDad

[Mutt]

Hi LovingDad,

It’s very difficult to comparent when your ex suffers from BPD as you and your T probably already know a pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection it doesn’t matter if the pwBPD is the one that left feelings equals facts to a pwBPD there is going to be a period where there’s a lot of lashing out.

I wonder if you have a verbal agreement? Depending on how she feels she might change things on you at the very last minute it’s unmanageable to have a schedule when things change at a whim the bottom line is that it affects your son.

Do you have a court order?

[NGU]

Hi LovingDad.

From reading your first post, you started your relationship together seven years ago. Your son is 4 1/2 years old. And in the past year, you’ve gotten married, the problems started, and you found out she has BPD. You’ve been living apart for about six months.

Obviously, the big question is… how did it go today?

Also, would you mind explaining your provocative behavior from last week that you just talked about? I did see from your first post that things had escalated, and that one of the events was tied to a bedtime story.

I know this has been really difficult for you. Hopefully being here will help you learn how to handle their moods.

Please let us know how things are going.

-ngu

[Harri]

Hi LovingDad.

In your last post you mentioned you had to go there in 4 hours.  We are past that I think so I am wondering how things went?

Post with an update when you can.

[LovingDad]

Hi people,

Things went better than expected. There was a lot of tension, but there didn't came an escalation.

I went there to eat and bring my son to bed. When I was there my wife and son where getting a meal. I didn't get anything. I didn't react to that, but we could all see that my son got sad. So my son asked if he could share the icecream as desert with me. They couldn't say nog to that, so I got some icecream.

My son had some kind of rash on his face which was itching. So when it was time to bring him to bed he wanted my wife to be there to. I was a bit sad about that, because I wanted some time alone with him, but I understood it too. So we did it together and that went pretty well. I could read him a bedtime story, about a lion he really likes. When he was almost sleeping I heard a conversation on the Phone of my stepmother. I heard she and my wife felt bad about what they did with the meal. I was glad to hear that.

When my son slept I could go home to my friend without any trouble. At that point it felt as a relieve.

This morning I was there again to bring my son to school. According to my wife he didn't listen that wwell this morning and that made her frustrating. I was happy we where gone before her frustation went to far.

In about an hour I'm going to his school to pick him up and hopefully I wil be with him for maybe two or three hours.

This morning I also asked my wife if I could have lunch there this afternoon. She started with saying no, because she didn't have enough and had no time to go to the supermarket, but a minute later she said I could have something but not to much. I said one snadwich would be enough and that I would eat something also before I would pick him up from school. I had the feeling I was taking some of my space back. Hopefully I really did that. I still can feel really insecure about the small progresses I think I make.

[LovingDad]

Hi,

The provocative behavior she think I made was that I was selfish beacause I wanted to read him a small bedtime story even when he is tired. I was not able to listen to her she said. My experience is that he sleep more easily when he gets his story. Otherwise things do not fit for him.

I was listening to her, but had a different opinion. I was seeking a compromise. I also had to stand up to her. That is the advice my therapist gives me. Also when my son is present. He has to see that I can stand up to his mother, so he can feel more save when I'm there too. It was difficult, but I hope I achieved something with it.

Thanks for all the replies.

[formflier]

Perhaps something to discuss with your T.  If you are in a situation and have a need, why not directly speak up for yourself to solve that need.

Am I correct in assuming that you did NOT ask for food and just kinda hung around hoping they would offer?

it could be as simple as

"Hey... I'm starving and that smells wonderful.  Can I have a plate?"

This way it removes all doubt.  They may choose to be a$$holes... .or they may choose to be polite hosts.  If they decline to offer you food, next time bring your own.

   

I'm glad you got to read your son a story.  What do you see being the next step in this process?

FF