First, I detached. Then, I detoxed

[Dunder]

Three years ago I was reeling from a failed 8 month relationship. I walked away as soon as my therapist told me he suspected BPD in a woman with whom I had been engaged in a long distance relationship. At first I was relieved, and even thought I'd be over her in a couple of weeks, maybe a month at the most. Turned into the most traumatic emotional event of my life, even worse than losing my father at the age of 22.

After 6 weeks of NC, I plunged into a deep depression and was put on a series of anti depressants and anti anxiety medications. Nothing seemed to help. I saw multiple psychiatrists and psychotherapists including CBT therapists, but nothing lifted my depression. I started taking opioid painkillers that had been prescribed to me for a bad back. A psychiatrist prescribed me amphetamines to give me a "kick-start" so I didn't lose a career that had taken me 25 years to build.

The depression was clearly caused by the trauma of an 8 month relationship with a pwBPD, and I continued to crave contact with her even though I knew there was no point to pursuing what was clearly a hopeless relationship with her. In my case, the metaphor of an addiction was quite literal. She had made me feel so high at the outset of the relationship that I eventually replaced her with all kinds of drugs, mostly prescribed to me legally by doctors.

I finally had to leave my job for a year to detox from everything. I am lucky. I have a career and an employer that made it possible to do this without losing my shirt. During the past 12 months or so I've detached from the relationship and detoxed from the drugs. Detaching from the toxic relationship was harder, much harder. Emotional pain hurts so much more than physical pain, at least for me.

I hope she's ok. I hope she gets the help she needs. I hope she doesn't continue to suffer with BPD, but I couldn't help her. I have no desire to be in touch with her ever again, but it took me three years of no contact to get to this point. I'm at peace, and I wish her the same. And I wish everyone on these message boards peace too. 

With respect to detaching, I found this website very helpful, but the passing of time and a strict policy of no contact were the only two things that got me to this place. The advice that many people at this site gave me was invaluable so I just wanted to return the favor and let all of you know what worked for me. Don't feel guilty about leaving your significant other. Only you can protect yourself, and give yourself exactly what you need to live a healthy and happy life. Staying in a toxic, co-dependent relationship is bad for you, and it's bad for your partner. 

[Harley Quinn]

Dunder, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with us.  You've come so far and I want to congratulate you on what you've achieved.  Coming off those types of drugs is no easy task and you made a wise move to take time out for yourself in this way.  How does your life look today in contrast?  What do you feel you learned? 

Love and light x

[vale46]

Dunder, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with us.  You've come so far and I want to congratulate you on what you've achieved.  Coming off those types of drugs is no easy task and you made a wise move to take time out for yourself in this way.  How does your life look today in contrast?  What do you feel you learned? 

Love and light x

Im also interested to hear how your doin post-meds. Im a few weeks into recovery myself, getting in the right frame of mind but the meds are my saviour at the moment. Regardless of side effects I dont think id be in a good position to come off them at this stage. I know im a free man from the toxicity of the relationship, but the mind takes a while to catch up. Sooner this day happens the better, but i still have the shakes, anxiety in the mornings and overthink. At night i was unable to sleep but not im slowly improving. Goin to bed early helps as whatever time it takes to nod off, i still have ample sleep time until i need to get up for work so im less tired and more productive. However since my recovery, im sleeping alot. Weekends i sleep between 14 and 16 hours. Maybe its my brain slowly repairing from all the trauma and now left to heal and slow down to a normal routine instead of the hurricane of thoughts and emotions over the last months.