New perspective, finding balance

[sklamath]

This is my first post, and it's a long one, so thanks in advance for reading. I have been lurking for the past week or so, being able to relate to so many things that others have posted. I am touched by the honesty, vulnerability, compassion, and practical wisdom on this forum.

I've always described my relationship with my mom as "difficult". It seems harsh to label your mother toxic, abusive, or narcissistic when it doesn't seem like her behavior is intentional; "emotionally immature" was a term I could live with. But in light of her latest tantrum and the new perspective I've gained over the past few weeks, I'm wrapping my head around what it means to have a mom with undiagnosed BPD.

Mom & I will get through months or even years without her exploding in a tantrum/rage, silent treatment, or sulkfest. The good (tolerable) times sometimes last long enough to make me wonder if our last fight was just a typical family conflict, and perhaps my coping strategies are heartless and unnecessary. Trying not to be alone with Mom. Offering to host holidays and handling all the cooking and cleanup so she can't play the martyr and claim I never help her. Having a "surprise" wedding to prevent months of drama. Not inviting my parents to my college graduation out of fear she'd find a way to make it all about her. Accepting that Mom will not ask about how I am or what's going on in my life, or will change the topic to herself if I try. Withholding important truths and joys about my life so that she can't judge, dismiss, punish me for, or otherwise invalidate them. But then I remember that she has contacted my friends seeking validation after raging at me for perceived injustices. (This has happened at least twice, years apart from each other, with two different friends notifying me that she contacted them. It is so completely unreal that I don't even know how to go about confronting her about it.) Or I'll say something small that triggers an emotion that's linked to the emotions of all-the-small-things-ever-all-at-once, and she'll throw a giant tantrum, and we won't speak for months. Whether she calls me first (not typical) or I call her, that next conversation may be a repeat of the tantrum, or she may sit in silence pouting, or she may have forgotten about the tantrum completely, and is calling to tell me that my third cousin twice removed who I met once when I was five has passed away. It's a grab bag. I am no longer willing to just "take it"; if she is raging or sulking, I do tell her that we can talk when she is feeling calmer.

We'd had a pretty good run, due in part to the fact that my husband and I moved out of state and contact has thus been limited. But my Easter visit to my parents' house went from pretty good to rage in an instant: her finger in my face, yelling "NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME!" as she dragged out a laundry list of "nasty" things I had "done to" her over the past 20 years, jumping from one seemingly unrelated injustice to another; from how stupid and dangerous it was for me to go on solo backpacking trips to that one time ten years ago that I missed her phone calls when we were supposed to meet, to "FINE, I JUST WON'T CALL YOU ANYMORE!" Though I should have walked away, I tried to listen for what was behind her intense anger. And perhaps for the first time, I realized that this wasn't about me or what I did to her or didn't do for her. This was about things she had internalized about herself. At some point, it struck me to ask her, "Mom, do you feel like you are a victim?" Her eyes almost lit up--as though I had complimented her--as she said, "Well, yes, I am a victim"--the same way one might say, "Why yes, I do love chocolate!" The fight kind of fizzled out from there, and it occurred to me to excuse myself to the bathroom. Side note: Through this whole incident, my father was sitting four feet away from us with his back to us, watching TV, totally silent. This conflict avoidance on his part is pretty typical.

My waking life for the next week was pretty terrible. Every time these rages happen, it feels like the worst one yet. I could barely focus on work as I deconstructed what I should (or shouldn't) have said, whether I really am selfish, nasty, and stupid/careless... .but I tried to focus on what I had noticed behind her words, and managed to stumble upon the behavior/conversation patterns of BPD. The realization has been both a relief and profoundly sad. When I spoke to my brother about my hypothesis, his response was, "Oh yeah, Mom is definitely borderline. And/or narcissistic." I was genuinely amused and impressed that my brother had come to this conclusion years ago, while I had spent all those years looking for the fault within myself. So I'm back in therapy, hoping to learn some better ways of being in my relationship with my Mom--while staying true to myself.

So what next? Before the latest rager, my parents had been discussing visiting my husband and I this summer for the first time since we moved out of state 3+ years ago (Mom still sees the move as something we did to her). I have spoken to Dad, and indicated that as of right now, I am very uncomfortable with the idea of them visiting--I am definitely not eager to experience another rage incident. But what went unspoken was that I'm also sad to turn them away. I know it will forever go down as "you told us not to visit." There's that optimistic part of me that would love to share a little of our life and what we love about where we live with my parents, that maybe we could make a nice memory together. So I'm weighing whether Mom would be insulted if we suggested they still come, but that we'll happily put them up in a hotel or AirBnB so that we all have our own space to retreat to.

And in the meantime, I plan to write Mom a letter acknowledging that I've been thinking about her, that she seems to be carrying a lot of pain, and encouraging her to find a therapist--that I am eager for us both to find some healthier ways of being together... .because I do in fact love her.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome sklamath, 

I'm really glad you found our site and that you took time to share such an informative first post with us. Well done.

The story you've shared is so incredibly familiar. In the week you've been here, I'm sure you've read stories similar to your own. I hope that helps you to feel as if you' ve found a place to belong and find comfort and listening ears. My mom was also an uBPD.

It really is such a tragedy when those who have been such a part of our lives, our parents, cannot cheer us on but instead make it all about them.

Having a "surprise" wedding to prevent months of drama. Not inviting my parents to my college graduation out of fear she'd find a way to make it all about her. Accepting that Mom will not ask about how I am or what's going on in my life, or will change the topic to herself if I try. Withholding important truths and joys about my life so that she can't judge, dismiss, punish me for, or otherwise invalidate them. 

Regardless of how hard we try to keep healthy space and safe places in our lives to allow us adult children to weather the storms, I find I always have that longing to just be loved and supported. Do you feel that way too? As we begin to heal, truly there is a time that comes, deep within that begins to sooth the broken spots. Stick with your T. It will guide you through the journey, and please stay here with us, sharing the thoughts and feelings and experiences you have.

 
Wools
PS Have you explored the list on the right hand side of our board? ----->> > Anything you click on will open up for more detailed information.

[Harri]

Hello and congratulations on making your first post.  I am glad you joined us. 

I can relate to so much of your post.  Especially about your mom contacting your friends!  Oh yes!  Mine did that so often starting when I was young and then especially when I was in my teens and 20's.  It was the weirdest thing.  It definitely affected my friendships.  Mostly by making me withdraw from them. 

I am no longer willing to just "take it"; if she is raging or sulking, I do tell her that we can talk when she is feeling calmer.

Well done!  That is so hard to do at first.

 

Though I should have walked away, I tried to listen for what was behind her intense anger. And perhaps for the first time, I realized that this wasn't about me or what I did to her or didn't do for her. This was about things she had internalized about herself. At some point, it struck me to ask her, "Mom, do you feel like you are a victim?"

What a great realization.  Really, when they are dysregulating like that they can't see you, they can only see their own pain and point of view.  By asking her if she felt like a victim you it is as if you validated her feelings which is one of the things we can do that sometimes will help especially if they are not too dysregulated.  Have you seen our article on validation as a tool?  When I first learned about BPD and read about the Tools, I was frustrated at the thought of having to validate anyone with BPD!  But it got easier when I realized validation, like any of the tools really made life easier for me.

So I'm weighing whether Mom would be insulted if we suggested they still come, but that we'll happily put them up in a hotel or AirBnB so that we all have our own space to retreat to.

I think it would be safe to assume she probably will be insulted.  That does not change the fact that your suggestion they stay elsewhere is wise and right for you.  It is more than generous for you to offer to pay for their stay in a hotel.  If she gets upset she gets upset.  You are not responsible for her reactions or her emotions.  There are some people here who are great at coming up with kind ways of phrasing things... .I am not one of those people so I am not help there but I would tell her your plan in a matter of fact way.  No hesitation, no I'm sorry and no suggestion that you feel badly.  Just present it in a kind direct way like it would never occur to you that she would be upset.  Why give her any ideas about being insulted on the off chance she is not?  What do you think?

The letter you plan to send her sounds so loving and kind.   

[Wolfhound]

I could SO feel your pain in what you said... .to go through life thinking that you were even partly to blame for everything your mom has said to you was unfair.  You are starting to see the light... .keep learning, reading, applying, journaling, slowly you can start to dis-enmesh and it becomes clearer how to proceed.  Baby steps.

[sklamath]

Thank you all for the kind welcome, words, and affirmation!

Regardless of how hard we try to keep healthy space and safe places in our lives to allow us adult children to weather the storms, I find I always have that longing to just be loved and supported. Do you feel that way too?

Oh, yes. I've been in therapy on & off since my late teens, and I can accept that I can't expect unconditional love or support from my mother or father. But there are still those moments... .a sappy movie or even a commercial with a touching mom/daughter relationship... .and I feel a twinge of sadness, or allow myself a good cry.

But I can love myself, and accept and trust the love of my husband. I am also very grateful to have healthy, supportive friendships... .I am increasingly more willing to pursue friendships rather than always assuming that I'm not "worthy" of having the kind of people that I choose around me: people who are confident, joyful, healthy, etc.

PS Have you explored the list on the right hand side of our board? ----->> > Anything you click on will open up for more detailed information.

I am making my way through all the resources. I'm a fast reader, but the hard part is doing the work of internalizing it! I've been leaving myself little Post-its to reinforce concepts. There's so much good stuff here.

I can relate to so much of your post.  Especially about your mom contacting your friends!  Oh yes!  Mine did that so often starting when I was young and then especially when I was in my teens and 20's.  It was the weirdest thing.  It definitely affected my friendships.  Mostly by making me withdraw from them. 

I'm so sorry, Harri. Withdrawing from your friends on top of Mom's behavior sounds so isolating.   

The "upside" of one of those friends being my BFF from childhood, with whom I am still close, is that a) she had my back and b) it allowed her to better understand what was going on and how to support me. In her words, "It made me realize just how hard you've had it." I tend to downplay tough stuff I'm going through, but I have learned that I can trust her. 

I think it would be safe to assume she probably will be insulted... .Just present it in a kind direct way like it would never occur to you that she would be upset.  Why give her any ideas about being insulted on the off chance she is not?  What do you think?

Good point. (Note to self: I can't control her emotions, and I can't control her reactions... .repeat ad nauseum.) And I think presenting it this way is the right approach, too. Giving it too much "weight", whether in conversation or in writing, is something she would pick up on and read ill will into.

Have you seen our article on validation as a tool?  When I first learned about BPD and read about the Tools, I was frustrated at the thought of having to validate anyone with BPD!  But it got easier when I realized validation, like any of the tools really made life easier for me.

Yes... .and I need to read it again and again, and practice it.  I see a lot of role playing in my future! It does seem unfair that I'm the one who has to take the high road, but my own behavior is the only element I have the agency to change.

I could SO feel your pain in what you said... .to go through life thinking that you were even partly to blame for everything your mom has said to you was unfair.  You are starting to see the light... .keep learning, reading, applying, journaling, slowly you can start to dis-enmesh and it becomes clearer how to proceed.  Baby steps.

Thanks, Wolfhound. I feel like I have implemented so many boundaries, and done so much work already... .But if the work was done, it wouldn't continue to impact me so much when she rages. So the journey continues!