How do you cope with your ex moving on so quickly?

[blooming]

I don't know if it's true, but I think BPD's tend to move on a lot quicker after relationships end? Mine does for sure. I think he just can't cope with being alone. He hasn't been alone (so not dating anyone) for longer than 2 week since he was 16.

I am having a very difficult time with the fact that he is moving on so quickly. Already dating someone else and being happy with that person. It's such a blow. It feels like apparently I didn't mean a lot to him, that he doesn't have to mourn the relationship or something. I keep thinking about how that new girl is making him happy and how I couldn't and that maybe this time it will work for him and that I failed him etc.

Do you guys have experience with exes moving on very quickly too? What do you tell yourself to make it easier to cope with?

[Wicker Man]

It feels like apparently I didn't mean a lot to him, that he doesn't have to mourn the relationship or something.

There is a difference between not having to mourn the end of a relationship and not being able to. 

Here is an excerpt from Psychology Today on Rebound Relationships "... .Those on the rebound are assumed to be distressed, shamed, angry, or sad. Consequently, their emotional availability is questioned, as is their capacity to be devoted to a new partner or make good decisions in choosing one."

--It seems to be human nature.  Many people will run and hide in a rebound relationship.  It is, in my opinion, a way of hiding from pain.  Ironically, rebound relationships are a way of nearly guaranteeing future pain.

I presume my ex has found someone new, or even more likely has gone back to a previous boyfriend -she kept a couple in her orbit for such and emergency... .

As I said on another thread I do not feel my ex will every get the therapy she needs to overcome her undiagnosed BPD -she was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia.  If my presumption of her suffering from BPD is correct she is doomed to an endless string of sad and abusive relationships.  -I am not jealous of her being with someone else, just sad for her.


Wicker Man

[Cromwell]

They move on easily if they have a new partner that distracts them. They were also not as attached to you as you were to them and had a plan b already. Its a bit like not quitting your job before you have secretly lined another one up and then one day just leaving your existing job without them having any indication you would, your employer being totally shocked because you had pretended to them that you were so happy and it was their dream job. The employer then having the stress and shock of having to find a replacement whilst you are busy impressing your new employer at a higher rate of pay or other perceived benefits.

I find my ex quite a shameless person, she is the type that would ask for her old job back when she realised her new one wasnt as good as what she had before.

Its easy for them because they havent emotionally invested as much, its easier for them to detach. Im not saying that the whole r/s was just a sham, but they will not have allowed themselves to have the same vulnerability as we have allowed, and as a result, face the hurt that has happened.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Blooming,

This is a hard one right? I mean, for anyone it can be hard to see an ex with someone new and I feel like it's just another part of the detachment process. As you're noting though, people w/BPD do seem to have a pattern of moving on quickly. I know that my STBXw (didn't find this out until recently) was never alone, from the time she started dating. If anything, it helped me understand a bit and put things in perspective. I really value my alone time and have learned so much about myself in the times that I've been single. It's hard to think of my ex as someone who might not ever have had that experience and who knows, may never have it.

I feel like this is when it is most important to focus on yourself, because it can be too easy to get wrapped up in comparing your relationship to theirs or comparing yourself to the new person.

So, how are you coping so far? What are you doing to cope with this? What specifically about it bothers you so much?

We all cope in different ways and there are right or wrong answers, but there are some ways that trip us up and hinder our progress more than others. In the past (not this relationship), I coped by "getting out there" and dating people before I was ready to start a relationship. It helped me to feel wanted, but didn't heal any of my core wounds from that relationship. This time, I'm coping by keeping off social media and making it very hard to discover if my STBXw is dating someone new or not. I expect it to happen, if it hasn't already (the affair partner is married, so he's not long term). In the past, I would have stalked her online to look for evidence of it - the same way I used social media to try to learn more about the relationship she was in when we met. Now, I'm resisting that urge - because ultimately it's just something I don't need to see or know about. She is free to make her life better or wreck her life with whomever she wants. As am I  

[stixx44]

Blooming,

Lighthouse is so right.  Stay away from all social media.  Resist the urge.

I don’t know if my ex has someone else but I know for a fact she had more than one tryst while we were separated for three months.  So I just guess she’s doing the same thing now.

What helps me cope with this is thinking that she never felt about me the same way I felt about her.  She can’t.  She doesn’t have the capacity to have a mature, long-standing relationship.  I feel for her because she’s always going to be a tormented soul.

I have regrets for getting into this with her, but I didn’t know she had such deep problems.  Now that I do know, I feel better that I held onto my boundaries about marriage and commitment.  I can’t even imagine what my life might’ve been.

Do I miss the “good” parts and memories?  Of course.  But ultimately we were not destined to be together.

Time does help... .see him for how he truly is.  Don’t take all the blame onto yourself.  Any future r/s he has will likely be short-lived and traumatic.

Wishing you peace of mind,

Stixx

[Headheldhigh]

I think I also need to go away from social media. I realized is becoming a obsession to check every day her public profile and her new girlfriend or old one, I dont knoe how long she has been with both of us, asking to marry me for 3th time and mow publishing in social m eww dia how much she loves the new one, how they are looking about how to have babys and moving together ( my approximation of them being together even when my ex was with me are 4 months) I dont knoe how can I stop this obsession

[blooming]

There is a difference between not having to mourn the end of a relationship and not being able to. 

Here is an excerpt from Psychology Today on Rebound Relationships "... .Those on the rebound are assumed to be distressed, shamed, angry, or sad. Consequently, their emotional availability is questioned, as is their capacity to be devoted to a new partner or make good decisions in choosing one."

--It seems to be human nature.  Many people will run and hide in a rebound relationship.  It is, in my opinion, a way of hiding from pain.  Ironically, rebound relationships are a way of nearly guaranteeing future pain.

I presume my ex has found someone new, or even more likely has gone back to a previous boyfriend -she kept a couple in her orbit for such and emergency... .

As I said on another thread I do not feel my ex will every get the therapy she needs to overcome her undiagnosed BPD -she was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia.  If my presumption of her suffering from BPD is correct she is doomed to an endless string of sad and abusive relationships.  -I am not jealous of her being with someone else, just sad for her.


Wicker Man

I wish I could be sad for him instead of jealous. The psychologists I talked to both are sure my ex has a personality disorder, with BPD being the most likely one, but of course they can't diagnose without seeing him. You're probably right that as long as he doesn't get any help, thinks regarding the relationships he commits to probably won't get better. But still I'm scared for it. Scared that it was me. There are so many things I would have done differently if I had the chance to redo it all. I wouldn't have leaned on him as much, shared my troubles first with others instead of him. I would've made more time for him, made more clear to him that he was always my priority, because he said he didn't feel like that and that it was all about me (very hurtful, because I see myself as the opposite of an egocentric person). When I found out he had been on Tinder during our relationship, exchanged numbers with a girl on there and had a very flirty conversation with her, talking about meeting up/making sexual remarks/sending her the same pictures he sent me, I was absolutely heartbroken. It was everything I had been afraid of (not being good enough etc), and he knew that, because he said as much. A week after I found out he broke up with me. I think he couldn't handle that a week later I still wanted to talk abou it and was still sad about it. He couldn't express his emotions about it he said, he didn't think it was such a big deal. He got angry at me because I had looked at his phone and read that conversation. If I could do it all over again I would try to not make it as much of a big deal. Maybe I overreacted. He said nothing happened and nothing would have happened, that it was just an easy way of getting some attention because of the stress of me being in hospital (I had a kidney infection) in combination with his studies. I just wish he would have talked to me about how he was feeling instead of downloading Tinder as distraction.

[blooming]

They move on easily if they have a new partner that distracts them. They were also not as attached to you as you were to them and had a plan b already. Its a bit like not quitting your job before you have secretly lined another one up and then one day just leaving your existing job without them having any indication you would, your employer being totally shocked because you had pretended to them that you were so happy and it was their dream job. The employer then having the stress and shock of having to find a replacement whilst you are busy impressing your new employer at a higher rate of pay or other perceived benefits.

I find my ex quite a shameless person, she is the type that would ask for her old job back when she realised her new one wasnt as good as what she had before.

Its easy for them because they havent emotionally invested as much, its easier for them to detach. Im not saying that the whole r/s was just a sham, but they will not have allowed themselves to have the same vulnerability as we have allowed, and as a result, face the hurt that has happened.

I don't think he had anyone lined up already, but of course I'm not entirely sure. Two of his other exes are certainly in new relationships and he doesn't have any contact with them. One of them was in a relationship in August last year, I'm not sure she still is, but I'm pretty certain she'd never get back to him otherwise it would've happened in the past 3 years, because it's all he wanted. Besides his exes there was no one he could have lined up I think. He wasn't in contact with anyone as far as I know, and he was pretty open with his phone. But with him, he just downloads a dating app and he can have as many dates as he wants in no time. He was always telling me how he could get every girl he wanted and how much attention he was getting etc.

It's hard to realise that he wasn't invested as much as I was, that hurts. Especially when I hear him talking about one of his exes (the one he wanted to have back). He said he would never get over her and that she was his soulmate. So clearly he was invested in her. Why not me?

[blooming]

Hey Blooming,

This is a hard one right? I mean, for anyone it can be hard to see an ex with someone new and I feel like it's just another part of the detachment process. As you're noting though, people w/BPD do seem to have a pattern of moving on quickly. I know that my STBXw (didn't find this out until recently) was never alone, from the time she started dating. If anything, it helped me understand a bit and put things in perspective. I really value my alone time and have learned so much about myself in the times that I've been single. It's hard to think of my ex as someone who might not ever have had that experience and who knows, may never have it.

Yes my ex was never really alone either, crazy stuff. I really don't know how he does that. I downloaded tinder a few days ago but as soon as anyone starts talking about meeting up I just get scared, clearly not ready for that yet and it's now been almost 6 weeks since the last time I saw my ex and we had our last 'break-up'.

I feel like this is when it is most important to focus on yourself, because it can be too easy to get wrapped up in comparing your relationship to theirs or comparing yourself to the new person.

So, how are you coping so far? What are you doing to cope with this? What specifically about it bothers you so much?

Yes, I know I should focus on myself, but it's just hard. When I focus on myself and try to think about how I'm feeling, I just get really sad and lonely and empty inside. It's not a really nice feeling. That's why I kind of try to avoid that. Whenever I'm alone I just feel horrible. I still have very bad dreams and wake up so many times during the night, sometimes crying. I'm trying to distract myself as much as possible and exercise at least 3 times a week, that's kind of how I'm trying to cope. But whenever I don't have distraction/people around me I just break down and get in this vicious circle of negative thoughts/blaming myself/thinking about who he's with again.

I think what bothers me the most about it is the feeling of failure and being scared to find out that the girl he's with now is actually able to make him happy in the long-term, like I was not.

We all cope in different ways and there are right or wrong answers, but there are some ways that trip us up and hinder our progress more than others. In the past (not this relationship), I coped by "getting out there" and dating people before I was ready to start a relationship. It helped me to feel wanted, but didn't heal any of my core wounds from that relationship. This time, I'm coping by keeping off social media and making it very hard to discover if my STBXw is dating someone new or not. I expect it to happen, if it hasn't already (the affair partner is married, so he's not long term). In the past, I would have stalked her online to look for evidence of it - the same way I used social media to try to learn more about the relationship she was in when we met. Now, I'm resisting that urge - because ultimately it's just something I don't need to see or know about. She is free to make her life better or wreck her life with whomever she wants. As am I  

I try to keep off his social media profiles as much as possible, but it's hard. He's not very active on facebook and doesn't have instagram and I don't have snapchat, but he does have strava (an exercise app) and last.fm (where I can see what music he listens to). Based on those two I still torture myself I guess. Oh he cycled to a new town? Maybe his new girl lives there. Oh he listened to this particular music late at night? He must be with someone. Oh he went to this concert (facebook event)? He must have gone with someone new.

[Wicker Man]

I wish I could be sad for him instead of jealous. The psychologists I talked to both are sure my ex has a personality disorder, with BPD being the most likely one... .  ... .I would've made more time for him, made more clear to him that he was always my priority, because he said he didn't feel like that and that it was all about me.

Have you read the articles under the insight tab?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

If your ex does in fact suffer from BPD making more time may have made things even worse.  Rage is generally precipitated from feelings of fear.  Fight or flight response.  As I got closer to my ex lover more cognitive dissonance seemed to have been created within her.  She slowly seemed to be attempting to control every aspect of our relationship.  The more I gave the more she seemed to fear our relationship. 

From what I have been reading DBT and CBT are the only available path to salvation for people suffering from BPD.  In other words as relationship partners we simply lacked the tools to help.  It was startling to learn when spent an entire evening talking her out of a non-responsive dysphoric episode I may have been reinforcing the behavior.  In my attempt to show compassion and love I may have been making the dysphoria more likely to occur.  I did my best.

I know it hurts Blooming.   Believe me I know.  We have been no contact for over 4 months and I am still haunted by the lack of her.

Try to keep focusing on yourself in a positive light, not in the context of your old relationship.  Good for you for working out! 

Try to find a way to not look at social media -it is hard to not look and I struggle with this myself -but it hurts me every time I look.


Wicker Man