My son is still here and my mother-in-law is back to Suriname

[LovingDad]

Hi everyone,

In my last post I wrote that I was afraid my wife was trying to leave to Suriname with my son and without my approval. The date that it probably would happen would have been last Friday. I can say that I'm releaved that she is still here with my son. My mother-in-law is gone back to Suriname. That means one BPD person less. Now I only have to deal with my wife.

She spend € 1000,00 on the tickets to Suriname and that money is gone now. I set a boundary, which is good. A costly one and she helped me do this, by pushing me to sign a form I didn't want to sign. I should feel good about this, but I don't.

Last week I knew this would be the limit. One way or another I was going to devorce her. Friday evening I saw my son. Holding him in my arms was heaven at that time. Yesterday I had a long videochat with him and today I went with him and my wife to the swimming pool. All those things went pretty well and now again I'm full of doubt.

I still have feelings for her, but we can't keep on living like this. I life with a friend and she lives with my son in our house. We only seems to drift further apart from each other. She is pretty nice at the moment, but for how long?

Is so incredible hard and difficult to make the decision. It is driving me crazy. What is best for my son? What do I do to have the best future for my son, myself and my wife? She will never file the divorce herself, because of her religion and het promiss to her mother.

In a little more than one hour I will be there again. We're going to eat France Frites and than I will be putting him to bed.

Where is my confidence I had all my life to make the decisions? Do I hate myself for nothing making the decision? I only know for about seven weeks that she has BPD.

I just want things to be clear.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pleh]

This is my first chat. I have known only for a week that my 41 year daughter, mother of 3 beautiful girls has BPD. It is a scarey disorder. My heart goes out to the father who write this chat. My son- in- law just served papers on my daughter. She deals with her disorder by using drugs. I see the hard ship. My daughter over dosed and currently in the hospital. It is a difficult situation that non/BPD family members are in. As her mom I cannot divorce her, as a grandma I must protect my granddaughters. I can only pray, read the books and hopefully give and get relief through communication with other people who traveling this very rocky road.

[pearlsw]

Hi LovingDad, (and hi too Pleh!)

Glad to have you here with us! May I ask, as someone living outside my home country, are you both outside your home country or are you in your own home country?

Let's explore this a bit further. You say you are having trouble making decisions, may I ask why? You want to divorce, but you are afraid you will have less time with your son? You are afraid how your wife will react? Why are you not at the house? Did you choose to leave or... .?

What's been going on between you two that has brought you to the brink of divorce?

with compassion, pearl.

[LovingDad]

Hi,

Thanks for both replies. It Always helps to get compassion in a difficult situatie.

To Pleh I wish you the best in your difficult situation. It most be horrible for you too, I hope you find a way to deal with the situatie.

To Paerlsw, you ask a lot of questions and that is good. It forces me to think things over. I will try to answer the questions as good as possible.

I life in my home country. I even life in the village I'm born. My wife is born in Paramaribo and she has come to Holland in 1993. So that is about 25 years ago. She never talked about wanting to go back, but she has a lot of family there and she is now also going through hard times.

The reason I have trouble making the hard decision is because we're not even marraid 1 year. I still love her, but when we got marraid I was completely crazy about here. She really was my dreamgirl. But after the marraige things went bad really fast and now I don't even seem to know her anymore. She seems like a complete different person. Very distant and suspisious about everything. I'm becoming that way about here too. She lies so much and my opinion doesn't seem te matter anymore.

I'm afraid for a terrible divorce. The way she makes up things. The everything is my fault. All the accusations I'm already getting. I'm afraid will get much worse also for my son. She has already used him in our differences. She denied me access to him. Only for a couple of these, but it is hurtfull. I'm simple afraid of the consequences for my son, my wife and for me when we go through a fighting divorce.

I'm also afraid how my wife will react. I know I should not take things personal. I'm really trying hard not to do that, but it is difficult. I'm working on it with my therapist, but it takes time. The problem with not divorcing is, that I don't see things coming well again. When it comes to parenting we see things really different. When my son doesn't listen, my wife always has the punishment right there if he doesn't start to listen. There is no room for any liniancies. In my parenting there is room for error. I'm there for here. I got the feeling she is not there for my son. my son is there for her. It is really hard to cope with that.

I left the house on Octobre 1ste 2017. After a horrible weekend. Back then I really didn't have a clue what she had. She said things that I should go ___ my mother, that she couldn't wait for the day my parents annd brother would be dead, that a was a curse. She even told my son, sorry I didn't find a better father for you. Than on Sunday she said that I if my son would let me dress him, his outing to the zoo would not happen. She decided to go there with him, without me. She really yeld extremely hard to my son and me. I left the room and she continued to scream to my son. That is when I called the police. They adviced me to leave the house and I did. Ever since  have tried to figure out what was really going on and was looking for outside professional help. My wife didn't want the outside help and sabotaged it constantly and now everyone has stopt. Except my own therapist.

I'm so close to divorce because I don't see any future with here anymore. She doesn't wear her weddingring for over 6 months anymore. She constantly says there is no 'us' anymore. When I'm there she is most of the time very distant. She doesn't try to do anything to get things better. She spends money like it is her own and not ours. I think I still love her, but I'm not sure. I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to do this to my son, my wife and myself anymore. We're only drifting further apart. I'm exchausted. I want peace. I want to wake up and feel like I want to life this day. Not being afraid of it anymore. I need peace and quite. No longer a constant uphill climb.

Greetings,

LovingDad