Hi there. This is is a nasty predicament, and I know being yelled at for a mechanical issue NO ONE caused is galling. No matter your ex's fault, I doubt he set up a timer to have the AC fail at just this moment to cause you grief.
Here's what I can tell you about my H with HIS brand of BPD, rages, name calling, and the silent treatment.
When he hits a point where he's started to rage, nothing I say matters. He is blinded by emotion, and my attempts to Justify, Ague, Defend or Explain just serve to make it all worse. It's moved from a simple invalidation of ONE statement, idea, or topic, to an entire invalidation of his self, his right to his feelings, his right to his anger - it's just not going to work, wastes my energy, and just keeps the fight escalating. So, I have to stop JADEing. I basically need to remove myself from the situation if I can, or simply get quiet and ride it out - I stop throwing gasoline at the fire.
I realize he's hit a point where the part of him that is rational is gone. I think someone on her said "drunk on emotions", and yes, that's pretty much it. He is a rage-y version of hysterical. He is obviously not in his right mind, and so nothing he says should matter as far as insults and claims. If a drunk person or tired, cranky toddler starts yelling "I hate you!", it stings, but we know they aren't rational and we can use that knowledge as a little shield against that sting.
H has, at a very self-aware moment, confided he can't cope with stress, or anger, without yelling. At a person. It has to be at a person. Sine BPD makes it very important that not everyone sees the crazy, just those of us in the inner circle, guess who gets to be yelled at? He even admitted he knows it's not always even a person's fault - like rain. But he sometimes can't seem to get it out without losing it. Knowing this also helps me build up that shield. So often it's not about me at all. It's just how he's wired to handle things.
Silent treatment - this stresses some people a lot. To me, I'm usually just happy the yelling is over for now. My father was a very frightening man who had BPD or was a full sociopath. The verdict is still out. Anyway, he'd lose something behind his eyes in a rage, which meant I was about to be hurt. The eyes would go dead, and that was a danger signal. H has had that happen, rarely, but it resulted in him throwing things (food) at me. Not good, but far removed from me being picked up by my hair and tossed around. And I've noted that the very worst rages with H coincide with low blood sugar.
Usually, once the silent treatment has started, it can mean a few things.
1 - it IS still intended as a form of punishment. You are being shunned. You know what - you are also not being yelled at, so yay. Kind of a win. It can be distressing but it also is a bit of a break, so take advantage of it. Keep busy, keep out of the way.
2 - when H has finally stormed off, it is his attempt to get himself under control. Even the sight of me can re-engage the anger. If I go bug him, chase him, try to force the conversation, it just keeps the fight stuck in crisis mode, and does not let it calm down. Leave him be as much as you can. Be polite, but that's it. He wants to go eat worms for a while. Let him. No texting. Nothing that is emotional, tries to JADE more. No, "let's talk about it." If you need to arrange child care, pick up things at the store, whatever, those texts are fine. Otherwise, don't poke the tiger.
3 - the Non often has to give up the idea of closure, and go for resolution/emotional reset - at least on the level movies and TV tell us to expect. Once we get past the rage, into the silent treatment, I say "good morning." I go about my day. By lunch, we usually go together, so I ask how his morning has been. I do NOT ring up the fight. I talk to him as if nothing happened. He knows he has now risked pushing me so hard (push/pull) that I might be about to abandon him. I treat him normally, if not actually affectionately, so this is not an issue. If he is willing to talk about his day, he is navigating shame at losing his temper. Any attempt to bring things up in some manner like "let's talk about it." will just restart the invalidation and the rage again. Sometimes I can talk a little about the actual issue - nothing that was done or said during the rage.
We have not left the silent treatment and can move on the actual working on the problem.
I tried to text him a message taking my portion of the responsibility and apologizing, but it's like he's cut me out of his life. It's so odd. I feel depressed and don't understand if he really wants a divorce or he's if he's just upset.
It is likely he is just really upset. And if you do not want a divorce, you are allowed to totally refuse to take any steps for one, putting it all in his lap.
pwBPD feel crazy, out of control emotions. You know ho you can squish things down sometimes, and just not allow yourself to lose it? He can't. He missed that day in school, so to speak. One thing that confuses them is any other person not reacting or appearing to feel EXACTLY as they do. If you were not just as upset (or more, somehow this gets my H's attention and concerns him if I show visible signs of upset), it's actually seen by him as being invalidating of HIS emotional state. They like to make us upset, I think, to SHARE the feeling.
Sometimes, I just agree, or make noncommittal noises when H says things like, "this is so and so's fault." "Okay... .well, we still have to choose how to fix it, what do you suggest? You like the guys who came last time?" Or "this is your ex's fault!" "Sure, he's an ass. I think I have the number to call the repair company tomorrow, you want to be here or want me to be here?"
He likely decided to take your comments as a defense of your ex, and also wanted to vent his spleen.
I would basically talk to him about basic, simple, nonemotional things, and then if he chooses not to respond, leave the room. He is both trying to make you upset and throwing a silent tantrum. If it's not working, he will need to do something different. So do your best to take care of you, keep yourself entertained and busy and he will (likely) come around.
