One Word Answers/Lack of Positive Social Interaction

[Michael43]

Hi everyone.

I want advice on how to increase the positive social interaction in my life, especially with my wife w/BPD.  I teach middle school, and am physically and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day.  After each school day I often have meetings or other work commitments.  When I come home, I like to have conversations with my wife about her day.  Here's how they occur now.

Me:  Can you tell me about your day?
Her:  It was fine.
Me:  What made it a fine day?
Her:  It's over.
Me:  What do you mean by that?
Her:  It sucked.
Me:  When you respond with one-word answers, I feel that the conversation is not valued.  Can you make an effort to fully participate in the conversation?
Her:  I could try.
Me:  What was something positive that happened at work today?
Her:  Went home.
Me:  How did you contribute and help children at work today?
Her:  Watched people sleep.
Me:  I can see that you do not want to talk about work.  It's okay if you feel you did not have a great day at work.  Can you think of something positive that happened outside of work?
Her: My daughter got a free ice cream today at the drive through.
Me:  Is there anything you want to talk about or anything I can do to help?
Her:  No.

This sort of conversation take place every day.  It is also clear that she only responds this way with me.  With her mother or friends she will be an active participant in the conversation and will go in-depth about her day.  She refuses to participate even in simple dinner conversations with me. This has led me to realize this relationship is not meeting my adult social interaction needs.  I fill that need at the gym, church, calling friends and family, and being social outside of the family.  For a while I was seeing an individual therapist.  However, my wife is always suspicious about me going to therapy and it causes her to get paranoid that our relationship is in danger.  We did try couples therapy two years ago but she would shut down, pout, and not respond for most of the time.  I have decided that couples therapy with her is a waste.  I am considering returning to seeing an individual therapist.

Do any of you have any ideas to improve my communication with my wife? I initiate most conversations, and most of the time the conversations are not fulfilling to me.  It was not like this in the first few years of our marriage.  I have been finding ways to get more positive adult interaction.  It's just noticeable to me that I am yearning for more positive interactions with adults, and I am not getting it right now in my relationship.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Michael43, that sounds like an intensely frustrating situation. It reminds me a bit of how my wife sometimes replies to me when she's in dysregulation mode and I offer to help. I'll ask her, "What can I get to make you feel better?" (eg her favorite snack). Her reply: "A house."

Good for you for proactively building a network to fill your adult interaction needs. Those of us with kids or like you who also work with kids especially need that.

Before I share any ideas about how to improve the communication problems, it would help to know more about the relationship overall and the role BPD traits play. At what point did  her communication become like this - any major events happen around the same time? Is she dealing with any additional issues, such as depression? Is this semi-silent treatment the worst of her behaviors towards you or does she do other things like rage?

~ROE

 

[once removed]

It is also clear that she only responds this way with me.  

based solely on this conversation, it might be a combination of your approach, and her style. if i were her, it would feel forced and i would feel quizzed and talked down to, and i would shut down.

think of the classic interaction between parents and their kids:

"how was school"
"fine"
"whatd you do?"
"work"

for example, "can you tell me about your day" has a very different connotation than something like "id love to hear about your day".

Me:  Can you tell me about your day?
Her:  It was fine.
Me:  What made it a fine day?
Her:  It's over.
Me:  What do you mean by that?
Her:  It sucked.

id stop there. id say "do you wanta talk about it?", and if she does id actively listen, and if she doesnt, she doesnt.

It was not like this in the first few years of our marriage.

what was different? what made the spark? what gets her talking (usually people clam up like that will go on and on if its a subject theyre passionate about)?

[Notgoneyet]

 M43,
 WOW ,                                                                                                   So sorry you are going through this too.  This sounds EXACTLY like my interactions uBPDw of 35 yrs & myself in these last 5-6 months. I've been wondering when things might improve myself so I'm sorry that I don't have a lot of advice for you but I'm looking forward to seeing some here & hopfully learning w you.
   I know for me I've been focusing a lot on self care , Al-Anon meetings,reconnecting w so old friends, reading lots of helpful thing on these boards & many ,many books.
   We have been seeing an awesome C for 1yr now. She specializes in addictions & is pretty good w DBT which has been a real help to my BPDw. (addiction issues) alcohol mostly. Started going without her bc it wasn't her choice or idea and after 4-5 times she had to come along  (to make sure I was being honest w MY 1/2 of the problems )  We also have to drive together bc w has currently has no  D. license.
    Is your w depressed? I know from dealing with my w's severe depression when she's have a bad wk or spell her answers become even shorter if at all. 
  Hope things improve w your r/s sooner than later & in the meantime take care of YOU!
    NGY

[Michael43]

Before I share any ideas about how to improve the communication problems, it would help to know more about the relationship overall and the role BPD traits play. At what point did  her communication become like this - any major events happen around the same time? Is she dealing with any additional issues, such as depression? Is this semi-silent treatment the worst of her behaviors towards you or does she do other things like rage?

She also has issues with severe depression, general anxiety, and psychotic features at times.  6 months ago she was demoted from full time work to part time after missing so much work due to psychiatric hospitalizations and ER visits.  She has also applied for Social Security SSDI benefits.  At times she can rage but that is a bit rarer when she is completely dysregulated.

I think work has become a sore spot for her.  She usually is positive about our daughter.  I think I will ask about our daughter if she doesn't want to talk about herself.  She often does not like to talk about her family either.  Another idea I have is to pick a time together when we can discuss our day.  Perhaps she needs more time to cool down after work, and she may be more ready to discuss her day in the evening.

[Cat Familiar]

My conversations with my husband can often appear this way. I sympathize with you. I also would love to have more free-flowing conversation with my spouse.

I agree with once removed's theory that your conversational gambits may be perceived as interrogations by her. This has happened to me. Sometimes my husband will say, "What is it that you want?" in an angry tone of voice, when all I'm after is to ask his opinion or have him elaborate upon something  he thought/felt/said. He's told me that he thinks I ask these questions because I want to use the information against him, when all I want is a conversation.

Rather than the paranoia my husband seems to feel due to my questions, your wife appears depressed and her answers certainly reflect that. One strategy I've tried that's usually successful is to talk about an unrelated topic, rather than questions about him. So I think talking about your daughter would be more productive. Sometimes after I get him "warmed up" talking about politics, current events, etc., then he'll be more likely to share his thoughts and feelings.

[teapay]

She sounds like she might be angry at you and some of the boundaries you've set with her.  This might especially be the case regarding work and finances.  Does she want to work or hates it?

[Michael43]

She sounds like she might be angry at you and some of the boundaries you've set with her.  This might especially be the case regarding work and finances.  Does she want to work or hates it?

She does want to work but I think she she has a very low frustration and stress tolerance.  We have separated our finances and she needs to bring in enough income to support herself.  Lately I have learned to try to change to a different topic if work is a sore subject for her.