I feel like I made her this way

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello everyone

I have been looking for a support group for BPD, or any mental disorder really. There are so many groups for addiction, but not personality disorders. My daughter has BPD, and was a drug addict and cutter for years. I have been through a lot and I can't believe I survived! After years of enabling her, i finally learned to set boundaries and stop taking her verbal and emotional abuse. Since then, I no longer have a relationship with her. It has been 2 years since we have spoken. It breaks my heart and sometimes I feel like just accepting the toxic relationship again to make me feel like a "good mom". I mean, who doesn't talk to their child? I have the best husband and friends that show me unending support, but they can't really understand what it feels like for it to be your flesh and blood. I also suffer from bipolar with depression, so it hits home. I feel like I made her this way. They are my genetics after all. I am hoping to find others that can be a listening ear instead of putting all of this on my husband and friends.


Thanks for adding my

dreambig

[dreambig]

Hello everyone

I have been looking for a support group for BPD, or any mental disorder really. There are so many groups for addiction, but not personality disorders. My daughter has BPD, and was a drug addict and cutter for years. I have been through a lot and I can't believe I survived! After years of enabling her, i finally learned to set boundaries and stop taking her verbal and emotional abuse. Since then, I no longer have a relationship with her. It has been 2 years since we have spoken. It breaks my heart and sometimes I feel like just accepting the toxic relationship again to make me feel like a "good mom". I mean, who doesn't talk to their child? I have the best husband and friends that show me unending support, but they can't really understand what it feels like for it to be your flesh and blood. I also suffer from bipolar with depression, so it hits home. I feel like I made her this way. They are my genetics after all. I am hoping to find others that can be a listening ear instead of putting all of this on my husband and friends.


Thanks for adding my

dreambig

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello dreambig,

I would like to welcome you and say how sorry I am to hear of what’s brought you here. There are a few parents like myself who are estranged from their adult child who can offer you support.

It sounds as though you were on the right track when you learned how to set boundaries and to stop taking her abuse. Do you think that was the catalyst that caused the breakdown of your relationship? You say that you have not spoken for two years, who instigated this, you or her?

I understand how heartbreaking it is to have no contact with your child and my heart goes out to you. You say that sometimes you feel like accepting the toxic relationship again to make you feel like a “good mom”. Yes, I can relate to that, I was prepared to sacrifice myself for a relationship with my uBPD son, and sacrifice myself I did. It didn’t save our relationship, he still walked away. I have been here a few months now and I have learnt so much and received lots of support and there is no way now that I would ever consider being in a toxic relationship with my son. I have had to rebuild my life and try to make myself a strong person again and I am not prepared to throw that away. We can help you to make different choices by learning as much as you can about BPD and how to communicate effectively, you don’t need to put up with being in a toxic relationship.

I am so glad to hear that you have support from your husband and friends, that means a lot in a situation like this. I hope that you are taking care of yourself too.  
 

[Mutt]

Hi dreambig,



Id like to join Feeling Better and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry about the circumstances that led you here I am happy that you decided to join us there is hope. Many of us didn’t have boundaries or we had floating boundaries, that’s courageous of you to set a boundary and stick up for yourself.

I don’t have a child w/ BPD i have an appointment exwiyh traits you’ll find that you’ll fit right in here you’re not alone.

[skooz]

I also suffer from bipolar with depression, so it hits home. I feel like I made her this way. They are my genetics after all. I am hoping to find others that can be a listening ear instead of putting all of this on my husband and friends.


Thanks for adding my

dreambig

dreambig, bless you, everyone comes into this world with their challenges.  Your gene pool is outside of your control, so don't worry about that.  Just deal with what you CAN control. You can make your own life as strong and stable and healthy as possible.  Hopefully that will set an example that your daughter will eventually want to follow, and you will have experience with which to help her.  In the meantime, I know estrangement is painful, but it is often part of the process, unfortunately.  And again, unless you instigated it, you can't really control that.  It might be helpful to make a list of what you can and can't control in this situation.  And read up!  There are many wonderful resources. here. Best to you!

[dreambig]

Thank you all for your comments and support. To answer some questions: My daughter has been very verbally abusive to me. When I said yes, we were on good terms. Which meant she only yelled at me a little. As soon as I said no, or God forbid, call her out on her lies, that's when it got bad. Screaming at me, calling me names I wouldn't call anyone. She has even gotten physical with me. But I put up with it. I let it blow over and didn't make her apologize or acknowledge what she had done. This went on for years, and probably would still be that way. Then, in September 2016, she announced she was adopting a friend's baby with her wife. This was devastating to hear because this child deserves so much better in life. My daughter is in a physically and verbally abusive relationship with her wife and they are dirt poor. They both make bad life decisions and have both had trouble with drugs and the law. The catalyst that made me stop enabling her behavior was her using her child to manipulate and control me. When she had a good day, I was GiGi, but if something flipped her switch, i wasn't good enough to be around her child. It became clear she was going to play mind games with her child and I couldn't allow myself to be part of hurting this innocent little human. She cut off contact with me, thus not having spoken to her in 2 years. i have tried a couple of times to reach out, I sent a birthday present to my granddaughter and she dropped it off on my doorstep, telling me to never contact her again and that her step dad and me are no longer grand parents. This seems bad enough, but I just found out that she herself is now pregnant! She has very poor health and now there is another child being put into this mess. This nightmare seems to never end!

[Scout206]

Hi Dreambig
I too am cut off from my daughter.  It will be two years in July.  I have spoken to her a couple of times, had a few dinners but she always finds a way twist something I say into an excuse to emotionally abuse and punish me.   She is getting married in July and I won't be invited.   She is planning on having children but I can already see that they will be used as another way to manipulate, control and punish me.  If I even get to be around them, I will be hesitant to form any bond with because I know it will only cause me and them pain.   I don't know how I got here.  Maybe  I should have seen it coming but I didn't.  She is very high functioning and I doubt that many (any?) people know that she suffers from mental illness.   She has also cut off her brother and my side of the family.   Some days I feel strong and other days I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces and have no idea how to put myself back together.   Having a weak, sad day today - maybe because of Mother's Day tomorrow.  You are lucky to have a supportive husband and friends.  I have only told a few people because it is so difficult, confusing and painful to talk about.   Believe me, now that you are here, you are not alone.  I am so glad that I have support from parents on this forum... .especially on a day like today  Scout206

[Wiggley]

It is so nice to be among people who seem to really understand what I am going through.  I am a single parent and my daughter is my only child.  I blame myself (she blames me) for everything wrong in her life.  Her abuse towards me has just gotten worse in the last 8 months with swearing and name calling, telling me she is going to kill herself and will be all my fault, that I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that I killed her.  She seems to be able to have relationships with other people, but with her family she is so abusive.  I see her number and get anxious because I never know who is going to be on the other end of the phone.  My greatest fear is not having her in my life, but then I sometimes secretly wish she weren't and then feel guilty.  I keep trying to figure out how the heck we got here. 

[Soc]

It is so nice to be among people who seem to really understand what I am going through.  I am a single parent and my daughter is my only child.  I blame myself (she blames me) for everything wrong in her life.  Her abuse towards me has just gotten worse in the last 8 months with swearing and name calling, telling me she is going to kill herself and will be all my fault, that I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that I killed her.  She seems to be able to have relationships with other people, but with her family she is so abusive.  I see her number and get anxious because I never know who is going to be on the other end of the phone.  My greatest fear is not having her in my life, but then I sometimes secretly wish she weren't and then feel guilty.  I keep trying to figure out how the heck we got here. 

I believe the children are born this way, I was the only parent for 16 yrs then suddenly I wasnt, I raised my daughter by myself. I havent heard from her in 3 months.

I too am blamed for everything, Her NPD mother that was never there for her is now the good parent, and Im am treated like dirt. If your situation is like mine, there was no progression, it just suddenly happened. I blame myself as well. We shouldnt but we do.