Mother's Day gone bad

[Our abuse recovery guide]

First post. My son is engaged to a girl that I believe may have BPD. They are parents of my 5yo grandson. Mother's Day spiraled downhill quickly. My son was trying to get shoes on grandson to get him ready for us to go to brunch. Typically I am asked mostly so I can pay because money is tight. They are not married as yet so my son lives with his father and I. Future DIL and grandson live with her parents. Typically they stay at her parents and weekends with us. The 3 of them sleep in my son's room together. I deal with it so I get to see my grandson.  I never got to see grandson the first couple years after his birth. DIL seemed to be threatened by me? Any way back to Mother's Day. Future DIL started yelling at my son after my gs ran upstairs to her because it was a battle to get his shoes on. I did a no no thinking I needed to defend my s and yelled to her it was not son fault. They left and not spoken to any of them since. I am not fit to babysit anymore now. What should I do ?               Inapickle

[Inapickle]

First post. My son is engaged to a girl that I believe may have BPD. They are parents of my 5yo grandson. Mother's Day spiraled downhill quickly. My son was trying to get shoes on grandson to get him ready for us to go to brunch. Typically I am asked mostly so I can pay because money is tight. They are not married as yet so my son lives with his father and I. Future DIL and grandson live with her parents. Typically they stay at her parents and weekends with us. The 3 of them sleep in my son's room together. I deal with it so I get to see my grandson.  I never got to see grandson the first couple years after his birth. DIL seemed to be threatened by me? Any way back to Mother's Day. Future DIL started yelling at my son after my gs ran upstairs to her because it was a battle to get his shoes on. I did a no no thinking I needed to defend my s and yelled to her it was not son fault. They left and not spoken to any of them since. I am not fit to babysit anymore now. What should I do ?               Inapickle

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Inapickle,   Welcome to the site! 

I'm so sorry you've had this trouble. Definitely sounds like a sticky situation. Tell me a little more about you. How did you come to suspect that your future DIL may have BPD traits? It certainly sounds as if she was quite sensitive to feelings of rejection. What have you considered so far that may help you to see your grandson again? Here is a link that may provide some helpful tips for you.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

 
Wools

[Inapickle]

My son came to me a few months after dating the girl and telling me he was thinking of breaking up with her because he thought she was bipolar. The next thing I knew he came to me to tell me she was pregnant and she wanted to keep the child. He was having some difficulty with their relationship so I sent them to the family psychologist I was seeing. They went a couple of times and she did not want to continue. It was the psychologist who mentioned it could be bipolar and/or BPD. I did some reading and may have been in denial to a degree but After this Mother's Day I have no doubt my possible future DIL has BPD. I do not know what her family knows or doesn't. My son does not want us to talk to them about it. I have contemplated sending her a text to validate her feelings about MD event gone bad. Still working on what to say as to try to open door to be able to get back to seeing grandson. Open to any suggestions.

[Harri]

Hi inapickle and welcome.  I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing. 

I would suggest posting any possible messages to your future DIL here before sending.  We can help you brainstorm and check to make sure you Don't Jade or invalidate like Wools mentioned.  Sometimes the way we normally say things will come off as invalidating when speaking with a pwBPD. 

What do you want to say?

Could their not talking with you possibly be due to something else?