I'm back: biggest worry is how this will affect kids long term

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all -

I used to visit this site more regularly several years ago.  Things have never been perfect but I felt I was using the tools and they were as good as the would be, which ranged from great to pretty bad.  As the kids are grow we face new challenges over time. I would say our lows are not nearly as low as they used to be, nor do they last as long.  Still, sometimes they throw me - a particularly cutting remark, or a concern I have for the kids.  I think that is my main concern - the kids - especially as we enter the teenage years.  Trying to understand when a conflict becomes destructive, how to help de-escalate when I can... .I feel sometimes that I'm not allowed to have the normal stresses of parenting/job/family because when I react it triggers her - and I get that - but it is tiring and when she gets triggered, it can suck the enjoyment out of what would have been a nice day very quickly.  Even using communication tools well - like DEARMAN or SET - it can take hours for things to normalize. The kids have seen this many times over, and have adopted their own methods of coping, I've noticed. They are all brilliant in many ways, but my biggest worry is how this will affect them long term.

So, that's where we are at and why I'm back.  So glad this forum still exists - a huge thank you to all who manage and participate in it.

[graceworks]

Hello all -

I used to visit this site more regularly several years ago.  Things have never been perfect but I felt I was using the tools and they were as good as the would be, which ranged from great to pretty bad.  As the kids are grow we face new challenges over time. I would say our lows are not nearly as low as they used to be, nor do they last as long.  Still, sometimes they throw me - a particularly cutting remark, or a concern I have for the kids.  I think that is my main concern - the kids - especially as we enter the teenage years.  Trying to understand when a conflict becomes destructive, how to help de-escalate when I can... .I feel sometimes that I'm not allowed to have the normal stresses of parenting/job/family because when I react it triggers her - and I get that - but it is tiring and when she gets triggered, it can suck the enjoyment out of what would have been a nice day very quickly.  Even using communication tools well - like DEARMAN or SET - it can take hours for things to normalize. The kids have seen this many times over, and have adopted their own methods of coping, I've noticed. They are all brilliant in many ways, but my biggest worry is how this will affect them long term.

So, that's where we are at and why I'm back.  So glad this forum still exists - a huge thank you to all who manage and participate in it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Hey graceworks,

What do you currently do with regards to the kids with respects to educating them about BPD. I wrote a little bit on this post about how kids interacts with BPD and how I educate them softly about emotions.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326704.msg12980821#msg12980821

It's difficult to work out how to play it and I talk a lot with my T about how much is too much and how to approach topics. There are many hard wired default things that kids believe and use as foundations for development. Know these building blocks and teaching them to be less reliant on them can help to reduce the impact of BPD. The first one is that parents don't lie and are infallible. If your W tells the kids they are annoying little whotsits on a regular basis when she's stressed cooking dinner and they believe everything Mummy tells them.,... .guess what, they will believe that they are annoying little whotsits... .for life. Softening that link and building their confidence that they are not annoying little whotsits and sometimes Mummy says things because she's stressed she doesn't mean will lead them to doubt the things that Mummy says... .which is good. Children with BPD parents need to lean quickly that not everything that comes out of their parents mouths is true and useful... .and they need to gain the skill of critically evaluating nonsense from sense quickly. They need to gain a filter.

Have you found anything that works?

[livednlearned]

Caregiver burnout is a real thing with BPD. Taking hours to help her regulate is a testament to your patience, graceworks.

Do you have time to do things for yourself?

The kids have seen this many times over, and have adopted their own methods of coping, I've noticed.

Can you give us a few examples?

my biggest worry is how this will affect them long term.

How many kids, what ages, and what are their temperaments like?

[Skip]

The kids have seen this many times over, and have adopted their own methods of coping, I've noticed. They are all brilliant in many ways, but my biggest worry is how this will affect them long term.

I remember you! It's been a few years. Welcome back! Some of the same people you workded with are still here.  UnitedforNow went on to become a marriage and family therapist.

So, how do the children cope?