She’s with someone new.

[CryWolf]

Before I proceed to answering responses, I would like to update this post with my situation with the new girl.

We got together Monday. Wanted my things back and she wanted me to stay at work with her. Flirted and talked until she got off work. She did the whole “you’re so smart, charming, husband material” thing. Got dinner after she got off work, held hands and all that. 2 days later she got mad over something I posted which I think she was just looking st an excuse to get mad at me. We talked it out. Next day I asked her for a confirmation date we talked about on Monday. She said no. Then a few hours later I seen that she’s blocked me everywhere. She was going to ghosting me. I messaged her on Facebook and she apologized and said we need to stop talking and “this is what she does”.

I went on to blame myself the next day, but then something clicked where I can’t even blame myself or get mad. Yea I’m mad I got ghosted because it’s  very immature way to handle things. But she showed me her true colors. And whether whatever her reason was, it’s never right to ghost someone. We had a great time together. She was incredibly fun and charming and amazing on every level.

But so is every new person you date. They put the best versions of themselves for you to see. It’s like going to a car dealership. They showcase the best cars in the front and the used ones no one cares for and overlooks for in the back.

This girl was no saint. She had a lot of red flags and I knew it going in. But I wanted something new and wanted to feel something new. Essentially, I did. It helped me move on from my exBPD. Although not 100% but significantly I’m in a better place than where I was a few months ago. I got my confident back.

If I can get a girls number whose so stunningly gorgeous and is interested in me, imagine what I can do next. It’s hard to think of meeting someone new for a lot of you, but trust me there will Be someone who knocks your socks off.

This girl did that with me. We had so much more in common than I did with my ex. I wasn’t judged or mocked for being me. I didn’t have to cater to her needs and i learned so much from my past relationship that helped me in this one.

I was trying to run through every scenario possible on why she showed interest again after she said her ex came back. I wondered if she only said that to get rid of me or he actually did come back. I tried finding solutions on why she ghosted me. But you can’t understsnd why a person does something, you just have to accept it.

I was telling myself oh she ghosted me because her ex, or her feelings were too strong and she couldn’t handle it. Etc etc. it can go on and on and I can drive myself crazy. But no I won’t. I’m tired of driving myself crazy for someone.

I tried finding things I did wrong. But I absolutely didn’t. Each encounter she invited me, she wanted to see me. She chased me. I didn’t over text. I didn’t over pursue. She told me she liked and loved me first. She told me she wanted me to her family. I jus went with it. Every time she had attitude I didn’t try to fix things. I let her come to me. With my ex, I used to run at her disposable because that’s what i thought Love was. But nah it wasn’t. It has to be mutual.

This girl ghosted me. It sucks. But it’s a reflection of who she is, not who I am. I only showed her compassion, sympathy, happiness. She told me she never felt so happy in so long until with me. Maybe this was a lie? Maybe it wasn’t. But I’ll just take it as face value.

Often, we set up situations that replay similar feelings so that we attempt to "right" what went wrong when we were helpless children. Do you think that could be playing a role in your romantic relationships?

Maybe. The girls I apparently go after all have major depression. They come out of abusive relationships. And then I come along and Try to shoW them there is better and I’m the best option, etc. I do the charming routine. I guess I enjoy the chase and want to show them there is better. I don’t do this consciously,or look for broken girls.

 But I’m done fixing. I’m done trying to win and chase people. I am who I am, and I am working on being that best version. This girl allowed me to get my confidence back. I feel so confident and better in myself than I did in so long. Although the relationship failed. I am eternally grateful it happened. I’m sure she must feel the same in some way. Maybe she’s just not ready to leave her toxic relationship yet and that’s okay. I was in that position before too. People have their own timelines. It sucks.

Timing sucks but it’s eveything.  Being ghosted sucks too. But it’s not your fault.

I hope my story can help some of you in anyway.

Enjoy being alone and doing things alone. It’s  so empowering.

[CryWolf]

I have been having thoughts about my exBPD lately. They come and go. I miss her, but I can control the temptations and snap out of it better now. I wish I could check up on her but she's with someone new now. Im not 100% sure on it, but im assuming its true. And its better this way. My female friend, who was her classmate ( the one she hates and accused me of having something with) told me she overheard my ex mention in class out loud how she doesnt want to pursue her career choice anymore. I told my friend not to tell me because I dont want anymore connection, because it will only make me care and think about her.

I miss talking to her and hearing her voice and all that. But this is all selfish of me, because I need to respect her decision even if it means it hurts me. Her being happy even if it hurts me, is what love is I believe. I learned to let it go. I learned to accept everything going on. Sadly, I wish BPD never existed. Its not ___ing fair. It's sad, and life works in mysterious ways... Lately, I start to see how things are connected and how they affect everything in different ways.

I miss my ex, she unblocked me on snap because when i tried adding my coworker from my contacts list, i saw her name there... And before it wasnt there. and I saw she read my fb messages I sent a while ago which she ignored for so long. Oh well. Im going to continue living my life day by day and be a better me.

I miss her, but its normal to miss someone. I hope shes happy in life.

just wanted to share. thanks

[Turkish]

It's definitely normal to miss someone CW... .I'm glad that you are at this place.  It can be hard to accept our own feelings,  validating ourselves,  I like to think.  I've been there too.

Are you ready to move over to the Learning board to discuss this more?

[CryWolf]

It's definitely normal to miss someone CW... .I'm glad that you are at this place.  It can be hard to accept our own feelings,  validating ourselves,  I like to think.  I've been there too.

Are you ready to move over to the Learning board to discuss this more?

Hey bud thank you for your kind words.
Also, I have a post there as well if you’d like to check out. I wasn’t sure to post on this one or that one

[once removed]

2 days later she got mad over something I posted which I think she was just looking st an excuse to get mad at me. We talked it out. Next day I asked her for a confirmation date we talked about on Monday. She said no. Then a few hours later I seen that she’s blocked me everywhere. She was going to ghosting me. I messaged her on Facebook and she apologized and said we need to stop talking and “this is what she does”.

I went on to blame myself the next day, but then something clicked where I can’t even blame myself or get mad. Yea I’m mad I got ghosted because it’s  very immature way to handle things. But she showed me her true colors. And whether whatever her reason was, it’s never right to ghost someone.

i mentioned this in your other thread: a lot happened in between, and im not sure about your read on this. i dont think she was afraid of her feelings or getting too close. i dont think it was about the ex. i think the post she got mad about was a catalyst, and a sign to back way off. you dialed it up. a person in that position will feel cornered or threatened and cut off contact, or lash out, or both.

she liked the cool and confident CryWolf, and i suspect most girls would. "husband material" is a huge compliment from the opposite sex.

but two girls have seen another side of CryWolf, the pushy one that overpursues, and it makes them feel uncomfortable, maybe even unsafe. this isnt something you were born with, like your looks or your sense of humor, its a bad habit entirely within your control.

Maybe. The girls I apparently go after all have major depression. They come out of abusive relationships. And then I come along and Try to shoW them there is better and I’m the best option, etc. I do the charming routine. I guess I enjoy the chase and want to show them there is better. I don’t do this consciously,or look for broken girls.

and now im gonna kind of go the other way here, because i think this is very worth examining. not necessarily in the context of why this relationship didnt work out, but in the broader context of the kinds of partners we choose/gravitate to, and switching gears to a healthier model.

the last girl i saw had very different values than mine, and (not judging) a very different lifestyle and i found myself questioning why i was pursuing her. i also over pursued and pushed her away, and then i turned around and said "see! she wasnt right for me from the beginning!". i think these are two entirely different lessons, with something to be gained from each, but important to keep separate.

youve got a good start on your own "dance" here in terms of how you attract mates and how you want to approach it differently in the future. good. but now, do tell us more about this girls particular red flags if you will.

[CryWolf]

I guess my initial question is, After I came off too strong, and pushed her away. Do you think it’s salvadgable? I guess what I’m looking for deep down here is a answer that will soothe my anxiety... but knowing it’s an “I don’t know answer”

Doing the radio silent thing now, and hopefully me being needy the last day doesn’t kill her interpretation of me. Ugh.

As for the red flags,

She got out of a relationship, and she was posting some stuff about it on Snapchat before we dated. She never wanted to talk about it.

She was texting someone named “daddy”
I joked with her about having a sugar daddy. And She also told me the first date she has a sugar daddy and I wasn’t wrong. She was hoenst about it and asked me if I Judge her or If I wanna stop talking she would understand. She told me the agreement was she listens to his problems while he pays for things. No sex involved. However, looking back now. Having your own apt in the city, 2018 high end car, and getting cash doesn’t involve just talking. And she told me how she wanted to stop but the ex saw how much she was getting and made her start again and he would wait outside datesand then they would split the money.

Other things are, she never wanted to take pics. She didn’t want her face shown, and she only posted me the first date and after that nothing else. She told me she was gonna talk to her ex again, but then still flirted with me.

We had a million things alike though. I also told her I can’t givd her that lavish lifestyle and she told me she’s only doing it to pay for school and she put herself back in work and is going to move back home when the lease is down.

She was a very great person and caring, but I’m sure she had the reasons to do what she did and honestly I’m not mad. I’m mad about being blocked but I’m sure she had to do it if she wanted her relationship to work. She did tell me she liked me a lot and I made her so happy. Whether it was a lie or not, I’ll never know. But on those moments I was happy. And that’s what matters in my opinion.

[once removed]

Do you think it’s salvadgable?

its possible. i would think that you would have heard from her by now.

if part of whats driving you is that youre kicking yourself, youll get another shot (a million of them). i dont hear anything about this relationship that is worth investing more in.

She got out of a relationship, and she was posting some stuff about it on Snapchat before we dated. She never wanted to talk about it.

well, she told you he was overbearing to the point that she had to hide other people (which she goes along with), she was posting about it on snapchat (she wasnt over it), and she told you about charges of domestic violence with them both. what more did you need to know 

She was texting someone named “daddy”
I joked with her about having a sugar daddy. And She also told me the first date she has a sugar daddy and I wasn’t wrong. She was hoenst about it and asked me if I Judge her or If I wanna stop talking she would understand. She told me the agreement was she listens to his problems while he pays for things. No sex involved. However, looking back now. Having your own apt in the city, 2018 high end car, and getting cash doesn’t involve just talking. And she told me how she wanted to stop but the ex saw how much she was getting and made her start again and he would wait outside datesand then they would split the money.

i try not to judge, but i think this is an obvious relationship warning sign if youre the kind of person who would be uncomfortable with that arrangement as her exclusive boyfriend.

and in a broader sense, you have to decide if you can lower your expectations and investment enough if you know that the relationship doesnt have long term potential, not react, not get caught up, and just have fun. personally, its not worked for me, but it works for plenty of others.

Other things are, she never wanted to take pics. She didn’t want her face shown, and she only posted me the first date and after that nothing else.

not enough to go on here. could have been nervous about the ex. could have been self conscious, could be both.

my personal opinion is that a "red flag" is "i like to punch babies/animals" or "i shot my ex husband" or "i do drugs all day long" or "i have cheated on every one of my partners". most of the stuff we are talking about when we refer to "red flags" are things that conflict with our values, or our lifestyle, are a warning that the relationship has a short lifespan, that sort of thing. those things are worth paying clear attention to (and i think the girl youre describing had her share), but theyre not really threats to our safety and dont necessarily mean anything unless we are trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. i think dating is about heeding those signs yes, but i think its more about directing our attention to what we want in a partner. the stuff we dont want just gets screened out as a result.

picking up on what heartandwhole said, a lot of us have some deep wounds, we have fears and coping styles that form around those wounds, and we often enter into relationships in order to heal from them and experience a different outcome, and the tragic thing is that we often choose partners where we simply replay our wounds every time. the good news is that yes, its a cycle that can be broken, and we can heal those wounds.

i know you mentioned youve discussed some of your family dynamics with your therapist. have you brought any of this up?

[Shawnlam]

I guess my initial question is, After I came off too strong, and pushed her away. Do you think it’s salvadgable? I guess what I’m looking for deep down here is a answer that will soothe my anxiety... but knowing it’s an “I don’t know answer”

Doing the radio silent thing now, and hopefully me being needy the last day doesn’t kill her interpretation of me. Ugh.

As for the red flags,

She got out of a relationship, and she was posting some stuff about it on Snapchat before we dated. She never wanted to talk about it.

She was texting someone named “daddy”
I joked with her about having a sugar daddy. And She also told me the first date she has a sugar daddy and I wasn’t wrong. She was hoenst about it and asked me if I Judge her or If I wanna stop talking she would understand. She told me the agreement was she listens to his problems while he pays for things. No sex involved. However, looking back now. Having your own apt in the city, 2018 high end car, and getting cash doesn’t involve just talking. And she told me how she wanted to stop but the ex saw how much she was getting and made her start again and he would wait outside datesand then they would split the money.

Other things are, she never wanted to take pics. She didn’t want her face shown, and she only posted me the first date and after that nothing else. She told me she was gonna talk to her ex again, but then still flirted with me.

We had a million things alike though. I also told her I can’t givd her that lavish lifestyle and she told me she’s only doing it to pay for school and she put herself back in work and is going to move back home when the lease is down.

She was a very great person and caring, but I’m sure she had the reasons to do what she did and honestly I’m not mad. I’m mad about being blocked but I’m sure she had to do it if she wanted her relationship to work. She did tell me she liked me a lot and I made her so happy. Whether it was a lie or not, I’ll never know. But on those moments I was happy. And that’s what matters in my opinion.

Hey bud ,I’m gonna squeeze in my two cents here as both our ex’s have similar backgrounds.My ex was an escort in her past, pretty much what yours is doing with her sugar daddy.Now in all fairness it’s not our business what they decide to do with themselves past ,present or future ! However it is something to contemplate on what you can accept for you and by that I mean what can you live with.As per once removed’s comment can you live with a woman who most likely doesn’t possess the capacity to be a one man woman? I know mine wasn’t and still isn’t hence another reason why I’ve refrained ( with great trouble) from texting her. You must remember before you hit that send button she will not change for you, she may not even see a reason to change honestly no matter how much “we” think their lifestyles are destructive ... .it’s not our business .Yes it hurts to see beautiful friendly ,loving woman donthis to themselves but we are not put here to fix them , guide them,or try to change them.Accepting who they are and not being exclusive are the best we are gonna get , can you truely handle that? And even then from what I’ve witnessed, even giving in to all that doesn’t garantie happiness because they may have their doubts .I know my ex always kept saying “what do you see in me,you can do so much better,ugh you kill me you are so forbidden”.My personal opinion on what she meant is she doubts or doesn’t understand why I accept her past and the things she did , frankly because they don’t understand love.
With that said I’ve known 3 escorts in my life (none which I’ve used for their services btw) ! Two from highschool I grew up with and my exGF with BPD.The one thing they all have in common, they don’t love themselves,all been highly sexual in not so good ways,heavy substance abusers, they use their bodies as if it was nothing for them.Where I’m going with this is how can you expect to be loved by someone who doesn’t love themselves ? My opinion : revise how deep you wanna go here and pay attention to your own feelings because the emotional beating you will probably take will out weight any long term good gains .The white knight in you is strong bro but it doesn’t work in the long run if anything it chases them away.