Introduction, need some insight...Do I tell her I suspect BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

my wife hasn't been diagnosed (she refuses to see a doctor or go to therapy after being severely depressed for the last year), but after a common friend suggested to me that she may have BPD, I have been reading about it and I'm pretty convinced at this point that he's right.

Should I, and if yes how do I, approach her and suggest that she may have BPD and should seek therapy?

Since she doesn't want to go to therapy for herself and doesn't want to go to couple therapy either, I feel like I will have to leave and she'll have to just keep suffering. I love her and I want her to be happy in her life, with or without me. I fear that if I told her "I think you have BPD" she would just take it as a personal attack, would never trust me again, and would be even less likely to seek help.

What do you think? Is there a way to approach her that would be helpful to her, or should I give up and just hope that someday she will be free from this life of suffering?

[Wallis]

Hello,

my wife hasn't been diagnosed (she refuses to see a doctor or go to therapy after being severely depressed for the last year), but after a common friend suggested to me that she may have BPD, I have been reading about it and I'm pretty convinced at this point that he's right.

Should I, and if yes how do I, approach her and suggest that she may have BPD and should seek therapy?

Since she doesn't want to go to therapy for herself and doesn't want to go to couple therapy either, I feel like I will have to leave and she'll have to just keep suffering. I love her and I want her to be happy in her life, with or without me. I fear that if I told her "I think you have BPD" she would just take it as a personal attack, would never trust me again, and would be even less likely to seek help.

What do you think? Is there a way to approach her that would be helpful to her, or should I give up and just hope that someday she will be free from this life of suffering?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hello Wallis,



There is some information here on this topic:

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

The standard notion is that it's probably not be a good idea to tell someone about it. In my case, before I found this site, I told my partner I suspected this diagnosis. He agreed, then disagreed, then agreed, then disagreed... .etc.  

Take a read and then let us know what you think!

with compassion, pearl.

[Wallis]

Thank you, that is helpful.

I have already suggested going to therapy as a couple for the sake of our relationship, but she has refused so far.

I have started therapy for myself, both to help me recover from what has happened to me, and to help me heal from whatever issues I have that may have contributed to me getting into this situation and not even noticing until my "self" was eroded down to nothing.

It seems at this point that my only option is to work on myself, perhaps leave if that's what necessary, and just hope that she will decide to go to therapy at some point.

I do plan to listen to her and be as compassionate as I can, I want to do all I am able to do to help her. But I also need to stop enabling her, as that may be the only way to get her to decide that she needs professional help.

I am hurt, but above all, it just saddens me that she has to suffer even more than I do.

[pearlsw]

Hi Wallis,

I can relate. It has been horrible to watch my SO suffer over the years. It's been even more horrible how his behavior affected me and led me to cause him even more pain. It all seems so unnecessary, this much pain.

Don't be too discouraged though! You can gain a lot by working on yourself. As you work your way through the lessons here at some point you will reach the concept of Radical Acceptance and it may help you find some more peace.

Can you tell us what some of the typical day to day problems are?

Maybe folks can offer some perspective... .

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

You might also find this helpful: How To Get a Loved One Into Therapy

[Wallis]

We haven't had sex in a year and I've been sleeping on the couch since September. She mostly avoids talking to me. I've heard "if you leave me I will be destroyed" and "leave me alone!" a million times. Until I found out about BPD I thought I was crazy. She kept saying that she loves me and I felt hated instead. She needs me but she keeps pushing me away more and more... .right now I feel that we are less than roommates.

I take care of all the chores and her kids (from previous relationships). I now realize I've been enabling her. I don't know yet how to stop without hurting the kids in the process and hurting her more than she's already hurting.

We met online and had a long distance relationship before getting married. I feel that she was only happy with me when I was on the other side of the world, but of course she tells me the exact opposite.

[pearlsw]

Hi Wallis,

Sad and sorry to hear about all you've been dealing with at home! A year on a couch does not sound fun - not to mention all that housework! 

How are you feeling now? Still have the urge to tell her about BPD? Feel like you might want to learn some of the skills here to try to improve things or at least not make them worse?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

Hi Wallis

Welcome!  I come here to get help with my uBPD girlfriend who currently lives in a group home a few hours away. I understand completely how you just want to help your wife and hopefully make your life better in the process. I did tell my gf I think she's borderline but she already has so many diagnoses (bipolar, ADHD, schitzoaffective) mine hardly registered.

So how does your wife weasle her way out of doing her fair share of housework and child care?

I look forward to hearing more.