Ghosting /silent treatment. Protection or punishment

[WomanSweptAway]

My boyfriend or ex boyfriend more likely, sometimes used silent treatment when he was upset over something. With that I mean he stopped reply messages and phone calls, normally we wrote several times a day.  Or met of course. That could be for a half or full day, the silent treatment.

But a few months ago he ghosted me totally. He stopped answer, did not reply calls or opened the door.  and days passed and weeks passed and months passed. Before he was upset and feeling bad, had a lot of problems with ocd that he said was worse when we had argued or met. Anyway, he wrote a few Days Before ghosting,  that
 it is time for me to learn to take the consequences for my behavior

This has been painful and I saw it as him breaking up without telling me. But he never replied to those questions neither.
Suddenly I now got in contact with him again.
He said he had do break all Contact with me in order to get well and get well from ocd, that he could not even write to me and say that.

My question is now. Could this be true? Is ghosting always used as a way to protect themselfes and avoid conflict as he says, or could it have been that he sort of wanted to punish me?  Because we have disussed how devastating it was for me when he broke Communication, and we promised to never do it...

I dont know how to react to this. It almost broke me down.
I dont know what happens now. We are suopposed to have anoter talk - I guess  to discuss or Close our relation.

And I dont know how to deal with this 3 months ghosting after a several years long relation.

[formflier]

I'm glad you have found bpdfamily so you can chat about this stuff with people that understand.

Broadly... .I'll say that when people decide (for whatever reason) that they can't talk to you (especially "disordered" people)... .it's usually a good idea to believe them.

I'm assuming that you have not been pestering him for responses and doing your own thing... is that right?

There are many disastrous stories on these boards where people "demand closure" and keep pestering... and eventually the pwBPD "blows up" and something bad happens.

Still... your feelings are obviously hurt... .and rightly so.  What have you been doing to care for yourself?

FF

[WomanSweptAway]

I'm assuming that you have not been pestering him for responses and doing your own thing... is that right?

FF

THANKS!
Well... .I did send texts like every 3:d week begged for answers. I dont understand, are you angry, are we over? Pls just give me 5 minutes on phone or text a reply. I guess I did not help. But to sit here in panic and he is home a few blocks away. I could easily walk over . But I only did that once. I would not stalk him like that.

So I could not leave him alone. Cause I did not understand, from everyday contact to this.
I have developed such dependence on him to be happy. It is not good. I know.

Well as we finally talked again, but short,  I am much calmer. If this is a break up, like I assume he meant, I will accept that. But I could not find reason or acceptance when he just turned silent, and I actually saw him ín the street and our kids gamed online. So I was constantly reminded. Thought he was punishing me one day. Thought he was in pain and needed me the other day. Thought he found someone new next day. Thought I did wrong and needed to apologize next day. And it all started over again.

Well what did I do. I Went to therapy. Cried, wrote in my book, tried to work, googled like crazy on internet, read and analyzed over and over again our chat history. Blamed myself for the times he was jealous, blamed myself for Everything he had claimed me to be in a negative way. Well I tried to do things out. But he was in my mind 24/7.
Now I finally have hope to accept things. But I still wonder, the ghosting, dont they understand how terrible it is?
Maybe he wanted me to suffer? Or maybe he could not care about that.
Well I guess I will never understand, but I will not dive into that. I will try to find a way how we can interact or not interact in the future. 
Will try to overcome this. I am afraid I will miss him like insane again and go under. But at least a clear rejection is better than just disappearing like a ghost and never ever explain. If he would want to start over... .then I am in trouble, my heart  would feel so happy again but my mind tells me no. I dont Think I would ever feel safe with him again.

I have understood that ghosting is not uncommon in BPD. I hope this was my only experience of that.

[formflier]

What you did (reaching out) was perfectly natural and reasonable.  Most likely you didn't full understand the dysfunctional dynamics he swept up in.

Push pull (you can google it)... .is most likely a good description.

I want to give you some "big picture" assurances in hopes that you won't "take this ghosting personally".

1.  Guys in general... .don't do "closure".  Women tend to want to do "closure". 

2.  Once you add in BPD/dysfunctional thinking... the tendency to not do "closure" is worse.

So sorry you had to go through this... but at least now you know it's not about you.   

What are your thoughts about the way forward?  What can you do to be extra kind to yourself!

FF

[WomanSweptAway]

What you did (reaching out) was perfectly natural and reasonable.  Most likely you didn't full understand the dysfunctional dynamics he swept up in.

Push pull (you can google it)... .is most likely a good description.

I want to give you some "big picture" assurances in hopes that you won't "take this ghosting personally".

1.  Guys in general... .don't do "closure".  Women tend to want to do "closure". 

2.  Once you add in BPD/dysfunctional thinking... the tendency to not do "closure" is worse.

So sorry you had to go through this... but at least now you know it's not about you.   

What are your thoughts about the way forward?  What can you do to be extra kind to yourself!

FF

Thanks. I actually got a text with break up message. He was sad but he could not handle any turbulent relationships now. We did have problems (trust issues, jealousy, worrying about abandonment)
Se this was  sort of closure.
And I dont Think he meant to punish me. But this ghosting was horrible.
So I now need to work with the fact I lost the love of my Life,and I dont know how I could have stopped it.  I feel scared, alone,  dont want to Believe it, miss him, long for him, heartbroken, cant see a way to be happy without him. And also very difficult thoughts, about maybe I am not that good person I thought I was, then he would have stayed.

Thanks for being out there.