Thank you for the warm welcome everyone. I think I need validation from people who understand how it feels to come out of denial or repression about the dysfunction of a family of origin. Here's my story:
After spending a week at an intensive leadership event with process groups led by psychotherapists, I was surprised by the intense emotions I had when I shared about the guilt I felt about keeping a family secret from my sister whose husband made unwanted sexual advances on my other sister 20 years ago. My parents confronted him, sort of, but never followed up, never kept up with his recovery or made sure he was in recovery. They did take my other sister to counseling once or twice, but I question the efficacy of it now that I have completed graduate work in a respected counseling program and through my 12 step work and experiences. My parents and my brother in-law decided for the family that it would not help his wife to know about the incident.
Throughout my adult years, I protested and thought my sister had the right to know but I didn't have the courage to tell her myself, and now I see the manipulation I succumbed to from my mother and my brother-in-law to keep it a secret. The rare family get-togethers we had (we live in different states) were uncomfortable and inauthentic mixed with some fun traditions.
Add to the mix, the fact that we were in a church, by many definitions actually a cult, where appearance was everything and truth was often buried. I was the only family member out of a large extended family not to join that church, and as strange as it may sound, I now believe my relationship with my God gave me the strength and resources to leave the church. Back then, mother didn't like that at all, and I felt her disapproval and withdrawal - although there wasn't a lot of relationship to withdraw from if I'm being honest.
Eventually my parents and the rest of my family left the cult as well, physically but none of them sought recovery from the spiritual abuse nor for their own issues. Now, I believe they left it mainly because my mother no longer had control there and damaged all the relationships. My dad has clinical depression and hasn't treated it since my early teen years because he doesn't like the side effects. My mother, who has tremendous influence/control over him, doesn't use her influence to get him into therapy or on meds. I'm beginning to see why, the more I learn about BPD and Narcissistic behavior.
After the weeklong intensive leadership process groups, I sought therapy again to know what to do next. I couldn't speak with my sister on the phone without crying. My therapist was wise not to recommend I tell my parents that I was going to tell my sister the truth about the secret. Out of a sense of loyalty, I met with them and told them I wasn't asking their permission, but wanted them to know I was going to tell her the truth. I also told my other sister who was the one the sexual advances happened to, and her immediate reaction was that she didn't care. Mother dissociated and said, "We're never going to get past this are we?" and walked off like a zombie. She and my sister talked about me on their way home and decided that I have anxiety and depression. My counselor disagreed with their "expert diagnosis". My mother told me the next time she called to tell me I was being duped by counselors. My sister tried to stop me. My father tried to stop me. My mother worked for my husband at the time and she became worse and worse with relationships at work too. That Christmas I saw most of them when they visited our area and we met for lunch and a movie. My siblings looked at me like I was a fragile piece of china and talked to me like I was a child. I could only laugh and mother looked pleased at their cautious treatment of me, like there was something really really wrong with me. By the end of the lunch, my siblings seemed less tentative and I felt victorious. The experience still hurt deeply.
Without my therapist's help, I would have been devastated by their response and wonder if I could have told the truth. Mother started blaming and gaslighting and silent treatment, withdrawal, confrontational texts, shaming, exclusion, playing the victim, etc. Again, with my therapist, I drafted what to say to my sister who didn't know about her husband. In January of 2017 after multiple attempts to travel to meet her face to face (her husband kept saying the dates wouldn't work), I called my sister and tearfully told her what I knew of the event that had happened over 20 years ago and asked her forgiveness for not telling her then. Her initial response was to see a therapist and confront her husband, but by the end of the weekend, she had taken "sides" with my mother. My sister texted me to say that our parents did the right thing by not telling her. I read her words and I could hear my mother saying them.
Since that time, I have been in weekly therapy with a fantastic therapist. In August of 2017, after months of silent treatment and awkward interactions, my mother texted me in a very clearly unsafe and forceful tone that we need to talk. I set a limit and said I was not ready yet, and that I am in a season of reflection, etc. - words carefully chosen by me and my therapist. Her response was to quit working for my husband the next day after 10 years (and now her cruelty to people at work has come to light). She and my dad starting being forceful in wanting to see my kids for birthdays and I chose a safe place to meet them where we could get in and get out, with my strong husband there to protect me.
Then they began physically withdrawing when they I wouldn't meet them where they wanted or do the activities they wanted. When I'd call my father to say hello or check-in he could be funny and at ease. But the last time we talked he called me back and wanted a father to daughter talk. It was horrible, and I felt like I did when I was a kid. Shamed, blamed, and controlled. At least at the beginning of the conversation, when I could hear my mother in his words. Then he would soften as I continued to say that I wasn't ready yet and that I love her, etc. Even after that call, I asked if they could meet that weekend for my daughter's birthday. We did meet, and he was nice enough, but mother was silent, cold, distant, except to the grandkids. She did not answer my questions about what she's doing in her retirement, although I had heard elsewhere that she's homeschooling my sister's kids via skype (the one who had unwanted sexual advances from my brother-in-law). My husband and I went on a 20th anniversary trip out of the country recently and I texted my parents before I left the name of our sitter and to let them know we were going to be gone. Neither of them responded.
Prior to that, I sent gifts and cards (at the urging of my therapist and very hard for me to do) every week to mother when she thought she might have cancer (come to find out later cancer was extremely unlikely but she kept me hanging for 2 months). I had a mother's day rose bush delivered for her and she didn't respond about that either. My therapist said that my mother is ramping up, and I need to do grief work again. I am on Step 4 in the yellow workbook from Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families with a friend and attend meetings occasionally, along with weekly therapy. I need to connect with a community of people who understand the specific dysfunction well, and don't say things that just heighten my false guilt nor encourage me to put my heart in danger. I need validation. I need identification - to read your experience and know I'm not the only one. I need affirmation that I am doing the right thing by stepping back from the relationship. I need understanding. Hence joining this message board and looking to be on this journey with you all.
The biggest thing I struggle with is integrating the good and bad in my mother right now. Things keep coming to light and it's painful. I think I need affirmation that I have the right to be angry and have space for a time until I can heal.
Thanks for reading my story, if you made it this far!
