I need help with this...(sigh)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sibling is married to a woman with all the signs of BPD, though there is no "official" diagnosis.  This week- while he was in the hospital awaiting surgery, she called and asked me to intercede on HER behalf with my brother. Handing him the phone, he said to me " Call security and have her removed. She came in her ranting about ( blah, blah, blah)." Okay. So suddenly, I'm in THIS thing.  My brief conversation with her shortly after ended ( as always) in a veiled suicide threat ( on her part- not mine.  Look, I am NOT a trained mental health professional or a suicide hotline counselor. These episodes affect me for DAYS.  I am FURIOUS at her manipulations- but also genuinely concerned that she will do harm to herself or to my brother. He would be heartbroken to lose the woman he loves, and I would feel like we failed to do the ONE thing that might have gotten her the help she needs. ( We've tried- but despite several incidents that led to 5150 psychiatric holds she has eluded capture(!) and any long-term treatment).   It should also be noted that my brother is on the spectrum- he's a very intelligent man with some Asberger's social challenges, which doesn't make the situation any easier.  I purchased copies of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for each of my siblings,  so we could address the problem and offer some support to my brother, but 2 years later- I'm the only one in the family who's cracked the cover. Can anybody offer me some soothing words of wisdom?

[broadsword]

My sibling is married to a woman with all the signs of BPD, though there is no "official" diagnosis.  This week- while he was in the hospital awaiting surgery, she called and asked me to intercede on HER behalf with my brother. Handing him the phone, he said to me " Call security and have her removed. She came in her ranting about ( blah, blah, blah)." Okay. So suddenly, I'm in THIS thing.  My brief conversation with her shortly after ended ( as always) in a veiled suicide threat ( on her part- not mine.  Look, I am NOT a trained mental health professional or a suicide hotline counselor. These episodes affect me for DAYS.  I am FURIOUS at her manipulations- but also genuinely concerned that she will do harm to herself or to my brother. He would be heartbroken to lose the woman he loves, and I would feel like we failed to do the ONE thing that might have gotten her the help she needs. ( We've tried- but despite several incidents that led to 5150 psychiatric holds she has eluded capture(!) and any long-term treatment).   It should also be noted that my brother is on the spectrum- he's a very intelligent man with some Asberger's social challenges, which doesn't make the situation any easier.  I purchased copies of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for each of my siblings,  so we could address the problem and offer some support to my brother, but 2 years later- I'm the only one in the family who's cracked the cover. Can anybody offer me some soothing words of wisdom?

[Frankee]

It is never easy seeing a loved one in such a difficult situation.  I went from being totally engrossed and fully believing every mean and nasty thing my BPD husband has said to me, to having more clarity, seeing a counselor, putting a stop to the behavior towards me among many things. 

Unfortunately, neither one will change unless they really want to.  May not be exactly comforting words, but it is the reality of the situation.  I am by no means saying not to try.   Don't blame yourself for her not taking the help that you all have tried to give.  That is her decision and nobody elses.

I left my bph for a month, came back after much convincing he would change.  3 months passed and very little changed.  So I left another two weeks to my parents after telling him I was leaving him... Again.  We have been together 5 1/2 years.

I am in a much better place with him.  It was only after very painful experiences, serious heartache, and suicidal thoughts.  I reached out to friends, family, and various hotlines.  Your brother may be in for a difficult journey.  Just being there for him and offering support is probably the best thing you can do.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  We have several posters dealing with in-laws with BPD so you are in the right place for support and understanding.  I am glad you posted.

Has your brother had his surgery?  Is he okay? 

These episodes affect me for DAYS.  I am FURIOUS at her manipulations- but also genuinely concerned that she will do harm to herself or to my brother. He would be heartbroken to lose the woman he loves, and I would feel like we failed to do the ONE thing that might have gotten her the help she needs.

I understand these episodes are emotionally draining and I imagine they are incredibly frustrating when doing the right thing (involving the authorities who are trained to handle these things) do not work or result in any improvements.  Unfortunately the person has to recognize they need help and want to work on getting better. 

It is the same way with your other siblings.  If they don't want to see the problem or learn how to support your brother, there is little you can do to involve them.  The good news is that you can focus on learning about the disorder to help you understand the behaviors of your SIL and learn to emotionally distance yourself from the situation.  I imagine that sounds impossible, but it can happen.  We also have communication and coping strategies that you can use to help you stay out of the drama of your brother and his relationship with his wife.

It is wonderful that you want to be supportive of your brother and he is lucky to have you.  You can benefit most by taking care of yourself.

If you look over on the right side of the page you will see links.  Under the heading of Lesson, you will find some great information that can explain a lot.  We also have a Library section that contains many more articles.  Check out the Tools and Skills Workshop

I am unsure of which specific articles to recommend for you to read but as you share more information we can better direct you.

Again, I am glad you joined us and I hope to hear more from you soon.

[Turkish]

My son has ASD1, what they used to call Asperger's.  We get on fine (he is bonded better to me than his BPD-like mother). Yet we had an incident last night where I had to leave him alone to sort out his anger. He's 8, yet I wonder how he'll handle romantic relationships in the future... .

He would be heartbroken to lose the woman he loves, and I would feel like we failed to do the ONE thing that might have gotten her the help she needs

Your brother needs support, sure, but is this triangulation healthy for everybody? He could have pushed a call button to summon a nurse to call security.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi broadsword 

It’s been a little while since you first posted. How is your brother doing since his surgery? What about your SIL?

How are you doing? I understand the internal upset that happens when we are pulled into such drama/trauma. It used to take me several days to recover.

I hope you’ll pop in and update us when you have a chance, if you feel like it. We really do understand and care.

Take good care of yourself today.

L2T