Left broken, and alone. Is this normal?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I stumbled across this page while researching BPD, I am almost 100 percent certain that my sons mom has this disorder. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression type 2 a year ago but neglected treatment and refused to get help despite my constant support. We’ve had been together since 7th grade and our relationship lasted 8 years, throughout the time I’ve known her she’s always had horrible anxiety and frequent thoughts of suicide, she would hear voices in her head as well. She has always been a pathological liar, and has tremendous mood swings some days she’s wake up loving the others as if she hates me and her family, consistently changing her perception of friends, and family, and has never had the will to do anything her self, I supported her through high school and medical school because she has no motivation to do anything at all.  I had learned to live with the emotion pain and stress this relationship has caused and I truly loved her however out of the blue she decided she didn’t love me anymore and it was weird because two days before she was talking about wanting to marry me like always and almost begging me for another child, and a place of our own she expressed wanting a future. But two days later she out of the blue she sent me a text saying it wasn’t working out and she had no longer loved me? We lived together at the time and she was in the restroom when she told me this, she didn’t have the courage to tell me in person instead she texted me and then came into the room to see if I was okay. After that she became a different person she ignored me, neglected my feelings and started talking to me as if I had abused her or was dishonest to her when all I had only been was loyal and supportive. At the time I was confused by this sudden betrayal I moved out back home shortly I was devastated, on the last night there she held me crying apologizing promising she’d always be here for me no matter what. I had experienced this before with her in high school out of the blue she again texted me saying she didn’t want to be together and then I found her with another guy a day later, she came back a week later apologizing and with regret I saw this as her just cheating but for that week the way she has talked to was as if I was a monster that had did her wrong. So when she did it again I felt that maybe there was someone else I had asked her and she told me there wasn’t and that she didn’t want to explain the way she felt, so I respected it two weeks later my son stated telling me that she was doing things with another guy infront of him and I confronted her about it she told me he was lying but my sons only five and has no reason to lie. She wa still empathetic at this point apologizing and telling me it wouldn’t happen again. But a week later she had completely cut me out of her life blocking me on everything rejecting my calls and texts. When I finally got a hold of her she had completely made me out to be a bad guy telling me I didn’t treat her right and held her down in life and that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore despite the fact that we have a kid tougher I was heart broken and devestated again I felt worthless and began falling into a deep depression that I still am trying to recover from. It’s been 4 months since I’ve left  we talk here and there but her conversations hurt me and are confusing she’s madly in love with different people one after the next one week it was so and so and two weeks later now it’s this person, her perception of people and mentality seemed to have changed every week. At one point she told me not to call her for help not to tell her I miss her because she simply didn’t want to hear it or cared anymore and that I should have moved on already. We were together for 8 years she rebounded in two weeks as if I wasn’t nothing without a single thought of me she threw me and our family away like it was nothing and I’m confused and don’t know what to do, she sounds horrible to everyone I explain this too and am constantly being told I don’t deserve this but before it was this  bad I had learned how to deal with her episodes and cared and loved her unconditionally because I knew something was wrong. I still do love her she’s the mother of my child and I had always been loyal and honest to her I feel broken and confused. Is this normal can people really just wake up one day and really turn their back on family and people who have loved and supported them for years?

[somanytears]

Hello, I stumbled across this page while researching BPD, I am almost 100 percent certain that my sons mom has this disorder. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression type 2 a year ago but neglected treatment and refused to get help despite my constant support. We’ve had been together since 7th grade and our relationship lasted 8 years, throughout the time I’ve known her she’s always had horrible anxiety and frequent thoughts of suicide, she would hear voices in her head as well. She has always been a pathological liar, and has tremendous mood swings some days she’s wake up loving the others as if she hates me and her family, consistently changing her perception of friends, and family, and has never had the will to do anything her self, I supported her through high school and medical school because she has no motivation to do anything at all.  I had learned to live with the emotion pain and stress this relationship has caused and I truly loved her however out of the blue she decided she didn’t love me anymore and it was weird because two days before she was talking about wanting to marry me like always and almost begging me for another child, and a place of our own she expressed wanting a future. But two days later she out of the blue she sent me a text saying it wasn’t working out and she had no longer loved me? We lived together at the time and she was in the restroom when she told me this, she didn’t have the courage to tell me in person instead she texted me and then came into the room to see if I was okay. After that she became a different person she ignored me, neglected my feelings and started talking to me as if I had abused her or was dishonest to her when all I had only been was loyal and supportive. At the time I was confused by this sudden betrayal I moved out back home shortly I was devastated, on the last night there she held me crying apologizing promising she’d always be here for me no matter what. I had experienced this before with her in high school out of the blue she again texted me saying she didn’t want to be together and then I found her with another guy a day later, she came back a week later apologizing and with regret I saw this as her just cheating but for that week the way she has talked to was as if I was a monster that had did her wrong. So when she did it again I felt that maybe there was someone else I had asked her and she told me there wasn’t and that she didn’t want to explain the way she felt, so I respected it two weeks later my son stated telling me that she was doing things with another guy infront of him and I confronted her about it she told me he was lying but my sons only five and has no reason to lie. She wa still empathetic at this point apologizing and telling me it wouldn’t happen again. But a week later she had completely cut me out of her life blocking me on everything rejecting my calls and texts. When I finally got a hold of her she had completely made me out to be a bad guy telling me I didn’t treat her right and held her down in life and that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore despite the fact that we have a kid tougher I was heart broken and devestated again I felt worthless and began falling into a deep depression that I still am trying to recover from. It’s been 4 months since I’ve left  we talk here and there but her conversations hurt me and are confusing she’s madly in love with different people one after the next one week it was so and so and two weeks later now it’s this person, her perception of people and mentality seemed to have changed every week. At one point she told me not to call her for help not to tell her I miss her because she simply didn’t want to hear it or cared anymore and that I should have moved on already. We were together for 8 years she rebounded in two weeks as if I wasn’t nothing without a single thought of me she threw me and our family away like it was nothing and I’m confused and don’t know what to do, she sounds horrible to everyone I explain this too and am constantly being told I don’t deserve this but before it was this  bad I had learned how to deal with her episodes and cared and loved her unconditionally because I knew something was wrong. I still do love her she’s the mother of my child and I had always been loyal and honest to her I feel broken and confused. Is this normal can people really just wake up one day and really turn their back on family and people who have loved and supported them for years?

[ForeverDad]

 
You'll find that we have an immense storehouse of collective wisdom on typical acting-out PD behaviors, what typically works and what typically doesn't work, how to protect yourself and your parenting and many other ways.

When I started reading your post and you noted she had, all of a sudden, stated it was over then my first thought was she had found someone else, which your next sentences  confirmed.  This is typical BPD thinking.  Many people with BPD (pwBPD) idolize their relationships and demonize them too but then when they find someone else they dump them.  Her relationships, like your time with her, will be erratic and often short lived.  You may wish to look up lack of object constancy... .out of sight, out of mind.  That's how a pwBPd can jump from one relationship to the next without seeming to need closure or mourning a relationship loss like relatively normal people do.  They skip a lot of the Five Stages of Mourning a Relationship Loss.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering you're experiencing. It can be so disorienting to love someone with BPD, trying to make sense of the push/pull.

Does she spend any time with your son, or has she begun to distance herself from him, too?

There are specific skills needed for loving someone with BPD that are not intuitive and must be learned.

Maybe we can help you sort some of this out while you work to stabilize your depression and hurt.

You're not alone. People here understand and know what you're going through.

 

LnL

[somanytears]

I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering you're experiencing. It can be so disorienting to love someone with BPD, trying to make sense of the push/pull.

Does she spend any time with your son, or has she begun to distance herself from him, too?

There are specific skills needed for loving someone with BPD that are not intuitive and must be learned.

Maybe we can help you sort some of this out while you work to stabilize your depression and hurt.

You're not alone. People here understand and know what you're going through.

Thank you, I really appreciate the support I’m still learning how to use this page so I don’t know if I’m replying correctly but we split our son, its supposed to be half the week but I get him almost 5 days out of the week for the last few months. In the duration I have him she makes no attempt to call him or check up on him, she went 12 days without seeing him last month we didn’t hear a word from her regarding our son, she prioritizes being out with this newer guy or friends more than anything right now. My son had a visit to the Er a few weeks ago I had asked her to go but she told me to just go by my self, he was diagnosed with a respiratory infection and needed to stay indoors and warm when she got him a day later she took him out to swim with her friends because she didn’t hear him cough that day but it had only been two days since the Er visit. It’s been very hard and I thought I had the right mentality to deal with her problems however towards the end it got extremely worse and she does demonize me now

[ForeverDad]

No court will force her to take her scheduled parenting time, nor should you.  Actually, you as the more stable parent should be happy if and when you get additional parenting time.  Yes, it's sad if she doesn't step up to parent as much as the schedule lists but if she's less fit to parent functionally and consistently, then it's okay, even good, to shoulder the extra time and responsibility.

Often the disordered parent will insist on the maximum time in a schedule.  It an be for a variety of issues.  But then once time passes the other can let go some of the parenting opportunities.  That's okay.  Don't push it.

[kells76]

Hi somany tears, hope you're doing OK.

I saw you mentioned this:

we split our son, its supposed to be half the week but I get him almost 5 days out of the week for the last few months

and like ForeverDad said

it's okay, even good, to shoulder the extra time and responsibility

Sounds like you recently came to the realization that your son's mom isn't behaving... ."normally". Whether she's diagnosed with BPD or not, the things she's doing and saying and the ways she's behaving are really, really difficult and will probably impact your son. It's a good thing that you are able to spend as much time with your son as you are now. That's giving him a good, stable foundation.

When you're up for it, let us know how things have been going, and what kind of support system (family, counselor, etc) you have.

Here for you--

kells76