seeking other collateral/secondary nonBPD's dealing with a sibling in law (SIL)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

i'm nearly positive that my brother's spouse is uBPD, and/or another closely aligned issue stemming from childhood trauma. i recently had an actual conversation with my brother, i rarely call or email, knowing that they can be intercepted by his spouse, and looking to avoid confrontation/conflict on my part. we are a family that tends to avoid rather than address things directly and i'm attempting to get more up-front.

i'm really concerned for my brother, he's isolated from the many easy friendships he used to have, bullied when forming new friendships or revitalizing old ones, and admits that when he does choose to join family get-togethers that they come at the expense of days of verbal abuse from his spouse around them when they choose not to join him (which has been the case for easily 10 years, with the majority of exceptions being funerals).

so in my most recent conversation, i told him that i believe his spouse shows many characteristics associated with BPD and recommended the walking on eggshells audiobook to him - asked him to let us know (family includes 3 other sibs, 2 other spouses, dad, and handful of 5yo-32yo nieces/nephews) and that we are here to support him. he indicated that he just doesn't have the ability to go through an 'it gets worse before it gets better' establishing limits or boundaries.  he always defends his spouse and doesn't really want to believe how bad it is for anyone other than him (not defensively, more oblivious, and i told him directly i didn't ever want to have this conversation with him for fear of making things worse).

so what else can i do?  how can i be supportive?  what other help can i get for my brother who says that his spouse will not go to therapy and that he has a lifetime of defending/making excuses for (warranted based upon the trauma experienced in their youth), but i'm tired of the 'if you only knew' and it's not as bad as you think. if anyone else i knew were dealing with a person like this in their lives i would tell them unequivocally that they need to seek help asap.

help!

[spine]

i'm nearly positive that my brother's spouse is uBPD, and/or another closely aligned issue stemming from childhood trauma. i recently had an actual conversation with my brother, i rarely call or email, knowing that they can be intercepted by his spouse, and looking to avoid confrontation/conflict on my part. we are a family that tends to avoid rather than address things directly and i'm attempting to get more up-front.

i'm really concerned for my brother, he's isolated from the many easy friendships he used to have, bullied when forming new friendships or revitalizing old ones, and admits that when he does choose to join family get-togethers that they come at the expense of days of verbal abuse from his spouse around them when they choose not to join him (which has been the case for easily 10 years, with the majority of exceptions being funerals).

so in my most recent conversation, i told him that i believe his spouse shows many characteristics associated with BPD and recommended the walking on eggshells audiobook to him - asked him to let us know (family includes 3 other sibs, 2 other spouses, dad, and handful of 5yo-32yo nieces/nephews) and that we are here to support him. he indicated that he just doesn't have the ability to go through an 'it gets worse before it gets better' establishing limits or boundaries.  he always defends his spouse and doesn't really want to believe how bad it is for anyone other than him (not defensively, more oblivious, and i told him directly i didn't ever want to have this conversation with him for fear of making things worse).

so what else can i do?  how can i be supportive?  what other help can i get for my brother who says that his spouse will not go to therapy and that he has a lifetime of defending/making excuses for (warranted based upon the trauma experienced in their youth), but i'm tired of the 'if you only knew' and it's not as bad as you think. if anyone else i knew were dealing with a person like this in their lives i would tell them unequivocally that they need to seek help asap.

help!

[Panda39]

Hi spine,

Welcome to the BPD Family  

Your brother is lucky to have a family that has his back.    You have done a good thing in reaching out to him and letting him know you care and support him.  You are definitely not alone in your situation we have other members with daughter-in-laws (DILs), sister-in-laws (SILs), mother-in-laws (MILs) you name it... .we all have someone with BPD/BPD Traits.

Having someone with BPD in your life is tough and unfortunately, your brother's story sounds very familiar to me. The isolating him from others is fairly common.  At the heart of BPD is the fear of Abandonment, and folks with BPD tend to be black and white thinkers, so you have a SIL that can't see that your brother can love his sister and her, she sees it as he loves her or his sister. 

Do you think your brother would be interested in becoming a member here?  We have a board for folks in a relationship with someone with BPD that can be really helpful in terms of negotiating issues with his wife. Would your brother consider seeing a Therapist?  That could really help him in terms of a place to vent, to get support, to get coping skills in the real world.

The problem with being his sister, is that you can't force either of them to do things they don't want to do. You can't force her to seek therapy and you can't force him to set boundaries with her.  We can only control our own actions.  We certainly can support you, we can provide information, and tools that you might find helpful when you interact with your SIL and that you can pass on to your brother if he is interested, but we can't make them do what you'd wish they'd do.

When you have a chance you might want to take a look in the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information.

I'm glad you've joined us there is a lot of information, tools and support to be had here.

Panda39

[spine]

thank you Panda39... .i'm hopeful that I can lead my brother to this site. i know he spends time gaming and online, so i'm hopeful that it's possible for him to find time to visit this site.

as for therapy, i shared that the entire reason i got turned onto any resources was through seeing a therapist myself. his spouse insists that he's the one with the problem, so then it's a problem of time and $ (if therapy is covered by their insurance, it's not great and $ is tight for them) - so i'm assuming it won't be viewed as an easy thing to start. and ultimately, it seems that both he and his spouse seem to think that therapy is only for people who are broken and not for people who want to keep their game up and knock it out of the park.

i myself am still learning my way around very slowly. glossary and lessons have been easier for me to search through than the discussion board itself. so i'll continue to search and educate myself here, but starting with those two suggestions for my brother when i do get the chance to talk to him again... .

it totally sucks having a sibling in law who sees me as the devil incarnate and that there is nothing i can seem to do that isn't deemed as inherently against them and that i hate them. so it's good to know that i'm not alone!