She broke up with me and now is coming to my pub. Why?

[Russdogg]

This is my first post at the BPD family, I have found the resources here very useful but I would welcome any feedback and comment on my story. Sorry for the length.

In February 2018 I my girlfriend of 3 years and I split up. It was sudden, full of rage and very, very upsetting for me. A few days before I had been on a night out with a few friends who lived out of town and was staying with them that night whilst my girlfriend was at home. She called me whilst I was out upset about some issues regarding her ex husband and his new partner. There was some news article about his new partner, I asked if she had read it and she had not – I said for her to read it then call me back. I missed her call, but as soon as I saw the missed call I called her back. She did not answer and continued to not answer any further calls or texts. The next day we text, she said I was selfish, did not understand her feelings, and that it was over. I had some good points and did not want me anymore. Despite me giving some space then trying to reconnect a week later she refused to talk. Again, I gave space and she reached out to wish me happy birthday at the end of March. We then bumped into each other when we were out, we hugged and I said I was pleased to see her. I text the following day to see how she was and she was courteous so I asked her to meet up for her birthday at the beginning of April, but she declined saying it was over and she was not changing her mind. I was devastated. Why be so nice to then cut me off ? I said I respected her decision, if she ever changed her mind to let me know. I then decided to go no contact in mid April.

The background of our relationship is that we knew each other from 10 years ago, but she became single after her husband left her. We were both on a dating site and she approached me. She was hesitant to date however as she was friends with an ex girlfriend of mine, however she decided to tell her friend she wanted to date me which actually killed their friendship. She said she had to pursue our relationship as she had strong feelings for me. Our relationship was fantastic, it was fun, loving, and we got on like a house on fire. After a few months I decided to move towns to be close to her and actually bought a house in her street. This is when some strange behaviour would occur every month or so where she would become angry when I spent time with some of my friends. She blamed it on PMT and I decided to sympathise and just put up with as she more often or not would apologise afterwards.  After a year or so I mostly spent all my time at her house with her and twin boys. Everything worked well , we even booked a family holiday . However, the arguments would start over silly things or because I was not being loving or caring enough. Each time this happened, she would threaten to cancel the holiday, it was very traumatic. By the time we went on holiday it was almost ruined. There was a pattern that any special event we went to such as a concert or a comedian, she would erupt at small things and ruin them. This started to make me feel resentful and I started to withdraw. This pattern would repeat itself almost monthly, but in between we would enjoy some really good times. She was often caring and took care of me very well. I still loved her deeply, I just needed her rages to stop and told her so. Fast forward to the next family holiday the following year she caused an argument on the last day over milk ! She told me she couldn’t wait to get home so she could get away from me. I started to withdraw from the relationship and shortly afterward we split, she stated I was being horrible and uncaring and it was over. In a little over a month she came back so we could talk and we ended up getting back together but we had not fully explored the root of our problems and how to fix it. Things were ok until Christmas 2017 when I set a boundary of how much we should spend on each other as we needed to buy presents for our respective children. She decided to not follow the boundary and spend an excessive amount on me whereas I did not, instead sticking to the agreed limit. A few days later we had a disagreement regarding her ex husband and his access to their children over the holidays. She felt I was not taking her side which I though was a bit unreasonable. She quickly flew into a rage and told me to leave. After a few days she told me she wanted some of the Christmas presents back as I did not deserve them. I gave them to her and told them I did not want them back. Again after a few days she came over to return them, apologising and blaming her behaviour on an argument with her mother. I tried to be supportive but she said I was trying to fix her problems instead of just listening to her. She then wanted to book a holiday but I put it off by making excuses, deep routed was my fear of another holiday being ruined. Shortly afterward came the latest split and we are now separated for 3 months.
The split traumatised me, no closure, nothing just tossed aside. So much so I decided to go and see a therapist, and he suggested she maybe borderline. Before that, I had no idea about BPD or cluster B disorders. As far as I am aware she is not diagnosed. I am constantly thinking of her, and because we live in the same street I go past her house every day. Its hard, my feelings for her are still very strong.

Lately, despite me going no contact she has started coming to a pub I drink at with her friend. She has smiled at me as if nothing has happened, I have politely said hello but nothing further. This is mainly because I do not know her motives and do not want to open myself for more heartache and rejection. Can anyone shed light on why she is suddenly coming to the pub, is it control ? Is it to play games, or maybe she is looking to reconcile ?

Now that I understand BPD better I feel that I would cope better in the relationship with her, but I also would be afraid she would abandon me again in a few months/years and I would be even more heartbroken.

Any views on the likelihood of BPD in this case and thoughts on her recent behaviour appreciated.

Thanks

 

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[WileyCoyote]

 

Welcome RussDogg!

I'm sorry to here that you had to endure such a high conflict relationship as well as the breakup.  While she seems to exhibit some of the traits, it doesn't really matter if it is BPD specifically.  The tools here will assist you with emotionally intense/unstable people. 

And as you know from reading.  The people here have plenty of helpful insights to share.

[pearlsw]

Hi Russdogg,

I would like to join WileyCoyote in welcoming you to the community! Glad you decided to post! Hopefully others will join here soon and offer support/ideas!

It certainly sounds like she might be interested. I know how hard it can be to be involved in an off/on relationship. It is hard to know where you stand and how to go forward.

Sounds like you are feeling more confident and informed about how to handle this!

Do you think you might want to approach next time you see her out with her friend and see if there is mutual interest there?

with compassion, pearl.

[Russdogg]

Hi Pearl

I would really like to try and see if there is mutual interest but I fear her rejecting me again. Hence I was interested if anyone had thoughts if she was genuinely showing up of her interest in me or she was playing games.

I guess no one can know apart from her

[pearlsw]

My two cents... .

BPD or not anyone who plays games or messes with your head/heart intentionally is simply not worth your time.

Dating is risky for all of us. If she lacks communication skills and is not emotionally stable there will inevitably be extra problems, but she may be worth the extra effort.

You can only control your side of things.  Communicate clearly and directly, but kindly, and step away when someone makes you feel bad. I think the simple approach is always best.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Russdogg]

Hi Pearl, thanks for your kind words.

We did speak and she agreed to talk. Unfortunately it was a 2 hour call later that evening basically picking every flaw she could find in me despite me apologising for my mistakes and saying that I understand how it made her feel. It ended with her calling me a narcissist - a full on gaslighting episode.

I think its time to call time and concentrate on trying to recover. Its hard as we live in the same street
 

[pearlsw]

Hey Russdogg 

Sorry to hear this! I know this isn’t what you were hoping for. How did the call end? Was it basically “let’s never talk again!” Or, “See ya ‘round”? Are you going to be running into her often? Do you live in a small town?

What’s next?

with sympathy, pearl. 

[juju2]

Hi Russ,

Sorry you are going thru this.

I am Sep from s.o.BPD, dx and untreated.we are one year apart, after ten years living together.  We see eachother once a week.

For me, it was up and down, I never knew what caused what.  It wasn't until I found this community, tools.  I am getting a lot better not tangling w him, am noticing his tone, how his day has gone, etc.  Timing, noticing, being aware, all matters w him.  I have found that i am much more adept w getting the messages.  For me, two hours on the phone w him probably would not be good... .

and, all this that i am learning, works with everyone.
I can learn new things.  Also, I go to al-anon, am co dependent... .

stay hopeful, read, learn, post more.

sincerely, j

[Russdogg]

Thank you J and Pearl

We both live in a small town, however when she appears in the pub with her friend it’s on a Sunday. Before we met she never went there, she started watching live music there through me. It would be easier to avoid me if she wanted as she knows I’ll be there. Hence why I am confused about her motives. She is very pleasant in public but gets angry with me away from the public eye. Maybe narcissistic?

J , during your time trying to reconcile did you have to endure any similar behaviour?

[juju2]

Hi,

I think she may testing the waters, testing you, checking out your energy.

He comes over, to pick up tools, that is his excuse, to see how we are, what is our chemistry, what is going on.  He is incredibly intuitive, they focus in on us... .He does not miss one thing!  I think it's a survival technique, subtle, he has things he wants to see about me, am I really different, am I really making changes.  So one thing I noticed, he gave me 2pairs of jeans, smaller size than I wear now... .
He said, let me know if they fit.  So next time we went for coffee, I thanked him for the jeans, they almost fit.  (Losing weight is one of the things am working on, lost 50lbs, have 30 to go.uggh)
He was like, are they close to fitting, what do you think.? (( He was looking for, am I still trying to lose weight?)(the old me would fall off diets)
So I said, very soon.  These will fit.
He got me to commit to reaching a goal... .

Long story.  Sorry.  I have to have the confidence to interact w him.

 If she is coming there on the nites you are there, I bet she wants to see what you will do, who are you being?

It's all good.  I learn the tools here, I understand more, get into way fewer tangles... .my life is better.
One day at a time,  j

[Russdogg]

Hi J

There seems to be chemistry still but I'm not sure if she is just testing me out. When she called I think the drink had affected her. She was a different person, very angry and dismissive of my side of the story and how that I had learned that I had made mistakes. She seem shocked that I knew about gaslighting and that sparked the narcissism conversation. I'm not sure why she invested in 2 hours on the phone if she hated me so much. Its typical of emotional dis-regulation I guess. She has made myself second guess myself on Narcissism. I will take a good look at this. The call ended her saying i tick every box which I denied and that we would talk about that another time.

I'm stuck deciding on whether to follow this up with a text or call but I don't want to show I'm chasing her or seeming needy, or whether to just see how things pan out if I run into her again.

I also don't know whether she just set me up so that she could verbally abuse me again just so she could feel better herself

[juju2]

Hi

those are things we don't talk about, it won't go well.

I guess, for me, the phone calls, over 30 min, don't work.  Need to see him in person, see body language, etc...  

Is there an opening to meet on neutral ground for coffee like we do.?  It's only like one hour, you can have something you need to do afterwards, so at 50 mins, say, I do have to get xyz, done tonite.  It has to be something real.  And it's a way of sharing your life.  Baby steps.  Slow.  No relationship topics, just keep it light. 
No hot buttons, nothing like "why did you   x,y z"
I stay away from why.  or, " You should have."  "What are you doing this weekend. "

 It's all about now, it can be, the flowers are blooming, I saw beautiful purple
 ones on my way here.  It's a talent, to build trust, be together, and be kind... .  Take care, j