I've decided it's time.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi BPD Family,

Wow, when I think back over the approximate decade that I've intermittently signed in, it's amazing to thing of what has happened.

The short story is I grew up under a borderline and narcissistic mother, and a dismissive narcissistic father.  They eventually divorce, and the remainder of my time was with my mother.  Clear obvious traits:  threatening to kill herself to get me to do things, calling my fiancee "Satan" the night before the wedding, etc.

The challenge is (and posted about it) that I thought I was disentangling myself from her, and then realized later to my horror that her lawyer changed a key term in the contract and I realized she's got her claws stuck in me until the day she dies, financially.

On one side of things, at least it's only financial.  I've kept an ultra-low NC - now I only contact her at Christmas for 5 minutes - not even her birthday or Mother's Day.

However, lately I've been rethinking things with a counselor.  I've realized I'm no where near as assertive as I should be in my regular daily life (likely because as a kid of BPD parent, assertiveness = disastrous outcomes).

Today, I happened to watch the end of Les Miserables (the Liam Neeson version), and at the end (spoiler alert) when Javert finally sets Jean val-Jean free, I was transfixed by the notion that he was, now, truly free to live life and see his daughter Cosette and her guy, Marius live their lives.

I was working out on the bike pretty hard at the time and just started sobbing.  I realized, though she's miles away, and the chains she has tied me in are only financial, I am still not free.  I just started saying to myself through heaving tears, "I just want to be free. I just want to be free."  I stopped biking, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a poem that just came to my mind, probably 200 words or so.  (Clearly, I've been unconsciously thinking these words over and over; they just flowed.)

And then, I thought, I have never had the full-on direct confrontation with her, to hold her accountable for her behaviour and to ask her to set me free.

I'm not being crazily optimistic here:  I know from the books I've now read, from the many posts on bpdfamily, and from my own experiences with her that the chances of her actually freeing me are close to nil.  But what I realized is that I've never really properly directly stood up to her.

I suddenly have a sense of clarity.  A sense of "this is a door I must go through to finally heal myself and finish my journey to freedom from her and her manipulative ways."  I know I will most likely still be stuck in this financial arrangement, but at least I will have done everything I can rather that not. 

I tend to be drawn to popular culture when thinking about my relationship with my mother and the ways her manipulation were so cruel and clever.  Why have I never directly confronted her?  I'm not sure.  I certainly had many episodes of friction and have hung up on her, and now don't voluntarily give her anything but 5 minutes per year.   

But there is something different about today.  I think it's that I want to make sure she knows that I know how I was manipulated by her and treated cruelly by her all these years.  I'm think I'm going to make it clear that this will be the last time I talk to her.  She doesn't even merit the Christmas call.  I'm going to make clear that I have no illusions about how she has treated me.  I will ask for her to set me free.

Of course, she will deny everything and describe how she was "the best mother in the entire world".  She will try to weave her spells and try to convince herself that I will be swayed yet again.  Yet I will be teflon.

Why would I do all this?  I don't think I realized how I was still not fully past all of this.  I've got a great life, married with awesome kids.  Yet something is holding me back.   I think, frankly, that I've been afraid to do this.  I think my identity until now has been about prioritizing the needs of others, at a huge discount to my own needs.  To do this final last act would be putting my needs first, which is counter to how I grew up and made my way in the world.

To be fully clear:  I think I'm a little nervous.  Not about how the conversation will go, but about what is like through that door.  What will it be like to live life without chains on me?  In some ways, the chains have been comfortable; I'm used to them.

To be unbridled is exciting and a little scary.  To snuff out her last bits of power over me is enticing (even though there will likely still be financial strings).  To join the mental world that is "normal" where one is free.

I'll let you know how it goes.

JoinedTheClub

[Turkish]

How do the Christmas calls usually go?

What kind of financial tie is there, if you care to share?

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

It's a bit complicated, but the end result is she lives in a condo I own, I pay the condo and insurance fees, she pays no rent to me at all.  It's all signed and sealed legally, so she would have to agree to end it.  Additionally, by law in this jurisdiction, if someone has been supporting a family member (even a parent) for a prolonged time and then decides to back out, the supportee can successfully sue to keep the support coming - even in the absence of a contract. 

The Christmas calls are basically painful.  I call, force myself to ask about her Christmas.  She typically doesn't ask about the kids or my wife at all, or me.  Maybe every second year, she starts going down a really negative path and I just hang up.  The last 2-3 years, she hasn't done that as she knows where the boundary is.  And after about 5 minutes, I say I've got to go, and we finish up.  At one time, I would think/hope that "maybe she'll change" and start to be nice, but they never did.

JTC

[Turkish]

So even if you decide to sell,  you may still be responsible for taking care of her... .

What are your thoughts on how your conversation will go? My T told me,  "personalities typically don't change (in adulthood)."

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Joinedtheclub,  

You've well portrayed the picture with your mom, and I think the illustration with Jean val-Jean from Les Miserables is quite approprriate, one to which we can most likely all relate.

I recall the scene well, and I can understand why you wish to be quite literally "free" from your uBPDm. You have a couple things going on that you'd like to be free from (if I am picking it up correctly):
- your financial obligation
- the abusive childhood that you lived in
- the inability to be assertive
- the control and bondage (emotionally/mentally) that your uBPDm has over you

And then, I thought, I have never had the full-on direct confrontation with her, to hold her accountable for her behaviour and to ask her to set me free

I want to present another thought for you. Let's go back and reconsider Jean val-Jean for a moment. On what level was he finally freed by Javert? Was it the physical, legal, or emotional level? To me even though he was finally legally freed, didn't Jean val-Jean live his life as if he were free even when the bonds of the law still existed around him?

Like val-Jean, you are doing your best to be free from your mom, but there's the legal obligation. Yet I hear that you are not free in your spirit and soul. I believe that aspect comes only from within us, living our lives in freedom because we choose to be free. True freedom comes from within us, not from anything anyone else says or does. It can help, but it won't free you.

I know because my uBPDm died in 2012. While I will never be able to confront her physically, I am able to free myself from the effects she had on me as I heal within.

What do you think about this idea?

Wools

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

Ironically, every time I have called, there's been someone else there in the background, so I haven't been able to have "the chat".

Even so, I feel unimaginably light and free.

Wools, you have nailed it on the head, I have (as of yesterday) "chosen" to be free.

When I think back, I think I already thought I had.  But something changed simply in the decision in my head to face her front on and confront her, so that she will know that I know how terrible she has been. 

I guess, if I reflect, I had four stages:

1.  being controlled / manipulated / oblivious
2.  awakening to the truth - which took years
3.  dealing with the truth
4.  being free

I feel, now, like I'm Phase 4 - even though I have not yet had the conversation. 

To review Wools' list:
- the financial obligation I'm stuck with; I don't see her relinquishing that one bit
- the abusive childhood - I have mourned this in the past, and maybe had missed how much it was still dragging me down
- I am "Assertive Man" now - I have a cape and everything!  (Well, not really, but I'd be in a strong stance with a big A on my chest, cape billowing behind me as I stand on a mountain top, fists on my hip.  You get the picture.).
- I feel as of yesterday, I just unlocked the lock of bondage that she had on me and walked away.

It is a weird feeling.  A little scary.  I thought I had boldly gone where I hadn't before, but now that I've decided there are no more Christmas calls, there will be nothing more in the future (unless The Chat actually happens), I feel a bit as if I'm going to a brand new country.

To use another analogy, I feel freed the same way Hank Reardon did when he just walked away from his house and hangers-on in Atlas Shrugged.  Though the government had frozen his accounts (akin to the financial obligation I have), he still felt free.

Yup, Jean val-Jean had lived as if he was free, even when his bonds existed.  He still knew that one day, he might be trapped.  That's I think how I used to live.  Sort of free, but part of me was held back.

Now today, the financial obligations almost don't matter.  I am free.  I am free to be me, to do the things I want, I have put down these chains, I am me.

Wools and Turkish and the silent readers, thank you so much for simply being here.

I love where I am now.  I know there may be future thoughts and memories that come back, but this time I feel I will discard them much as one swats away a mosquito.

I am free.  I have chosen.

Thanks all,

JoinedTheClub

(Heck, even using a pseudonym now seems strange.  It's like I have something to be ashamed of.  Like she still has some level of control over me.  I guess it's still good to keep private things private.  Hmm.  I think I'll leave my signature as is.  Thank you all.)

[Harri]

Okay, so I have been one of the silent readers on this thread, just cheering you on.  this however, brought me out... .who can resist a cape? 

I am "Assertive Man" now - I have a cape and everything!  (Well, not really, but I'd be in a strong stance with a big A on my chest, cape billowing behind me as I stand on a mountain top, fists on my hip.  You get the picture.).

     Very cool.  What sort of boots are you wearing?

Seriously, it is good to hear you feel stronger and more at peace. 

It is a weird feeling.  A little scary.  I thought I had boldly gone where I hadn't before, but now that I've decided there are no more Christmas calls, there will be nothing more in the future (unless The Chat actually happens), I feel a bit as if I'm going to a brand new country.

  Yes.  It can be scary but also exciting too.  Keep that cape on as you explore.  Don't be surprised if more stuff bubbles up to the surface.  But don't be surprised if it doesn't either!   

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

The image that sprang to mind is a mostly charcoal full superhero suit - with texture, kind of like Toby MacQuire's spiderman suit, with red gloves, mask, cape, and boots.

The A is outlined a bit in is strong yellow.

In case I needed anything more to underline how I feel now (with freedom), the first thing I drove to today had "St. Elmo's Fire" playing on the radio.  This is what I heard right after starting up the car:

"... .You're just a prisoner, and you're tryin' to break free

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion
All I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where the future's lying St. Elmo's fire."

Holy smokes.  I not only see the new horizon, I'm on the ridge looking down into the new realm, underneath a blazing sky.  I've got my wheels.

Thanks BPD Family community,

JTC

[Notwendy]

Having grown up with a severe BPD mother, I have a different idea about the “chat” being a step to freedom.

If it was ever possible for me to speak frankly to my mother- and have her actually hear me, see me, for the person I am and to comprehend what I am saying to her- I’d have succeeded by now. Because of her defense mechanisms- projection and denial- she doesn’t process these kinds of chats. She goes into victim mode and reacts as if she is being attacked- and rages back.

If you do have the chat with your mother- do it without expectations of her response. You don’t need her to set yourself free. Although you have a financial commitment - you are the one who can set yourself free-spiritually and emotionally.

I love the Les Mis story - the original. Jean Valjean was free when he experienced the grace of the Bishop and had his own spiritual and emotional transformation. Javert was the prisoner of his own driven purpose that seemed to consume his thoughts.

It is your mother who is the prisoner of her own disordered thinking. You are already a free man.

[Harri]

Sometimes, in some situations, there is great freedom in the act of simply speaking.  No reply needed and certainly none expected.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

Okay, I have had the chat.  As I and others predicted, I did not suddenly find myself talking to someone who accepted the seriousness of her actions and engaged in an open way.

The chat itself was a mixture of denial "I have never, ever asked you for one cent ever!" to rationalization, "You should be only happy to support me," to nastiness, "Oh - ho!  Why now all of the sudden are you worried about these things?

Interestingly, at one point, she did open a bit, asking, "What can I do to fix this?"  But then immediately went into attack and denial.

There was certainly no agreement to end our financial relationship.

Bottom line:  I am now done.  The message has been delivered (though likely not heard) that I am fully aware of the terrible things she has done to her children, me included.  I have also made it clear that I am seeking her to live in a way that is financially independent of me.  I have now done all I can to cut the final connection - something I never had been able to do before.  (At the same time, I agree with Notwendy - I'm not sure everyone needs to have a chat.  I knew that I needed for once to clearly confront her with behaviour regardless of how she would receive it.  I had never done it directly before.  It was a step I knew I had to take.  As an aside, I noticed I didn't shed a single tear talking to her.  When I think about it:  a grown son, confronting his mother about decades of a variety of abuse, manipulation, the terrible and horrible things she did to all her children, and I was no longer grieving in real time.)

I am now at NC.  None of this LC or ultra-LC anymore.  My life is my own.  She gets to own zero.

NC is a peaceful place.  I remember the first time I joined BPD Family and saw "LC," "NC" etc.  When I finally learned what they were, I estimated I would only ever get to LC, but remember thinking a bit wistfully about NC.  I just never saw that I would be able to go that full way.  I think I had to do a lot of growth, reflection, and even therapy to be able to think I could be a good man and at the same time be NC.

Yup, there is still the financial obligation, but all the other chains and bonds are gone.

It's a great place.

NC may not be for everyone.  What I can say is for me, this last journey, up maybe the steepest part of the climb, is that it is worth it.  The view and potential and peace from up here is incredible.  If that's what you are looking for, may you too figure out and navigate your journey to NC in your own way.

Thanks all for being there during one big weekend in my life.

JoinedTheClub

[Woolspinner2000]

Good for you, Joinedtheclub! 

I'm thrilled at your new found freedom, recognizing really what was already there. You have done the work, travelled the path to healing, and here you are at a huge step! Speaking of steps, where do you feel you are in the list on the side of our board? ---->>   I am guessing that you'll definitely find yourself in the last section. 

Thank you for sharing your life with us. Others will be encouraged knowing there is hope for the future!

 
Wools

[joinedtheclub]

Hi Wools,

If I may, I think I've got them all nice and strong, except the last two which, as worded, imply a bit of time to be certain.

So, crazy as it seems, and completely unlooked for with Les Mis and this weekend, BOOM - here I am.

So. Awesome.

JTC