Can you really be friends with a BPD ex?...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The following question resonated in my head for a very long time. I am grateful to everyones advice on this forum. As you are aware of my story, my ex whom is now engaged or soon to be engaged, was giving ultimatiums and eventually when I didn’t follow through she got in the process of being engaged to someone else, whom she claims loves her dearly. I trying to be the best I can be, accepted my fate and tried my best to just let go. Whether I had feelings or not didnt matter. I was not trying to be the one stuck in the middle of this. If her relationship didnt work out I wanted no part in the reason, I tried every nice tactic blocking, not talking everything. Eventually even tried to act like a friend, but thats the problem they know all your weaknesses. Today, she told me as wrong it sounds a part of her still loves me. I didnt comment on it and just said that sometimes when you love someone you let them go. I tried to engage the conversation in a friendly manner. Until the point, of where she told me that shes afraid her finance wants to get physical with her and she’s afraid. It made me so angry to hear that, and I just broke down. At which point I just told her what do you want from me, and now I’m back on this forum. I don’t want this kind of friendship, I just want to feel whole again.

[Struggler123]

The following question resonated in my head for a very long time. I am grateful to everyones advice on this forum. As you are aware of my story, my ex whom is now engaged or soon to be engaged, was giving ultimatiums and eventually when I didn’t follow through she got in the process of being engaged to someone else, whom she claims loves her dearly. I trying to be the best I can be, accepted my fate and tried my best to just let go. Whether I had feelings or not didnt matter. I was not trying to be the one stuck in the middle of this. If her relationship didnt work out I wanted no part in the reason, I tried every nice tactic blocking, not talking everything. Eventually even tried to act like a friend, but thats the problem they know all your weaknesses. Today, she told me as wrong it sounds a part of her still loves me. I didnt comment on it and just said that sometimes when you love someone you let them go. I tried to engage the conversation in a friendly manner. Until the point, of where she told me that shes afraid her finance wants to get physical with her and she’s afraid. It made me so angry to hear that, and I just broke down. At which point I just told her what do you want from me, and now I’m back on this forum. I don’t want this kind of friendship, I just want to feel whole again.

[Turkish]

It sounds like you know you want to stand by your personal values "I don't want this type of friendship," but you still care about her,  yes? Other than this being recent,  is that what keeps you in contact other then letting go gracefully? Is her indication that he means to get physical I assume isn't pre-marital sex,  but violence?

[Struggler123]

It sounds like you know you want to stand by your personal values "I don't want this type of friendship," but you still care about her,  yes? Other than this being recent,  is that what keeps you in contact other then letting go gracefully? Is her indication that he means to get physical I assume isn't pre-marital sex,  but violence?

It was my values that stopped me from marrying her. I couldn’t give up my career and my goals, just because it was according to her plans. Everything was about her needs, my needs never mattered unless they were somehow tied in with hers. I tried really hard, gave her everything I could, but it wasn’t enough, one ultimatium I couldn’t do. She tells me its my fault because I told her not to wait for me and I didn’t fight for her. A part of me still cares about her and I’ve tried removing this part but my values won’t let me. My heart still wants to believe that I could’ve made things worse. A friend on this forum, once told me that i’m giving mixed signals and that no contact was the right thing for me. I did go no contact but, somehow we still ended up communicating one way or another. I tried to be the better person, but I reacted. I tried so hard to end things with a good closure and never make her feel abandoned but, I couldn’t. I think she was pointing at pre-martial sex, she knows my weaknesses. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I really couldn’t imagine the thought of her being with someone else and when she said that it really opened up hidden wounds. I was acting fearless and thinking she had no control over my emotions anymore and she suddenly showed me my place within 10 seconds. After which, all she said was sorry and I didnt mean to hurt you. All of this just to say please dont go. I really don’t know what to make of it. I never thought someone could be this manipulative. Yet prior to this, she was telling me how she loves me and still has feelings for me and how she cant stop thinking about me physically and emotionally. And when I said sometimes we have to accept things and let go, she threw this at me. I never felt so used.

[Turkish]

Someone telling you those things so recently isn't in a healthy state of mind to go into a stable marriage.  Talking to you about intimacy issues with her new beau? That's a conversation for a girlfriend,  not a recent romantic partner (unless you were ok with it and I'm guessing you're not). How do you see it?

[Struggler123]

Someone telling you those things so recently isn't in a healthy state of mind to go into a stable marriage.  Talking to you about intimacy issues with her new beau? That's a conversation for a girlfriend,  not a recent romantic partner (unless you were ok with it and I'm guessing you're not). How do you see it?

Honestly, I’m not. I felt really hurt that she would say that to me. She should be talking about this to her girlfriends, but according to her I was her only true friend, boyfriend et.c and she needs me. I was angry, and I told her why would you tell me this and I wish you hadn’t. I felt like I broke down and I couldn’t control it anymore. I even messaged her and told her that I want her to never contact me again and that I wish her the best but shes making me into someone im not and someone I will never be and I’d appreciate it if she would just let me be. Then she said she was rEally sorry and that it was all her fault. I told her that she was the one that said yes to this guy and how she was happy or “trying to be happy” as she says it that now she has to deal with her issues, and I dont want to be a part of it and that I’d appreciate it if she could figure out what she wants from me. It just broke me down, I was trying to be the bigger person. I was really trying to make things work.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry you're hurting man... .being friends zoned cam be hurtful enough of you weren't in a r/s. I agree that she should be talking to a gf about this rather than you.  PwBPD can be poor with interpersonal boundaries and I'm sure if I hadn't done the only recycle between me and my ex,  that she would have contacted me similarly.  I was ready to go no contact,  yet after a quick emotional break up,  she talked me out to going to the diner down the block and ranted to remain friends.   Days later, I was preparing to move out and I got a text,  "aren't you willing to fight for love?" What? She had broken up with me!

Just knowing what you have written,  I feel for her and the new guy.  However,  they aren't here and you are.  If there is a ball,  whose court is it in?

[Struggler123]

I'm sorry you're hurting man... .being friends zoned cam be hurtful enough of you weren't in a r/s. I agree that she should be talking to a gf about this rather than you.  PwBPD can be poor with interpersonal boundaries and I'm sure if I hadn't done the only recycle between me and my ex,  that she would have contacted me similarly.  I was ready to go no contact,  yet after a quick emotional break up,  she talked me out to going to the diner down the block and ranted to remain friends.   :)ays later, I was preparing to move out and I got a text,  "aren't you willing to fight for love?" What? She had broken up with me!

Just knowing what you have written,  I feel for her and the new guy.  However,  they aren't here and you are.  If there is a ball,  whose court is it in?

To be honest, its not the idea of being friendzoned. I was the one that didn’t want to get married and I was the one the walked out. As hard as it is to accept thaf, I take responsibility for my actions. It hurt me to see that she would go to the extent to say anything to provoke a reaction out of me. She got her reaction and I caved in. She tried for days to contact me and I tried to be a gentleman. Now when I called her out on it, im sure she will be too embarassed to reply back. I just really thought I could be a good person about all of it. I wanted to remember her as the fantasy in my head but the truth is, its always about her. They will do anything to get back at you, even if it means bending the truth. I feel bad for her too, she lost the only person that till this day only sees good in her because those are my values not hers.

[Cromwell]

just as i had suspected from the start, triangulation tactic, now she is telling you that all is not going well and hoping to drag you into it.

Struggler, they get a kick out of it, the emotional attention and being able to affect someone like that via manipulation.

You were expected to "fight" over her to win her, but have instead showed her that she wasnt worth fighting for.

"she knows my weaknesses"

Having sex with her will give her a kick at the same time that she is not feeling engulfed by the guy she is with. But she will yo-yo between both of you. If you want sex out of it, by all means, but this is not friend material or someone you want to emotionally invest in anymore beyond the point you already have.

[Struggler123]

just as i had suspected from the start, triangulation tactic, now she is telling you that all is not going well and hoping to drag you into it.

Struggler, they get a kick out of it, the emotional attention and being able to affect someone like that via manipulation.

You were expected to "fight" over her to win her, but have instead showed her that she wasnt worth fighting for.

"she knows my weaknesses"

Having sex with her will give her a kick at the same time that she is not feeling engulfed by the guy she is with. But she will yo-yo between both of you. If you want sex out of it, by all means, but this is not friend material or someone you want to emotionally invest in anymore beyond the point you already have.

Cromwell, I am so glad you were able to say the words, I needed to hear. She did want me to fight over her but I am not trying to go into battle mode when I see no light at the tunnel. Its a loss for the both of us. I know that, by sticking around I will feel more like crap then I already do. I literally asked her what she wanted from me and she was like she wants a friendship with me and always wants to keep me happy and to keep the door open. To which I simply replied, “I think that people come into each other’s lives for a reason. Usually it’s because you needed that person at that TIME in your life. I think at this stage you’re looking to get married and move on. You want my friendship but it’s clear that this is a downgrade from what what was really desire: a relationship and eventually a marriage. Friendships don’t work where there is something more desired and clearly since that didn’t work you resent me and continue to do so. This is why we keep getting into useless arguments and fights. You say you want to be there for me. But I think what we both really need in our lives in calm and peace instead of drama which inevitably comes every time we talk. So I seriously and for the last time, do think we should just walk away with good memories instead of trying to rekindle a friendship that pretty much shattered.” I’m not sure if this is right but then again, My gut helped me come this far, hope this sticks.

[Cromwell]

I literally asked her what she wanted from me and she was like she wants a friendship with me and always wants to keep me happy and to keep the door open.

I can codebreak this quite easily into "have you there as the door open for keeping her happy when she needs it"

disregard the "keeping you happy" part. Keep things real. its about her needs she is badgering you to fulfill.

Unless she has been led to think that you making her happy = you being happy. Sadly that was partially true of my r/s and for that I take some blame for encouraging.

stay strong struggler, she is right about one thing she alluded to; this is about your happiness, for the fact she proved herself as a big factor in making you unhappy, is someone cant be relied on, too poor a track record.

Ive had 2 emotional hand grenades go off tonight, from a different direction than expected, - again - its not made me happy, its still about her, its attention, its stirred up some emotions, none of them what I want to feel.

Vegetables to be harvested when the time is right. nothing more nothing less.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. never forget when she hurt you and couldnt have cared less, was rubbing this guy in your face (to make you envious). Friends dont do this.

Yes She had a friend, and lost one by her actions.

Tell her from me, theres no use crying over spilled milk.

same is true when you mention the happy times you spent together. its gone. all that matters is your goal and how best to accomplish it from here and now.

Try not to "splice" too much either, (a defence mechanism) I was guilty of that, the bad times happened for good reasons - helpful reminders not to repeat the same mistakes, but overcome them.

[Struggler123]

I can codebreak this quite easily into "have you there as the door open for keeping her happy when she needs it"

disregard the "keeping you happy" part. Keep things real. its about her needs she is badgering you to fulfill.

Unless she has been led to think that you making her happy = you being happy. Sadly that was partially true of my r/s and for that I take some blame for encouraging.

stay strong struggler, she is right about one thing she alluded to; this is about your happiness, for the fact she proved herself as a big factor in making you unhappy, is someone cant be relied on, too poor a track record.

Ive had 2 emotional hand grenades go off tonight, from a different direction than expected, - again - its not made me happy, its still about her, its attention, its stirred up some emotions, none of them what I want to feel.

Vegetables to be harvested when the time is right. nothing more nothing less.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. never forget when she hurt you and couldnt have cared less, was rubbing this guy in your face (to make you envious). Friends dont do this.

Yes She had a friend, and lost one by her actions.

Tell her from me, theres no use crying over spilled milk.

same is true when you mention the happy times you spent together. its gone. all that matters is your goal and how best to accomplish it from here and now.

Try not to "splice" too much either, (a defence mechanism) I was guilty of that, the bad times happened for good reasons - helpful reminders not to repeat the same mistakes, but overcome them.

It’s always been about her. I remember the third time we broke up, She was gone for 4 days. After that she tried every tactic to get back together, and I had a guard up. At that point, I was like lets just be friends but she didn’t want to. And now when she knows that I wouldn’t compromise on my morals, its about the friendship. Theres no empathy, I don’t mean to be rude, but unless someone is a programmable robot, its not easy to be with someone so self absorbed. That’s the harsh truth and it took me so long to see it. A part of me didnt want to be angry, but now I’ll use that anger to make sure I never fall into a trap like that again. No more games, just have to find my way out of the depths of hell. I did everything to keep her happy, sometimes its just not enough thats the harsh truth. Thats actually going to be my motto now, spilled

[Cromwell]

anamnestic response

what used to knock down emotionally, these new aexposures I can brush off easier and quicker. B memory cells.

Apply it to the emotions, each time she tries, B memory cell time, anamnestic response triggered, and it wont be hell anymore. 8 months NC built up plenty antibodies, it was crucial to have that resting space. When I tried to distance myself, id start to feel better and just as the thought might entertain leaving her for good, shed be right there to knock down again. Thats what the impromptu appearances keep doing, keep disrupting the chance to heal and figure things out from a clearer head-space.

[Chynna]

Hi Struggler. Would you like to be friends with your xgf ? To what end?  Why are you still communicating with her? She's engaged to another man. Personally I wouldn't recommend that, speaking from my own experience. My advice is No Contact.

[Struggler123]

anamnestic response

what used to knock down emotionally, these new aexposures I can brush off easier and quicker. B memory cells.

Apply it to the emotions, each time she tries, B memory cell time, anamnestic response triggered, and it wont be hell anymore. 8 months NC built up plenty antibodies, it was crucial to have that resting space. When I tried to distance myself, id start to feel better and just as the thought might entertain leaving her for good, shed be right there to knock down again. Thats what the impromptu appearances keep doing, keep disrupting the chance to heal and figure things out from a clearer head-space.

Exactly its like the moment you seem to have tour life together. They come knocking at your door like sorry you still have a role to fulfill. It’s hard, because you program yourself so well, just to come back to square one. Its the worst feeling realizing that, despite the words they dont mean anything its all about them. I wish it were different, but like they say only we have the power to let someone destroy us. Sometimes we just have to protect ourselves and shield us with no contact or whatever we can do to reach safety.

Hi Struggler. Would you like to be friends with your xgf ? To what end?  Why are you still communicating with her? She's engaged to another man. Personally I wouldn't recommend that, speaking from my own experience. My advice is No Contact.

Hello Chynna, honestly theres no room to be friends. I have said that to her plenty of times. I have done practically every nice way to leave and walk away that way she doesn’t feel abandoned and I still have my dignity. It’s like everything I say is taken in for a few minutes and then out the other ear. I specifically told her that she made this decision and whether however the new guy is its her responsibility and I want no part in it. She still resents me in a passive way and its pretty obvious. I wish it were different, but she always says “I am trying to be happy and the new guy loves her.” Rather than saying, I love this new guy too. The difference is, she made an impulsive decision and now shes trying to rectify it by keeping me around, in case things go haywired she has someone to fall back on or someone to blame. When i first adviced her to be friends, she was not willing to accept it and now all of a sudden, she wants to be friends with me, it just doesnt make sense, and to be honest I would never marry someone that “reminded me of their ex” simply indicates that im not over my ex, but I guess to her its all about filling the emptyness and impulsive decisions.  I never message her and she sees that. If you don’t mind me asking, would you like to talk about your experience, and share some insight based on my thoughts?

[Chynna]

My friend  , 6ou are so set on dealing with this situation with the hopes of not hurting a d/o woman & doing this while hanging onto your own dignity/values. I recognize each case is different... .My xbf was a "high function, quiet", very talented man. You can read my posts by clicking on my green name and when my profile shows up, scroll to the bottom and click on "show last posts from this person". I hope my story helps you. You seem to  be stuck. I know this is an awful place to be. ~Chynna

[Struggler123]

My friend  , 6ou are so set on dealing with this situation with the hopes of not hurting a d/o woman & doing this while hanging onto your own dignity/values. I recognize each case is different... .My xbf was a "high function, quiet", very talented man. You can read my posts by clicking on my green name and when my profile shows up, scroll to the bottom and click on "show last posts from this person". I hope my story helps you. You seem to  be stuck. I know this is an awful place to be. ~Chynna

I suppose the problem has always been that I am a people pleaser. Its a problem for me at times. She just knows how to take advantage of it.  But, despite the reassurance I give myself, I did hurt her by not being able to marry her. Does she get upset about that, im sure but will she tell me honestly, no. She will work around and try to find that same feeling again and thats the thing maybe she will but the constant reassurance thats something she will have to mold the new person into and now shes looking for a way out. This isnt a friendship its a get out of jail card if and when she decides “she doesnt feel the same way about this new guy.” Sure I will be reading your posts now