Advice for a newbie? Would leave if I could, can't divorce b/c of child

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I will be married to a Spouse with BPD traits for 4 years now(his mom is BPD I didn’t know this before the marriage and he didn’t really show traits until after we were married). I have a to stay married (at least fo now) because we have a 2.5 year old child with very severe food allergies and my husband is unable to care for him and exposes him and to physical danger (unintentionally) but I cannot share custody and I don’t know if there is a way to get sole custody. I’ve heard divorcing a BPD can be worse than being married to one especially when there are children involved. So for now I just want to figure out a way to survive more comfortably. I walk on eggshells and I’ve read (stop walking on eggshells) for now I just try not to talk to much of any consequence because if I don’t say anything for him to jump on right? Wrong, he gets upset if I don’t talk enough but there are very few safe topics. Even where to go out to dinner turned into a major blow up. I canceled our sitter and took my son to the park to get some space for him to calm down and he started saying I was crazy and kidnapping my son and that he’s physically afraid of me because I’m unpredictable and I might hurt him (I’m 5’1” and weigh 105lbs and he’s 6’ and weighs 220). I’m not sure if he’s really trying to build a case to leave me and take our son to hurt me or if he’s just saying it to scare me and control me. After an hour I called him and asked him to join us at the park because I was afraid of what he would say or do and I knew if I wanted to change the situation only I could and we’ve just been pretending it never happened but I can’t forget. When he splits I don’t forget and I cannot forgive. I don’t know how I can live like this for another 10-15 years. Right now my son is unaware of it but I see my husband starting to split with my son and I hate it. We are both in individual therapy and couples but I think the only one getting any benefit is me and even that’s limited. If I could leave I would, but I can’t so I don’t. I need some advice please.

[Livinghope]

I will be married to a Spouse with BPD traits for 4 years now(his mom is BPD I didn’t know this before the marriage and he didn’t really show traits until after we were married). I have a to stay married (at least fo now) because we have a 2.5 year old child with very severe food allergies and my husband is unable to care for him and exposes him and to physical danger (unintentionally) but I cannot share custody and I don’t know if there is a way to get sole custody. I’ve heard divorcing a BPD can be worse than being married to one especially when there are children involved. So for now I just want to figure out a way to survive more comfortably. I walk on eggshells and I’ve read (stop walking on eggshells) for now I just try not to talk to much of any consequence because if I don’t say anything for him to jump on right? Wrong, he gets upset if I don’t talk enough but there are very few safe topics. Even where to go out to dinner turned into a major blow up. I canceled our sitter and took my son to the park to get some space for him to calm down and he started saying I was crazy and kidnapping my son and that he’s physically afraid of me because I’m unpredictable and I might hurt him (I’m 5’1” and weigh 105lbs and he’s 6’ and weighs 220). I’m not sure if he’s really trying to build a case to leave me and take our son to hurt me or if he’s just saying it to scare me and control me. After an hour I called him and asked him to join us at the park because I was afraid of what he would say or do and I knew if I wanted to change the situation only I could and we’ve just been pretending it never happened but I can’t forget. When he splits I don’t forget and I cannot forgive. I don’t know how I can live like this for another 10-15 years. Right now my son is unaware of it but I see my husband starting to split with my son and I hate it. We are both in individual therapy and couples but I think the only one getting any benefit is me and even that’s limited. If I could leave I would, but I can’t so I don’t. I need some advice please.

[pearlsw]

Hi Livinghope,



Just so you know there is also a Family Law, Custody, Co Parenting, and Divorce board that you might like to check out!

Sorry about all these troubles and the stuck feeling you are dealing with. It is so hard when one feels the need to make such sacrifices!

Does he say a lot of things regarding your son that are controlling? Do you ever feel unsafe with him? Do you have a safe way to get away when/if necessary?

take care, pearl.

[Livinghope]

I looked at that board briefly and will check it out again when I have more time. We argue often about my son because my husband does not respect that our son has anaphylactic food allergies to peanuts, tree nuts, wheat, egg, and legumes. He thinks I’m making it up or at least the severity of them even though I have brought him to the allergist and pediatrician and presented him with a bunch of letters and information documenting it. So he wants to bring our son to restaurants where he can’t eat any food and he wants me to pack picknick lunches for him and doesn’t understand it’s just a dangerous situation with my son not understanding his allergies and not really being able to articulate distress yet and the fact that he’s a toddler and puts everything in his mouth. My husband just takes a lot of chances and assessed risk differently and I fear for my son and I try not to ever let my husband be alone with him because he makes so many mistakes with cross contamination and denies it when I see it happen. I really worry he’s going to hurt our son. There was one episode 2 years ago where my son was having an anaphylactic response and my husband physically restrained me and prevented me from giving epi pen saying I was over reacting so I called 911 and let the paramedics handle it he was mad and told them I was crazy but I had to go against him for our child’s safety. We don’t have anywhere to go due to the allergies we can’t travel. Our doctors have said it’s hard enough at this age to keep our son safe in the controlled environment of our home so traveling right now is not a good idea. That’s actually one of my husbands complaints. He thinks I’m intentionally keeping our son from his BPD mother and alcoholic father and brothers. I admit I would not be eager to bring our son around them but it’s the allergies that prevent it. All my family comes to us and his won’t.
I guess my main question is how do I avoid conflict or de-escalate it while not giving up my son’s safety and my own feelings.

[pearlsw]

Hi Livinghope,

Sorry to about the issue with the food allergies! That does sound quite worrisome. I am sorry that your partner does not seem to recognize the severity of the issue, or is so focused on his own needs that he does not see the implications of what he is doing.

Have you seen these communication tools?

SET

Validation

They can be helpful. It can be very frustrating at times. I try to use them, but at times my SO barrels right over me and it is very challenging.

I also review this often:

How about 5 steps to respond that can lead to better, more balanced outcomes... .


#1) Regulate your own emotions

Pause - take a deep breath and notice your physical sensations. Label them as the emotion you are experiencing.

Pay attention to your body posture - unclench your hands, relax the muscles on your face. Make sure your other muscles are not tensed.

half-smile - send calming messages to your brain.

validate and cheerlead yourself - you are doing the best that you can right now. Focus on the good



#2) Validate (do this at every step)

soothe your loved ones emotions by finding something to acknowledge.

*You are validating that you understand them.

*That you accept they have a right to their feelings. Even if you don't agree with them.

*That it is a reasonable possibility, and that others would feel the same way.

*That you have empathy for them (a true connection with what they are going through).

*That there is a kernel of truth to what they are expressing.

*That they have a legitimate right to feel as they do.

Whenever emotion begins to build, stop and validate again

The 6 levels of Validation


#3) Ask/assess

specifically, but gently ask "how would you like me to help? Do you want me to listen, give advice, or help you figure out what to do?"

* if the answer is "just listen", then skip step 4 and move to step 5

* if the person wants your input, assess exactly what is going on


#4) brainstorm/troubleshoot

If your loved one wants your help... .

Generate a list of solutions with the help of your loved one.

Collaborate with your loved one to select an option.

Anticipate what could get in the way of your loved one's actually carrying out the plan.


#5) get information on your role (if any) and what you can plan on hearing about the outcome

Are there things that you need to do to help/support your loved one in carrying out the plan?

Request a check-in/follow up if it is important to you. Tell your loved one that you are really interested in knowing what happened and ask to be updated. This is very validating for the person who is in the crisis but also doesn't leave you guessing.


A quick reference  


#1) Regulate your own emotions

#2) Validate (do this at every step)

#3) Ask/assess

#4) brainstorm/troubleshoot

#5) get information on your role (if any) and what you can plan on hearing about the outcome



What if your loved one doesn't participate?

There is no guarantee that your loved one still won't get upset and want to attack and abuse you. This is where it is important to know your own limits and how to properly take care of yourself.

~ ~ communicating a limit ~~

* let them know that you are going to end the conversation if _____ doesn't happen (they don't lower their voice, let you talk, or if they keep cursing)

* give them a chance, even if it's brief to modify their behavior to a way of interacting that works for you.

* make sure you "own" that you are ending the conversation because of your reactions and what you want from the interaction.

* then follow through on what you say if they continue their behavior.

* validate and soothe your loved one's emotions about having a limit established

* assure your loved one that you will be available at a different time or for

a different issue


Shari Manning, "Loving Someone With BPD"


Do you have any support there? Well, keep in mind we're here! Keep posting and getting to know folks. I know I've found it's nice to supportive and understanding people around me here!

take care, pearl.