Will he ever realize the extent of how much he hurt me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

After my recent break up with my BPD partner of 6 months he contacted me accusing me of spreading rumours about him and his friend after one week of no communication. This message opened up a conversation wherein I expressed my feelings to him for the first time, calmly addressing how he has hurt me, and how our relationship was full of double standards and how he has made me feel like an awful person. He completely denied all of this and proceeded to gaslight me, telling me I was crazy and that none of these things ever happened. The conversation was ever so confusing, He kept telling me to move on yet got upset after I told him I had moved on and erased any trace of him from my life in order to make in easier. I am finding it really hard to detach from this relationship, firstly because I do still care about him a lot, two he started this chain of communication, and three Im having a awful time since he doesn't know and wont admit or apologize for the way he has treated me. I have this feeling that is hard to explain, where I wish he could realize the extent of the stress and pain he has caused me. In an ideal world him apologizing would give me a sense of closure. I do go to therapy once a week and have implemented lots of practices and routines in order to heal, but I find myself getting angry at him and further hurt by the fact that he is denying my feelings and calling me names. He has recently starting seeking treatment, as of two months ago. Going to a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and a suicide and depression clinic. I don't want to hurt him, nor do I expect an apology. Its just very difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can so thoroughly deny how I feel. Does anyone have experiences where their partner or ex has eventually come to realize the extent of their damage? Does anyone have any advice on how to help the healing process and move on from these feelings?

[LiveYourBestLife]

Hi,

After my recent break up with my BPD partner of 6 months he contacted me accusing me of spreading rumours about him and his friend after one week of no communication. This message opened up a conversation wherein I expressed my feelings to him for the first time, calmly addressing how he has hurt me, and how our relationship was full of double standards and how he has made me feel like an awful person. He completely denied all of this and proceeded to gaslight me, telling me I was crazy and that none of these things ever happened. The conversation was ever so confusing, He kept telling me to move on yet got upset after I told him I had moved on and erased any trace of him from my life in order to make in easier. I am finding it really hard to detach from this relationship, firstly because I do still care about him a lot, two he started this chain of communication, and three Im having a awful time since he doesn't know and wont admit or apologize for the way he has treated me. I have this feeling that is hard to explain, where I wish he could realize the extent of the stress and pain he has caused me. In an ideal world him apologizing would give me a sense of closure. I do go to therapy once a week and have implemented lots of practices and routines in order to heal, but I find myself getting angry at him and further hurt by the fact that he is denying my feelings and calling me names. He has recently starting seeking treatment, as of two months ago. Going to a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and a suicide and depression clinic. I don't want to hurt him, nor do I expect an apology. Its just very difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can so thoroughly deny how I feel. Does anyone have experiences where their partner or ex has eventually come to realize the extent of their damage? Does anyone have any advice on how to help the healing process and move on from these feelings?

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Hi LiveYourBestLife,

I have this feeling that is hard to explain, where I wish he could realize the extent of the stress and pain he has caused me.

I am very sorry to hear that you have had this kind of experience. It is completely normal to expect the person who is supposed to love you take responsibility of his hurtful behavior. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. I understand that you feel angry and hurt. To me it sounds like you are looking for validation of your hurt feelings from a person who has caused it by his own behavior. This is what apology is all about. If he is sincerely willing to change and look for help, it is of course possible that his eyes will open one day. It is also good that you are in therapy, because your therapist is able to give you the validation you are looking for so the validation you are seeking is not dependent of this person.

Your anger is your friend in detachment process.

[EdR]

Hi Live!

I am sorry to see that you are hurting. Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of us have had a pwBPD who suddenly became aware of their own hurtful behaviour and truly apologise from their heart.

The concensus seems to be that when they would start to feel that way, their shame would kick in, causing them to dysregulate and/or shut themselves off in a way.
You already seem to have seen some of this as you said:
"He completely denied all of this and proceeded to gaslight me, telling me I was crazy and that none of these things ever happened."
Reading through these boards, you will notice that this seems to be one of their ways to cope unfortunately. :-(

[once removed]

a hard lesson for me to learn was that its very rare that an ex (any ex) takes ownership for the breakdown of the relationship, makes amends or goes out of their way to make the other party feel better, or help them heal.

part of the reason being is that both parties tend to see the relationship and its breakdown very differently.

from 30000 feet up, it would be expected that such a conversation would play out this way. he came at you with accusations (anger), and you responded with your feelings (hurt, anger, sadness), and he responded back with more anger. both parties are relitigating old wounds from the relationship, and neither party is in a position to heal those wounds for the other.

zooming in closer, this is a very fresh breakup and those wounds are palpable, and nerves are raw. it would take very little for either party to be triggered and for the conversation to go from 0-60 very quickly.

sometimes, further down the road, with some space and distance, both parties are more interested in making amends and feeling a little better toward each other, and feeling better about how the other party might feel about them.

i would use this time to address and heal your wounds, take and give some space for a while; right now its more likely the two of you will go at it and exacerbate those wounds. at a later point, circumstances might better lend themselves to a closure type conversation.

[LiveYourBestLife]

I’d like to thank everyone for their kind words and advice.

I think I’m overall quite confused by his actions. In the past he has been able to realize how he’s hurt me and apologized. Yet it seems as though he’s forgotten everything. I’m not placing the blame on him for the ending of our relationship. I have apologized for my faults and wrong doings, admitted and attempted to atone for my actions. I guess I wish he would give me the same courtesy and respect I’ve given him. I know I can’t expect this of him. I’m just utterly confused and having a hard time moving past and detaching from him.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I think I’m overall quite confused by his actions. In the past he has been able to realize how he’s hurt me and apologized. Yet it seems as though he’s forgotten everything.

I think that if a person apologizes but keeps repeating the same hurtful actions, the apology is not based on genuine remorse. Second, if a person who says that he loves you but keep hurting you, is it genuine love? My logic says the answer is no. What I think is that if you genuinely feel love and compassion, not just cognitive empathy, you treat others with love and compassion. I do not buy the claims that people with BPD can not control their behavior. They can and they will if it is needed. For instance, they can control their anger and rage in court, or in domestic violence situations where police is called. This proves that they are not emotionally handicapped in a way that they should be given a special treatment, altough their sense of entitlement may make them think that way.

[tin]

"I think I’m overall quite confused by his actions. In the past he has been able to realize how he’s hurt me and apologized. Yet it seems as though he’s forgotten everything."

I can relate to that! I felt like I had to have the same confrontations/discussions about our problems and his actions over and over and over again. I think for me acknowledging and reminding myself that his behavior is not a reflection on me. His actions crossed lines that my actions didn't. Even with my imperfections, my shouting back at him, my giving in to resentment and spite. I didn't deserve to be emotionally abused. And engaging with him, communicating with him, and trying to set boundaries with him was a pointless black hole sucking up my time and energy and life. 2 months or so after I stopped engaging in conversations with him, and only communicated with him about logistics for selling our house and for setting and enforcing those communication boundaries- he did apologize. And like your partner, he apologized profusely many many times before. But his words became meaningless because of his lack of self control and inability to behave respectfully when triggered. As I first started researching emotional abuse, and thawing out from the numbness I was overwhelmed with how angry I was at the situation, the entrapment, the impact I realized it had on me, my personality, my mood, my energy, my well being, my life. I found blocking his email, phone #, social media etc was helpful. I also have been finding it helpful to remember- while his actions are not forgivable and something I no only tolerate- that it's not like in his head there was a thought "I'm going to emotionally abuse her". He did love me, but his own issues, his own traumas, his own chemical imbalances in his head, his own neglect of his needs and boundaries were all a result of his own struggle. And I'm trying not to carry the weight of his struggle anymore. I wonder if your ex is narcissistic that reaching out to communicate with you is just a way to get attention, even if it's negative attention. I think for me continuing to try to explain and re-explain, and re-explain what I was feeling and trying to get him to understand, or remember what he previously seemed to understand was continuing the damage. The trauma bonding. The addiction to the adrenaline rushes of the highs and lows, fight/make up of the relationship. It made me unhappy, I didn't enjoy it, but I was addicted to it and ending the relationship was like 'withdrawal' like others have said. I think cutting those emotional ties, recognizing that their actions and words are unhinged and no longer impact me, how I feel about myself- because their words and actions are following a clear pattern that fits directly with a disorder! It's not about me. It's his childhood trauma, his issues, his past, his present, his mind, his disorder. He didn't mean to do me all the harm he did. Being in denial of such a painful reality- that he harmed the person he loves and wanted a future with, and getting defensive when faced with that reality- is natural and makes sense. But ESPECIALLY so with a narcissist if they are so obsessed with other peoples thoughts of them! Anywayyy hope this helps sorry for the rambling tangent!

[Zemmma]

Yes tin.

That is perfect.

So soo sick of resolving something, giving him a clear description of what actually happened, (not his distortion of reality), and him forgiving me, saying he understands, or even apologizing to me only to turn around and throw it in my face again at a later date with the original distorted thought he had... as though it had never been discussed or resolved.

SOO frustrating.

We can be done with that.

[LiveYourBestLife]

I wonder if your ex is narcissistic that reaching out to communicate with you is just a way to get attention, even if it's negative attention.

Ive never thought of him as a narcissist, but Ive for sure had my suspicions of him reaching out to me as some sort of attention grab or to make sure im still thinking of him and not cutting him out of my life. He constantly tells me he never wants to talk again and so on, telling me im annoying when I reply to his messages yet continues to message me. Threatens to block my number when i reply, and when I reply logically saying if he never wants to talk again he should block my number. After he texted last he made fun of me saying I need to move on, and when I said I am moving on (told him I had deleted him number and all traces of him from my life) he got quite upset saying "I must mean nothing to you if you have erased me from your life." Minutes later I asked why it matters if he means anything to me since I am out of his life and he on multiple times has expressed his distaste for me and he proceeded to deny the fact that he asked if he mattered to me. It is overall quite confusing. Mostly, since he was the one to end things and I was willing to work on our problems and help him through his treatment and what he was going through (A close friend of mine also has BPD and I have played a similar role in her life so I felt mentally prepared to be in his life) Yet he said that I was an awful person who he never wanted to speak to again because I lashed out at him once and told him he was being selfish. So overall after everything I cant wrap my head around everything, him saying he hates me and two minutes later saying he has no hard feelings towards me. Saying he never wants to speak to me again yet reinserting himself into my life. Expressing the fact that he does not care what i think of him, and minutes later getting upset by the fact that im moving on. He constantly flips back from "this is working right now, i need my space." to "This will never work, leave me alone, you are not for me." i dont know how to navigate this situation, or do I know what to expect from the future.

[Getoverit]

Ive never thought of him as a narcissist, but Ive for sure had my suspicions of him reaching out to me as some sort of attention grab or to make sure im still thinking of him and not cutting him out of my life. He constantly tells me he never wants to talk again and so on, telling me im annoying when I reply to his messages yet continues to message me. Threatens to block my number when i reply, and when I reply logically saying if he never wants to talk again he should block my number. After he texted last he made fun of me saying I need to move on, and when I said I am moving on (told him I had deleted him number and all traces of him from my life) he got quite upset saying "I must mean nothing to you if you have erased me from your life." Minutes later I asked why it matters if he means anything to me since I am out of his life and he on multiple times has expressed his distaste for me and he proceeded to deny the fact that he asked if he mattered to me. It is overall quite confusing. Mostly, since he was the one to end things and I was willing to work on our problems and help him through his treatment and what he was going through (A close friend of mine also has BPD and I have played a similar role in her life so I felt mentally prepared to be in his life) Yet he said that I was an awful person who he never wanted to speak to again because I lashed out at him once and told him he was being selfish. So overall after everything I cant wrap my head around everything, him saying he hates me and two minutes later saying he has no hard feelings towards me. Saying he never wants to speak to me again yet reinserting himself into my life. Expressing the fact that he does not care what i think of him, and minutes later getting upset by the fact that im moving on. He constantly flips back from "this is working right now, i need my space." to "This will never work, leave me alone, you are not for me." i dont know how to navigate this situation, or do I know what to expect from the future.

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not trying to be funny when I ask, "Are we with the same guy?" The examples you gave are exactly what I have been experiencing for two years. My therapist has repeatedly reminded me that he has no boundaries and therefore respects no one else's. Also, since everything he says and does is rooted in his motivation to provoke and get a reaction from us there can never be a loving relationship. If we are dealing with the same personality disorder this man thrives off of your misery. He needs you to be upset, furious, angry, irrational--all the things that create stress and will kill you--in order for him to feel like he's the victim and you're the cause of his pain. Are you looking to stay in the relationship with him or trying to extricate yourself from it?

[LiveYourBestLife]

At this point I’m not sure, mostly since he says he never wants to speak to me again then makes all the confusing statements. I don’t want to sit around thinking and caring about someone who has no intention of speaking to me again. I’m in a place where I am trying to distance myself and remove myself from the situation, since he currently seems to be in a pretty awful place where we would be unable to have a healthy conversation or work on any of our other issues. In the past he has been very vocal and supportive when it comes to the both of our feelings, I’m just not sure if it will ever get to that place again. And even if it does the cycle will most likely continue, right now I’m just trying to focus on myself to better my feelings and also prepare myself for anything down the road wether or not he never speaks to me again which would break my heart, or if we talk and preparing myself for the hard conversations ahead. Since if we were to get back together at this point I wouldn’t want to just sweep things under the rug. I guess I’m stuck in a sort of limbo, where I both want to work on myself and get better, but I’m also afraid he has blacklisted me.