Our boyfriend was diagnosed with BPD years ago.

[jokkun]

Hi, everyone.

A little backstory on me: I am 24, gay and in a polyfidelitous (throuple/triad) relationship with my husband (28) and our boyfriend (22). Our boyfriend was diagnosed with BPD years ago after repeated hospitalization. I have only recently been diagnosed with BPD myself (two of us in ONE relationship!). I actually found out about BPD through him, and sought out counseling and sure enough - diagnosed. I have a bit of narcissistic characteristics (mainly don't like being made to feel wrong -- I take it as very harsh criticism) and paranoid characteristics. The boyfriend has histrionic characteristics (great combo for paranoia, really!).

I've been seeking out online resources to help learn to cope with the BPD and our relationship struggles. The boyfriend is in therapy with a therapist that specializes in BPD -- I am not (no insurance, so can't afford more than I have); though we do occasionally have group sessions with his therapist.

To give the short version of things, our relationship goes a little something like this:

- BF, myself AND husband are very attached.
- BF has an abandonment fear breakdown early on, we work through the fears and we're back to normal.
- BF has very histrionic behaviors (danced with his shirt off at a club, overly flirtatious, still snapping flirtatious pictures to FWBs/exes).
- We have argument, BF stops doing this (as far as I know) and deletes almost all of his FWBs/exes (except one -- which he says is platonic now, but is ironically the one that triggered the argument).
- BF's therapist gives him the "take it slow talk."
- BF withdraws to his "recharge phase" (which consists of limited texting to us, but he hangs out with his friends/this (different) guy he had a minor flirtation with).
- This sets off my paranoia, I begin spiraling into an anxious, paranoid state -- which pushes me into a withdrawal state.
- He comes out of his "recharge phase" and we're back to being clingy.
- Over time he goes back into his recharge phase and the cycle begins anew.

The BF hasn't done anything to necessarily trigger my paranoia outside of omission and the "recharge phases." He's the world's worst about omitting details of something, then bringing it up casually later. This doesn't work well with my paranoia when he has lunch/hangs out on a business trip with a male, gay co-worker of his and "forgets" to mention it until he mentions something about it a week later when discussing something unrelated.

The two "friends" I have a problem with, though, are:

1.) The one that triggered the argument. A guy who lives out-of-state that he started talking to four months before us (romantically) and they still continued to sext/send nudes and flirt. He sent the guy a still-wet-just-out-of-the-shower-in-a-towel photo on snapchat IN FRONT OF ME, which is what caused the argument. He proceeded to delete ALL of his old FWBs/exes (I didn't ask him to), EXCEPT this guy. He says they don't flirt when one of them is in a relationship (again, they met FOUR MONTHS before we did). As far as I've seen it's platonic now (he's good about opening the snaps while we're together). Just goofy faces here or there.

2.) A "straight" friend (with a girlfriend that lives out of the country) that lives next door to the BF. The BF has talked about how hot this friend is before. The friend and BF got drunk one night (before we were dating) and the friend asked him to send him nudes, and they kissed. He typically hangs out with this friend alone, during his "recharge phases" and they smoke weed and drink together. This guy also complains to the BF about his GF a lot, alone, drunk. Thankfully, this guy just moved to be closer to the GF.


We have gotten fairly good at communicating about our issues and fears, though the BF has mentioned before that we have a lot of "heavy conversation." So when a new issue arises for me, I've become hesitant to mention it out of concern of pushing him into another "recharge phase."

I guess I'm just looking to vent a little and definitely looking for some advice. Anyone have any experience with partners with histrionic/attention-seeking tendencies? Or paranoid tendencies?

Also, I'm curious about this "recharge phase." Is this something that's common in BPD? Or is it, like I believe, more likely an abandonment fear withdrawal (which I do myself at times)?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lady Itone]

Welcome!

I'm also in homosexual relationship with someone with uBPD, and I mostly identify as polyamorous. Not polyfidelous--we date separately.

When I was your boyfriend's age, however, I was in a "throuple." This was like 25 year ago before any of this had these names we were just wingin' it. Like your boyfriend, I was the "3rd." It's a difficult position.

I remember from experience how hard threesomes are to maintain (I ended up leaving mine after 2 years. They're still married.) I can only imagine how much harder with disordered individuals--I must say during that period of my life, I was pretty much borderline myself having meltdowns constantly.

This place has been helpful to me. I don't have much to say about your specific questions, I suspect histrionic and attention-seeking is common to many disordered folk in their 20's, (and the rest of too.)  I do not recognize a "recharge" period with my gf. I wish she'd go out and do things with her friends and stop blowing up my phone, sounds great!

[pearlsw]

Hi jokkun,



Sounds like you have a tough dynamic with your BPD partner. How does your other partner, the non BPD one, fit into the mix? Does he have understanding?

I think an important piece is to just focus on the part of this situation that you can control which is you. This site can't teach you how to manage with BPD, and I'm sorry you don't have full access to medical care, I know how that is! But it can offer tools to help you, possibly, deal with some of the behaviors you are seeing in your partner. It sounds nice that you make an effort to recognize and understand yourself. I think that would be of great benefit in discovering how to respond.

Are you familiar with these basic tools?

SET

Validation

with compassion, pearl.