Big Transition- BPD style

[Letloverule]

My wife wBPD and I have been planning to move to a city that we both love for years. A few months ago we put specific plans in place to make that happen. We are now literally 72 hours away from the big move and it has been an emotional roller coaster for at least a month.

1-I make significantly more money because of the line of work I’m in. I put things in place to get offered a new job in the new city. This gets constantly thrown in my face: look at the big shot here... .who has the perfect job lined up, and me not even having a job and doing all the work like your maid for the move and you don’t do a thing.

2-We currently live in a smaller town where we gradually got involved with a large community of volunteers whom we’ve built friendships. We expected a bit more from them in terms of saying goodbye. But people get busy. They have lives. They’ve done what they can. Her response: dumb idiots we called “friends” don’t event show up... .then she calls them out, I’m going to unfriend them on social media and you should too to support me...

3- when I’m not working, I create and perform music. I was invited to play at a show as a farewell. I was yelled at before and after the show: look at you... .focusing on yourself... didn’t even mention my name on stage. ( FYI I never do that... .because I assumed that would embarrass her... .apparently that was a sh*tty excuse this time)

I’m not the most action oriented person in this relationship. Every time I turn around, she is doing tasks and things for the move before I can think of them and then I get shouted at for not doing enough, for placing the burden on her, for being selfish and lazy. I can’t catch up.

We’ve had hours of discussion calmly about our needs. But here we are over and over again.

I’m developing a trusting friendship with a friend (who was once a mutual friend) who my wife now hates... .but whom I see kindness in.
This friend is starting to see the cracks... .she sees my stress... .my sadness and anger at all of this.

I just want to disappear. Thanks for listening

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Lefloverule, thank you for sharing. I know that feeling of wanting to disappear all too well. For me it's more like wanting to collapse on the road and have someone take me to the hospital so I can sleep for two years... .

A move to a new city and a new job is an intensely stressful thing to begin with without having to do so with a partner with BPD traits. I bristle at the idea of doing it myself. When we take a trip my wife moves at a thousand miles a minute and ALWAYS get the same upbraiding the day before about how she did everything. Problem is she was done before I even finished my to do list. 

Moving stress aside, it clear your wife's behavior is sapping the enjoyment out of some of your most important escapes, e.g. music and friends. What do you think you can do to protect these things?

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hi Letloverule,

Sorry things are so difficult regarding your move!

I understand what it feels like just wanting to dissolve into nothing... .we can all start to look from escapes when we are under such pressure! I strongly urge you to maintain your health!

You seem very calm and centered despite all the stress. This board is more about venting, but on the Bettering board we do have a focus on communication tools if you ever feel open to that kind of approach.

Is there more to this friendship?

warmly, pearl.

[Enabler]

Hey Letloverule,

Tough double-blind and you've not even hit the road yet. How are you getting on mentally dealing with these outburst? Are you "yes dear", do you let it was over you and do your own thing, or do you stand up to her? Would be great to find out how you deal with it. Often how we deal with the onslaught alters the way we absorb/or don't the negativity into our conscience and sentiment about ourselves.

I just wanted to check on the last part of your quote here... .are you eluding to developing feelings for the friend, or that you have finally found someone who seems to understand what is going on in your marriage?

I’m developing a trusting friendship with a friend (who was once a mutual friend) who my wife now hates... .but whom I see kindness in.
This friend is starting to see the cracks... .she sees my stress... .my sadness and anger at all of this.

[Red5]

I’m not the most action oriented person in this relationship. Every time I turn around, she is doing tasks and things for the move before I can think of them and then I get shouted at for not doing enough, for placing the burden on her, for being selfish and lazy. I can’t catch up.

When we take a trip my wife moves at a thousand miles a minute and ALWAYS get the same upbraiding the day before about how she did everything. Problem is she was done before I even finished my to do list. 

Ah' yes... .the old' "I have to do EVERYTHING" line... .a true classic ,

Takes all the cream and sugar out of it doesn't it... .

I hate this, .even when I ignore, my face still stays red for a quite a spell after she slaps my face with that one (metaphorically).

And what to do about it... .just "ban" all travel with her, my u/BPDw... .I have considered it, oh' yes I have... .even started construction on a boundary built to suite, .but I never hold to it.

Red5