Do you think they’ll ever feel bad about what they’ve done?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Even though I suffered lots of emotional abuse from my dad and stepmom, I have hope that someday, even if it’s on their deathbed, they will give my sister and I a sincere “I’m sorry for... .”. 

I could be wrong, but I feel like my SM May feel regretful even though she won’t admit it. Several years ago, before I went NC on them, she told me she has been taking antidepressants for the first time in her life because she finds herself crying all the time. I asked her why she cries, but she said she didn’t know. Maybe because she has regrets about the horrible things she’s done to sister and I?

When my dad and I reconnected last winter after 5 years of NC, I decided that he and my SM hadn’t changed and I once again cut him off. But this time, I gave him a piece of my mind and called him out on a lot of bull___. This is the first time I’ve ever stood up to him. It was via text, but hey, better than nothing. He ignored me.  A few days later, my sister texted him to tell him her surgery went well. She didn’t know about our falling out. He replied to her with “I’m sorry for being such a bad dad over the years.”  With that type of response, I thought that maybe he was coming around a bit, maybe he thought about the things I said to him a few days earlier. I guess not, it’s been several months since he texted her that and she  hasn’t  heard from him since then, not even on her birthday.

What bothers me the most is how well he treats other people who are the same age as me, sis and his only grandson (age 12). He’s always treated us like we were gum on his shoe. But everyone else loves him, and he bends over backwards for them. I recently saw pics of him at a birthday party for a 13 year old. My dad was handing him a gift and everyone looked so happy in the pics. Meanwhile, he cut off his only grandson because the grandson said he was “bored” at his house once. He makes me sick.

[Jennylove]

Even though I suffered lots of emotional abuse from my dad and stepmom, I have hope that someday, even if it’s on their deathbed, they will give my sister and I a sincere “I’m sorry for... .”. 

I could be wrong, but I feel like my SM May feel regretful even though she won’t admit it. Several years ago, before I went NC on them, she told me she has been taking antidepressants for the first time in her life because she finds herself crying all the time. I asked her why she cries, but she said she didn’t know. Maybe because she has regrets about the horrible things she’s done to sister and I?

When my dad and I reconnected last winter after 5 years of NC, I decided that he and my SM hadn’t changed and I once again cut him off. But this time, I gave him a piece of my mind and called him out on a lot of bull___. This is the first time I’ve ever stood up to him. It was via text, but hey, better than nothing. He ignored me.  A few days later, my sister texted him to tell him her surgery went well. She didn’t know about our falling out. He replied to her with “I’m sorry for being such a bad dad over the years.”  With that type of response, I thought that maybe he was coming around a bit, maybe he thought about the things I said to him a few days earlier. I guess not, it’s been several months since he texted her that and she  hasn’t  heard from him since then, not even on her birthday.

What bothers me the most is how well he treats other people who are the same age as me, sis and his only grandson (age 12). He’s always treated us like we were gum on his shoe. But everyone else loves him, and he bends over backwards for them. I recently saw pics of him at a birthday party for a 13 year old. My dad was handing him a gift and everyone looked so happy in the pics. Meanwhile, he cut off his only grandson because the grandson said he was “bored” at his house once. He makes me sick.

[Turkish]

I think his text indicated "something." How would you feel of that was all he was capable of giving,  in that he's "limited" (emotionally) as my T once said about my ex?

[Jennylove]

Honestly, I do not know what I feel about it.  My sis said he said it angrily. It wasn’t a remorseful tone. And I feel like if he really did mean it, why does he continue to hurt her by ignoring her?

[BlueRidgeGal]

In my situation, no. My BPD/narcissistic mother never sees that's she's done anything wrong. Sometimes she even goes so far as to claim not to remember doing something hurtful or hateful.

[Notwendy]

Mine too. After telling a bunch of outright lies about me to extended family ( I found out about them because she also called my in laws to tell them the same thing and they told me -( they are on to her), I confronted her about them. She denied it. She even said " I have never lied to you"!

I consider the saying how do I know she is lying?-- if her lips are moving.

However, I will agree with Turkish about a halfway apology being the best they can do. I think an apology is very difficult. A pwBPD has a poor sense of self- saying "I made a mistake" triggers a large shame reaction- "I am a mistake, defective, horrible... etc". I don't think they can manage the feelings that go along with this. It feels as if their whole self is being destroyed.

I have heard a half apology. She once expressed regret for not being the best parent during my teen years - but she doesn't discuss what it is she regrets and I don't have any interest bringing it up with her.

The lying incident has some repercussions. Some of the family members on her side of the family stopped speaking to me after that. She has now tried to repair the estrangement but she can not do that without clearing up the lies which would mean admitting to them. She won't do that, so she tries to get me to contact them. One relative will speak to me but his wife won't. Makes it awkward, but I have been receptive and cordial if they contact me. I probably won't be able to trust them fully, but I don't want to behave badly to them.

She did finally say to me " well I think I may have said some things but I am not sure I did". I realized this is the closest she can probably get to an apology and I don't pursue this with her.

She seems to prefers what I call the "dry erase board" method. It was done, now erase it and it is gone. Pretends to forget, expects us to forget too. But this doesn't help lead to repairing a relationship. I think it is the best she can do though, and part of radical acceptance is to see that this is what it is.

[hellebore1]

My own uBPD half sib has splitting so badly it's almost as though he doesn't realize other people even have feelings.  They're either with him and enabling him, at which point he'll be nice but it feels like manipulation to keep the help coming in my experience  - or horrible, monstrous people.  He's also got quite a history of false accusations and lies.

At some level I do realize he's likely in horrible pain to behave this way, but I got to the point I couldn't take it any more and went NC.  In answer to your question - absolutely no I don't think he'll ever apologize or even admit to what he's done.  He has no close friends, no romantic partner, NC with my entire family except my mother and still everything wrong in his life is still everyone else's fault.

I'd feel terribly sorry for him if I hadn't been horribly victimized by him when I was too young to protect myself from him and my parents allowed the abuse... .have prayed for years he'll get counseling but sadly, I don't see that ever happening.