Understanding why I attached in the first place

[Shawnlam]

As most of you on here I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to understand why I’m still attached to my ex when they have moved on as easily as changing their socks.I foreone am frankly tired of thinking about her so I have been reading up on why.For me personally I’m not buying into the whole codependency definition for myself in particular and my therapist agrees.Before my ex I was the opposite and have always been too independent and I needed to understand why her and what changed .Ive always been pretty much a solo show in my life’s decisions and needed nobody to feel great.All my past relationships went well and frankly it was my independence that caused them to end. and they all ended well .Below is what I found that after reading sheds light on then”why” ... .
nicolamethodforhighconflict.com

[Wicker Man]

I need to understand why I’m still attached to my ex.

I can, of course, only speak for myself and from my limited anecdotal experience... .But it is hard for me to detatch first and foremost because I loved her.

Loving her, because of her undiagnosed BPD, was a challenge -Life with her was a 'variable ratio schedule' (the most enticing of all reward schedules).

Variable Ratio Reinforcement: Behavior is reinforced after an unpredictable number of times.  E.g. a slot machine.  The response is fast, in other words people get trained quickly and the extinction is slow, it is hard to stop the learned behavior. -I.e. it is hard to detach.

I am a very even person, very consistent in my affection and care for my significant other.  She was all over the board sometimes incredibly loving, sometimes distant and sometimes very angry.  One week she simply stopped speaking with me.  --I panicked and instead of backing off I chased her.  I believe in part because of the on and off, hot and cold variable ratio schedule aspect of our relationship.

In the past I had had good relationships and bad relationships, but never one which yo-yoed so much.  Intellectually, I should have know, but in the fray all I knew was it hurt when she was distant and felt wonderful when she was all there.  This kept me off balance, it was an emotional maelstrom.

(People suffering from BPD) they have moved on as easily as changing their socks.

From what I have read and even experienced a couple times during my relationship with her, she could 'move on' and emotionally turn on a dime, but there was a huge cost for her.  It seemed to be fear based, not a matter of "ha ha!' --I am going to give Wicker Man hell today. 

When she gave me hell she was drowning in her own personal hell. -This further makes it hard for me to detach, because she wasn't being malicious, she was caught in an emotional torrent.  The result of which was very painful for me, but I have a feeling there was plenty of pain to go around.  When she came back to me after that week I believe she felt crushing shame.

I still have no anger toward her, just pity.  My pity for her and her condition makes my leaving her hard to reconcile. In other words hard to emotionally detach.

I foreone am frankly tired of thinking about her

This is why we find ourselves here today.  Once again, speaking for myself, I truly loved this person.  She is not a condition, she is not simply BPD -she is a fellow human being who (likely) suffers from a debilitating personality disorder.  I must figure out how to detach, process the experience and move on with my life.  It is proving to be a challenge.

She loved me, in her way, very deeply.  In our time together we loved, laughed and taught each other, we grew and in someways thrived.  I have been changed forever from the experience of knowing her -however, I believed the relationship was too dangerous for me to continue.  This is hard to process and hard to accept.  Once again hard to detach.

Back to your original question 'why I’m still attached?' --the child in me rails against her alleged condition screaming 'why'?  Why could not this have been the fairytale love it seemed to be?  Why was my love not enough to give her a place to finally heal and be at peace?  Why could this love not have been what it seemed to be?

In our final week she was raging and her treatment of me was appalling, she was saying terrible and dangerous things.  Things which made me fear for our future and my personal future wellbeing.  However, I believe she still felt great love and need for me.  This is the catch 22 of BPD as I see it. 

This is hard to reconcile.  How can someone who loved me so much treat me so terribly?  How could I feel I need the leave the person in my life for whom I felt the greatest love?  I have never felt so strongly about another human being -ever.

I’m not buying into the whole codependency definition for myself in particular and my therapist agrees.

I am a codependent in that I put my mates happiness and wellbeing at least on par if not to an extent before my own.  I have to take great care in this, but since it is my 'trait' it has always been my approach to relationships.  I look at it as being an idealist.  Love in my (perhaps childish) view should be ideally two people who care at least as much for their mates as they do for themselves.  --This rarely works out, but it is a nice theory. 

I know I need to proceed with caution keeping my trait in mind, but I enjoy making my mate happy -it is perhaps one of my greatest joys.  Codependence has degrees from trait to dependency(PD).  I will continue to explore this through therapy, but I do not believe this is the mechanism which makes ending this relationship so hard -- it is the potential I saw in the relationship -which is now lost.

It is ultimately a good thing to be an empathetic caring human being, but it makes detachment and loss painful.  However, without the ability to feel this pain there is likely little room to feel love in the future.

Today is her birthday -I will say one final time... .It is hard to detach.


Wicker Man

[Lucky Jim]

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to understand why I’m still attached to my ex

Hey Shawn, Like Wicker Man, I think this is a worthwhile inquiry.  You could go back even farther and ask how you ever got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?  That's the place to start, in my view.  The answer usually has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma, though not always.  If you can identify the origin, it's a lot easier to detach because you see the pattern.  Does this make sense to you?

LuckyJim

[Shawnlam]

Being a codependent has nothing to do with being caring or empathetic to a loved one , it is a requirement to not be alone.I cared and love my ex still ,but that doesn’t mean it’s what causes me to think about her.If you read the article it has a very plausible approach to what has happened .Love is one thing and I’ll never say the opposite that I love her but it’s not why I’m still not letting go

[Skip]

If you read the article it has a very plausible approach to what has happened

I'm familiar with that blogger and I read the page. I'm not seeing "a very plausible approach to what happened".

What are you looking at, Shawn? Can you quote it here?

[Shawnlam]

I'm familiar with that blogger and I read the page. I'm not seeing "a very plausible approach to what happened".  What are you looking at, Shawn? Can you quote it here?

In my case although fairly vain I’ll admit to think this ,I believe this part hit home with me the most .I don’t believe she loved me per say but the idea of what I represented for her (potentially).It doesn’t make her a bad person , she’s ill it’s her survival tactic and that’s why is still love her immensely.

BPD and Male Self-Esteem

Women with traits of BPD have the ability to elicit or evoke very powerful feelings in their relationship partners. But this effect is not mysterious nor is it magical, although it certainly may feel that way at the time. We’re now going to take a look at how the reflection of a man’s best qualities seen through the eyes of the woman he loves can cause him to throw caution to the wind and take down all of his barriers leaving him in an extremely vulnerable state.

In order to understand how she accomplishes her goal of getting a man to completely devote himself to her, we will need to address one more aspect of BPD idealization. Once a woman with traits of BPD has blocked out a man’s negative character attributes, she often begins a process of mining for hidden positive qualities in him.

These are positive qualities that all people possess. Although we are all capable of embodying these qualities, our fear and negative past experiences often cause us to keep them under wraps. But when someone recognizes our best hidden qualities it can make us feel like a million dollars.

We all have egos, and when we see ourselves reflected in another’s eyes as braver, stronger, more powerful or more loving, considerate or kind, we cannot help but bathe in that adoration. Seeing our best self reflected in the eyes of a loved one can soothe all of our fears and inhibitions and can heal our childhood wounds. By reflecting these hidden qualities a woman with traits of BPD can lift a man’s self-esteem to new highs.

Here is a list of some of the positive character attributes that women with traits of BPD may evoke in their partners during the initial idealization phase of their relationship.
www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/ex-girlfriend-BPD-good-times/

[Skip]

We all have egos, and when we see ourselves reflected in another’s eyes as braver, stronger, more powerful or more loving, considerate or kind, we cannot help but bathe in that adoration.

Yes. This is what idealization is all about. This is why people with deep FOO wounds, or acute emotional wounds (breakup, divorce, death), or low self esteem, or large egos tend to become deeply committed.  I suspect her young age amplified the power of the adoration.

Everyone appreciates adoration. Some, however, see their own value through it. Some react very badly when it is taken away.

I don’t believe she loved me per say but the idea of what I represented for her (potentially).

Do you think this is also true for you? That you didn't love her per se, but how she made you feel about yourself?

In the 6-7 months of your relationship, there was 6-8 weeks of intense romance and the rest of the time you both treated each other badly, selfishly.

[Wicker Man]

... .or large egos tend to become deeply committed.  I suspect her young age amplified the power of the adoration.

This was certainly the case for me.  However, I had the plausibly deniability of cultural differences.  When she told me 'I have had never met anyone like you' --I took her at her word.  Was she mirroring? Undoubtedly.  However, her friends told me they had never seen her smile before we were together.

As a point of fact she kept saying 'What are you?'  I treated her as my equal and got great joy in making her happy.  Her family was shocked one evening when I helped clear the dinner table -they said why isn't she doing it?  I said simply 'It is my turn'.

... .how she made you feel about yourself?

This was precisely the attraction.  When I was with her I felt like I was growing in leaps and bounds culturally, artistically and as a human being.  Not because she adored me, but because of how she made me want to be.  I wanted to become greater, bigger and better to be worthy of her love and adoration -for me it was fuel.  I have a titanic ego, but when I was with her I was not interested in resting on my laurels.  I saw it as a time for growth -to be the best man I could be.

Should I have seen the disfunction and red flags?  Certainly, but in the moment and in the fray it felt like 'big love'.  What I had been making myself ready for my entire life. Was it 'too good to be true'?  Likely -but the child in my rails against this.  Why did it have to be too good?  Live and learn... .

 --Of course I am spending time in therapy discussing all of this.  Yesterday was brutal... .  He suggested it might have been worth the risk.  His job is to challenge me and that he does.

Back to the original thread.  Detaching is diabolically difficult.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

  Skip

Oh I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t happy with how she made me feel.For sure that had lots to do with it !I made my fair share of mistakes and she as well! But I can say though I still love her very much and I now understand why she can’t be around me.She gets way too emotional and touchy feely and always happy almost excessively.She kept telling me I was forbidden no clue what that even means ,but at least I understand why she avoids me and it’s ok now.

[once removed]

a couple of points... .

For me personally I’m not buying into the whole codependency definition for myself in particular and my therapist agrees.Before my ex I was the opposite and have always been too independent and I needed to understand why her and what changed .

1. codependency, or codependent tendencies are often pigeonholed and stereotyped as a sort of over clingyness, complete and total enmeshment and/or dependence in more obvious ways like "inability to be alone". it didnt make as much sense for me either for a while, as for one, i fought hard to maintain my independence in my relationship, and two, i didnt see, quite as clearly, my attachment issues, mistakes made, or especially the anger i displayed, in other relationships. dont let this stuff trip you up or confuse you, codependency is broader than this.

"The opposite of codependency is a well differentiated self"

a person with codependent tendencies (even a reflective and introspective one) has difficulty seeing themselves clearly, as it pertains to their place in life, relationships, coping, conflict, ability to adapt, etc. shawn, i think you would agree that it took a while for you to begin to see some of this in your relationship. youve reached for it, and still are, and i applaud you for that.

2. i think a lot of us look at our past relationships, see more chaos and instability, more confusion, greater difficulty grieving and letting go, see ourselves doing destructive things we hadnt necessarily done in past relationships (or at least not to the same degree) and conclude that all of this was a result of our partners, and if we just learn to spot BPD traits and avoid them, that we will be just fine. dont let this trip you up either. watch how many members recycle with their exes, or go on to find another disastrous relationship (me), or another relationship with BPD traits, after spending hours reading about BPD.

for a lot of us, our lives, and our "ways", seemed to suit us until now (functioning alcoholics are functioning alcoholics until they hit rock bottom). this time, we ran into real adversity, and we got our butts kicked; and think about what that means when you consider that BPD traits make for inherently weak relationships skills.

one of the potentially silver linings of these relationships (or any significant test from adversity) is that they have a way of revealing things about us that were always there, in greater or lesser degrees, that we couldnt see so clearly before. i would predict that from this point, these things will be more obvious to you now, and harder to ignore. youll start to more easily see them in your past, too.

Freedom (final stage of detaching) and healing to me are about finding these things, facing them, learning from them, and becoming better equipped to deal with adversity, which we will face again. the beautiful thing is that it frees us from the maladaptive stuff (though for most of us these tendencies or habits remain tendencies on some level) and can help us go on to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

[Lucky Jim]

one of the potentially silver linings of these relationships (or any significant test from adversity) is that they have a way of revealing things about us that were always there, in greater or lesser degrees, that we couldnt see so clearly before.

Nicely put, once removed, and something I hadn't really thought about before.   

Yes, one learns a lot about oneself in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, in a good way.  It leads to greater self-awareness, as you're discovering, ShawnIam.

LJ

[Shawnlam]

Yeah I’ve learnt more about myself than her that’s for sure plenty of work to do but I’m not bitter anymore.I thought I’d come out of this as a lesser man but I realize I may very well come out stronger in the end .

[Shawnlam]

Honestly I’ve come to not blame myself for what happened even though people on here tend to blame me .Im not the one who went far right with the let’s get married ,let’s live together , let’s keep a child that should never have happened if she would have been responsible with her contraceptives.I followed and did go right when it came to moving in  yeah sure but when she pivoted left and said no I was confused and felt stupid having done all that foot work so I was angry. I don’t think I need to apologize because my emotions aren’t volatile like hers, she can pivot from love to hate to not sure in a hour , I can’t / couldn’t. Call me clingy for going along with her suggestion , ok fine I guess , I was in love with her and thought she was my soulmate during the idealization phase,what a monster I was for falling for the mirroring? Ummm no sorry I’m not a brute or clingy person by natural nature.I changed and was changed by an expert in analysis , hate me for it sure fine I don’t care it was after all my mistake I lacked the tools and knowledge to see it and deal with it.Plus nobody forced me to drink to suppress my sixth sense firing off the danger alarm ,I did that all on my lonesome .Its really why you really can’t be angry with these individuals BPD or not , WE let this happen.Yeah certain factors we couldn’t control like in my case her cheating, stringing along a harem of ex boyfriends.I also never saw coming the pregnancy but nobody put a gun to my head to have unprotected sex with her .I took care of her during the abortion,at the clinic and after she was with me and I made sure she was ok.Not a good experience , but I won’t blame her by saying she was neglectful with her pills and she got pregnant .After two kids and three abortions it’s clear she is not a mature individual to be so careless with herself, but then again all the signs she was like this were flashing in front of me the whole time and “I” chose to ignore them.

When I said I needed to understand why I keep thinking about her Crom wasn’t to finger point at me and blame me only.It was to figure out legitimately why I still do think of her and to stop it? I can’t fix her I can only fix me .I think for one I did have issues to fix but not those that people here think I have .Im not clingy as a person I’m actually very dependent,I just don’t take well to being jerked around from highs to lows for uncalled for reasons nothing wrong with that as far as I’m concerned ( and it’s never ever happened before in last relationships).Im not a brute or angry either ,but when you get poked in the eye enough you need to establish a “enough now attiude” or else you lose a piece of you that you can’t live with.I left her twice not because I wanted to be an a$$ But because she far overstepped the boundaries of respect and if it frightened her away for good so be it then.She won’t learn anything from it as she already lost a house and engagement the last times she goes off doing what she wants completely against proper relationship etiquette, she lost me and she will continue losing endless amounts in the future.The whole “ have your cake and eat it to “ analogy applies to her to a tee! She doesn’t like to be dumped or challenged well too bad BPD or not, they know what they are doing and the don’t get a free pass.

In final CRom I do believe I needed to change myself not for her , but for me , this is what I took out of all this mess:

1: I hate feeling vulnerable so I’m working on that with my therapist
2:I’m way too logical and barly emotional so I need to balance that to be more wise
3: I have enough empathy in life just not enough for someone with BPD and I chose not to work on that because they aren’t worth the effort in my eyes .Not because of what we don’t get back that’s selfish thinking,but more because life is too short to waste working on something we didn’t create or break.
4: I need to let go and I have ,if it’s one thing I learnt is to let go.Yeah she cheated on me,yes she moved on mere minutes after we were done,she lied constantly,etc etc... .honestly who cares .Shes broken and I feel more compassion and love for her now than I did at the beginning when it was more selfish fish love .What I wanted and wanted never happened ,now I want nothing from her except for her to find happiness anywhere in anyway period .I think nobody deserves to live in pain,everyone deserves happiness and she’s a mother of two so she has two extra people who need happiness and joy as well.

[Lucky Jim]

I thought I’d come out of this as a lesser man but I realize I may very well come out stronger in the end .

Right, I predict that, after you go through the grieving process, you will emerge stronger.

LJ

[Cromwell]

Hi shawn

I was the same as you and im still not completely there yet, but I can fully relate to the thinking of her, I think I got better the longer the no contact went and id have completely forgot about her by now if I hadnt met her on the bus. So theres one option to try, long term no contact just to reassure you that there is an option. Second is my situation now, I have actually done a great deal of surreptitious questions to her that I wanted answers for, and it has given me a lot of insight and a very much needed amount of compassion for not just what she had done, but the circumstances that led up to it, and her past. In short, I feel like I finally forgave her for a broken heart, but it took a very long time.

What I really want to focus now on is my future, last night I had a lot of stress from studying, an important exam today, but I was caught up without even realising it, thinking of her and our recent texts. Then I woke up and felt the stress evaporated, because I am finding resolution and answers, probably whilst I sleep. There is a lot of processing going on without even realising it, this is why you cant forget. I couldnt figure out if coming here to talk about her reinforced her in my mind, or if it helped me to detach, it often felt like the former, perhaps it does to an extent, but I can report back now that im in a much stronger place, doing my own thing, and she is just a text away but I dont feel the urge to do so. I do feel a lot stronger and happier as a result, although I could have been at this stage by staying NC, I estimate I would have been but maybe I wouldnt have found some more insight and answers which I have done very recently.

Just dont get upset if you do think of her, its a process, one thing that helped me was to force myself to keep busy, even if being busy meant I still thought of her. Being around other people, I still thought of her, yet - over time, less and less. Especially try to chat to women, ive became really good friends with some from work, even if your not ready for a new r/s, ive had a few dates and theyve went well, it helped me to really stop thinking of her as the centre of my universe she once was.

[Cromwell]

I also agree with this, you wont only become stronger, you are stronger already. Might be difficult to believe but its hard to notice the subtle signs of progress being made each day towards overcoming this.

[once removed]

I don’t think I need to apologize because my emotions aren’t volatile like hers, she can pivot from love to hate to not sure in a hour , I can’t / couldn’t.

shawn, come on. you did this repeatedly. one minute laying into her on Detaching and then trying to get together with her. you are still doing it.

i bring it up because it speaks precisely to the how and "why you attached in the first place".

I was in love with her and thought she was my soulmate during the idealization phase,what a monster I was for falling for the mirroring?

not a monster. just someone who over invested in the honeymoon stages of a relationship, as did she. this goes to how and why you attached in the first place and why you struggle now.

I changed and was changed by an expert in analysis

which is she? the woman with a life full of drama and chaos who cant get her life together, or an expert who made you do and say things that shawnlam would never do? and whats to stop it from happening again? this goes to how and why you attached in the first place and why you struggle now.

Im not a brute or angry either ,but when you get poked in the eye enough you need to establish a “enough now attiude”

is an "enough now attitude" repeated make up and break up cycles and tactics to get your way? this goes to how and why you attached in the first place and why you struggle now.

[Skip]

Honestly I’ve come to not blame myself for what happened even though people on here tend to blame me. I'm not the one... .

You desperately wanted to reconnect your relationship with M___ and a lot of members took time (800 posts) to encourage you to use compassion and empathy (understanding) rather than anger, drinking, and devaluing to get there.

Another thing members tried to do is to help you see yourself a little bit better. There is a significant gap between how you perceive yourself and your actions and members have tried to help you close that gap. It is really hard to see ourselves... .especially the negative parts. Most of us want to avoid that unpleasantry, but at the same time understand the necessity so that we can improve. This is a safe place for it - we don't need to be posers here because we are anonymous.

It might seem unappreciative to box all that support under the label of "blame" and then explain how most of the advice was wrong... .but, it's OK... .in the end, we want what is best for you and that was not it.

Please accept my sincere apology.

[Shawnlam]

  once removed

I did do it yes at the beginning but I’ve come to terms of letting go .I also did get attached to her but I wasn’t aware it was on false pretenses,I genuinely thought what she said she meant (before I had any clue what BPD was ).When she flipped a 180 of course I became angry geez who wouldn’t? Even my therapist said it’s perfectly or almyou were genuine she was not ,anger happens.But does that make me a clingy angry brute in life? Christ no , it makes me a bitter person for being taken for a fool yes! Could I or should I have backed off and handles it better YUP ! But to classify me as a clingy person with anger issues  ,way out of context as far as I’m concerned. As for my comment of her being a good analyst yup she’s fantastic and reading people and doing/saying what’s needed to capture them ... .but it doesn’t make her efficient in life in anyway.It just means she fulfill her need for attention at any cost but screws up the rest of her life at epic levels .Lets manipulate shawn or others with words of love,marriage ,babies and moving in,but let’s take theee weeks to get her sons hair cut or call her mom for her sons shoe sizes ! See where I’m going with this ? She can’t be seen as a normal mother of two because she isn’t, she’s a rolling train wreck with two kids and BPD doomed to misery her entire existence.30 years of her bad decisions doesn’t wash away under the label of PD. It’s sad to watch ,sad to live with,sad to have been part of it, but I’m not going to change my entire perspective of how life goes and what I’ve done in 41 years when the majority of my sh$$ is together.I learnt a ton about myself here from you guys being curtiois and eye opening but I won’t be vilianized either for being this over bearing brute and clingy .Thats like saying you are such a show off when you stretch and run around the track while people in wheel chairs are watching you.Its not my fault they are in wheel chairs anymore than it’s my fault Marie-xxxx is socially handicap and I didn’t handle things “just right”for her condition .I even asked two of my ex’s what they thought both told me I was way to tolerant and should have told her off and walked a long time ago but then again those two woman are high end career woman who function properly .So as bitter as that sounded I could t crap all over her and walk like past boyfriends of hers, I still feel bad for leaving in the first place but I did it for my own dignity never knowing she was ill.I definitely would not have treated her the way I did knowing she was ill that I can promise in my own life , but I had no clue so it happened... .what more can I say .Im sorry for the way I handled it but I’m not sorry for sticking up for myself and I’m not sorry for being me and having a backbone.Empathy is one thing,being blind and accepting abuse not going to happen.

[Shawnlam]

  Skip

It’s not the support that was an issue it was being labeled a brute and clingy which I’m not and I don’t by into the circumstances of how I got labeled into it.Ive repeated many times she instigated these wants to move in and have a child etc etc.I accepted and attempted to give her some of those only to have it flip on a switch even to a point of selling her half my house at cost no added value .Members on here we given ultimatums of Marry me or I’m gone they weren’t demonized for leaving yet I’m demonized for getting angry at being screwed around? Or clingy ? I’d understand if I was constantly trying to get her to live with me or marry me , but when you spend not even 3-4 days a month with a woman I’d hardly call that clingy. I won’t accept those labels because I’m not that person, I’ve been emotional yes and that’s being corrected now and I’m falling back to my old self .But me to blame for her chaotic ways and impulsive behavior ,sorry but not gonna happen.This May anger people here ,why they take it personal I don’t know it wasn’t meant to insult the members or board members.I did plenty of mistakes but I’m not those two things far from it ,my 41 years minus 7 months proves it.

[once removed]

so your answer to the question "why i attached in the first place" is:

I did do it yes at the beginning but I’ve come to terms of letting go .

I also did get attached to her but I wasn’t aware it was on false pretenses,

being taken for a fool yes! Could I or should I have backed off and handles it better YUP !

she’s fantastic and reading people and doing/saying what’s needed to capture them

Lets manipulate shawn or others with words of love,marriage ,babies and moving in,

She can’t be seen as a normal mother of two because she isn’t, she’s a rolling train wreck with two kids and BPD doomed to misery her entire existence.

I’m not going to change my entire perspective of how life goes and what I’ve done in 41 years when the majority of my sh$$ is together.

Its not my fault they are in wheel chairs anymore than it’s my fault Marie-xxxx is socially handicap and I didn’t handle things “just right”for her condition .
 
I still feel bad for leaving in the first place

what more can I say

okay.

[Struggler123]

Sometimes the answer is in front of us, but we don’t want to see it. We close our eyes and minds to everything except to that which we feel. I think its normal to grieve, its normal to be angry, but to hold on for a long period of time knowing someone or something is bad for you, thats where the problem comes in. I like to think about it this way, if you perform the same experiment over and over, you wont get different results. A wise person once on this forum told me, that you’re never suppose to settle in life. I didn’t understand what he mean’t initially, but now I do. Self worth > Any relationship.

Let me ask you something Shawn. Let’s say hypothetically you were to be with her. It’s a fairytale, but but theres always gotta be a twist. After say 2-6 months you find out, she talks to her ex’s, has arguments over irrelvant things, gives you threats and ultimatums, constantly threatens to break up/divorce you, wants you to dedicate yourself to her 24/7 because if you don’t you don’t love her, and if you have kids, the kids and your needs don’t matter.  Would you still want to be with her? Can you accept these things, because you have to take in the good and the bad. I’m sure shes a great person, but is she the right one for you... .Only you can answer that.

Coming back to your question. I think that its not so much understanding why you attached to her in the first place, but what’s holding you back from deattaching. Sometimes we work around the real questions. Once you figure out, that at one point it was a fairytale love story, but reality always sets in. Don’t settle because you have this false sense of belief that you wont come out of it. You will, but you have to love yourself enough to let go bit by bit. You will have good days, you will have even worse days, but you know what you won’t have? You won’t have to walk on eggshells watching your every move trying to figure out what will trigger the next episode. Begin to focus on yourself, and you will see that you deserve better, and anything associated with your ex will hold no meaning anymore.

[Lucky Jim]

you have to love yourself enough to let go bit by bit. You will have good days, you will have even worse days, but you know what you won’t have? You won’t have to walk on eggshells watching your every move trying to figure out what will trigger the next episode. Begin to focus on yourself, and you will see that you deserve better, and anything associated with your ex will hold no meaning anymore.

Like what you're saying, Struggler123.  Agree, it starts from a place of self-love and self-acceptance. 

The task is to love oneself enough to never again be the object of anyone's abuse.

LuckyJim

[MyBPD_friend]

Yes. This is what idealization is all about. This is why people with deep FOO wounds, or acute emotional wounds (breakup, divorce, death), or low self esteem, or large egos tend to become deeply committed.  I suspect her young age amplified the power of the adoration.

Everyone appreciates adoration. Some, however, see their own value through it. Some react very badly when it is taken away.

Do you think this is also true for you? That you didn't love her per se, but how she made you feel about yourself?

In the 6-7 months of your relationship, there was 6-8 weeks of intense romance and the rest of the time you both treated each other badly, selfishly.

You are totally correct with this statement.  It happened to me in the same way. My history in childhood with multiple terrble traumas,  abandomment fears, lack of love... .
then, after 40 years I met this woman - while married to a wonderful wife.

What happened and why did this happen to me?

It took me months to figure out and this place was very helpful.

Her attention made me feel so special, apprciated and loved.
What a false feeling... .
She is a BPD and Cluster B woman.

I  hate this illness.

After NC possible I feel much better and think less of her every week. I  would be a fool to see her again.